My Not So Great Night Out

So last Saturday I decided it would be a good idea to go out to the club (the gay club).  I was there with my friend a couple weeks ago.  This was a big step for me.  Not just because it was a gay club, but because it was the first time I have ever gone out to a bar/club alone ever, and it would really be the first time I'd gone out after truly accepting myself.

There was a pink theme that night, so I went shopping that day for some pink shirts.  I got a light colored button down one at old navy and a white V-Neck (I love V-Necks).  Then when I was at Wal-Mart I saw a great shirt and knew exactly what to do.

I thought it was pretty funny.  It at least made me smile. :)

So I started out to the club around 9pm.  About a mile or two away from it I had a panic attack.  I think I've mentioned my social anxiety before.  This wasn't a terrible panic attack, but it was a heart racing breathing quickly fight or flight kind of attack.  I considered for a second or two turning the car around.  I texted my friend just for a little reassurance as I got into the parking lot.

The place was relatively empty.  I walked in and there was hardly anyone there.  I had gotten there so early. Oh well.  I took a place at the bar and ordered a double rum and diet and sat.

The place started to fill up.  I kept at the bar.  I never moved except to get up to go to the bathroom.

I saw a lot of people who appeared to know each other.  They were smiling and talking and carrying on.  I was sitting and watching and drinking.  After the second double I was much calmer (BTW I would go on to have two more doubles and a beer before 1am).

I seemed to have some sort of force field around me.  people were sitting at every other chair at the octagonal bar, but the two chars to my right and one to my left were virtually empty (occasionally someone would sit a seat away from me while waiting for the bartender to go to them).

I didn't talk with anyone and no one talked with me.  It was probably because I was a new face.

A couple guys caught my eye.  One was sitting a couple chairs away from me.  He was really good looking.  I kept looking at him.  He too was just sitting there, not talking to anyone and drinking.  A couple times I thought about going over and trying to talk with him, but I'd never done that before with anyone.  I don't speak to people I don't know.  Maybe if I had some friends there to build up my confidence and console me when I'd inevitably get shot down it would have been different.  Who knows.

About 1:50 (the bars are required to close at 2am) a guy sat down near me.  He leaned in and made a motion like a phone to me.  Basically asking for my number.  He was by far not my type.  Too old.  Too ethnic.  And he didn't speak English as his first language (I know that sounds kind of bad, but since being able to carry on a conversation is important to me that's a real deal breaker... it should probably go on the list).

It was obvious even to me, a completely inexperienced newcomer to the dating world (that's the entire dating world, not just the gay one), that he was looking for a hookup and was trying to grab at the last person he could to get it.  I may have some low self esteem, but I have some high self respect.

So that was the first night.  On the way home I just started crying uncontrollably.  I couldn't stop.  I didn't know why.  What had gone so wrong that I was affected in this way?  Was it just the alcohol?  Was something trying to tell me that this is really not the romantic/sexual path for me?

I turned in for the night, but not before relieve a little bit of pent up stress (yes that is a euphemism).  The next morning I was still feeling down.  In my crying fit I had texted my friend to tell him about it.  He texted me back and we started talking through texts.

He kept telling me that just going was an accomplishment.  That I shouldn't have expected anything to happen the first night.  I told him that I was still determined to go back, but the crying had scared me.  I almost felt like this was not for me and that I just shouldn't try to date and go back to the way things had been.

At some point I got up and went into the bathroom.  I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  I looked hard at myself and said, "I don't look UNattractive."  The thing is I REALLY meant it.  I wasn't just saying it in an attempt to make myself feel better.  I was saying it because if I were sitting across from the bar from someone who looked like me I'd be thinking it.

That gave me a boost of confidence and I realized that is probably what the crying was about.  My confidence had been shaken by the night, but at the same time bolstered too.  Now I'm thinking that the more I go to the bar the more familiar I'll get with the place.  The more at ease I'll be.  I may even be able to make a friend on the staff (or at least have a passing recognition from them).

This Friday I'm going back with my sister in law and her friend.  It should be fun to be there not by myself.  We'll see how it all goes.