Update

So I think it's time I did an update.  After coming out to my mom I called a few of my cousins and told them.  Then I went out on my first date.  It was terrible.  I wasn't into the guy the moment I laid eyes on him.  I could just tell.  We had a good conversation.  I told him how I was newly out and how I was still a virgin and how I just wanted to be friends.  Then he suggested that maybe he would be a good first time.  It was bad.

A couple weeks later I ripped the band-aid off and came out on Facebook.  It was a great.  I did it the night before my birthday and my entire birthday was spent getting comments and messages from people supporting me.

Then started a series of disappointments.  All my girlfriends cancelled on going to the gay bar with me to celebrate my birthday.  Then there was this guy.  He was 19.  We clicked and I had a huge crush on him.  He said age didn't matter.  He asked me out and we planned a date.  He backed out.  We planned again.  He backed out.  It got to be kinda annoying.

Then I went out with a guy.  He asked me to do something.  I said yes then he withdrew the request.  Then I tried to set up a few hook ups.  Each time a cancellation.  Then I tried to set up a date with a guy.  Cancelled.  At the same time the 19 year old cancelled two more dates and kept two, said he now had a problem with the age difference and we decided it was a friendship (although he's gone back to cancelling our hanging out).

I have a couple more guys lined up, but I'm obviously not optimistic at this point.

I did have sex.  I went home with this great guy.  He was really nice to me.  It was a great night.  I don't think anyone can say their first time was perfect, but this was.  We hooked up once after that and may hook up again, but sex is all it is.  He's a bit of a whore to tell the truth.

So yeah that's it in a nutshell.  I'm both happy and upset.  I really want this dating or even the sex thing to work out, but it just isn't.  Let's face it I'm not THAT attractive.  I think I'm cute, but in reality I'm not hot.

We'll see.  I think a few of this guys may be worth dating, and maybe one will be something more.

Out

So today I was off to the gym.  My brother called to say they were headed over to mom's.  I decide it's the right time to talk with mom.  So I take a detour to her place.

When I get there I play around a little with my nieces.  Then I say, "Mom I need to talk to you. You know how I've been secretive about where I've been going lately."

"Lacie"

That's my friend that I came out to on Friday.  We were shopping and getting pedicures on Saturday when mom called me and guessed that I was with her.  I told Lacie that mom would think we were dating. "No.  I'm planning to start dating, and I've been going to one of the gay bars in town."

A long pause. "So you think you're gay now?"

I smile. "I've known it for a while."

"Did Kurt tell you this."

Kurt is my best friend from high school who came out to me freshman year of college. "No. I did talk with him about it though."

"But when Kurt told you you were upset about it."

"Yes for obvious reasons now.  I've been really happy the last month or so since I've accepted this."

"Well it's you're life.  You can live it how you want.  Whatever makes you happy."

And that was it.  My step-dad was even easier.  What the hell is the world coming to when coming out means nothing to anyone. :)

So now that I'm living out I'm going to reveal a little bit about me.  My first name is Darren.  I live in Wichita, KS.  Below is a picture of me as of Saturday.

By day's end Mom had called two of her sisters.  One called and the other texted their support.  They're like, "You're still Darren."  Someone please tell me what had me so worried?

Digits

I went out to the club last night and I'm so absurdly jazzed.

I was drinking and sitting at the bar.  At one point I got up to go to the restroom and ran into a guy who was asking if I remembered him.  He had waited on my mom, step father and I like 3 weeks ago. He could tell me my shirt, my phone (which we discussed that day), and remembered how many were in may party.

I'm going to specifically ask you this, Sam, have you ever remembered all that from someone you ran into three weeks prior?  Could I really have made that big of an impression?

I kinda tried some under the RADAR flirting with him that day.  He's not really my type, but I was positive he was in the family and I was being a little playful just to be playful.  I was trying to make sure my mom and step dad didn't pick up on it though.

That has solidified the fact that I need to tell my mom I'm gay.  I was already planning to do it this week, but that was another push.  I don't want to have to tiptop around things at one of the restaurants we got to together.

That wasn't the biggest news of the night though.  As I was getting ready to leave one of the staff members started to talk with me.

He asked if I was on Adam4Adam. "No"
He said it was because he thought I looked like a guy on there with the longer hair and all.
He asked if I was new.  "I'm recently out."
He asked how old.  "33."
He asked if I had been married.  "No"
He asked if I was going to be there tomorrow. "I think so."
We chatted a little bit more.  He did more of it telling me about how he first knew he was gay.  It was a kind of funny story.

The lights came up for last call.  He went over and came back with a napkin and handed it to me.  Told me to text him or Facebook friend him.  I was overjoyed.  It had is name and number on it.  It still smells of marker and is sitting right next to me as I type this.

I think he's kinda cute.  In my drunken state last night I described him as really cute.

So now I'm going to go shopping with my work friend (who I thankfully told yesterday I was gay). I need a new outfit similar, but different from what I wore last night, because I like that look.  I want it to go with my sexy red shoes though. :)

I did leave the club shaking and crying a little last night, but it was because something truly amazing happened that I just never in a million years expected to happen that night.

I went online and got a couple things I found and wanted and a reward to myself.  I'm going to have to stop doing that kind of rewarding though because I'm beginning to become a bit of a shopaholic. :)

Damn.  I'm actually doing this.  I'm actually stepping out into the dating world.  I may be reading too much into the name and number thing.  This guy has a lot of Facebook friends (I know I stalked him), but if he's even just a new friend that works there and can help me get to know some people that's great.

Like I said yesterday.  I'm a kind, good and lovable person.  I know he'll see that and it can only mean good things for me.

New Day, New Outlook

Ok.  Wednesday this week I hit a very low point.  I got very depressed.  I was texting my friend constantly throughout the day and bless his heart he was responding and trying to be supportive.  I was nearly crying at my desk and unable to get much work done, and when I got home I called my brother and cried on the phone to him.

It was a very bad day for me.

It all stemmed from such a good thing too.  I lost weight.  A lot of weight.  Obviously I had body image issues when I weighed 400 lbs.  Now that I'm in the 240 range I feel better about myself, but I have all new body issues because of things like excess skin and fat that just doesn't want to seem to go away.

I think Saturday/Sunday's meltdown after going to the club alone was playing it's part too.

But by Wednesday night I was feeling a little better.  Talking with my friend, my brother, and a friend of my brother's who is gay and came out in his 30's as well really helped.  Then I did something that I don't normally do.  I jumped on Grindr.  I started chatting up a guy.  He had a pretty good looking pic.  He was a dud conversation wise though (I blame him not me).

I then decided that I needed some pics to send to guys on Grindr, so I took a few pictures that I hope no one in my family sees if you understand my meaning (ok they were cock and upper chest/head pics).

By the next day I was feeling so much better about myself.  I wore my tight jeans, my totally awesome red shoes, and my favorite brown tie dye Levi's shirt.  I was looking and feeling good and it showed.

That night I did something I'd been too afraid to do before.  I went to Wal-Mart and bought lube and condoms. :)  I'd always been afraid to do that.  My thinking was that I can't see myself having sex, so why should anyone else.  I was imaging people saying things like, "as if he could get laid." and "who the hell would want to sleep with that." and "you're dreaming buddy."

But I did it.

Then I got home and to celebrate my accomplishment of going to the club alone and buying the things I wouldn't normally buy I got online and bought the shoes I've been wanting.  Then I bought some sexy underwear too.  Then I jumped on ManRoulette and stumbled on a guy who was just fine looking at me with the lights on (also a first) and talked me to a very happy place. :)

I feel so much better about myself today then I have in a long time.  I realized something too:

If I'm with a guy and the shirt's coming off then it's either because we've been going out for a while and care about each other enough to be taking that step, or it's just sex and we should really be past caring what the other person looks like fully naked.

If for some crazy reason he has a problem then FUCK HIM.  He's a looser and a terrible person anyway.

As long as I can project the confidence I really do have in the way I dress, my hair, and my totally cute face then I'll attract the guys.  I may even be better able to find the courage to go after them.  Besides once we get talking I know my kindness, goodness, and lovable qualities will shine through.

I also realized something else.  I needed that stumble.  I needed that fall.  I can't pick myself back up, and rise up stronger if I'm not in a place to be picked up from.

It's like an eagle flying.  Sometimes you have to dive really low to soar really far.  The dive is scary and you think it's the end, but at the last moment you pull out spread your wings and soar father and faster then you ever could before.

On a side note I came out to my friend at work.  The girl that got me really questioning things again.  She had suspected.  I told her how that night made me feel and she laughed because she said in 6th grade she dated a guy and right after they broke up he came out.  Then later she dated another guy and after they broke up he came out.  She just attracts those guys I guess.  She's super excited to have someone to go shopping with. :)

My Not So Great Night Out

So last Saturday I decided it would be a good idea to go out to the club (the gay club).  I was there with my friend a couple weeks ago.  This was a big step for me.  Not just because it was a gay club, but because it was the first time I have ever gone out to a bar/club alone ever, and it would really be the first time I'd gone out after truly accepting myself.

There was a pink theme that night, so I went shopping that day for some pink shirts.  I got a light colored button down one at old navy and a white V-Neck (I love V-Necks).  Then when I was at Wal-Mart I saw a great shirt and knew exactly what to do.

I thought it was pretty funny.  It at least made me smile. :)

So I started out to the club around 9pm.  About a mile or two away from it I had a panic attack.  I think I've mentioned my social anxiety before.  This wasn't a terrible panic attack, but it was a heart racing breathing quickly fight or flight kind of attack.  I considered for a second or two turning the car around.  I texted my friend just for a little reassurance as I got into the parking lot.

The place was relatively empty.  I walked in and there was hardly anyone there.  I had gotten there so early. Oh well.  I took a place at the bar and ordered a double rum and diet and sat.

The place started to fill up.  I kept at the bar.  I never moved except to get up to go to the bathroom.

I saw a lot of people who appeared to know each other.  They were smiling and talking and carrying on.  I was sitting and watching and drinking.  After the second double I was much calmer (BTW I would go on to have two more doubles and a beer before 1am).

I seemed to have some sort of force field around me.  people were sitting at every other chair at the octagonal bar, but the two chars to my right and one to my left were virtually empty (occasionally someone would sit a seat away from me while waiting for the bartender to go to them).

I didn't talk with anyone and no one talked with me.  It was probably because I was a new face.

A couple guys caught my eye.  One was sitting a couple chairs away from me.  He was really good looking.  I kept looking at him.  He too was just sitting there, not talking to anyone and drinking.  A couple times I thought about going over and trying to talk with him, but I'd never done that before with anyone.  I don't speak to people I don't know.  Maybe if I had some friends there to build up my confidence and console me when I'd inevitably get shot down it would have been different.  Who knows.

About 1:50 (the bars are required to close at 2am) a guy sat down near me.  He leaned in and made a motion like a phone to me.  Basically asking for my number.  He was by far not my type.  Too old.  Too ethnic.  And he didn't speak English as his first language (I know that sounds kind of bad, but since being able to carry on a conversation is important to me that's a real deal breaker... it should probably go on the list).

It was obvious even to me, a completely inexperienced newcomer to the dating world (that's the entire dating world, not just the gay one), that he was looking for a hookup and was trying to grab at the last person he could to get it.  I may have some low self esteem, but I have some high self respect.

So that was the first night.  On the way home I just started crying uncontrollably.  I couldn't stop.  I didn't know why.  What had gone so wrong that I was affected in this way?  Was it just the alcohol?  Was something trying to tell me that this is really not the romantic/sexual path for me?

I turned in for the night, but not before relieve a little bit of pent up stress (yes that is a euphemism).  The next morning I was still feeling down.  In my crying fit I had texted my friend to tell him about it.  He texted me back and we started talking through texts.

He kept telling me that just going was an accomplishment.  That I shouldn't have expected anything to happen the first night.  I told him that I was still determined to go back, but the crying had scared me.  I almost felt like this was not for me and that I just shouldn't try to date and go back to the way things had been.

At some point I got up and went into the bathroom.  I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  I looked hard at myself and said, "I don't look UNattractive."  The thing is I REALLY meant it.  I wasn't just saying it in an attempt to make myself feel better.  I was saying it because if I were sitting across from the bar from someone who looked like me I'd be thinking it.

That gave me a boost of confidence and I realized that is probably what the crying was about.  My confidence had been shaken by the night, but at the same time bolstered too.  Now I'm thinking that the more I go to the bar the more familiar I'll get with the place.  The more at ease I'll be.  I may even be able to make a friend on the staff (or at least have a passing recognition from them).

This Friday I'm going back with my sister in law and her friend.  It should be fun to be there not by myself.  We'll see how it all goes.