Friday Night

So I did end up going somewhere after all.  I went to do some shopping I needed to get done.  Then, despite my goal this month to conserve money and pay down debt I decided to go out to dinner and maybe try to  catch a movie (wanted to have a little fun).

Dinner alone in a crowded restaurant goes about the same every time.  You sit there drinking your beer not talking to anyone.  Just you, your drink, your food, and your smart phone.  All around you are people talking and enjoying each other's company.  The waiter always seems to be impatient for you to order (after all no one is with you to distract from your menu reading).  Once they get your order they don't seem to realize they need to move faster for you since you don't have a conversation to interrupt you and therefore are going to fly through the meal.  Then you get the check and tip them 20% (which is usually only $2-3), feel a little guilty that it's so little, yet a little satisfied because the service wasn't as quick as you needed it to be.  Then you get up and leave.

I called my brother to go to the movie.  He had friends over and invited me over.  It was a couple who I knew through him.  So I played 5th wheel.  It's not at all upsetting to be hanging out with friends who are only your friends because they were your brother's friends that you co-opted.  It's also gives you a warm feeling when the wives can have their conversation, and the husband's their's, and you get to be the third person in one of those (yeah sometimes I like to use sarcasm).  At least I got to spend some time with my nieces though.

I got home, watched some TV and then started thinking about my wants again.  Why do I feel like I don't have an attraction to anyone?  Is it because somewhere deep down I think it's socially unacceptable (either because I'm truly gay and my mind  is holding me back because I can't tell who a viable partner is, or because I still feel that being with me would be some sort of burden or black mark on that person)?  Do I just not feel attracted to anyone?

I got to thinking about high school (I was watching a show based in high school, a setting I really enjoy in movies and TV, so that may have been what prompted this).  I had girls that I had "crushes" on.  Girls who I thought were attractive in some way.  Girls who I would have loved to have been able to ask out if I wasn't me and a total outcast.

But the stars of my fantasies were always the boys.  They are the ones I thought about while alone at night taking care of the business.  I pictured doing things with them.  The girls never factored in.

I know it's going to take time to sort through all this, but I do hope I can sort through it eventually.  I really don't want to be a 5th wheel forever.

Trapped

I'm sitting at home on a Friday night.  It's a usual thing for me.  I just don't feel like going anywhere or seeing anyone.  That's not exactly true I guess.  The problem is I don't know how to do that.  I don't know where to go.  I'm too nervous to just show up someplace by myself, at least a place where I can meet people, and I even if I did know where to go I'd probably just sit in a corner and watch instead of trying to interact with anyone.

It's even the same way online.  I mentioned a couple posts back about sending the message to one guy and getting a couple lines of chat out of him.  I can't decide if I should take that as a polite brush-off and move on or e-mail him again just to say hi one more time.

On another dating site I actually had someone e-mail me (now that is a first), and I have an outstanding non e-mail connection (which honestly is surprising to me since it means they did that on sheer photos and headline).  I haven't responded to either of them.  I don't know if I really find them attractive first off.  I also am still worried if being with another guy is truly the right thing for me.

But honestly I'm also just scared of the whole process.  I've never done it before.  I don't have any experience to draw from.  I don't have anyone who I can trust to lead me through it.  Heck I once had to go to my much younger brother for advice about keeping my work friend a work friend.  How pathetic is that?  Shouldn't it be the other way around.

I'm tired of feeling this way, but at the same time I'm so scared of the unknown.  I can't decide which feeling is worse to endure.  I just feel... trapped.

Downer Day

Today has just been kind of a downer day.  I don't know why.  I just can't feel happy, but I'm not really sad either.  I'm just kind of "meh."  I should be a little happy because I did end up loosing at weigh in, but no.

I'm beginning to feel a little anxious about my appointment with the therapist next week.  I've never done anything like this before, and I question what it's going to be like.  What should I say?  Will I even be able to say anything?  Should I tell anyone that I'm seeing a therapist?  I especially wonder because I know I haven't been me at work and I'm getting a little paranoid that I'll end up pissing someone off and then find myself without a job.

I just have this feeling that my lead is laying the ground work to get me out the door even though I'm sure that's not the case part of me just feels that way.

It's the same way with my friends.  I just don't feel like I trust them.  Every side conversation they have with each other concerns me.  I hate feeling this way.  A big part of my brain knows I'm overreacting, but there's this little voice in my head that keeps telling me, "but what if you're not."

I just wish I could be happy and confident in myself again like I was a year ago.

Lacking Skillz

Probably one of the hardest things I'm going to have to overcome as I venture out into the dating world is my complete lack of experience.  I have no game of any kind.  Not many people in their 30's can say that.  I don't know how to talk to someone or how to show them that I'm interested.

I get extremely nervous in situations where I'm expected to be social, especially when it's with people I don't know.  I can handle most every day situations, and after 5 years at my job I no longer have a problem speaking up when I'm in a meeting with people I've known for a while, but add a couple new people into the mix and I clam up.

So it's understandable that I have no idea how to talk or act around someone who I'd like to date.  So many people take that development from their teens/early twenties for granted.  It's probably the biggest fear I have right now.

"Will they be able to tell I'm completely new to this?"

"Should I tell them my history up front?"

"How do I know that they're having a good time or are into me or are wanting to leave?"

"Do they like me?"

"How was I supposed to take that last thing they said?"

"What am I supposed to do?"

It just scares the crap out of me.  I'm so far behind the curve I feel like I'll never catch up, and I fear that I'll automatically be written off when I don't know what's going on and how I'm supposed to respond.

For instance.  I went out for a night with a good friend of mine.  Like I said in an earlier post I'm still questioning myself and still trying to see myself as someone that somebody would want.  I planned to go out with her as a friend and nothing more.  She'd just broken up with her husband.  My brother and his wife had just moved out of my place.  We were both alone and down and it seemed like a good way for both of us to cheer up a little.

She suggested the restaurant and paid for the meal, then we went to a bar to watch karaoke and I got the drinks.  While we were talking she was kinda looking at me.  At one point I smiled and asked her, "What."  Her response was that I was a smart guy and I should know.

My thought was, "I may be book smart, but I'm at a total loss here."  Obviously her comment clued me into what the look probably meant.

I spent the rest of the night sitting next to her and talking and singing along with the song.  I didn't try anything because frankly I didn't want to see her like that (she's just too good of a friend), and as I said I'm questioning if I even would see her like that.

The end of the night was rather awkward for me.  We kinda went outside, waved, and walked our separate ways.  She had a strange look on her face and I'm not sure if she wanted something more or what.

I was totally clueless and unable to tell anything.  I went over and over the night in my head that evening and the next day.  I do that sometimes when I feel like I've messed up around people.  I try to find my mistakes. I talk down how I acted.  It's like a small bout of depression and obsession that lasts for a few hours to a few days.  It's terrible.  I hate it.  For some reason I always do it tough.  Sometimes I even have bouts after meeting up with friends who I've known for years.

I just don't understand it, but I do know that it is one of the reasons I don't like to do new things that involve social interaction.

Case in point last night.  I sent that e-mail to the guy and waited on pins and needles to see if he'd view my profile and respond.  To my surprise he started a chat.  After just two exchanges each he left the chat.  I've been wondering all day what could have gone wrong with it?  Was he not really looking for a guy?  Was it something I had said or the way I said something in the exchange?  Should I send him another e-mail?  Should I try to chat with him again?  I don't know what's acceptable and what's not.

I'm really hoping when I see my therapist for the first time next week I'll have the courage to mention some of this stuff to her.  Of course I'm already a little anxious about meeting and talking to her and I'm wondering if she's going to see the quiet me, the over-talkative me, or the normal every day me.

Fleeting Moment

One more check in.  Remember how I said I had joined a couple dating sites.  Well tonight I saw this cute guy on who I'd noticed before, so I sent him a quick message saying he was cute.  I've sent a couple guys messages before.  They view my profile and then don't send anything back.  This one viewed my profile.  Then I figured that would be it.

A bit latter I got a chat request.  We had and exchange of a couple sentences and then he left the chat. :(

It was a step though, so thought I should post it.

Broken Promises to Myself

So yesterday's first entry was a little bit all over the place.  I can ramble and often the thoughts just get to flowing freely and I don't really have a way to organize them ahead of time.  It doesn't make for the easiest to read posts sometimes.  Today I'm trying to stay on topic, but it's a lot to talk about.

I'm talking about the major promises to myself I've broken over the years.  I'm also mixing in a little bit of background on me to help paint a better picture.  I'm not going to promise I won't be long winded, but I'm hoping that it will at least be readable and understandable.

I grew up in a small town in the mid-west.  There were about 40 in my graduating class and about 200 in the entire high school.  I was definitely on the low end of the popularity pyramid.

I was the overweight, geeky kid who was nice and kind, but no one really liked.  You know there's got to be someone like that.  In larger schools there's more of you, so you can find each other and bind together.  That doesn't really happen in smaller schools though.

I can't really blame that for my problems.  The truth is I was extremely depressed in high school.  I truly hated myself.  I even considered (though not really seriously) suicide.  It was not a fun time to be me.  I was always a happy kid before puberty.  Always had a smile on my face, but as I got older the only reason I wore a smile was because I was faking it.

I could sit here and blame it on being bullied (which I most definitely was), but that would just be the easy way out.  I honestly just wasn't happy.  I didn't see any worth to me.  I'd often sit and think about how much better everyone would be without me.  I still do that sometimes.  The difference is now I know that there are people who would be affected by it and I just can't do that to them.

Looking back now I realize that I really didn't love myself, I didn't see worth in myself, and if I didn't love or see worth in myself how could anyone else?  That's why I never even tried to find a girl in high school (a guy would have been out of the question for such a small town).  The sad thing is I now think there was probably one or two I could have had some sort of relationship with.  Maybe even lost my virginity to, but I blew that chance.

There I go rambling off topic.  I was an unhappy teen.  I was also the type of person who ate his feelings, and when you feel really bad that's a heck of a lot of food.  I graduated high school somewhere between 280 and 300 lbs.  I made my first real promise to myself. "I'll get my weight under control and I will never weigh more than 300lbs."

I spent that summer convincing myself that when I got to college things would be different.  I promised myself I was going to get some friends and date and have a completely new life.  I went to the floor mixer, went to classes, found at least one new friend, lost a little weight (though admittedly that was because I was kind of starving myself). That all lasted for a good month or two, but inevitably I feel back into depression.

I thought even more about ending it all.  I didn't, but I did get to the point where I barely left my room.  I just couldn't face people.  By the second semester I failed out (this is coming from someone who got a 24 and then a 27 on his ACT without prepping at all.  Someone who aced every test in high school, but got B's and C's in the class because he didn't do the homework).  I'd broken my promise to have a new life and felt like I ruined the crappy one I had.

The depression lasted past college and followed me back home.  It stayed with me for the longest time.  I managed it with food.  By the time I was 21 I'd broken my promise to never weigh more than 300lbs., so now I decided I'd never weigh more than 400lbs.  I also promised myself that by the time I was 25 I'd go out on at least one date.

Twenty-three came and went and I was beginning to tell myself to give up.  I'd never be loved, so why bother worrying about it.  When I turned 26, still dateless, still a virgin, still never been kissed, I decided that I had to accept my life as one where I was always alone.  I'd broken another promise.  I cried a lot at first, and then not at all.

Somehow through all that mess I found something I could enjoy doing for work, when back to college as an older student, and got a degree.  I had a friend or two in college, but never was it a relationship I initiated.  Actually it was weird that I always ended up being friends with people who has a pretty liberal view of the laws regarding marijuana (too this day I'm still confused that I never was offered to try it, though I wouldn't because I was a a good boy and never wanted to be out of control for fear of what I would do).

By the time I was 28 I graduated and went to work full time.  It was a sedentary job, stuck in a cubical, not much interaction with other people... just the way I liked it.  Things were kind of looking up.

That summer I developed an infection in my leg.  I was freaked out because a year or two prior my dad lost his leg to such an infection.  I went to the doctor.  I had to step on a scale for the first time in a while.  It went up to 350.  I pegged it.  It was alright because the last time I weighed myself I was about 380, and I didn't gain weight since then right?  Some chronic medication for diabetes and such, some antibiotics and the infection cleared.  It was back next summer though.  This time it took some IV antibiotic to clear it.

Enough was enough.  That fall they had a health clinic at work and I signed up.  It took two scales and I weighed in at 412lbs.  I realized I'd gained a knack for breaking promises to myself.  Something had to change.  I tried to, but ultimately by the next health clinic I still weighed the same.  I had to make a change.  I tried to eat better.  My work was starting Weight Watchers in January and I promised myself to join it.  I kept that promise.

My first weigh in was just over 390.  I had left 400lbs. behind.  In a month I lost another 20.  Then tragedy struck and my father passed.  A heart attack caused by diabetes.  I stopped watching what I ate and just let myself indulge.  I promised myself by the next week I'd be back on plan.  I kept that promise.

I promised myself that I'd loose 50lbs. total by then end of the first 12 weeks.  I kept that promise.  I promised myself I'd be under 300lbs. by my birthday that summer.  I kept that promise.  I promised myself I'd be under my high school weight by Christmas.  I kept that promise.  I promised myself that I'd keep it all off and never look back.

That's were I'm at today.  I got as low as the 230's and have since gained back between 20lbs. and 30lbs., but have been loosing overall for the past month.  That's what prompted me to go to therapy.  I don't want to backslide.  I don't want to break that promise.

Accomplishing something like loosing 100+ lbs. gives you a confidence you never knew you had.  It's been two years now and that confidence is waning.  I'm loosing focus.  I'm staring to feel those feelings of worthlessness again.  I'm starting to realize I'm going to be alone forever and I'm falling back into depression.  I promise I won't let that happen.

Who Am I?

So for my first post I think I'll talk about how I got myself into this mess.  I'm now about to turn 34.  I'm a guy. I'm a virgin.  Seriously.  I'm such a virgin that I've never been kissed or even gone out on a date.  I thought of the movie "The 40 Year Old Virgin" as me in a few years.  I'm also just now questioning who I am and what I want.  So sufficed to say I'm an extremely late bloomer.  Which is the reason at times I feel like a teenager stuck in a 30 year old body.  I feel like some of the questions I'm asking myself should have been answered 15 years ago.

First off one of the few questions I do know the answer to is gender identity.  I know and feel that I am male, so at least there is one thing I can be sure of.

My main question that I need the answer to is my sexuality.  I just can't figure it out.  A few days ago I was convinced that I am gay.  I decided to start to explore that aspect.  I put up a personal add on a few dating sites searching for men, but as I started to weed through the "matches" I began to question if I was truly attracted to any of them.  I would look at one and say, "He's really cute," and the next and say, "He's a definite no," and then come across one I thought just looked normal and say, "He's ok, but not great."  I don't think I ever felt an "attraction" to any of them though.

I've been able to do the same things to women in the past.  I can recognize a beautiful women.  I know one when I see one, but I'm not sure if I've ever felt an "attraction" to them either.

I don't think I'm asexual.  I've always heard the definition of an asexual as someone who isn't really able to have sexual attraction and therefore doesn't really have a sex drive.  I have a sex drive.  I express it in solitude quite often and I have a need to have sex of some sort.  I fixate on sex with a man, but now I'm really beginning to wonder if that is truly how I feel.  I know some straight people fantasize about gay sex even though they are straight.  I can picture sex with a woman, but it's not my common thought.  When I search for porn it's almost exclusively gay porn, but I'll admit I'm not sure I really enjoy it (though I do find it simulating enough).

Maybe it's the prospect of meeting someone that's freaking me out.  I mean I could find someone online tomorrow who's interested in me and I in him and we could go on a date.  So then don't I owe it to him to be 100% sure?  He'll probably be about my age and has most likely known about himself for some time.  Isn't it wrong if I lead him on only to realize, "Sorry, I like girls."

Maybe it's my Catholic upbringing that's getting in the way.  I mean gay sex is a sin.  In my head I accept that fact.  I also realize though that I want love in my life.  If I am gay and it isn't fair to a woman to be in a relationship with a man who can't love her, and it isn't fair to me to be in a relationship that isn't emotionally fulfilling.  I know in my heart I'd pursue a relationship that I can be complete in, and I would accept the eternal consequences of that (of course I may not say that in the future).  I'd also hope that I could ask God to forgive me though and realize that all I wanted to do was to find that one person he created for me to love.  I honestly don't think I have a moral issue with being gay.  I have no issue with other people being gay.

So what is it then?  What am I? Who am I?  I'm planning to start therapy soon and I'm hoping that maybe that will help shed some light for me.