It's Been a Long Week

So it's been a long week so far.  Monday I wasn't feeling too great (mainly tired and a little down), so I stayed home.  I got a call from my boss saying there was an issue that was delaying the release of our software and that I needed to log in an fix it.  I did.  And then I went into catastrophe mode.

It's funny because I had just read a couple passages a day or two ago in Quiet talking about what happens when introverts go into catastrophe mode, and I had thought to myself that I don't really do that.  When there is an issue I'm usually the level headed one who keeps everything calm.  I'm normally good in a crisis.  That is unless I caused it.

I cried for a good hour.  I called my brother and talked with him (well more like cried in his ear). I felt like I'd done so much wrong.  No only because of the mistake I made at work but because of the general shape my life has been in.  Everything just unraveled.  I was upset for the rest of the day.

The next morning I had urges to go talk with my manager.  I thought I was done for (which is really an overreaction).  I wanted to lay everything out.  But I didn't and I'm glad I didn't.  I was acutely aware of my demeanor though.  I hung my head.  I felt like I was constantly blushing.  I felt shame.  I had a typical introvert's reaction to stress.

Later in the day my boss came over for a one on one and as part of it talked with me about the issue.  I said what mistakes I made.  He acted like it wasn't that big of a deal.  That made me feel a little better.  But I still think its affected me because I still feel like crying.  Yesterday I just couldn't concentrate no matter how hard I tried.

I also am worried that my brother may have gotten onto my computer when I wasn't here and he was over taking care of our dogs.  I am usually good about closing down stuff like my blog, my support websites, my dating profile, my research, and my writing.  But for some reason I didn't.  My computer wasn't password protected (it is now though).

I just don't know.  I can't tell if he's acting weird toward me of I just think he's acting weird.  It's just adding to my stress.  I also called him tonight and found out that they were looking for a babysitter for my nieces tomorrow.  I said if they were in a pinch that I could do it and he said, "That's alright we'll figure something out."

How am I supposed to take that?  Does that mean they just don't want me around my own nieces?  Do they think I can't handle them?  Do they not trust me?  It's only adding to everything that's on my mind.

As If Writing Here Wasn't Enough

For some reason doing this blog and the reading I've been doing has inspired me to write some stuff down as a story.  I'm hoping that it will help me sort through some stuff.  It's loosely autobiographical.  To give an example I just got done writing a scene where the main character first feels confusion about his sexuality.  In reality it didn't happen for me exactly that way.

There are elements of other parts of my experience that helped to develop that scene (speaking of development I think I need to go back and flesh that scene out a little bit more, no pun intended), but I never had the exact experience I'm writing about.

There are other things I plan to do.  I want to get into the time when I considered suicide.  One of the things that stopped me from doing it was a cousin in another state that did do it.  However in the story I'm already planning on it being a close friend that attempts it, but does not succeed.

I don't ever plan to pass it off as 100% autobiographical only to say that it's inspired by my life.

I'm hoping to cover all of my struggles with my sexuality in it including my wondering if I'm asexual or not.  Who knows maybe one day I'll get it published.  Or maybe I'll post it as a blog serial.  Or I could always just keep it for myself.  I know though that simply doing this is going to help me face some thoughts and emotions I haven't faced for years, and I think that will be a good thing.

That Kid From Glee

So it's Father's Day.  My dad passed away a couple years ago.  This is my third Father's Day without him.  I have a tradition I started that first one where I go out to breakfast.  This year I invited my mother to go along with me.

We waited for our table and were seated much quicker then I expected to be.  Our waiter quickly came by to say "Hi" and that he would be right back to wait on us.  He was kinda cute and slightly effeminate and just seemed like maybe he could be into guys.  I tried not to look at him much because A) that's my nature, and B) my mom is sitting right there oblivious to any of the issues I've wrestled with all these years.

So the breakfast has been going well.  We chit chatted a little.  The waiter has been very nice and was really doing a good job the whole time despite the place being packed.  I've gotten up the nerve to make a little eye contact with him, but who am I fooling I'm not the type of person people are generally attracted to.  I know my place.  Once we are done eating and waiting on our check and to-go order my mom leans over to me ad says, "He reminds me of Glee."

I look back at her not quite sure if I'd heard what I thought I did, "What?"

"He reminds me of Glee.  You know the television show.  He reminds me of someone who would be on it."

I just kinda nodded and smiled and understanding.

I didn't know what to think about that comment.  She didn't say it with malice.  I'm pretty sure she knows that Glee is one of my favorite shows because, well that was me in high school.  I was in the choir.  I did solos (even went to state one year).  I was in the elite ensemble.  There was even a time I was seriously considering pursuing a career in vocal performance.

So this makes me question how much I'd be accepted if I did realize I was gay and came out to my family.  What will they think?  Will they be able to accept me?  I think so, but it's scary.  I'm so close with my mom and brother.  I don't think I could bear loosing them.

I'd already decided to keep any dating I do quiet.  I've done the same with my therapy.  Only my medical doctor, therapist, and my high school best friend know that I'm doing it.  I've thought about telling other people (especially my brother who has probably been my best friend as of late), but just haven't been comfortable with it yet.

No one knows how to find this blog.  I've told my therapist that I'm keeping it, but I haven't told her where it is.  I told her I may, but I'm not sure if that will happen.  My high school best friend knows about it too.  I plan to eventually tell him how to find it.  He once let me read a few of the anonymous forum posts he made concerning a very serious struggle he had been going through, so I feel like he should be given the same consideration.

I'm sure everyone important to me in my life will be accepting of me, but it's all still a little scary.