Update

So I think it's time I did an update.  After coming out to my mom I called a few of my cousins and told them.  Then I went out on my first date.  It was terrible.  I wasn't into the guy the moment I laid eyes on him.  I could just tell.  We had a good conversation.  I told him how I was newly out and how I was still a virgin and how I just wanted to be friends.  Then he suggested that maybe he would be a good first time.  It was bad.

A couple weeks later I ripped the band-aid off and came out on Facebook.  It was a great.  I did it the night before my birthday and my entire birthday was spent getting comments and messages from people supporting me.

Then started a series of disappointments.  All my girlfriends cancelled on going to the gay bar with me to celebrate my birthday.  Then there was this guy.  He was 19.  We clicked and I had a huge crush on him.  He said age didn't matter.  He asked me out and we planned a date.  He backed out.  We planned again.  He backed out.  It got to be kinda annoying.

Then I went out with a guy.  He asked me to do something.  I said yes then he withdrew the request.  Then I tried to set up a few hook ups.  Each time a cancellation.  Then I tried to set up a date with a guy.  Cancelled.  At the same time the 19 year old cancelled two more dates and kept two, said he now had a problem with the age difference and we decided it was a friendship (although he's gone back to cancelling our hanging out).

I have a couple more guys lined up, but I'm obviously not optimistic at this point.

I did have sex.  I went home with this great guy.  He was really nice to me.  It was a great night.  I don't think anyone can say their first time was perfect, but this was.  We hooked up once after that and may hook up again, but sex is all it is.  He's a bit of a whore to tell the truth.

So yeah that's it in a nutshell.  I'm both happy and upset.  I really want this dating or even the sex thing to work out, but it just isn't.  Let's face it I'm not THAT attractive.  I think I'm cute, but in reality I'm not hot.

We'll see.  I think a few of this guys may be worth dating, and maybe one will be something more.

Out

So today I was off to the gym.  My brother called to say they were headed over to mom's.  I decide it's the right time to talk with mom.  So I take a detour to her place.

When I get there I play around a little with my nieces.  Then I say, "Mom I need to talk to you. You know how I've been secretive about where I've been going lately."

"Lacie"

That's my friend that I came out to on Friday.  We were shopping and getting pedicures on Saturday when mom called me and guessed that I was with her.  I told Lacie that mom would think we were dating. "No.  I'm planning to start dating, and I've been going to one of the gay bars in town."

A long pause. "So you think you're gay now?"

I smile. "I've known it for a while."

"Did Kurt tell you this."

Kurt is my best friend from high school who came out to me freshman year of college. "No. I did talk with him about it though."

"But when Kurt told you you were upset about it."

"Yes for obvious reasons now.  I've been really happy the last month or so since I've accepted this."

"Well it's you're life.  You can live it how you want.  Whatever makes you happy."

And that was it.  My step-dad was even easier.  What the hell is the world coming to when coming out means nothing to anyone. :)

So now that I'm living out I'm going to reveal a little bit about me.  My first name is Darren.  I live in Wichita, KS.  Below is a picture of me as of Saturday.

By day's end Mom had called two of her sisters.  One called and the other texted their support.  They're like, "You're still Darren."  Someone please tell me what had me so worried?

Digits

I went out to the club last night and I'm so absurdly jazzed.

I was drinking and sitting at the bar.  At one point I got up to go to the restroom and ran into a guy who was asking if I remembered him.  He had waited on my mom, step father and I like 3 weeks ago. He could tell me my shirt, my phone (which we discussed that day), and remembered how many were in may party.

I'm going to specifically ask you this, Sam, have you ever remembered all that from someone you ran into three weeks prior?  Could I really have made that big of an impression?

I kinda tried some under the RADAR flirting with him that day.  He's not really my type, but I was positive he was in the family and I was being a little playful just to be playful.  I was trying to make sure my mom and step dad didn't pick up on it though.

That has solidified the fact that I need to tell my mom I'm gay.  I was already planning to do it this week, but that was another push.  I don't want to have to tiptop around things at one of the restaurants we got to together.

That wasn't the biggest news of the night though.  As I was getting ready to leave one of the staff members started to talk with me.

He asked if I was on Adam4Adam. "No"
He said it was because he thought I looked like a guy on there with the longer hair and all.
He asked if I was new.  "I'm recently out."
He asked how old.  "33."
He asked if I had been married.  "No"
He asked if I was going to be there tomorrow. "I think so."
We chatted a little bit more.  He did more of it telling me about how he first knew he was gay.  It was a kind of funny story.

The lights came up for last call.  He went over and came back with a napkin and handed it to me.  Told me to text him or Facebook friend him.  I was overjoyed.  It had is name and number on it.  It still smells of marker and is sitting right next to me as I type this.

I think he's kinda cute.  In my drunken state last night I described him as really cute.

So now I'm going to go shopping with my work friend (who I thankfully told yesterday I was gay). I need a new outfit similar, but different from what I wore last night, because I like that look.  I want it to go with my sexy red shoes though. :)

I did leave the club shaking and crying a little last night, but it was because something truly amazing happened that I just never in a million years expected to happen that night.

I went online and got a couple things I found and wanted and a reward to myself.  I'm going to have to stop doing that kind of rewarding though because I'm beginning to become a bit of a shopaholic. :)

Damn.  I'm actually doing this.  I'm actually stepping out into the dating world.  I may be reading too much into the name and number thing.  This guy has a lot of Facebook friends (I know I stalked him), but if he's even just a new friend that works there and can help me get to know some people that's great.

Like I said yesterday.  I'm a kind, good and lovable person.  I know he'll see that and it can only mean good things for me.

New Day, New Outlook

Ok.  Wednesday this week I hit a very low point.  I got very depressed.  I was texting my friend constantly throughout the day and bless his heart he was responding and trying to be supportive.  I was nearly crying at my desk and unable to get much work done, and when I got home I called my brother and cried on the phone to him.

It was a very bad day for me.

It all stemmed from such a good thing too.  I lost weight.  A lot of weight.  Obviously I had body image issues when I weighed 400 lbs.  Now that I'm in the 240 range I feel better about myself, but I have all new body issues because of things like excess skin and fat that just doesn't want to seem to go away.

I think Saturday/Sunday's meltdown after going to the club alone was playing it's part too.

But by Wednesday night I was feeling a little better.  Talking with my friend, my brother, and a friend of my brother's who is gay and came out in his 30's as well really helped.  Then I did something that I don't normally do.  I jumped on Grindr.  I started chatting up a guy.  He had a pretty good looking pic.  He was a dud conversation wise though (I blame him not me).

I then decided that I needed some pics to send to guys on Grindr, so I took a few pictures that I hope no one in my family sees if you understand my meaning (ok they were cock and upper chest/head pics).

By the next day I was feeling so much better about myself.  I wore my tight jeans, my totally awesome red shoes, and my favorite brown tie dye Levi's shirt.  I was looking and feeling good and it showed.

That night I did something I'd been too afraid to do before.  I went to Wal-Mart and bought lube and condoms. :)  I'd always been afraid to do that.  My thinking was that I can't see myself having sex, so why should anyone else.  I was imaging people saying things like, "as if he could get laid." and "who the hell would want to sleep with that." and "you're dreaming buddy."

But I did it.

Then I got home and to celebrate my accomplishment of going to the club alone and buying the things I wouldn't normally buy I got online and bought the shoes I've been wanting.  Then I bought some sexy underwear too.  Then I jumped on ManRoulette and stumbled on a guy who was just fine looking at me with the lights on (also a first) and talked me to a very happy place. :)

I feel so much better about myself today then I have in a long time.  I realized something too:

If I'm with a guy and the shirt's coming off then it's either because we've been going out for a while and care about each other enough to be taking that step, or it's just sex and we should really be past caring what the other person looks like fully naked.

If for some crazy reason he has a problem then FUCK HIM.  He's a looser and a terrible person anyway.

As long as I can project the confidence I really do have in the way I dress, my hair, and my totally cute face then I'll attract the guys.  I may even be better able to find the courage to go after them.  Besides once we get talking I know my kindness, goodness, and lovable qualities will shine through.

I also realized something else.  I needed that stumble.  I needed that fall.  I can't pick myself back up, and rise up stronger if I'm not in a place to be picked up from.

It's like an eagle flying.  Sometimes you have to dive really low to soar really far.  The dive is scary and you think it's the end, but at the last moment you pull out spread your wings and soar father and faster then you ever could before.

On a side note I came out to my friend at work.  The girl that got me really questioning things again.  She had suspected.  I told her how that night made me feel and she laughed because she said in 6th grade she dated a guy and right after they broke up he came out.  Then later she dated another guy and after they broke up he came out.  She just attracts those guys I guess.  She's super excited to have someone to go shopping with. :)

My Not So Great Night Out

So last Saturday I decided it would be a good idea to go out to the club (the gay club).  I was there with my friend a couple weeks ago.  This was a big step for me.  Not just because it was a gay club, but because it was the first time I have ever gone out to a bar/club alone ever, and it would really be the first time I'd gone out after truly accepting myself.

There was a pink theme that night, so I went shopping that day for some pink shirts.  I got a light colored button down one at old navy and a white V-Neck (I love V-Necks).  Then when I was at Wal-Mart I saw a great shirt and knew exactly what to do.

I thought it was pretty funny.  It at least made me smile. :)

So I started out to the club around 9pm.  About a mile or two away from it I had a panic attack.  I think I've mentioned my social anxiety before.  This wasn't a terrible panic attack, but it was a heart racing breathing quickly fight or flight kind of attack.  I considered for a second or two turning the car around.  I texted my friend just for a little reassurance as I got into the parking lot.

The place was relatively empty.  I walked in and there was hardly anyone there.  I had gotten there so early. Oh well.  I took a place at the bar and ordered a double rum and diet and sat.

The place started to fill up.  I kept at the bar.  I never moved except to get up to go to the bathroom.

I saw a lot of people who appeared to know each other.  They were smiling and talking and carrying on.  I was sitting and watching and drinking.  After the second double I was much calmer (BTW I would go on to have two more doubles and a beer before 1am).

I seemed to have some sort of force field around me.  people were sitting at every other chair at the octagonal bar, but the two chars to my right and one to my left were virtually empty (occasionally someone would sit a seat away from me while waiting for the bartender to go to them).

I didn't talk with anyone and no one talked with me.  It was probably because I was a new face.

A couple guys caught my eye.  One was sitting a couple chairs away from me.  He was really good looking.  I kept looking at him.  He too was just sitting there, not talking to anyone and drinking.  A couple times I thought about going over and trying to talk with him, but I'd never done that before with anyone.  I don't speak to people I don't know.  Maybe if I had some friends there to build up my confidence and console me when I'd inevitably get shot down it would have been different.  Who knows.

About 1:50 (the bars are required to close at 2am) a guy sat down near me.  He leaned in and made a motion like a phone to me.  Basically asking for my number.  He was by far not my type.  Too old.  Too ethnic.  And he didn't speak English as his first language (I know that sounds kind of bad, but since being able to carry on a conversation is important to me that's a real deal breaker... it should probably go on the list).

It was obvious even to me, a completely inexperienced newcomer to the dating world (that's the entire dating world, not just the gay one), that he was looking for a hookup and was trying to grab at the last person he could to get it.  I may have some low self esteem, but I have some high self respect.

So that was the first night.  On the way home I just started crying uncontrollably.  I couldn't stop.  I didn't know why.  What had gone so wrong that I was affected in this way?  Was it just the alcohol?  Was something trying to tell me that this is really not the romantic/sexual path for me?

I turned in for the night, but not before relieve a little bit of pent up stress (yes that is a euphemism).  The next morning I was still feeling down.  In my crying fit I had texted my friend to tell him about it.  He texted me back and we started talking through texts.

He kept telling me that just going was an accomplishment.  That I shouldn't have expected anything to happen the first night.  I told him that I was still determined to go back, but the crying had scared me.  I almost felt like this was not for me and that I just shouldn't try to date and go back to the way things had been.

At some point I got up and went into the bathroom.  I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  I looked hard at myself and said, "I don't look UNattractive."  The thing is I REALLY meant it.  I wasn't just saying it in an attempt to make myself feel better.  I was saying it because if I were sitting across from the bar from someone who looked like me I'd be thinking it.

That gave me a boost of confidence and I realized that is probably what the crying was about.  My confidence had been shaken by the night, but at the same time bolstered too.  Now I'm thinking that the more I go to the bar the more familiar I'll get with the place.  The more at ease I'll be.  I may even be able to make a friend on the staff (or at least have a passing recognition from them).

This Friday I'm going back with my sister in law and her friend.  It should be fun to be there not by myself.  We'll see how it all goes.

Tiptoeing Out a Little More

This is going to be a relatively short post in comparison to others.  I talked with my therapist.  She was happy with my progress thus far.  Yes she agreed it seemed fast, but at the same time I've had a drive to get this going.  It was amazing because I was also able to say that I was gay without it feeling weird to me.

So I came out to a couple friends who I knew it would not be a problem with.  I think I strengthened friendships there by doing it.  I don't think they realized how much I thought of them as friends until I told them.

It was a little weird though because I didn't feel as jazzed about it afterwards.  It wasn't because I wasn't happy it was more because it wasn't as big of a deal as it was when I told my brother.  Telling him was telling  one of the people in my every day life for the first time.  Telling these friends just had less impact.  I think it's because now I'm starting to live my life and the anxiety that comes from trying to hold back this part of me constantly is slipping away.

August is Off To a Great Start

So I'm kind of jazzed.  Tomorrow is the first therapist appointment after coming out to my brother and his wife.  I've made a lot of progress since my last appointment and I hope to discuss it with my therapist and see what she thinks.  Am I moving too fast?  Does she think I'm doing well, or am I delusional?

It's amazing how much has changed in such a short time.  I was texting my friend, and I realize that all my thinking about not wanting sex and not being a sexual person was a bunch of bull.  I was repressing.  I'm not saying that there is no such thing as an asexual.  I do believe that exists, but I don't believe that's me any longer.  I really, REALLY want sex.  It's just I want it with another guy. :)

I still don't plan on becoming one of those blogger horn dogs I talked about a while ago, but I do plan on trying to find a partner or two (maybe at the same time). :D

I broke down and installed Grindr on my phone.  One of the things that was holding me back was my brother being able to get into and look at my phone.  I didn't want him to find out about me by stumbling onto those apps.  I freaked out once when he was looking at my new phone because I have my Plenty of Fish and Match.com apps on there and they're set to men.  Now that he knows I don't really care if he sees them.

So I've even gotten a couple people to message me on Grindr.  That's amazing to me.  I'm not really that hot (at least I don't think).  I'm not going to use it to hook up.  If I'm going to hook up with someone it's going to be because we met out in the real world, got to know each other a little, and decided to throw some caution to the wind.  Not because of a booty call.

But the biggest thing for me today was getting two guys to message me on Plenty of Fish.  The first was the guy I talked about a while back who I exchanged just a couple messages with and never heard back from.  He messaged me again.  I was at work.  He had to go to work, but I said I wanted to message him again, so we'll see how that goes.

The second guy was someone who I messaged a couple days ago.  I'd be fine if this one just becomes a friend because he's into cars (me not so much, but I can appreciate), computers, and video games.  He is kinda cute in a dorky sort of way too which appeals to me.

So who knows by the end of August I may get to have my first kiss, or date, or maybe even get laid (though I highly doubt it).  All I know for certain is that I'm much happier with myself now.  Much calmer in my skin. I think just coming to this realization once and for all about myself has been what I've needed all along.

Telling My Brother

I decided I could not wait until next week to talk to my brother.  Yesterday I sent him a text asking if he could meet me for dinner.  He sent one back saying thanks, but they were just setting down to dinner.

So this early this morning I sent him another invite for tonight.  I said that even if we couldn't have diner if we could at least talk I'd like to.  He responded back saying that if certain things fell into place we could get dinner.  By five in the evening everything had fallen into place and I was on the hook.

The last two hours of work dragged on.  I was getting increasingly nervous with each passing second.  Then I'd take a deep breath, refocus, and calm down only to have it start all over again.  I've experienced worse than this in the past though.

I got even more nervous as I got into my car and drove to his house.  I even started to question everything that I said about myself last week.  I'm not really gay or even remotely interested in guys, am I?  Do I really feel attraction to them, or is it just the taboo feeling that I enjoy?  I just need to find the right girl.  Maybe I should give my friend at work a try just to be sure.  Why should I tell him anything when I haven't even tried anything yet.

I started to think that I needed to tell him first thing, or else I'd rationalize my way out of it.  Plus if he was really upset he could just get out of the car and go back into his apartment and I could go find a place to drink.  If he was fine with it we could discuss things at dinner.  It was a great plan.

As I arrived I realized that I forgot my wallet in my desk and had no way to pay for dinner.  I told my brother that up front and we agreed to drive back to work and eat near there.  This was perfect because it would give us some more minutes to talk.

Once he got in the car he asked how things were going.  I said fine.  Then he asked what I had wanted to talk about... silence.

I just couldn't talk.  I couldn't find the words.  I knew what I wanted to say.  I knew what I had rehearsed saying (I'd been doing it in my head all day), but when I finally had to find the words they were just not escaping my mouth.

By the time we'd driven the mile or so to the freeway I started to talk about my therapy and social anxiety.  It was the only thing that I could think of to talk about that would seem like a big enough deal.  So basically I chickened out from my original plan.

We got to work and I went in kicking myself the whole way.  I kept telling myself when I got back out there I was going to get into why I had wanted him to come out with me.  I went up to my desk, retrieved my wallet and walked town the four flights of stairs to the tunnel leading to the parking lot.  The whole time I was telling myself I had to talk to him.

I got back to the car and fumbled with my seatbelt.  I needed to find the words... silence.

We drove to the restaurant.  After entering and putting out names in the hostess said it would be a 30 minute wait.  This was perfect.  We could go outside and talk... silence.  I couldn't even ask him to go outside to talk.

Dinner was half chatting about nothing and half silence.

The car ride home was him talking about Warhammer 40K updates and me nodding and thinking to myself I HAD to say something.

We pulled into his drive.  He said thank you for dinner and unbuckled his seatbelt as he got ready to leave.

"Wait.  I need to talk to you about something."

I did it I'd actually said something, but now I was kind of committed to following this through.  After a bit of silence where I was struggling to find the words he told me that I could tell him anything.

I started to say how I wanted to let him know that I planned to start dating.  He said how great that was to hear.  Then I fumbled around the next sentence.

"The thing is... When I start dating... I plan to date... I think I want to date... guys.  I'm not saying that I'll end up with a guy, but I've had these thoughts for a long time."

The next hour was filled with him being supportive, me spilling a few things, but not as much as I've spilled here and to my friend.

He said he had a couple gay coworkers and asked if it would be alright if he talked with them.  I told him he could and told him about the ex and my friend had put me in contact with so that I could maybe find a friend in the gay community.  He said he'd see about the guys at work too.

I told him he could tell his wife if he needed to talk to someone about it.  I stressed though that both of them should keep it quite for now.  I feel like I don't want to tell many more people until I've been out on at least one date, but I'm fairly certain what I'm feeling is the way it is.

He asked if he was depriving of something by not letting me tell his wife.  The thing there is I don't have a lot of trust for her right now.  If I were to tell her and ask her to keep it a secret I don't think I'd be convinced it would be kept.  If he does it I feel differently.  I told him that and he seemed to understand.

We also talked about the reactions I fear I'll see in the family and my friends.  Who will accept it, who will reject it.  For the most part I think a lot of cousins will be fine with it.  Aunts, Uncles, and my grandmother are different stories.

I don't feel quite as freed as I did last week, but I do feel a little better knowing that my bother cares for me still and knows a piece of what I've been going through.  I know it has strengthened our bond.

When Should I Come Out?

Ok.  So now I'm wondering.  When should I tell people?

I have my friend at work.  She just today (on her birthday of all days) broke up with her boyfriend.  I mentioned in an earlier post that she and I went out as friends once, but I got the vibe she wanted it to be more than friends.  She got with that boyfriend not long after the night out.  So he was the rebound guy.  On one hand it makes me want to talk with her more so that she knows I'm just not a possibility.  On the other hand I don't know how she's going to react and I really don't want to kick her while she's down.  But she's such a good friend.  One of my best friends really.  I don't know how much longer I can go on not telling her.  But it at least will explain to her how I knew exactly what shoes to wear with the new little black dress she's wearing out this weekend (j/k I'm fashion inept).

Next is my brother.  I want to tell him first in my family.  I think... rather I'm sure he will be accepting of me.  He has always seemed that way.  It will probably be a little awkward at first, but I think he'll be happier that I'm happier.  His wife is a wild card.  I may have to tell her just so he has someone to support him.  I know that she has at least one gay friend, but I'm worried that it will change how she see's me and change how she feels about me being around my nieces and nephew.  Apparently there is some bad history with her ex's family that I just don't know (nor want to know) the full story of, and I'm afraid the typical prejudice of gay men and children will pop up.

Then there is my mom and stepfather.  My dad passed away two years ago.  If he were still alive I don't know how I would tell him.  I don't know if I would have even been able to admit it to myself.  Anyway.  I think my mom is going to need some time.  That's why telling my brother first is better.  I think he can help her through it.  I really feel though that she'll realize that I'm happier and more comfortable with myself in the long run.  The stepfather is a wildcard.  He acts like he's liberal minded at times, but then he makes comments and seems to be homophobic as well.  He'll probably accept it, but be uncomfortable with it.  So no PDA with the boyfriends at family get togethers.

I have my pool friends and D&D friends.  That's a very mixed bag.  One of my pool friends openly talks about her gay friends and is very liberal minded.  I think she'll be the first I talk to (plus talking to the women in my life seems easier... weird right?).  Next would be the guy who is on my pool team and in the D&D group.  He's also liberal minded, but he worries unnecessarily at times and I think he'd be afraid about how the rest of the group would react.  He'd probably want to change the atmosphere of the group to be more clean and less gay jokes.  I don't want that at all.  I crack some of those same jokes and have never been offended.  I think they'll take on a whole new context too. :)

The rest of the D&D group is about 1/3rd going to be cool, 1/3rd wildcard, and 1/3rd scares the hell out of me to think how they may react.  I would hate if this broke up our group or something.  On the plus side I can make coming out part of the game by just making the character gay and then saying that it's how I feel too. :)

My extended family will be hard to work with.  I have some who will accept it no problem.  I have some who I have no idea what they'll think.  And I have some I deeply fear will disown me or treat me so differently that I'm uncomfortable.

As for when this will all happen I'm debating that.  My friend at work, my brother, and the girl from the pool team are the first people I'm looking to tell.  Beyond that there is my cousin who's my high school friend's (yes the same friend I've been mentioning as being gay... we come from a small town after all) sister-in-law.  My cousin and his wife (at least his wife) who I get together to play games with every once and a while.

I'm thinking I may try to hold out until after my therapist appointment next week, but I may not make it until then.  I kind of want to talk with her to see if it's a good idea.  I mentioned my feelings toward her saying I was gay and I'm wondering if she picked up on that since we didn't discuss it at all last session.  How's she going to react when I suddenly act out and proud.  Will she think it's false?  Will she think it's too soon?  I don't know.

Dating Rules

Ok.  Now that I've settled on who I'm going to date I think I need to sent some ground rules (there may be an item or two here that will give myself away to the reader who knows me personally, but I seriously doubt anyone I know has stumbled onto this blog.

1.  Must have intelligence.  That doesn't mean an education necessarily.  It means that they need to not act stupid.  There are many people who have intelligence, but never cultivated that with school.  You can learn about someone's intelligence just by talking to them, so this should be fairly simple to apply.

2.  Should range in age from just older than my kid brother to a few years older than me.  This should put their age at around 26/27 to 36/37.  It's not that big of a deal, but I don't like the idea of someone several years older than me.  I also don't like the idea of seriously dating someone younger than my bother, though I may be willing to do other things with them.

3.  They cannot be named Kyle.  :)  I'm kind of firm on this one.  My bother's name is Kyle.  He has a friend named Kyle (who has also become a friend of mine).  His wife has a friend Kyle and her husband Kyle (who I have also gotten to know).  We have a cousin who married a Kyle.  At work there is a Kyle.  The soon to be ex-husband of my best friend at work is named Kyle.  And the friend I've been telling you about has just introduced me to an old boyfriend of his that's named Kyle (which is annoying because we share some interests, but the idea was that he can be a more local gay friend to get to know).

I once went out to the movies with about half of these Kyles.  It was nice because I could call on every one else by just saying one name, but can you imaging what it would be like to have a boyfriend with the name name as my bother?  Now a boyfriend with my name would be just plain cool.

4.  No sex.  Well not no sex, but we both have to be ready for it, and I know that I'll probably be the holdout.  I want a relationship based on something other than physical pleasure.  The more I think about it the more I won't preclude the possibility of a one night stand, but I don't think you can base a real relationship on something like that.

I'm sure there will be other rules to add to the list, but these four will govern me for now.

First Night at a Gay Club

So I talked my friend who's in town into going out tonight.  I hinted that I was thinking about a gay club.  He missed the hint, but suggested the gay club too if I wanted to push myself a little.

It was several text messages in with him finally saying that I didn't have to do it if I didn't want to when I finally said, "Fuck it" and told him that I was hinting to go to a gay bar and damned if I wasn't going to do it.

He agreed and we went.

He was running late.  That was no big deal to me.  He called to tell me he was on his way.  I sat down and pulled up a 30 minute episode of a show on Netflix while I waited.  As the episode ended I suddenly got very nervous.  It was strange.  Why should I be so nervous?

I started cleaning (when I'm nervous I either clean or eat, and cleaning seemed like the better option).  I was such a bundle of nerves.  I get this way when I am anxious about experiencing new things, going new places, etc.

When he finally showed up I had calmed, but I was still not feeling at ease.  I got in his car and went with him to the bar.  The bar s divided into two sides.  The first side has a country theme (we are in the midwest after all).  There was hardly anyone there and that put me at ease.  I had about three drinks before we went to the more wild side.

On that side there was a drag queen show.  I had told my friend before that the drag queen aspect of gay culture was the one that I didn't like the most, but when presented with it face to face I enjoyed it.  I don't know why I didn't want to experience it (maybe it was the two doubles I had when I got to the other side of the bar).

I do have to say I enjoyed myself.  I only wish that I had gotten up and danced.  Part of me wanted to, but I held back.  I don't know why.  I'll have to remedy that next time I go.

I did get to see a lot of eye candy though and had a great time watching one guy dance. :)

Coming Out to Me

I'm sure there was an earlier post or two that sounded like I'd already done this, but I don't think I ever truly have before.

I said earlier that my friend was in town and we had this huge long conversation.  I really forced myself to open up about stuff.  Forced may be the wrong word.  I wanted to open up, but I kept holding back all day. It wasn't until very late in the night that I really started to talk.

It's funny because one of the topics of conversation that day was when he came out to me.  He couldn't recall how it happened.  I know he did not intend to come out when he did.  He was very secretive and controlling of that information at the time (wow you think that would have been something that would have entered my mind).

Anyway he came out to me when we were roommates at college.  I remember the exact date (because I'm that kind of friend).  It was very late at night.  We sometimes had this thing where after the lights went out and we were both in bed we'd talk a little about all kinds of things.  This night he was talking to me about something he stumbled across online that disturbed him.  It was a piece of erotic fiction that involved a widely known religious figure from history in a homosexual relationship (I'd rather you infer what that means then me actually have to type it... I'm still a little religious remember). :)

I remember he said something that clicked with me and I asked him if he was trying to tell me something.  It was at that point he admitted he was gay.  I'm fairly certain I'm the first person he told from back home.  That was always something that meant a lot to me.  It kind of defined the relationship as a lifelong friendship.  I didn't need to really work through the question of accepting him.  He was my best friend.  It changed nothing about how I felt about him.

So it's only fitting that I basically returned the favor to him (wow does that ever sound dirty).  When we were having our discussion I opened up about fantasies I had in high school, the porn I watched, the shows that I watched and the relationships that meant the most to me in them (basically I have the viewing habits of a teenage girl because I love shows like Degrassi, and Ziley (Riley/Zane) was one of my favorite relationships (although I enjoyed the Marco/Ellie friendship almost as much, but part of that was because I really liked watching Stacey Farber and the guy that played Marco was extremely cute as he got older).

After telling my friend all this stuff it was easier to accept in myself that, yeah I'm gay.  Not 100% gay, but mostly gay.  The weird thing is I don't want the gay label though.  I don't want the bi label either.  I don't want any label.  I just want to be me.

An extremely wise person said that the hardest person, and in fact the first person, to come out to is yourself.  It's taken me nearly 15 years to do it, but I finally think I have.  I realize that I want what my friend has.  I want a relationship, and I kind of expect for that relationship to be with a guy.

This is definitely a turning point in my life.

Perspective

So I've been given a different perspective. I haven't been doing all that great with my assignment from the therapist, but the successes I've had with it have given me a little perspective that I think was the entire point of it exercise.

I need to experience confidence. I need to choose to be confident. Confident in who I am. Confident in what I've accomplished.  Confident in what I hope to still accomplish.

I experienced a perfect moment of confidence on Saturday. I had a great conversation with someone when I went to weigh in at the Weight Watchers center. We discussed both of our histories a little and she told me a little about her husband who was just beginning to start down the path of weight loss.

After that conversation I was filled with confidence. I can talk to people, and I do have interesting things to say to them.

My friend that I visited a couple weeks ago is in town visiting family this week. He came over yesterday and we had a long conversation about stuff. Basically it was a continuation of the stuff we were discussing last time we talked.  Stuff about him and stuff about me.

It took me a while, but was able to open up to him about a lot of things I've never really told anyone before. Some of my fears when it comes to having a relationship (both sexual and non-sexual). My private moments (i.e. the types of adult films I've watched, the fantasies I had when I was a teenager, the crushes I had).

It was tough at first to get some of it out, but after I did it felt good to have voiced out loud some of the things I was worried about, see how someone else reacted to it, and recognize and accept things in myself because of that.

I'm not sure if that quite makes since. Basically I feel a bit more at ease and calm. I'm not ready to shout certain things from the rooftop yet, but I don't feel as fearful of doing it.

I actually feel more ready to date (which is amazing). I'm a little excited to try to do it. It's going to be a task to find someone to do it with, and I'm going to want to start it more like a new friendship at first and ease into it.

And I think I've decided that I do feel like I would be more comfortable with another guy in the end. I'm not completely writing off the idea of ending up with a girl, but I feel more confident about having a relationship with a guy.

Now we'll see how well I'm able to articulate this to my therapist on Friday. :)

Drought

Can I just say.  I'm incredibly annoyed with shows that make it seem like a single person going month's without sex is an incredibly terrible thing, and that to go a few years without it is just unheard of and so shocking.  I can't imaging what they'd say about someone who's in their 30's an hasn't done it yet.

I know I'm not the only person out there who is this way.  I know there are others.  I've found posts from them on various forums, but in reality no one knows anyone in this situation because no one in this situation talks about it.  I know I'm not spouting it to my friends... well I spouted it to one friend, but I've basically already told you about that.

So I had my appointment with my therapist today.  I don't think it went well.  I just couldn't bring myself to talk about a few things.  I don't really know why.  Maybe it was because it was just so personal and I'm not comfortable exposing myself that much.  Maybe it's because I didn't want to cry.  I know I felt it under the surface a couple times.

She asked me a question about me thinking I was gay.  It was weird.  There was a part of me that for some reason didn't like hearing her say that.  I don't know why.

She gave me a new task to try to do, and I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it.  I'm supposed to try to make small talk with people I come across.  The cashier in the checkout line for instance.

To me it just seems weird.  Plus part of me doesn't see what good it's going to do.  I mean I'm forced to interact with this person anyway.  I'm going to try to make it happen though.

She said something else that struck me as funny when you take a look at the name of the blog.  She said that I had a kind of teenager mentality when it came to interacting with other people.

Here's the basic thing that goes on in my head (and yes I realize it's a bit crazy).  I'm not that great of a person.  That person who I would like to talk with is a much better person then me.  If they are willing to lower themselves to my level they'll come to talk with me.  I don't want to become a burden to them, so I won't talk with them.

It's weird I know, but that is honestly were my head is a lot of the time.  I don't think I'm worth knowing unless you go out of your way to get to know me.

I just don't know how this whole thing is going to work out.

This is Not Me Backsliding

The title says what it says because I think the post is going to convey the opposite.

I'm just frustrated, I think.  Like I was telling my friend this weekend (and I'm sure I've mentioned it here) I'm  upset with myself that it's taken me so much time to tiptoe out into the world of dating (gay or straight).  It's making me impatient.

Nothing is moving fast enough for me.  Not my therapy.  Not my own understanding of what I really want and desire.  Not my feeble attempts on online dating sites.

I exchanged exactly 2 messages with the guy I spoke about earlier.  His last message was, short, cryptic, and didn't really continue or start any type of a conversation (and the message before that was the one where he said my initial message pissed him off).  You can tell from my posts I'm not really a quiet person when I've got a computer keyboard between me and the other person, so having conversations a sentence at a time was annoying.  So I just wrote it off as him not being interested, because from that short exchange I knew that I sure wasn't.

So tonight I messaged someone else.  I thought it was kind of cute.  He lived in the same town my friend does too (which I thought was kind of cool).  I kept it pretty simple, but at the same time tried to make it longer then just a sentence.  I kind of wrote it as "if you respond great, if not OK" kind of thing.  Of course that's the way I'd want it to be, but in reality I was sitting on pins and needles waiting for a response.

I saw that he checked my profile, but he didn't respond back.  I couldn't blame him because I'm not sure I'd respond back to me.

I just don't like having to figure all this out.  I don't like the lost feeling I have when I try to write a message.  And I know I'm going to have the same feelings (or worse) should anything move to an actual face to face meeting.  I don't have the experience of other people my age who've been dating for 10 or 15 years.

I just have this feeling that I lost before I even started trying.  I missed my opportunity to find someone.

Maybe it's just that the online thing isn't for me, but then I have no idea how to do the old fashioned way at my age.  I'm thinking about asking my friend to take me to a gay bar/hangout over labor day weekend, but he's in a college town so there will probably be a lot of younger guys there just looking to hookup (and some of them may even get drunk enough to consider me).  I'm not really looking to just hook up.  One thing I do know is that doesn't really appeal to me (I'm not completely ruling out the possibility it could happen, but it's not high up on my list of things I want to do).

I also don't know of anyone I can really ask to fix me up.  I have a limited pool of friends to draw from, and I'm not wanting to discuss what's going on in my head with them right now.  Plus many of them are looking on their own, so I don't see that working out well.

There's a part of me that just wants to cry over it all.  I told myself a while ago not to get my hopes up, and never to expect to fall in love, and here I am almost 8 years later doing just that.  Back then I didn't think it would ever be possible, but now I think it may be, and I kick myself for writing it off.  It would have been easier to enter the dating world at 26 (although I would have been about 100+ lbs. heavier) then it is to try to  do it at 33.

OK.  So I let it out.  Yeah it's a broken record of some of the stuff I've written before (insecurities don't just vanish overnight).  I do feel better just getting things off my mind sometimes though, and that's one of the reasons I started doing this.

Pride

So as I reported in my last post that I went and saw my old high school friend.  I talked with him about my questioning and other topics.  I've been reflecting a little bit over the past day and a half and have started to realize that I feel better about things.

I've read a couple blogs from people who have come out.  It's not always pretty.  But there have been many I've read that talked about people who came out first to people they knew would be accepting (extremely close and understanding friends, friends that already identified as gay, bi, or questioning).

When I read these posts I seemed to hear the same reaction.  A sense of relief.  A sense of calm.  A sense that everything was not as out of control as it originally seemed.

I feel a little of that today.  I feel lighter.  Like I'm not as unhappy as I was before.  Like I can make it through life.  Like maybe I will be able to have a relationship (romantic, sexual, whatever).  At the same time though I think I'm starting to realize something.

I have never had a problem with anyone being gay.  My only problem growing up was how people would perceive me if I didn't appear to share their views on homosexuality.  I got roomed with someone at camp that said they were gay/questioning.  When some of the people from my school found out about this person I asked to be moved because of how they reacted.  I feel bad about that now (partly because it was a bad thing to do and partly because there could have been some experimentation--though I highly doubt it--that I would have been fine with).

Later in life when I felt more secure in not acting like I was homophobic (having a gay best friend made it easier to feel that way).  I didn't stop it when others did it, but I was no longer a willing participant (though I will admit to cracking a gay joke or two on occasion, but they never came from a place of hate).

What I don't get though is why I feel like I may have a problem if I were gay.  If I don't have a problem with someone else being gay why is it so wrong that I may be?

My friend kind of touched on this subject.  He mentioned how being gay means accepting the consequences of that.  Things like not being able to have kids that are as much a part of you as they are your partner.

I think this is a little of what is scaring me.  I think I may be gay and there is a part of me that just doesn't want to accept the consequences and wants to hold on to the notion that I can be straight and "normal."  Honestly "normal" is the wrong word.  A better world would be "traditional."

Part of me wants to try a relationship out with a girl, have vaginal intercourse, try out a traditional life, but there is another part of me that is convinced that it will not be the life for me.

I had another fantasy this morning.  I imagined being in bed with a guy.  It wasn't a particular guy.  It was a cliched setting.  He was over to fix something for me and somehow we wound up in bet together.  There were parts that were just about the cuddling and intimacy, and there were a few flashes of acts of caring, loving sex.  I have had a similar fantasy with a girl, but the sex part is normally omitted.

After having this fantasy though I thought for the first time that I may be able to have sex with someone I'd recently met.  I can see the possibility that I'd connect with someone enough to feel comfortable doing it with them.  I think I may even be able to have sex just for the sake of having sex (although I'm not entirely convinced of that.  I know that I'm really looking for a relationship).  I realize though that having sex so early isn't a foundation for a good, lasting relationship.

It's a little weird to me to be able to think along those lines.

So I guess what this boils down to is no matter what my sexuality is I need to find a way to accept who I am and take pride in that.  I need to find a way to embrace my sexuality.

Best Friends Forever

I never really thought about the meaning of this phrase until today.  I drove 2 hours to see my high school best friend.  It was a kind of the spur of the moment idea I had a few days ago:  part nostalgia, part boredom, and part restlessness.

He and I became friends our freshman year of high school and roomed together our freshman year of college.  Since then our friendship has been somewhat on the back burner, but it's still been there even if we weren't tending to it.

My friend is gay.  He came out to me in that winter we roomed together.  I can honestly say I didn't have a problem with it.  He was my friend and because he was important to me I just accepted it as part of him.

I will admit there was a little bit of jealousy that he had found a way to move on in his life and I was still lost, but I still supported him none the less.

We talked about a lot after he came out.  I told him that I had sometimes questioned my sexuality.  We discussed things that happened in high school.  We discussed our experiences to that date.  Once we even sat and looked at some pictures of guys together (just looked, nothing more).

I knew that eventually I would want to go talk with him and tell him some of what was going on.  I had told him I started therapy a while back.  He has logged his own time in therapy for various reasons, so it seemed right to let him know I was starting down the same path.

Not long after I got in the door we were talking about a lot of heavy subject stuff (mainly concerning our respective issues and our therapy in general).  For two people who have not talked much in the last 10 years it may seem a little weird that we were able to get into the deep stuff so quickly, but honestly it was nothing.  We just instantly feel back into the trust and friendship that we had so long ago.

Part of my wanting to go see him was because I wanted to talk about this kind of stuff.  I also felt I needed to tell someone other then my therapist and the people who stumble on this blog about my issues with sexuality.  I knew because of his own coming out that he would have a little perspective on the issue.

It took me an hour or more to finally get the courage to talk about my questioning.  That of course fed into my relationship issue, issues with sex, and issues with self-esteem and self-image.  That part of the conversation lasted the rest of the day.

It was wonderful being able to open up to someone and hear what they thought.  I didn't really hold back from him, and I don't think he really held back from me either.

It is strange, but at the same time awesome that I have a friendship like this that has stood the test of time and remained so strong.  My time with my friend today taught me the meaning of the phrase Best Friend Forever.  He really is that to me.

Therapy

I told my brother last night that I was seeing a psychologist.  I'd been wanting to tell him, but it seemed like last night was the best time.  He was having a fight with his wife and I was figuring into it (basically I don't think she trusts/likes me, which is funny because she's the one who did something that shattered my trust in her, and she was upset with him because he was going to leave their twins in the car of me and my mom who just had outpatient surgery).

So he was standing his ground and she was saying that he needed to change.  He said he didn't want to be wrong.  Finally I just told him to give.  I did have a long talk with him about how I feel both of them are treating family and how I feel about how his wife is acting.

He made a comment about how irritable I had been and that being a concern of his if I should take care of the twins.  That's when I decided I needed to tell him I was seeing a therapist.

I talked with him a little about a few things I was trying to work on.  I completely left any talk about love, sex, and relationships out of it though.  As I've said before everything is pretty much hypothetical at this point, and I don't see any reason to possibly upset him since I still don't know myself.

I'm sure telling him about my attending therapy will be a positive step for our relationship.  I'm also hoping some of the things I said will sink in a little.  I know he seems to be reconsidering a decision he made for this weekend, so that at least makes me feel a little better.

Changing the Story

So this is just going to be a quick update. I decided that I really do want to do some writing (other then what I'm doing here). I've always wanted to tell my personal story as a semi-autobiographical fiction piece.

I don't know for certain who would want to read it, but since it's something I've always wanted to do and I'm trying to make a change in my life, it seems like I should give it a try.

I've set up a Tumblr page for this piece of fiction. I'm kind of doing it as a series of blog entries, but I plan to do some sequences set in high school as well as sequences set in the present day.

I've also set up a Facebook page (thank goodness you can do that without having to attach it to a real account), and a Twitter account.

I think this should be a fun diversion.  So now I'll have two outlets.  One for my serious thoughts and feelings (this place).  And one for my more creative interpretation of it all.

We'll see how long this lasts, but then I've been able to stick to a few things lately.  I've been exercising like crazy, and liking it.  I've been reading a lot more, and liking it.  I've been blogging here for longer then any other time I've tried to before, and liking it.   Who's to say I won't like this just as much?

Now if I can just find a nice local chorus or men's or mixed ensemble to sing with (other then a church one) and I'll be a fulfilled as I can be until I can figure out this whole dating/sex/attraction thing (not necessarily in that order).

My Night as A Pseudo Extrovert

So I just got back from my night out. The first night I've gone out relatively alone ever. I did meet up with a friend of my mom and step-father, but she's only a couple years older then me and is married to a member of the local band I was there to see, so that gives me instant cred that I was happy to have.

Anyway. It took a couple drinks to get me to open up a little. I think alcohol always helps introverts become more extroverted. BTW I'm a responsible drunk, so after 5 martini's I cut myself off and drank water for two+ hours.

Anyway I was sitting there and two girls came up and asked to sat at my table (I was the only one there at the time). One was OK. The other was blonde and smoking. I think I've alluded to the fact that I can appreciate both the male and female figure. I'm not saying that I'm definitely bi, but I can tell when a girl is at least ascetically pleasing (just for the record there was a guy behind them that was equally pleasing to look at).

So I get to talking with the smoking hot one. Not much. Just want do you do. Relating what she did to what a family member of mine did. I was actually a little proud of my skills in the situation, but I admit it was the 4 vodka martini's doing a lot of the talking.

So the band is on a break and starts crowding around our table. The wife of the band member starts talking to her husband and saying that she had some friends who were supposed to show up, but didn't have room for them anymore and stuff like that. The girls apologized, got up and left.

I now know what it's like to be totally cock blocked. I'm not saying that I had any chance in a million years with either of these girls even though they were noticeably intoxicated.

The reasoning is first that they were too far out of my league. I know I not that hot. The second is because even if they were drunk enough that I was looking good there isn't enough drinks in the world that can get me to start thinking that it's a good idea to take advantage of that.

I'm a responsible drunk and I know that takes into account not doing something stupid like having a one night stand with a drunk person (not that I fault anyone for doing that I just know that I CANNOT be that person).

What's worse is that the band member's wife's friends show up and like barely were there. They sat for a song then half of them let for another bar. Another went and sat at the table next to us and finally the last one left because her other friends had gone. That's just not right.

But still I take a little solace in the fact that they asked to sit with me. Yes there was no one else at the table at the time, but that still says something doesn't it. Maybe with beer goggles I'm at least half way OK?

I don't know. All I know is I'm kind sobered up from the night and for once I'm actually a little happy with myself. I did have a good time. I think I can make this work. I may even be able to do it with a little less alcohol next time.

I think it was a good night, don't you?

Free Trait Agreement

Ok.  So I think I just made a fool out of myself with a post on Facebook (not a tremendous one, just a little one), but I don't really care for once in my life.  I'm not going to worry about it.  I'm just going to enjoy the reason why I made the post.

Last night I went out with my mother and step-father (I know not necessarily the best looking thing to do.  It really does just scream virgin at 30).  The reason I went with them is because a local cover band was playing at a bar that I'd never been to downtown.  They're big fans and friends with the band, and I've grown to like the band as well which is the reason I decided to go with them.

I'd had a few drinks before there, a few more drinks there, and then several cigars since it was a cigar bar and that is the only thing I will ever smoke (I know given the nature of this blog there are so many choice statements that could be made about that last sentence.  I'm actually giggling a little inside just writing it).

I actually had a good time.  I really enjoyed myself for once.

It got me thinking about another passage in Quiet that I'd read before.  Cain was talking about making a Free Trait Agreement with yourself.  The idea is that if you're an introvert there are times you need to act like an extrovert.  You have to make an agreement with yourself that you'll act this way for one instance, but that means as a "reward" you'll get something you want in return.

Let's say you're single.  You dislike the bar scene, but you crave intimancy, and you want to be in a long-term relationship in which you can share cozy evenings and long conversations with your partner and a small circle of friends.  In order to achieve this goal, you make an agreement with yourself that you will push yourself to go to scoial events, because only in this way can you hope to meet a make and reduce the number of gatherings you attend over the long term.  But while you pursue this goal you will attend only as many events as you can comfortably stand.

Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a Word that Can't Stop Talking (New York: Crown Publishers, 2012), 221.

It's another one of those things I knew, but didn't know, and it works for more then just personality.  I'm not saying that I'm going to be bar hoping looking for my soul mate.  What I really think I need right now is to become more comfortable being a person, out there in the real world, without having to have a safety net of family and friends to fall back on.

I need to be able to find and meet new friends.  I need to be able to develop more relationships then I have now.  I mean as far as close friends go I have a group of six guys I get together with every other weekend to play games with.  Some of them overlap with my Thursday night pool game.  And at work I have one really close friend and a couple others who I talk to but don't do much with.

It's been this way for YEARS.  It's fine.  I've enjoyed it.  I cherish those few friendships.  But it's not making me change or grow.  I'm just kinda standing still.  And if I'm standing still how will I ever get to where I want to be?

Ok.  So this blog isn't turning out to be quite what I thought it was going to be when I started it.  I thought it was going to be a way primarily for me with relative anonymity to explore my sexuality and the fears I had of putting a toe out in the dating world.  It's really more about exploring who I am as a person.  The whole me, not just one part.

So here's what I'm thinking.  At least once every other month (or maybe even once a month).  I MUST go out somewhere.  I can bring friends with me or I can go it alone.  It has to be a place I wouldn't normally go.  It can't just be a restaurant.  It has to be a place where I may be expected to mingle and talk with new people (most likely a bar of some sort).  That's my free trait agreement with myself.  If I can do this then I think my reward will be the fuller life that I always dreamed of having.

The Journey

Ok. So yesterday's post was kinda dark. The weird thing is I've been having this thing happen where I become concerned with something and then amazingly I find a passage in the book I'm reading (actually the book I've finished) that speaks to it.

Today I was on the bike at the YMCA doing my usual reading with iPod blaring and came across this passage:

We all write our life stories as if we were novelists... with beginnings, conflicts, turning points, and endings. And the way we characterize our past setbacks profoundly influences how satisfied we are with our current lives. Unhappy people tend to see setbacks as contaminants that ruined an otherwise good thing, while generative adults see them as blessings in disguise. Those who live the most fully realized lives... tend to find meaning in the obstacles.

Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a Word that Can't Stop Talking (New York: Crown Publishers, 2012), 263.

It kinda speaks to what I was doing in yesterday's post. Viewing my past setbacks as a contaminant instead of a blessing. In a way though that sounds like a cheesy "Every cloud has a silver lining" kind of statement. The problem is finding the silver lining in this cloud.

What I also found funny about this and other things I've read in the book is that these are things I seemed to intrinsically (big word) know, but I had to read them before my brain said, "pay attention stupid, and do this."

It's hard to change how you think about things, especially when you've thought a certain way about them for a long, long time. I'm hoping that I can though.

So maybe the journey of finding the new me isn't as scary today as I thought it was yesterday. Maybe I need to look at it as an adventure that not a lot of people are lucky enough to embark on. And my reward at the end of it won't be some prize or parade, but the satisfaction of knowing and loving myself, who I am, more then I ever have.

Edit:  I should also give credit where credit is due and say that Sam's comment on yesterday's post also helped lighten my morning a little so that the passage above could really sink in.

Allow Me To Vent for a Moment

I just got back from my normal Thursday night of league pool with friends.  It's really the only night I go out each week.  We were talking and somehow the topic turned to how old we all were (one of my friends guessed my age and was only a year under to which he replied, "and I was lowballing it").  At 33 (almost 34) I'm the youngest of the group.

At the very end of the night the jukebox started playing songs from their high school/middle school days, and I was relating how I was only 5 in the early 80's when some of these songs came out.

I say I want to vent because since there was talk about high school there was also talk about young love relationships and going to prom.  Not much mind you, only a small little bit.  But that small bit just kinda got to me.

One of the guys on my team is married.  The girl has been married and is currently dating.  The other guy I don't really know that well (we don't talk much... it's that weird he's their friend and I'm their friend, but we're not really friends kind of thing), but I assume he has dated/is dating.

My point is that if the discussion had gotten going more with other people contributing I would have had nothing. I didn't have a high school romance.  I didn't have a college romance.  I haven't had an adult romance (of course I basically said all this in my first post).  I will never have those sorts nostalgic memories to add to the conversation.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not saying that I'm never going to have a romance.  I still have hope that something will happen someday, but I can never go back and change the past.  I'm never going to have the memory of being a teenager in love.  I'm never going to know what it was like kick my roommate out of my dorm room (but I do know what it's like to be the one kicked out).

It just makes me... sad.  I know you'll probably say that I can make lovely memories from this point forward.  That may be true (although right now I still have times where I find it difficult to believe anyone could fall for me), but it's not going to be the same.

Of course just thinking about the possibility of having a relationship leads me down the path of anxiety and asking, "what if."  What if I do find someone who's crazy enough to go out on a date with me?  What will it be like?  How should I act?  What if I withdraw so much because of my introversion and shyness and have nothing to say or come across as cold and uninterested?  Should I tell them that it's my first date?  How can I tell what their body language is telling me, because I know I'm completely clueless there.

Then what happens if we try to kiss?  Can I be a good kisser having never done it before?  How can I tell if I should initiate the kiss?  What happens if things get serious?

And it's thinking like that (and a much poorer self image) that put me in this situation to begin with.  Ugh.  I can't believe that such a simple, off the cuff comment could cause me so much turmoil.  I was having a good night too, but for some reason this just started eating at me.

I know, I know, I'm most likely making a much larger deal out of this then it should be.  I really think that at my next appointment I need to get the courage to bring some of this up.  We touched on it during my initial appointment.  To which the therapist said, "you're still young."  But over the last two weeks it's just been weighing on me more and more.

There are some days where it would have been easier if I had just stayed my 400 lbs. self.  I knew how to be that person.  I was miserable, but I knew better who I was when I was him.  I'm not saying I want to go back.  It's just... right now I'm lost.

He Responded

I mentioned back in this post that this guy had shown interest in me without viewing my profile on a dating site.  And in this post I mentioned messaging him.  I actually have a followup to that, and it's about what I expected.

Like I said right after I sent the message I had second thoughts.  I kinda zeroed in on something from his profile that I actually related to.  He mentioned being a bigger guy (but he still looked pretty good, damn why did I also say something like that) and being judged by people, and I basically was trying to say that I identified with that.

My second thoughts kicked in after sending the message because I thought maybe it wouldn't come across as the understanding statement I meant it to.  Apparently I was right because in his response he said that at first the message did tick him off, but after rereading it he realized there was no reason to be.  He then went on to apologize for having not responded for so long.

I was happy he acknowledge the message.  I was also happy he took the time to reread my original message.  I wrote a quick reply back soon after he sent his message saying something to the effect of being astonished that I still can manage to put my foot in my mouth through e-mail.

I'm hoping he doesn't take the quickness of the reply as being weird.  See these are just a few of the worries that are always circling around in my head during social situations.  I can't even escape them online... it's annoying.  Stupid introverted personality. :-P

So basically it's another waiting game.  On the plus side I'm heading for a whole 10 and a half days off starting tomorrow.  It's going to be great.  I'm just planning to be around here and with family, but I may try to meet up with a friend or two to do something.  We'll see.

I know one thing though I'm going to keep up the gym days I've been doing lately.  It's been pretty steadily 2-3 days for an hour each day and one day off for the past two weeks.  I'm actually starting to look forward to it.  Maybe I'll hit my goal weight by Christmas.

Came Across Something in the Book

Ok.  So I've been mentioning my therapist suggested I read Quiet at my first session.  I have been reading it and loving it.

I'm nearing the end of the book now and it's starting to shift focus to how an introvert should adapt to a world of extroverts.  I came across a passage that just freaked me out a little.

It talked about being an introvert, craving a relationship, but hating the bar scene and such.  It mentioned that you may have to make a pact with yourself to put yourself in those types of social situations.

It's not that I hadn't considered that, but reading it somehow make it click for me.  At some point I will need to try to get out there.  My only problem is figuring out how to do it.

I mean I don't really have the group of friends to go out with.  Most are either married or as introverted as I am and therefore no real help.  My most extroverted friend is a girl and it would mean that either I'm the third wheel to her and her boyfriend or we'd be going out together which doesn't make it look like I'm available (unless of course I'm thinking of going the guy route).

I'm also not confident that even if I do get myself to go somewhere that I won't just sit at the bar and isolate myself like a typical wallflower.

Plus there's the question of where to go.  If I go down town I'd expect to be dealing with a lot more college aged people.  I don't think I could really relate.  The outer edge of town where I live tend to be more country bars and such and that's not as much my style.  And I have absolutely no idea how to break into the gay scene (although I do have a friend who may be able to help with that, but I'm not ready to confide in him yet).  Plus my searches so far have come up with one main bar and some of the pictures from it kinda turn me off.

I know a lot of this is probably just excuses for the real problem which is I have absolutely no idea how to act in this sort of a situation.  I'm not a hunter.  I'm the one who wants someone to come up to them, but I just don't think I'm attractive enough to get someone to come up to me.

I know if I was a little more confident in the way I looked then maybe that would put out a aura that would make me seem more approachable (really there are physical cues that can do that).  But I'm not certain I can do that.

I just know that I can't just sit around here like this too much longer.  I need my time alone, but no man is an island and there are times when I crave the social life that seems to come so easily to so many people.

Would It Be Fair?

So I'm wondering something.  Not that anyone's going to have an opinion on this because no one is really reading. :)  As I mentioned in my very first post I set up a couple profiles on a few dating sites.  I set them up searching for other guys because I was pretty sure (and still lean toward) that I would be more into guys then girls.

Now though I've been thinking of changing one of both of the profiles to be toward girls.  I tried to keep the profile as generic as I could with the specific idea that I could switch it if I wanted to, but I don't know if it's the right thing to do.

I do question if I could be with a girl.  Part of me wants to try it and find out.  I'm pretty sure at one point I mentioned the night out with a good friend of mine.  That helped fuel my confusion even more.  I was purposefully avoiding looking at her as anything other than a friend, so I was actively trying to avoid feeling anything more than that for her.  But I did enjoy myself.

I know that's hardly an emphatic declaration of my love of the V over the P, but it did inform my questioning.

I guess what I'm afraid of is that if I do decide to try dating a girl first I run the risk of really hurting someone. It seems like less of a risk with a guy (but I know it's still a risk there).  Plus as I've said before I think I can picture being with a guy better then being with a girl.

It's just confusing because I don't know what thoughts are informed by what I truly desire and raw emotion and what thoughts are just the product of this crazy, crazy brain of mine trying to over think things.

I just don't feel like my body is telling me anything and that is where the problem lies.  I honestly believe I could fall in love with either, but I just can't tell for certain which will fulfill me physically if I even really need that.

Is it right for me to even consider trying to date a girl when there's a part of me that seems to feel I'll end up with a guy?  Is it right to use a girl like training wheels?  Some of this would be simpler for me if I'd just been on one lousy date.

I'm worried that this idea of me switching to girls is just because I want to be in a relationship so badly that I'm doing it out of desperation.  I mean it wold be very hard to find a guy.  First you have to find a guy that's into guys.  Then you have to find a guy that's into you and one that you think you can be into too.  Then you have to hope they understand that you're not ready to publicly declare yourself, and you have worry that the're looking for something more physical then emotional (which is what I'm looking for).  It's all just such a mess that yes... girls seem easier.

In other news the book idea has stalled out.  I want to get back to doing it, but I've realized that I think I need to approach it from a different angle.  I need to get more into the internal stuff.  I was writing it with flashbacks and such and that was getting gimmicky and hard to get really work out.  I think I need to treat it more like an exploration of self.  Maybe a story starting in high school rather than out?  Maybe still keeping it as looking back, but focus more on the internal questioning and bring the flashbacks in when they inform the inner dialog.  It's all just a jumble right now.

A Post That's A Little All Over The Place

I'll admit that I've been kind of on an emotional roller-coaster the last week.  I just can't explain exactly why.  There is a part of me that feels broken and another part that feels lost.

I've been trying (on my own mind you) to define what I want.  I know I don't want to be alone.  I know I want someone to spent my life with.  Someone who's more than just a friend, a companion that will be there for me and I for them.

I just still cannot see who would fill that role.  Is it a guy, is it a girl?  I think both would be fine, but I question if I could truly "be with" one or the other.  It seems easier to picture myself in that situation with a guy, and I don't know why.  There's just a part of me that wonders if I could ever make that part of the relationship work with a girl.  But there's the other side that still wonders if I even really need that part of the relationship (of course it wouldn't be fair to the other party if they need it).

The thoughts and emotions are all just really too hard to put into words and even though I've make a few posts over at asexuality.org I still don't know if I really feel like I've found anyone who understands and that I can talk it out with.

I've honestly been really depressed lately.  My therapist was trying to get me to go to the gym at our last appointment.  She was only thinking like 20 minutes every couple days, but I did an hour at least 4 times a week.  I don't feel like I'm getting burnt out on it, in fact I'm beginning to like it because I feel like I can escape there.

The reason I mention this is because they say that when you work out your body is supposed to release all these endorphins that give you a better mood.  I don't know if I've ever felt that.  I don't feel like I've been getting the emotional high I should for working out.  Or maybe the emotional high is just returning me to what once was my normal emotional state.

I guess loneliness is probably the biggest emotion I've been feeling as of late.  It's weird because as an introvert I really do value my time alone.  I enjoy reading and writing.  I could sit here and do it for quite a while and be quite content, but even introverts need some interaction.  I don't want to be a hermit.  So yeah.  The loneliness is part of it.

I also feel a sense of loss.  Here I am at 33 (almost 34) and I'm still the never dated, never been kissed, lonely looser I was in high school.  I feel like I've lost out on the last 10-15 years.  I feel like I've failed... at life.  You're really only given one thing ever that is all your own.  One thing that you have to nurture.  One thing that you can't ever take back.  You're life is what God handed you and said, "You only get one, so don't screw this up," and I have.  I've missed out on so much and I have no idea if I can ever make up for it. I have no idea how to make up for it.

I don't know how to begin to try to get out there.  Dating sites don't appear to be working.  I've had a couple people indicate interest, but not anyone I feel like I want to connect with.  I've tried to take the initiative, but don't hear anything back.  I'm I being too picky?  I'm a little desperate, but I'm not to the any port in a storm stage yet.  Am I coming across as too needy in my messages?  Is my profile not good enough?  Are my pictures too plain?

I just feel like I'm on the verge of crying all the time.  I feel like I don't know who I am or what I want.  I feel like I'm going to be this way for the rest of my life.  I don't think I can handle that.  There was a time when I could, but I can't do it anymore.  I can't go through life this way.  But I have no idea if it can be changed or how to do it.

All I know is that I just hurt so much.

It's Been a Long Week

So it's been a long week so far.  Monday I wasn't feeling too great (mainly tired and a little down), so I stayed home.  I got a call from my boss saying there was an issue that was delaying the release of our software and that I needed to log in an fix it.  I did.  And then I went into catastrophe mode.

It's funny because I had just read a couple passages a day or two ago in Quiet talking about what happens when introverts go into catastrophe mode, and I had thought to myself that I don't really do that.  When there is an issue I'm usually the level headed one who keeps everything calm.  I'm normally good in a crisis.  That is unless I caused it.

I cried for a good hour.  I called my brother and talked with him (well more like cried in his ear). I felt like I'd done so much wrong.  No only because of the mistake I made at work but because of the general shape my life has been in.  Everything just unraveled.  I was upset for the rest of the day.

The next morning I had urges to go talk with my manager.  I thought I was done for (which is really an overreaction).  I wanted to lay everything out.  But I didn't and I'm glad I didn't.  I was acutely aware of my demeanor though.  I hung my head.  I felt like I was constantly blushing.  I felt shame.  I had a typical introvert's reaction to stress.

Later in the day my boss came over for a one on one and as part of it talked with me about the issue.  I said what mistakes I made.  He acted like it wasn't that big of a deal.  That made me feel a little better.  But I still think its affected me because I still feel like crying.  Yesterday I just couldn't concentrate no matter how hard I tried.

I also am worried that my brother may have gotten onto my computer when I wasn't here and he was over taking care of our dogs.  I am usually good about closing down stuff like my blog, my support websites, my dating profile, my research, and my writing.  But for some reason I didn't.  My computer wasn't password protected (it is now though).

I just don't know.  I can't tell if he's acting weird toward me of I just think he's acting weird.  It's just adding to my stress.  I also called him tonight and found out that they were looking for a babysitter for my nieces tomorrow.  I said if they were in a pinch that I could do it and he said, "That's alright we'll figure something out."

How am I supposed to take that?  Does that mean they just don't want me around my own nieces?  Do they think I can't handle them?  Do they not trust me?  It's only adding to everything that's on my mind.

As If Writing Here Wasn't Enough

For some reason doing this blog and the reading I've been doing has inspired me to write some stuff down as a story.  I'm hoping that it will help me sort through some stuff.  It's loosely autobiographical.  To give an example I just got done writing a scene where the main character first feels confusion about his sexuality.  In reality it didn't happen for me exactly that way.

There are elements of other parts of my experience that helped to develop that scene (speaking of development I think I need to go back and flesh that scene out a little bit more, no pun intended), but I never had the exact experience I'm writing about.

There are other things I plan to do.  I want to get into the time when I considered suicide.  One of the things that stopped me from doing it was a cousin in another state that did do it.  However in the story I'm already planning on it being a close friend that attempts it, but does not succeed.

I don't ever plan to pass it off as 100% autobiographical only to say that it's inspired by my life.

I'm hoping to cover all of my struggles with my sexuality in it including my wondering if I'm asexual or not.  Who knows maybe one day I'll get it published.  Or maybe I'll post it as a blog serial.  Or I could always just keep it for myself.  I know though that simply doing this is going to help me face some thoughts and emotions I haven't faced for years, and I think that will be a good thing.

That Kid From Glee

So it's Father's Day.  My dad passed away a couple years ago.  This is my third Father's Day without him.  I have a tradition I started that first one where I go out to breakfast.  This year I invited my mother to go along with me.

We waited for our table and were seated much quicker then I expected to be.  Our waiter quickly came by to say "Hi" and that he would be right back to wait on us.  He was kinda cute and slightly effeminate and just seemed like maybe he could be into guys.  I tried not to look at him much because A) that's my nature, and B) my mom is sitting right there oblivious to any of the issues I've wrestled with all these years.

So the breakfast has been going well.  We chit chatted a little.  The waiter has been very nice and was really doing a good job the whole time despite the place being packed.  I've gotten up the nerve to make a little eye contact with him, but who am I fooling I'm not the type of person people are generally attracted to.  I know my place.  Once we are done eating and waiting on our check and to-go order my mom leans over to me ad says, "He reminds me of Glee."

I look back at her not quite sure if I'd heard what I thought I did, "What?"

"He reminds me of Glee.  You know the television show.  He reminds me of someone who would be on it."

I just kinda nodded and smiled and understanding.

I didn't know what to think about that comment.  She didn't say it with malice.  I'm pretty sure she knows that Glee is one of my favorite shows because, well that was me in high school.  I was in the choir.  I did solos (even went to state one year).  I was in the elite ensemble.  There was even a time I was seriously considering pursuing a career in vocal performance.

So this makes me question how much I'd be accepted if I did realize I was gay and came out to my family.  What will they think?  Will they be able to accept me?  I think so, but it's scary.  I'm so close with my mom and brother.  I don't think I could bear loosing them.

I'd already decided to keep any dating I do quiet.  I've done the same with my therapy.  Only my medical doctor, therapist, and my high school best friend know that I'm doing it.  I've thought about telling other people (especially my brother who has probably been my best friend as of late), but just haven't been comfortable with it yet.

No one knows how to find this blog.  I've told my therapist that I'm keeping it, but I haven't told her where it is.  I told her I may, but I'm not sure if that will happen.  My high school best friend knows about it too.  I plan to eventually tell him how to find it.  He once let me read a few of the anonymous forum posts he made concerning a very serious struggle he had been going through, so I feel like he should be given the same consideration.

I'm sure everyone important to me in my life will be accepting of me, but it's all still a little scary.

Courage

So I got up the courage to message the guy I mentioned a few posts ago.  It was a simple message.  Non-committal.  I even mentioned I was a little new to the game and that if he wanted to run for the hills I wouldn't blame him.  We'll see what happens.

Honestly I'm not sure if this was a good idea or a bad idea.  I probably should have brought it up with my therapist today, but I just don't think we're quite ready to start delving into the murky waters that is my sexuality on the second session.

I would have been more hesitant if the guy was right around the corner, but he's over 100 miles away, so it's easier for me to just start up an e-mail relationship with him.  By the time we get to discussing meeting in person I'll probably have a chance to ask my therapist if it's a good idea to be doing that at this stage.

I've dwelt for so many years on just what my sexuality is.  The more and more I think about it the more and more I lean toward some kind of strange combination of homosexual leaning bisexual demisexual homoromatic leaning biromatic.  Basically I'm 75% certain I'm gay, but I still question if I could have a heterosexual relationship.  I'm fairly certain I'm highly romantic leaning and will most likely not feel comfortable engaging in sex until I'm in an established relationship.  Honestly though I wonder if I throw the bi in there just to make me feel that there's hope of having a traditional life.

As I said before I believe I can see having a romantic relationship with a woman, but something about the idea of sex with a woman just doesn't feel right to me.

It's very hard to express urges and emotions that in theory I will feel.  Until I actually try to pursue them I don't think I'm never going to know exactly what feels right.

One thing I do know is I get all mushy at every Degrassi, Glee, As the World Turn, etc., gay relationship I ever see.  More mushy then I get at any straight relationship I catch (though those can still get to me).

I'm not going to pretend for a minute though that I have solved an issue that has been dogging me for 15+ years in a matter of days though.  That's just plain crazy.  I only know that if I don't start to try (and at the same time try to prepare myself for the ups and downs it's going to bring) I'll always be questioning and I'll never know the answer.