Dating Rules

Ok.  Now that I've settled on who I'm going to date I think I need to sent some ground rules (there may be an item or two here that will give myself away to the reader who knows me personally, but I seriously doubt anyone I know has stumbled onto this blog.

1.  Must have intelligence.  That doesn't mean an education necessarily.  It means that they need to not act stupid.  There are many people who have intelligence, but never cultivated that with school.  You can learn about someone's intelligence just by talking to them, so this should be fairly simple to apply.

2.  Should range in age from just older than my kid brother to a few years older than me.  This should put their age at around 26/27 to 36/37.  It's not that big of a deal, but I don't like the idea of someone several years older than me.  I also don't like the idea of seriously dating someone younger than my bother, though I may be willing to do other things with them.

3.  They cannot be named Kyle.  :)  I'm kind of firm on this one.  My bother's name is Kyle.  He has a friend named Kyle (who has also become a friend of mine).  His wife has a friend Kyle and her husband Kyle (who I have also gotten to know).  We have a cousin who married a Kyle.  At work there is a Kyle.  The soon to be ex-husband of my best friend at work is named Kyle.  And the friend I've been telling you about has just introduced me to an old boyfriend of his that's named Kyle (which is annoying because we share some interests, but the idea was that he can be a more local gay friend to get to know).

I once went out to the movies with about half of these Kyles.  It was nice because I could call on every one else by just saying one name, but can you imaging what it would be like to have a boyfriend with the name name as my bother?  Now a boyfriend with my name would be just plain cool.

4.  No sex.  Well not no sex, but we both have to be ready for it, and I know that I'll probably be the holdout.  I want a relationship based on something other than physical pleasure.  The more I think about it the more I won't preclude the possibility of a one night stand, but I don't think you can base a real relationship on something like that.

I'm sure there will be other rules to add to the list, but these four will govern me for now.

First Night at a Gay Club

So I talked my friend who's in town into going out tonight.  I hinted that I was thinking about a gay club.  He missed the hint, but suggested the gay club too if I wanted to push myself a little.

It was several text messages in with him finally saying that I didn't have to do it if I didn't want to when I finally said, "Fuck it" and told him that I was hinting to go to a gay bar and damned if I wasn't going to do it.

He agreed and we went.

He was running late.  That was no big deal to me.  He called to tell me he was on his way.  I sat down and pulled up a 30 minute episode of a show on Netflix while I waited.  As the episode ended I suddenly got very nervous.  It was strange.  Why should I be so nervous?

I started cleaning (when I'm nervous I either clean or eat, and cleaning seemed like the better option).  I was such a bundle of nerves.  I get this way when I am anxious about experiencing new things, going new places, etc.

When he finally showed up I had calmed, but I was still not feeling at ease.  I got in his car and went with him to the bar.  The bar s divided into two sides.  The first side has a country theme (we are in the midwest after all).  There was hardly anyone there and that put me at ease.  I had about three drinks before we went to the more wild side.

On that side there was a drag queen show.  I had told my friend before that the drag queen aspect of gay culture was the one that I didn't like the most, but when presented with it face to face I enjoyed it.  I don't know why I didn't want to experience it (maybe it was the two doubles I had when I got to the other side of the bar).

I do have to say I enjoyed myself.  I only wish that I had gotten up and danced.  Part of me wanted to, but I held back.  I don't know why.  I'll have to remedy that next time I go.

I did get to see a lot of eye candy though and had a great time watching one guy dance. :)

Coming Out to Me

I'm sure there was an earlier post or two that sounded like I'd already done this, but I don't think I ever truly have before.

I said earlier that my friend was in town and we had this huge long conversation.  I really forced myself to open up about stuff.  Forced may be the wrong word.  I wanted to open up, but I kept holding back all day. It wasn't until very late in the night that I really started to talk.

It's funny because one of the topics of conversation that day was when he came out to me.  He couldn't recall how it happened.  I know he did not intend to come out when he did.  He was very secretive and controlling of that information at the time (wow you think that would have been something that would have entered my mind).

Anyway he came out to me when we were roommates at college.  I remember the exact date (because I'm that kind of friend).  It was very late at night.  We sometimes had this thing where after the lights went out and we were both in bed we'd talk a little about all kinds of things.  This night he was talking to me about something he stumbled across online that disturbed him.  It was a piece of erotic fiction that involved a widely known religious figure from history in a homosexual relationship (I'd rather you infer what that means then me actually have to type it... I'm still a little religious remember). :)

I remember he said something that clicked with me and I asked him if he was trying to tell me something.  It was at that point he admitted he was gay.  I'm fairly certain I'm the first person he told from back home.  That was always something that meant a lot to me.  It kind of defined the relationship as a lifelong friendship.  I didn't need to really work through the question of accepting him.  He was my best friend.  It changed nothing about how I felt about him.

So it's only fitting that I basically returned the favor to him (wow does that ever sound dirty).  When we were having our discussion I opened up about fantasies I had in high school, the porn I watched, the shows that I watched and the relationships that meant the most to me in them (basically I have the viewing habits of a teenage girl because I love shows like Degrassi, and Ziley (Riley/Zane) was one of my favorite relationships (although I enjoyed the Marco/Ellie friendship almost as much, but part of that was because I really liked watching Stacey Farber and the guy that played Marco was extremely cute as he got older).

After telling my friend all this stuff it was easier to accept in myself that, yeah I'm gay.  Not 100% gay, but mostly gay.  The weird thing is I don't want the gay label though.  I don't want the bi label either.  I don't want any label.  I just want to be me.

An extremely wise person said that the hardest person, and in fact the first person, to come out to is yourself.  It's taken me nearly 15 years to do it, but I finally think I have.  I realize that I want what my friend has.  I want a relationship, and I kind of expect for that relationship to be with a guy.

This is definitely a turning point in my life.

Perspective

So I've been given a different perspective. I haven't been doing all that great with my assignment from the therapist, but the successes I've had with it have given me a little perspective that I think was the entire point of it exercise.

I need to experience confidence. I need to choose to be confident. Confident in who I am. Confident in what I've accomplished.  Confident in what I hope to still accomplish.

I experienced a perfect moment of confidence on Saturday. I had a great conversation with someone when I went to weigh in at the Weight Watchers center. We discussed both of our histories a little and she told me a little about her husband who was just beginning to start down the path of weight loss.

After that conversation I was filled with confidence. I can talk to people, and I do have interesting things to say to them.

My friend that I visited a couple weeks ago is in town visiting family this week. He came over yesterday and we had a long conversation about stuff. Basically it was a continuation of the stuff we were discussing last time we talked.  Stuff about him and stuff about me.

It took me a while, but was able to open up to him about a lot of things I've never really told anyone before. Some of my fears when it comes to having a relationship (both sexual and non-sexual). My private moments (i.e. the types of adult films I've watched, the fantasies I had when I was a teenager, the crushes I had).

It was tough at first to get some of it out, but after I did it felt good to have voiced out loud some of the things I was worried about, see how someone else reacted to it, and recognize and accept things in myself because of that.

I'm not sure if that quite makes since. Basically I feel a bit more at ease and calm. I'm not ready to shout certain things from the rooftop yet, but I don't feel as fearful of doing it.

I actually feel more ready to date (which is amazing). I'm a little excited to try to do it. It's going to be a task to find someone to do it with, and I'm going to want to start it more like a new friendship at first and ease into it.

And I think I've decided that I do feel like I would be more comfortable with another guy in the end. I'm not completely writing off the idea of ending up with a girl, but I feel more confident about having a relationship with a guy.

Now we'll see how well I'm able to articulate this to my therapist on Friday. :)