Free Trait Agreement

Ok.  So I think I just made a fool out of myself with a post on Facebook (not a tremendous one, just a little one), but I don't really care for once in my life.  I'm not going to worry about it.  I'm just going to enjoy the reason why I made the post.

Last night I went out with my mother and step-father (I know not necessarily the best looking thing to do.  It really does just scream virgin at 30).  The reason I went with them is because a local cover band was playing at a bar that I'd never been to downtown.  They're big fans and friends with the band, and I've grown to like the band as well which is the reason I decided to go with them.

I'd had a few drinks before there, a few more drinks there, and then several cigars since it was a cigar bar and that is the only thing I will ever smoke (I know given the nature of this blog there are so many choice statements that could be made about that last sentence.  I'm actually giggling a little inside just writing it).

I actually had a good time.  I really enjoyed myself for once.

It got me thinking about another passage in Quiet that I'd read before.  Cain was talking about making a Free Trait Agreement with yourself.  The idea is that if you're an introvert there are times you need to act like an extrovert.  You have to make an agreement with yourself that you'll act this way for one instance, but that means as a "reward" you'll get something you want in return.

Let's say you're single.  You dislike the bar scene, but you crave intimancy, and you want to be in a long-term relationship in which you can share cozy evenings and long conversations with your partner and a small circle of friends.  In order to achieve this goal, you make an agreement with yourself that you will push yourself to go to scoial events, because only in this way can you hope to meet a make and reduce the number of gatherings you attend over the long term.  But while you pursue this goal you will attend only as many events as you can comfortably stand.

Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a Word that Can't Stop Talking (New York: Crown Publishers, 2012), 221.

It's another one of those things I knew, but didn't know, and it works for more then just personality.  I'm not saying that I'm going to be bar hoping looking for my soul mate.  What I really think I need right now is to become more comfortable being a person, out there in the real world, without having to have a safety net of family and friends to fall back on.

I need to be able to find and meet new friends.  I need to be able to develop more relationships then I have now.  I mean as far as close friends go I have a group of six guys I get together with every other weekend to play games with.  Some of them overlap with my Thursday night pool game.  And at work I have one really close friend and a couple others who I talk to but don't do much with.

It's been this way for YEARS.  It's fine.  I've enjoyed it.  I cherish those few friendships.  But it's not making me change or grow.  I'm just kinda standing still.  And if I'm standing still how will I ever get to where I want to be?

Ok.  So this blog isn't turning out to be quite what I thought it was going to be when I started it.  I thought it was going to be a way primarily for me with relative anonymity to explore my sexuality and the fears I had of putting a toe out in the dating world.  It's really more about exploring who I am as a person.  The whole me, not just one part.

So here's what I'm thinking.  At least once every other month (or maybe even once a month).  I MUST go out somewhere.  I can bring friends with me or I can go it alone.  It has to be a place I wouldn't normally go.  It can't just be a restaurant.  It has to be a place where I may be expected to mingle and talk with new people (most likely a bar of some sort).  That's my free trait agreement with myself.  If I can do this then I think my reward will be the fuller life that I always dreamed of having.

The Journey

Ok. So yesterday's post was kinda dark. The weird thing is I've been having this thing happen where I become concerned with something and then amazingly I find a passage in the book I'm reading (actually the book I've finished) that speaks to it.

Today I was on the bike at the YMCA doing my usual reading with iPod blaring and came across this passage:

We all write our life stories as if we were novelists... with beginnings, conflicts, turning points, and endings. And the way we characterize our past setbacks profoundly influences how satisfied we are with our current lives. Unhappy people tend to see setbacks as contaminants that ruined an otherwise good thing, while generative adults see them as blessings in disguise. Those who live the most fully realized lives... tend to find meaning in the obstacles.

Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a Word that Can't Stop Talking (New York: Crown Publishers, 2012), 263.

It kinda speaks to what I was doing in yesterday's post. Viewing my past setbacks as a contaminant instead of a blessing. In a way though that sounds like a cheesy "Every cloud has a silver lining" kind of statement. The problem is finding the silver lining in this cloud.

What I also found funny about this and other things I've read in the book is that these are things I seemed to intrinsically (big word) know, but I had to read them before my brain said, "pay attention stupid, and do this."

It's hard to change how you think about things, especially when you've thought a certain way about them for a long, long time. I'm hoping that I can though.

So maybe the journey of finding the new me isn't as scary today as I thought it was yesterday. Maybe I need to look at it as an adventure that not a lot of people are lucky enough to embark on. And my reward at the end of it won't be some prize or parade, but the satisfaction of knowing and loving myself, who I am, more then I ever have.

Edit:  I should also give credit where credit is due and say that Sam's comment on yesterday's post also helped lighten my morning a little so that the passage above could really sink in.

Allow Me To Vent for a Moment

I just got back from my normal Thursday night of league pool with friends.  It's really the only night I go out each week.  We were talking and somehow the topic turned to how old we all were (one of my friends guessed my age and was only a year under to which he replied, "and I was lowballing it").  At 33 (almost 34) I'm the youngest of the group.

At the very end of the night the jukebox started playing songs from their high school/middle school days, and I was relating how I was only 5 in the early 80's when some of these songs came out.

I say I want to vent because since there was talk about high school there was also talk about young love relationships and going to prom.  Not much mind you, only a small little bit.  But that small bit just kinda got to me.

One of the guys on my team is married.  The girl has been married and is currently dating.  The other guy I don't really know that well (we don't talk much... it's that weird he's their friend and I'm their friend, but we're not really friends kind of thing), but I assume he has dated/is dating.

My point is that if the discussion had gotten going more with other people contributing I would have had nothing. I didn't have a high school romance.  I didn't have a college romance.  I haven't had an adult romance (of course I basically said all this in my first post).  I will never have those sorts nostalgic memories to add to the conversation.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not saying that I'm never going to have a romance.  I still have hope that something will happen someday, but I can never go back and change the past.  I'm never going to have the memory of being a teenager in love.  I'm never going to know what it was like kick my roommate out of my dorm room (but I do know what it's like to be the one kicked out).

It just makes me... sad.  I know you'll probably say that I can make lovely memories from this point forward.  That may be true (although right now I still have times where I find it difficult to believe anyone could fall for me), but it's not going to be the same.

Of course just thinking about the possibility of having a relationship leads me down the path of anxiety and asking, "what if."  What if I do find someone who's crazy enough to go out on a date with me?  What will it be like?  How should I act?  What if I withdraw so much because of my introversion and shyness and have nothing to say or come across as cold and uninterested?  Should I tell them that it's my first date?  How can I tell what their body language is telling me, because I know I'm completely clueless there.

Then what happens if we try to kiss?  Can I be a good kisser having never done it before?  How can I tell if I should initiate the kiss?  What happens if things get serious?

And it's thinking like that (and a much poorer self image) that put me in this situation to begin with.  Ugh.  I can't believe that such a simple, off the cuff comment could cause me so much turmoil.  I was having a good night too, but for some reason this just started eating at me.

I know, I know, I'm most likely making a much larger deal out of this then it should be.  I really think that at my next appointment I need to get the courage to bring some of this up.  We touched on it during my initial appointment.  To which the therapist said, "you're still young."  But over the last two weeks it's just been weighing on me more and more.

There are some days where it would have been easier if I had just stayed my 400 lbs. self.  I knew how to be that person.  I was miserable, but I knew better who I was when I was him.  I'm not saying I want to go back.  It's just... right now I'm lost.

He Responded

I mentioned back in this post that this guy had shown interest in me without viewing my profile on a dating site.  And in this post I mentioned messaging him.  I actually have a followup to that, and it's about what I expected.

Like I said right after I sent the message I had second thoughts.  I kinda zeroed in on something from his profile that I actually related to.  He mentioned being a bigger guy (but he still looked pretty good, damn why did I also say something like that) and being judged by people, and I basically was trying to say that I identified with that.

My second thoughts kicked in after sending the message because I thought maybe it wouldn't come across as the understanding statement I meant it to.  Apparently I was right because in his response he said that at first the message did tick him off, but after rereading it he realized there was no reason to be.  He then went on to apologize for having not responded for so long.

I was happy he acknowledge the message.  I was also happy he took the time to reread my original message.  I wrote a quick reply back soon after he sent his message saying something to the effect of being astonished that I still can manage to put my foot in my mouth through e-mail.

I'm hoping he doesn't take the quickness of the reply as being weird.  See these are just a few of the worries that are always circling around in my head during social situations.  I can't even escape them online... it's annoying.  Stupid introverted personality. :-P

So basically it's another waiting game.  On the plus side I'm heading for a whole 10 and a half days off starting tomorrow.  It's going to be great.  I'm just planning to be around here and with family, but I may try to meet up with a friend or two to do something.  We'll see.

I know one thing though I'm going to keep up the gym days I've been doing lately.  It's been pretty steadily 2-3 days for an hour each day and one day off for the past two weeks.  I'm actually starting to look forward to it.  Maybe I'll hit my goal weight by Christmas.

Came Across Something in the Book

Ok.  So I've been mentioning my therapist suggested I read Quiet at my first session.  I have been reading it and loving it.

I'm nearing the end of the book now and it's starting to shift focus to how an introvert should adapt to a world of extroverts.  I came across a passage that just freaked me out a little.

It talked about being an introvert, craving a relationship, but hating the bar scene and such.  It mentioned that you may have to make a pact with yourself to put yourself in those types of social situations.

It's not that I hadn't considered that, but reading it somehow make it click for me.  At some point I will need to try to get out there.  My only problem is figuring out how to do it.

I mean I don't really have the group of friends to go out with.  Most are either married or as introverted as I am and therefore no real help.  My most extroverted friend is a girl and it would mean that either I'm the third wheel to her and her boyfriend or we'd be going out together which doesn't make it look like I'm available (unless of course I'm thinking of going the guy route).

I'm also not confident that even if I do get myself to go somewhere that I won't just sit at the bar and isolate myself like a typical wallflower.

Plus there's the question of where to go.  If I go down town I'd expect to be dealing with a lot more college aged people.  I don't think I could really relate.  The outer edge of town where I live tend to be more country bars and such and that's not as much my style.  And I have absolutely no idea how to break into the gay scene (although I do have a friend who may be able to help with that, but I'm not ready to confide in him yet).  Plus my searches so far have come up with one main bar and some of the pictures from it kinda turn me off.

I know a lot of this is probably just excuses for the real problem which is I have absolutely no idea how to act in this sort of a situation.  I'm not a hunter.  I'm the one who wants someone to come up to them, but I just don't think I'm attractive enough to get someone to come up to me.

I know if I was a little more confident in the way I looked then maybe that would put out a aura that would make me seem more approachable (really there are physical cues that can do that).  But I'm not certain I can do that.

I just know that I can't just sit around here like this too much longer.  I need my time alone, but no man is an island and there are times when I crave the social life that seems to come so easily to so many people.

Would It Be Fair?

So I'm wondering something.  Not that anyone's going to have an opinion on this because no one is really reading. :)  As I mentioned in my very first post I set up a couple profiles on a few dating sites.  I set them up searching for other guys because I was pretty sure (and still lean toward) that I would be more into guys then girls.

Now though I've been thinking of changing one of both of the profiles to be toward girls.  I tried to keep the profile as generic as I could with the specific idea that I could switch it if I wanted to, but I don't know if it's the right thing to do.

I do question if I could be with a girl.  Part of me wants to try it and find out.  I'm pretty sure at one point I mentioned the night out with a good friend of mine.  That helped fuel my confusion even more.  I was purposefully avoiding looking at her as anything other than a friend, so I was actively trying to avoid feeling anything more than that for her.  But I did enjoy myself.

I know that's hardly an emphatic declaration of my love of the V over the P, but it did inform my questioning.

I guess what I'm afraid of is that if I do decide to try dating a girl first I run the risk of really hurting someone. It seems like less of a risk with a guy (but I know it's still a risk there).  Plus as I've said before I think I can picture being with a guy better then being with a girl.

It's just confusing because I don't know what thoughts are informed by what I truly desire and raw emotion and what thoughts are just the product of this crazy, crazy brain of mine trying to over think things.

I just don't feel like my body is telling me anything and that is where the problem lies.  I honestly believe I could fall in love with either, but I just can't tell for certain which will fulfill me physically if I even really need that.

Is it right for me to even consider trying to date a girl when there's a part of me that seems to feel I'll end up with a guy?  Is it right to use a girl like training wheels?  Some of this would be simpler for me if I'd just been on one lousy date.

I'm worried that this idea of me switching to girls is just because I want to be in a relationship so badly that I'm doing it out of desperation.  I mean it wold be very hard to find a guy.  First you have to find a guy that's into guys.  Then you have to find a guy that's into you and one that you think you can be into too.  Then you have to hope they understand that you're not ready to publicly declare yourself, and you have worry that the're looking for something more physical then emotional (which is what I'm looking for).  It's all just such a mess that yes... girls seem easier.

In other news the book idea has stalled out.  I want to get back to doing it, but I've realized that I think I need to approach it from a different angle.  I need to get more into the internal stuff.  I was writing it with flashbacks and such and that was getting gimmicky and hard to get really work out.  I think I need to treat it more like an exploration of self.  Maybe a story starting in high school rather than out?  Maybe still keeping it as looking back, but focus more on the internal questioning and bring the flashbacks in when they inform the inner dialog.  It's all just a jumble right now.

A Post That's A Little All Over The Place

I'll admit that I've been kind of on an emotional roller-coaster the last week.  I just can't explain exactly why.  There is a part of me that feels broken and another part that feels lost.

I've been trying (on my own mind you) to define what I want.  I know I don't want to be alone.  I know I want someone to spent my life with.  Someone who's more than just a friend, a companion that will be there for me and I for them.

I just still cannot see who would fill that role.  Is it a guy, is it a girl?  I think both would be fine, but I question if I could truly "be with" one or the other.  It seems easier to picture myself in that situation with a guy, and I don't know why.  There's just a part of me that wonders if I could ever make that part of the relationship work with a girl.  But there's the other side that still wonders if I even really need that part of the relationship (of course it wouldn't be fair to the other party if they need it).

The thoughts and emotions are all just really too hard to put into words and even though I've make a few posts over at asexuality.org I still don't know if I really feel like I've found anyone who understands and that I can talk it out with.

I've honestly been really depressed lately.  My therapist was trying to get me to go to the gym at our last appointment.  She was only thinking like 20 minutes every couple days, but I did an hour at least 4 times a week.  I don't feel like I'm getting burnt out on it, in fact I'm beginning to like it because I feel like I can escape there.

The reason I mention this is because they say that when you work out your body is supposed to release all these endorphins that give you a better mood.  I don't know if I've ever felt that.  I don't feel like I've been getting the emotional high I should for working out.  Or maybe the emotional high is just returning me to what once was my normal emotional state.

I guess loneliness is probably the biggest emotion I've been feeling as of late.  It's weird because as an introvert I really do value my time alone.  I enjoy reading and writing.  I could sit here and do it for quite a while and be quite content, but even introverts need some interaction.  I don't want to be a hermit.  So yeah.  The loneliness is part of it.

I also feel a sense of loss.  Here I am at 33 (almost 34) and I'm still the never dated, never been kissed, lonely looser I was in high school.  I feel like I've lost out on the last 10-15 years.  I feel like I've failed... at life.  You're really only given one thing ever that is all your own.  One thing that you have to nurture.  One thing that you can't ever take back.  You're life is what God handed you and said, "You only get one, so don't screw this up," and I have.  I've missed out on so much and I have no idea if I can ever make up for it. I have no idea how to make up for it.

I don't know how to begin to try to get out there.  Dating sites don't appear to be working.  I've had a couple people indicate interest, but not anyone I feel like I want to connect with.  I've tried to take the initiative, but don't hear anything back.  I'm I being too picky?  I'm a little desperate, but I'm not to the any port in a storm stage yet.  Am I coming across as too needy in my messages?  Is my profile not good enough?  Are my pictures too plain?

I just feel like I'm on the verge of crying all the time.  I feel like I don't know who I am or what I want.  I feel like I'm going to be this way for the rest of my life.  I don't think I can handle that.  There was a time when I could, but I can't do it anymore.  I can't go through life this way.  But I have no idea if it can be changed or how to do it.

All I know is that I just hurt so much.