Last night I went out with my mother and step-father (I know not necessarily the best looking thing to do. It really does just scream virgin at 30). The reason I went with them is because a local cover band was playing at a bar that I'd never been to downtown. They're big fans and friends with the band, and I've grown to like the band as well which is the reason I decided to go with them.
I'd had a few drinks before there, a few more drinks there, and then several cigars since it was a cigar bar and that is the only thing I will ever smoke (I know given the nature of this blog there are so many choice statements that could be made about that last sentence. I'm actually giggling a little inside just writing it).
I actually had a good time. I really enjoyed myself for once.
It got me thinking about another passage in Quiet that I'd read before. Cain was talking about making a Free Trait Agreement with yourself. The idea is that if you're an introvert there are times you need to act like an extrovert. You have to make an agreement with yourself that you'll act this way for one instance, but that means as a "reward" you'll get something you want in return.
Let's say you're single. You dislike the bar scene, but you crave intimancy, and you want to be in a long-term relationship in which you can share cozy evenings and long conversations with your partner and a small circle of friends. In order to achieve this goal, you make an agreement with yourself that you will push yourself to go to scoial events, because only in this way can you hope to meet a make and reduce the number of gatherings you attend over the long term. But while you pursue this goal you will attend only as many events as you can comfortably stand.Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a Word that Can't Stop Talking (New York: Crown Publishers, 2012), 221.
It's another one of those things I knew, but didn't know, and it works for more then just personality. I'm not saying that I'm going to be bar hoping looking for my soul mate. What I really think I need right now is to become more comfortable being a person, out there in the real world, without having to have a safety net of family and friends to fall back on.
I need to be able to find and meet new friends. I need to be able to develop more relationships then I have now. I mean as far as close friends go I have a group of six guys I get together with every other weekend to play games with. Some of them overlap with my Thursday night pool game. And at work I have one really close friend and a couple others who I talk to but don't do much with.
It's been this way for YEARS. It's fine. I've enjoyed it. I cherish those few friendships. But it's not making me change or grow. I'm just kinda standing still. And if I'm standing still how will I ever get to where I want to be?
Ok. So this blog isn't turning out to be quite what I thought it was going to be when I started it. I thought it was going to be a way primarily for me with relative anonymity to explore my sexuality and the fears I had of putting a toe out in the dating world. It's really more about exploring who I am as a person. The whole me, not just one part.
So here's what I'm thinking. At least once every other month (or maybe even once a month). I MUST go out somewhere. I can bring friends with me or I can go it alone. It has to be a place I wouldn't normally go. It can't just be a restaurant. It has to be a place where I may be expected to mingle and talk with new people (most likely a bar of some sort). That's my free trait agreement with myself. If I can do this then I think my reward will be the fuller life that I always dreamed of having.
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