I just don't see it as being a driving factor in a relationship. Maybe I don't really have that much of a sex drive. I know, I know I said in my very first post that I have a sex drive, and there are times when I feel like I'd like to experience it, but I don't have the need to go grab someone, throw them in a bed, and do bad things to them.
In all honesty the thought of sex before a relationship just doesn't seem to do anything for me. Maybe years of watching internet porn has desensitized me to meaningless sex. I just cannot imagine meeting someone, barely getting to know them, then taking them somewhere and going at each other.
I said before I had a sex drive based on the frequency of... well I'm sure you can guess. But just thinking about bringing another person who's physically there into the mix brings up some feelings of fear and anxiety. There may be some excitement mixed in there too, but honestly I can't tell.
Part of me is scared because it's something I've never done before. I'm afraid that I'm going to do something wrong, that they won't enjoy it, that I won't enjoy it. I'm concerned that I won't want to do it as early in the relationship as they want to. I'm also afraid of them expecting me to make the first move as I have no idea what that would be, and I don't know how to tell if they're making the move.
The whole process is just so foreign to me. You see those cheesy family shows that give advice like, "when the time is right you'll know." I just can't believe it's like that though. If I can't tell who I'm attracted to then what are the chances of me being able to tell when the time is right? Maybe the label I'm looking for really is asexual after all (not that I need a label to define me).
I keep thinking that maybe my first kiss will give me some insight into all this, but even such a simple thing as that carries some of the same concerns I have about sex.
Kissing, sex, and other physical interaction are all parts of a relationship and everything just seem so foreign to me right now. It makes me sad, and nervous, and panicked, and angry. How can I sit here at my age and be so concerned about this stuff?
God this is so freaking me out. It's not something I can really talk to my friends about. I mean who wants to admit to their friends they're this much of a looser. It's not only that, but I don't feel like I really have the types of friendships anymore where I could discuss stuff like this. There is one friend from my past that I have started to reconnect with a little, but I don't even know if I want to burden him with this.
I don't know if I can tell my therapist either. It's just so personal, and embarrassing, and pathetic at the same time that it's much easier to just let it all out here anonymously. Even if I did feel like I had someone to talk to I know they can't really relate. I don't know anyone who's like me. After all if they were like me they wouldn't be advertising it either.
How many 30 year old never been kissed, never dated, virgins are there in the world and what are the chances a large number of them are right here with me. East coast... I'm sure there's a few, West coast... possibly, Alaska... definitely, but here smack in the middle... I just don't see a large concentration.
I just feel so... alone.
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