Best Friends Forever

I never really thought about the meaning of this phrase until today.  I drove 2 hours to see my high school best friend.  It was a kind of the spur of the moment idea I had a few days ago:  part nostalgia, part boredom, and part restlessness.

He and I became friends our freshman year of high school and roomed together our freshman year of college.  Since then our friendship has been somewhat on the back burner, but it's still been there even if we weren't tending to it.

My friend is gay.  He came out to me in that winter we roomed together.  I can honestly say I didn't have a problem with it.  He was my friend and because he was important to me I just accepted it as part of him.

I will admit there was a little bit of jealousy that he had found a way to move on in his life and I was still lost, but I still supported him none the less.

We talked about a lot after he came out.  I told him that I had sometimes questioned my sexuality.  We discussed things that happened in high school.  We discussed our experiences to that date.  Once we even sat and looked at some pictures of guys together (just looked, nothing more).

I knew that eventually I would want to go talk with him and tell him some of what was going on.  I had told him I started therapy a while back.  He has logged his own time in therapy for various reasons, so it seemed right to let him know I was starting down the same path.

Not long after I got in the door we were talking about a lot of heavy subject stuff (mainly concerning our respective issues and our therapy in general).  For two people who have not talked much in the last 10 years it may seem a little weird that we were able to get into the deep stuff so quickly, but honestly it was nothing.  We just instantly feel back into the trust and friendship that we had so long ago.

Part of my wanting to go see him was because I wanted to talk about this kind of stuff.  I also felt I needed to tell someone other then my therapist and the people who stumble on this blog about my issues with sexuality.  I knew because of his own coming out that he would have a little perspective on the issue.

It took me an hour or more to finally get the courage to talk about my questioning.  That of course fed into my relationship issue, issues with sex, and issues with self-esteem and self-image.  That part of the conversation lasted the rest of the day.

It was wonderful being able to open up to someone and hear what they thought.  I didn't really hold back from him, and I don't think he really held back from me either.

It is strange, but at the same time awesome that I have a friendship like this that has stood the test of time and remained so strong.  My time with my friend today taught me the meaning of the phrase Best Friend Forever.  He really is that to me.

Therapy

I told my brother last night that I was seeing a psychologist.  I'd been wanting to tell him, but it seemed like last night was the best time.  He was having a fight with his wife and I was figuring into it (basically I don't think she trusts/likes me, which is funny because she's the one who did something that shattered my trust in her, and she was upset with him because he was going to leave their twins in the car of me and my mom who just had outpatient surgery).

So he was standing his ground and she was saying that he needed to change.  He said he didn't want to be wrong.  Finally I just told him to give.  I did have a long talk with him about how I feel both of them are treating family and how I feel about how his wife is acting.

He made a comment about how irritable I had been and that being a concern of his if I should take care of the twins.  That's when I decided I needed to tell him I was seeing a therapist.

I talked with him a little about a few things I was trying to work on.  I completely left any talk about love, sex, and relationships out of it though.  As I've said before everything is pretty much hypothetical at this point, and I don't see any reason to possibly upset him since I still don't know myself.

I'm sure telling him about my attending therapy will be a positive step for our relationship.  I'm also hoping some of the things I said will sink in a little.  I know he seems to be reconsidering a decision he made for this weekend, so that at least makes me feel a little better.

Changing the Story

So this is just going to be a quick update. I decided that I really do want to do some writing (other then what I'm doing here). I've always wanted to tell my personal story as a semi-autobiographical fiction piece.

I don't know for certain who would want to read it, but since it's something I've always wanted to do and I'm trying to make a change in my life, it seems like I should give it a try.

I've set up a Tumblr page for this piece of fiction. I'm kind of doing it as a series of blog entries, but I plan to do some sequences set in high school as well as sequences set in the present day.

I've also set up a Facebook page (thank goodness you can do that without having to attach it to a real account), and a Twitter account.

I think this should be a fun diversion.  So now I'll have two outlets.  One for my serious thoughts and feelings (this place).  And one for my more creative interpretation of it all.

We'll see how long this lasts, but then I've been able to stick to a few things lately.  I've been exercising like crazy, and liking it.  I've been reading a lot more, and liking it.  I've been blogging here for longer then any other time I've tried to before, and liking it.   Who's to say I won't like this just as much?

Now if I can just find a nice local chorus or men's or mixed ensemble to sing with (other then a church one) and I'll be a fulfilled as I can be until I can figure out this whole dating/sex/attraction thing (not necessarily in that order).

My Night as A Pseudo Extrovert

So I just got back from my night out. The first night I've gone out relatively alone ever. I did meet up with a friend of my mom and step-father, but she's only a couple years older then me and is married to a member of the local band I was there to see, so that gives me instant cred that I was happy to have.

Anyway. It took a couple drinks to get me to open up a little. I think alcohol always helps introverts become more extroverted. BTW I'm a responsible drunk, so after 5 martini's I cut myself off and drank water for two+ hours.

Anyway I was sitting there and two girls came up and asked to sat at my table (I was the only one there at the time). One was OK. The other was blonde and smoking. I think I've alluded to the fact that I can appreciate both the male and female figure. I'm not saying that I'm definitely bi, but I can tell when a girl is at least ascetically pleasing (just for the record there was a guy behind them that was equally pleasing to look at).

So I get to talking with the smoking hot one. Not much. Just want do you do. Relating what she did to what a family member of mine did. I was actually a little proud of my skills in the situation, but I admit it was the 4 vodka martini's doing a lot of the talking.

So the band is on a break and starts crowding around our table. The wife of the band member starts talking to her husband and saying that she had some friends who were supposed to show up, but didn't have room for them anymore and stuff like that. The girls apologized, got up and left.

I now know what it's like to be totally cock blocked. I'm not saying that I had any chance in a million years with either of these girls even though they were noticeably intoxicated.

The reasoning is first that they were too far out of my league. I know I not that hot. The second is because even if they were drunk enough that I was looking good there isn't enough drinks in the world that can get me to start thinking that it's a good idea to take advantage of that.

I'm a responsible drunk and I know that takes into account not doing something stupid like having a one night stand with a drunk person (not that I fault anyone for doing that I just know that I CANNOT be that person).

What's worse is that the band member's wife's friends show up and like barely were there. They sat for a song then half of them let for another bar. Another went and sat at the table next to us and finally the last one left because her other friends had gone. That's just not right.

But still I take a little solace in the fact that they asked to sit with me. Yes there was no one else at the table at the time, but that still says something doesn't it. Maybe with beer goggles I'm at least half way OK?

I don't know. All I know is I'm kind sobered up from the night and for once I'm actually a little happy with myself. I did have a good time. I think I can make this work. I may even be able to do it with a little less alcohol next time.

I think it was a good night, don't you?