Drought

Can I just say.  I'm incredibly annoyed with shows that make it seem like a single person going month's without sex is an incredibly terrible thing, and that to go a few years without it is just unheard of and so shocking.  I can't imaging what they'd say about someone who's in their 30's an hasn't done it yet.

I know I'm not the only person out there who is this way.  I know there are others.  I've found posts from them on various forums, but in reality no one knows anyone in this situation because no one in this situation talks about it.  I know I'm not spouting it to my friends... well I spouted it to one friend, but I've basically already told you about that.

So I had my appointment with my therapist today.  I don't think it went well.  I just couldn't bring myself to talk about a few things.  I don't really know why.  Maybe it was because it was just so personal and I'm not comfortable exposing myself that much.  Maybe it's because I didn't want to cry.  I know I felt it under the surface a couple times.

She asked me a question about me thinking I was gay.  It was weird.  There was a part of me that for some reason didn't like hearing her say that.  I don't know why.

She gave me a new task to try to do, and I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it.  I'm supposed to try to make small talk with people I come across.  The cashier in the checkout line for instance.

To me it just seems weird.  Plus part of me doesn't see what good it's going to do.  I mean I'm forced to interact with this person anyway.  I'm going to try to make it happen though.

She said something else that struck me as funny when you take a look at the name of the blog.  She said that I had a kind of teenager mentality when it came to interacting with other people.

Here's the basic thing that goes on in my head (and yes I realize it's a bit crazy).  I'm not that great of a person.  That person who I would like to talk with is a much better person then me.  If they are willing to lower themselves to my level they'll come to talk with me.  I don't want to become a burden to them, so I won't talk with them.

It's weird I know, but that is honestly were my head is a lot of the time.  I don't think I'm worth knowing unless you go out of your way to get to know me.

I just don't know how this whole thing is going to work out.

This is Not Me Backsliding

The title says what it says because I think the post is going to convey the opposite.

I'm just frustrated, I think.  Like I was telling my friend this weekend (and I'm sure I've mentioned it here) I'm  upset with myself that it's taken me so much time to tiptoe out into the world of dating (gay or straight).  It's making me impatient.

Nothing is moving fast enough for me.  Not my therapy.  Not my own understanding of what I really want and desire.  Not my feeble attempts on online dating sites.

I exchanged exactly 2 messages with the guy I spoke about earlier.  His last message was, short, cryptic, and didn't really continue or start any type of a conversation (and the message before that was the one where he said my initial message pissed him off).  You can tell from my posts I'm not really a quiet person when I've got a computer keyboard between me and the other person, so having conversations a sentence at a time was annoying.  So I just wrote it off as him not being interested, because from that short exchange I knew that I sure wasn't.

So tonight I messaged someone else.  I thought it was kind of cute.  He lived in the same town my friend does too (which I thought was kind of cool).  I kept it pretty simple, but at the same time tried to make it longer then just a sentence.  I kind of wrote it as "if you respond great, if not OK" kind of thing.  Of course that's the way I'd want it to be, but in reality I was sitting on pins and needles waiting for a response.

I saw that he checked my profile, but he didn't respond back.  I couldn't blame him because I'm not sure I'd respond back to me.

I just don't like having to figure all this out.  I don't like the lost feeling I have when I try to write a message.  And I know I'm going to have the same feelings (or worse) should anything move to an actual face to face meeting.  I don't have the experience of other people my age who've been dating for 10 or 15 years.

I just have this feeling that I lost before I even started trying.  I missed my opportunity to find someone.

Maybe it's just that the online thing isn't for me, but then I have no idea how to do the old fashioned way at my age.  I'm thinking about asking my friend to take me to a gay bar/hangout over labor day weekend, but he's in a college town so there will probably be a lot of younger guys there just looking to hookup (and some of them may even get drunk enough to consider me).  I'm not really looking to just hook up.  One thing I do know is that doesn't really appeal to me (I'm not completely ruling out the possibility it could happen, but it's not high up on my list of things I want to do).

I also don't know of anyone I can really ask to fix me up.  I have a limited pool of friends to draw from, and I'm not wanting to discuss what's going on in my head with them right now.  Plus many of them are looking on their own, so I don't see that working out well.

There's a part of me that just wants to cry over it all.  I told myself a while ago not to get my hopes up, and never to expect to fall in love, and here I am almost 8 years later doing just that.  Back then I didn't think it would ever be possible, but now I think it may be, and I kick myself for writing it off.  It would have been easier to enter the dating world at 26 (although I would have been about 100+ lbs. heavier) then it is to try to  do it at 33.

OK.  So I let it out.  Yeah it's a broken record of some of the stuff I've written before (insecurities don't just vanish overnight).  I do feel better just getting things off my mind sometimes though, and that's one of the reasons I started doing this.

Pride

So as I reported in my last post that I went and saw my old high school friend.  I talked with him about my questioning and other topics.  I've been reflecting a little bit over the past day and a half and have started to realize that I feel better about things.

I've read a couple blogs from people who have come out.  It's not always pretty.  But there have been many I've read that talked about people who came out first to people they knew would be accepting (extremely close and understanding friends, friends that already identified as gay, bi, or questioning).

When I read these posts I seemed to hear the same reaction.  A sense of relief.  A sense of calm.  A sense that everything was not as out of control as it originally seemed.

I feel a little of that today.  I feel lighter.  Like I'm not as unhappy as I was before.  Like I can make it through life.  Like maybe I will be able to have a relationship (romantic, sexual, whatever).  At the same time though I think I'm starting to realize something.

I have never had a problem with anyone being gay.  My only problem growing up was how people would perceive me if I didn't appear to share their views on homosexuality.  I got roomed with someone at camp that said they were gay/questioning.  When some of the people from my school found out about this person I asked to be moved because of how they reacted.  I feel bad about that now (partly because it was a bad thing to do and partly because there could have been some experimentation--though I highly doubt it--that I would have been fine with).

Later in life when I felt more secure in not acting like I was homophobic (having a gay best friend made it easier to feel that way).  I didn't stop it when others did it, but I was no longer a willing participant (though I will admit to cracking a gay joke or two on occasion, but they never came from a place of hate).

What I don't get though is why I feel like I may have a problem if I were gay.  If I don't have a problem with someone else being gay why is it so wrong that I may be?

My friend kind of touched on this subject.  He mentioned how being gay means accepting the consequences of that.  Things like not being able to have kids that are as much a part of you as they are your partner.

I think this is a little of what is scaring me.  I think I may be gay and there is a part of me that just doesn't want to accept the consequences and wants to hold on to the notion that I can be straight and "normal."  Honestly "normal" is the wrong word.  A better world would be "traditional."

Part of me wants to try a relationship out with a girl, have vaginal intercourse, try out a traditional life, but there is another part of me that is convinced that it will not be the life for me.

I had another fantasy this morning.  I imagined being in bed with a guy.  It wasn't a particular guy.  It was a cliched setting.  He was over to fix something for me and somehow we wound up in bet together.  There were parts that were just about the cuddling and intimacy, and there were a few flashes of acts of caring, loving sex.  I have had a similar fantasy with a girl, but the sex part is normally omitted.

After having this fantasy though I thought for the first time that I may be able to have sex with someone I'd recently met.  I can see the possibility that I'd connect with someone enough to feel comfortable doing it with them.  I think I may even be able to have sex just for the sake of having sex (although I'm not entirely convinced of that.  I know that I'm really looking for a relationship).  I realize though that having sex so early isn't a foundation for a good, lasting relationship.

It's a little weird to me to be able to think along those lines.

So I guess what this boils down to is no matter what my sexuality is I need to find a way to accept who I am and take pride in that.  I need to find a way to embrace my sexuality.