New Day, New Outlook

Ok.  Wednesday this week I hit a very low point.  I got very depressed.  I was texting my friend constantly throughout the day and bless his heart he was responding and trying to be supportive.  I was nearly crying at my desk and unable to get much work done, and when I got home I called my brother and cried on the phone to him.

It was a very bad day for me.

It all stemmed from such a good thing too.  I lost weight.  A lot of weight.  Obviously I had body image issues when I weighed 400 lbs.  Now that I'm in the 240 range I feel better about myself, but I have all new body issues because of things like excess skin and fat that just doesn't want to seem to go away.

I think Saturday/Sunday's meltdown after going to the club alone was playing it's part too.

But by Wednesday night I was feeling a little better.  Talking with my friend, my brother, and a friend of my brother's who is gay and came out in his 30's as well really helped.  Then I did something that I don't normally do.  I jumped on Grindr.  I started chatting up a guy.  He had a pretty good looking pic.  He was a dud conversation wise though (I blame him not me).

I then decided that I needed some pics to send to guys on Grindr, so I took a few pictures that I hope no one in my family sees if you understand my meaning (ok they were cock and upper chest/head pics).

By the next day I was feeling so much better about myself.  I wore my tight jeans, my totally awesome red shoes, and my favorite brown tie dye Levi's shirt.  I was looking and feeling good and it showed.

That night I did something I'd been too afraid to do before.  I went to Wal-Mart and bought lube and condoms. :)  I'd always been afraid to do that.  My thinking was that I can't see myself having sex, so why should anyone else.  I was imaging people saying things like, "as if he could get laid." and "who the hell would want to sleep with that." and "you're dreaming buddy."

But I did it.

Then I got home and to celebrate my accomplishment of going to the club alone and buying the things I wouldn't normally buy I got online and bought the shoes I've been wanting.  Then I bought some sexy underwear too.  Then I jumped on ManRoulette and stumbled on a guy who was just fine looking at me with the lights on (also a first) and talked me to a very happy place. :)

I feel so much better about myself today then I have in a long time.  I realized something too:

If I'm with a guy and the shirt's coming off then it's either because we've been going out for a while and care about each other enough to be taking that step, or it's just sex and we should really be past caring what the other person looks like fully naked.

If for some crazy reason he has a problem then FUCK HIM.  He's a looser and a terrible person anyway.

As long as I can project the confidence I really do have in the way I dress, my hair, and my totally cute face then I'll attract the guys.  I may even be better able to find the courage to go after them.  Besides once we get talking I know my kindness, goodness, and lovable qualities will shine through.

I also realized something else.  I needed that stumble.  I needed that fall.  I can't pick myself back up, and rise up stronger if I'm not in a place to be picked up from.

It's like an eagle flying.  Sometimes you have to dive really low to soar really far.  The dive is scary and you think it's the end, but at the last moment you pull out spread your wings and soar father and faster then you ever could before.

On a side note I came out to my friend at work.  The girl that got me really questioning things again.  She had suspected.  I told her how that night made me feel and she laughed because she said in 6th grade she dated a guy and right after they broke up he came out.  Then later she dated another guy and after they broke up he came out.  She just attracts those guys I guess.  She's super excited to have someone to go shopping with. :)