So I got up the courage to message the guy I mentioned a few posts ago. It was a simple message. Non-committal. I even mentioned I was a little new to the game and that if he wanted to run for the hills I wouldn't blame him. We'll see what happens.
Honestly I'm not sure if this was a good idea or a bad idea. I probably should have brought it up with my therapist today, but I just don't think we're quite ready to start delving into the murky waters that is my sexuality on the second session.
I would have been more hesitant if the guy was right around the corner, but he's over 100 miles away, so it's easier for me to just start up an e-mail relationship with him. By the time we get to discussing meeting in person I'll probably have a chance to ask my therapist if it's a good idea to be doing that at this stage.
I've dwelt for so many years on just what my sexuality is. The more and more I think about it the more and more I lean toward some kind of strange combination of homosexual leaning bisexual demisexual homoromatic leaning biromatic. Basically I'm 75% certain I'm gay, but I still question if I could have a heterosexual relationship. I'm fairly certain I'm highly romantic leaning and will most likely not feel comfortable engaging in sex until I'm in an established relationship. Honestly though I wonder if I throw the bi in there just to make me feel that there's hope of having a traditional life.
As I said before I believe I can see having a romantic relationship with a woman, but something about the idea of sex with a woman just doesn't feel right to me.
It's very hard to express urges and emotions that in theory I will feel. Until I actually try to pursue them I don't think I'm never going to know exactly what feels right.
One thing I do know is I get all mushy at every Degrassi, Glee, As the World Turn, etc., gay relationship I ever see. More mushy then I get at any straight relationship I catch (though those can still get to me).
I'm not going to pretend for a minute though that I have solved an issue that has been dogging me for 15+ years in a matter of days though. That's just plain crazy. I only know that if I don't start to try (and at the same time try to prepare myself for the ups and downs it's going to bring) I'll always be questioning and I'll never know the answer.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Arousal
Ok. This post is going to be rated around PG-13 to R. Just giving you a heads up (but you should have guessed that from the title). Don't say you haven't been warned.
I was driving today and my mind started to wonder a little bit. I started to think about the guy I mentioned a couple posts back, and if we somehow started a relationship, and if we somehow ended up at my house kissing and making out and maybe heading toward something more, and BAM it was getting aroused by the thoughts.
It made me wonder... would I feel the same way if I had been daydreaming about a girl? I tried to shift my focus, but I couldn't really think of a girl to put in his place. When I did think of one it of course didn't work because I was aware of what I was trying to do. Trying to force something like that just doesn't work.
This kind of throws a monkey wrench into the thought of being asexual though doesn't it? I mean if I can be aroused just thinking like this doesn't it mean that I am somehow sexually attracted? Or is it the romanticism of the moment that was getting me aroused? It's all just confusing to me.
I know that having a sex drive doesn't mean that you're not asexual. And I know I still question if I can feel sexual attraction to anyone. I know that when I think about having a relationship with someone I think more about waking up next in each other's arms each morning, sitting on the couch together and talking or watching TV, being there for each other each day. I don't place an importance on sex. I believe it will play a part in the relationship,but for me if everything else is going great I think I could care less about the sex.
The more and more I think about it I think I may be homosexual or more possibly homoromatic. I could still be biromatic, but I'm beginning to doubt that I'm bisexual. Honestly the thought of being with another guy in bed seems less foreign to me than being with a girl.
There's a part of me though that thinks it would just be easier to go out and find some person drunk enough (and that's probably going to have to be pretty drunk) to have a one night stand with. Of course I know deep down I wouldn't like it at all because the idea of a one night stand is just repulsive to me. When I have sex I want it to be with someone I have a connection with. Someone who accepts me how I am.
Ugh, this is such a confusing situation to find myself in. Writing about it helps clear my head and ease my mind a little, but I don't know if it's getting me any closer to answers.
I was driving today and my mind started to wonder a little bit. I started to think about the guy I mentioned a couple posts back, and if we somehow started a relationship, and if we somehow ended up at my house kissing and making out and maybe heading toward something more, and BAM it was getting aroused by the thoughts.
It made me wonder... would I feel the same way if I had been daydreaming about a girl? I tried to shift my focus, but I couldn't really think of a girl to put in his place. When I did think of one it of course didn't work because I was aware of what I was trying to do. Trying to force something like that just doesn't work.
This kind of throws a monkey wrench into the thought of being asexual though doesn't it? I mean if I can be aroused just thinking like this doesn't it mean that I am somehow sexually attracted? Or is it the romanticism of the moment that was getting me aroused? It's all just confusing to me.
I know that having a sex drive doesn't mean that you're not asexual. And I know I still question if I can feel sexual attraction to anyone. I know that when I think about having a relationship with someone I think more about waking up next in each other's arms each morning, sitting on the couch together and talking or watching TV, being there for each other each day. I don't place an importance on sex. I believe it will play a part in the relationship,but for me if everything else is going great I think I could care less about the sex.
The more and more I think about it I think I may be homosexual or more possibly homoromatic. I could still be biromatic, but I'm beginning to doubt that I'm bisexual. Honestly the thought of being with another guy in bed seems less foreign to me than being with a girl.
There's a part of me though that thinks it would just be easier to go out and find some person drunk enough (and that's probably going to have to be pretty drunk) to have a one night stand with. Of course I know deep down I wouldn't like it at all because the idea of a one night stand is just repulsive to me. When I have sex I want it to be with someone I have a connection with. Someone who accepts me how I am.
Ugh, this is such a confusing situation to find myself in. Writing about it helps clear my head and ease my mind a little, but I don't know if it's getting me any closer to answers.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
First Session
Well I was mildly surprised. The thoughtful, considered me that wants to make a change in his life is the one that actually showed up to the appointment. That was after the nervous wreck who constantly considered skipping out on it did the car drive up there.
So it's started. I now have three scheduled appointments over the next month and a half (the first one this Friday since there was a sudden opening in the schedule.
My doctor also suggested a book for me to read (unrelated to my sexuality issues, but related to other issues). Unfortunately they couldn't remember the title and I couldn't remember the name of the author that was given. All I could remember was that it was on introversion and it made it to the New York Times Bestseller list. A quick Google search and I found myself at a book store (because as long as it takes me to read a book I'm better off just buying it so I have it to go back to and lend to others) purchasing "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking." I sat down and read the first 20 or so pages and it's really good.
I also went over to asexuality.org and made a post there. I realized after yesterday's post that if I was searching for someone to relate to I may find such a person there. A couple people have responded already.
I know this is going to be a long process, but I feel a bit more confident that I'm on a path toward my ultimate goals of knowing who I am, knowing how to approach others, and knowing how to love myself. Wish me luck.
(Slight editor's note. You may have noticed that my last two posts were so close to each other and gone ??? The reason is because I had written the first post the day prior intending to save it for when I felt like posting it. When I sat down last night and just started typing out that last post I realized it may seem weird if the two were not posted together. After all it was really the first post that lead me to the second. Not that anyone cares, but I just feel the need to explain why.)
So it's started. I now have three scheduled appointments over the next month and a half (the first one this Friday since there was a sudden opening in the schedule.
My doctor also suggested a book for me to read (unrelated to my sexuality issues, but related to other issues). Unfortunately they couldn't remember the title and I couldn't remember the name of the author that was given. All I could remember was that it was on introversion and it made it to the New York Times Bestseller list. A quick Google search and I found myself at a book store (because as long as it takes me to read a book I'm better off just buying it so I have it to go back to and lend to others) purchasing "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking." I sat down and read the first 20 or so pages and it's really good.
I also went over to asexuality.org and made a post there. I realized after yesterday's post that if I was searching for someone to relate to I may find such a person there. A couple people have responded already.
I know this is going to be a long process, but I feel a bit more confident that I'm on a path toward my ultimate goals of knowing who I am, knowing how to approach others, and knowing how to love myself. Wish me luck.
(Slight editor's note. You may have noticed that my last two posts were so close to each other and gone ??? The reason is because I had written the first post the day prior intending to save it for when I felt like posting it. When I sat down last night and just started typing out that last post I realized it may seem weird if the two were not posted together. After all it was really the first post that lead me to the second. Not that anyone cares, but I just feel the need to explain why.)
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
It's Not That I Don't Want to Have Sex...
I just don't see it as being a driving factor in a relationship. Maybe I don't really have that much of a sex drive. I know, I know I said in my very first post that I have a sex drive, and there are times when I feel like I'd like to experience it, but I don't have the need to go grab someone, throw them in a bed, and do bad things to them.
In all honesty the thought of sex before a relationship just doesn't seem to do anything for me. Maybe years of watching internet porn has desensitized me to meaningless sex. I just cannot imagine meeting someone, barely getting to know them, then taking them somewhere and going at each other.
I said before I had a sex drive based on the frequency of... well I'm sure you can guess. But just thinking about bringing another person who's physically there into the mix brings up some feelings of fear and anxiety. There may be some excitement mixed in there too, but honestly I can't tell.
Part of me is scared because it's something I've never done before. I'm afraid that I'm going to do something wrong, that they won't enjoy it, that I won't enjoy it. I'm concerned that I won't want to do it as early in the relationship as they want to. I'm also afraid of them expecting me to make the first move as I have no idea what that would be, and I don't know how to tell if they're making the move.
The whole process is just so foreign to me. You see those cheesy family shows that give advice like, "when the time is right you'll know." I just can't believe it's like that though. If I can't tell who I'm attracted to then what are the chances of me being able to tell when the time is right? Maybe the label I'm looking for really is asexual after all (not that I need a label to define me).
I keep thinking that maybe my first kiss will give me some insight into all this, but even such a simple thing as that carries some of the same concerns I have about sex.
Kissing, sex, and other physical interaction are all parts of a relationship and everything just seem so foreign to me right now. It makes me sad, and nervous, and panicked, and angry. How can I sit here at my age and be so concerned about this stuff?
God this is so freaking me out. It's not something I can really talk to my friends about. I mean who wants to admit to their friends they're this much of a looser. It's not only that, but I don't feel like I really have the types of friendships anymore where I could discuss stuff like this. There is one friend from my past that I have started to reconnect with a little, but I don't even know if I want to burden him with this.
I don't know if I can tell my therapist either. It's just so personal, and embarrassing, and pathetic at the same time that it's much easier to just let it all out here anonymously. Even if I did feel like I had someone to talk to I know they can't really relate. I don't know anyone who's like me. After all if they were like me they wouldn't be advertising it either.
How many 30 year old never been kissed, never dated, virgins are there in the world and what are the chances a large number of them are right here with me. East coast... I'm sure there's a few, West coast... possibly, Alaska... definitely, but here smack in the middle... I just don't see a large concentration.
I just feel so... alone.
In all honesty the thought of sex before a relationship just doesn't seem to do anything for me. Maybe years of watching internet porn has desensitized me to meaningless sex. I just cannot imagine meeting someone, barely getting to know them, then taking them somewhere and going at each other.
I said before I had a sex drive based on the frequency of... well I'm sure you can guess. But just thinking about bringing another person who's physically there into the mix brings up some feelings of fear and anxiety. There may be some excitement mixed in there too, but honestly I can't tell.
Part of me is scared because it's something I've never done before. I'm afraid that I'm going to do something wrong, that they won't enjoy it, that I won't enjoy it. I'm concerned that I won't want to do it as early in the relationship as they want to. I'm also afraid of them expecting me to make the first move as I have no idea what that would be, and I don't know how to tell if they're making the move.
The whole process is just so foreign to me. You see those cheesy family shows that give advice like, "when the time is right you'll know." I just can't believe it's like that though. If I can't tell who I'm attracted to then what are the chances of me being able to tell when the time is right? Maybe the label I'm looking for really is asexual after all (not that I need a label to define me).
I keep thinking that maybe my first kiss will give me some insight into all this, but even such a simple thing as that carries some of the same concerns I have about sex.
Kissing, sex, and other physical interaction are all parts of a relationship and everything just seem so foreign to me right now. It makes me sad, and nervous, and panicked, and angry. How can I sit here at my age and be so concerned about this stuff?
God this is so freaking me out. It's not something I can really talk to my friends about. I mean who wants to admit to their friends they're this much of a looser. It's not only that, but I don't feel like I really have the types of friendships anymore where I could discuss stuff like this. There is one friend from my past that I have started to reconnect with a little, but I don't even know if I want to burden him with this.
I don't know if I can tell my therapist either. It's just so personal, and embarrassing, and pathetic at the same time that it's much easier to just let it all out here anonymously. Even if I did feel like I had someone to talk to I know they can't really relate. I don't know anyone who's like me. After all if they were like me they wouldn't be advertising it either.
How many 30 year old never been kissed, never dated, virgins are there in the world and what are the chances a large number of them are right here with me. East coast... I'm sure there's a few, West coast... possibly, Alaska... definitely, but here smack in the middle... I just don't see a large concentration.
I just feel so... alone.
Are All Gay Guys Horn-Dogs?
Seriously. Lately I've been checking out some blogs from guys struggling with their sexuality. I just stumbled across them while doing an internet search a while back. I was really interested in them because I thought they may be able to give me some insight into who I am. Secrets of an All American is the one that got me thinking about doing my own secret blog to chronicle my quest for self discovery.
His blog was interesting and he had links to a lot of other ones. I followed a couple of those links and started reading. I was surprised. One blog just seemed to chronicle the conquests of one man. He did have a few deeply personal posts too though. Posts with more meaning then most of mine probably have.
But the point is I kept finding these posts on all these blogs about how they were jumping on Grindr, or chat room, or Craig's List, or something and hooking up with these seemingly random guys.
I'm I crazy for thinking there's a problem with that? Is something wrong with me that I don't want to just hook up with a random guy (or girl)? Am I stupid for feeling that there should be some sort of a relationship first before the sex?
Maybe it's because I'm 33 and still a virgin. I really never thought words like sex, love, companionship, relationship were ones I'd ever truly know the meaning of. Maybe that's why each one of them seems like a treasure that shouldn't be squandered.
I don't want to just go out and hook up. Yeah I really, really want to loose this V card, but I don't want to do it just for the sake of doing it. I want it to mean something for me.
Does that make me weird?
His blog was interesting and he had links to a lot of other ones. I followed a couple of those links and started reading. I was surprised. One blog just seemed to chronicle the conquests of one man. He did have a few deeply personal posts too though. Posts with more meaning then most of mine probably have.
But the point is I kept finding these posts on all these blogs about how they were jumping on Grindr, or chat room, or Craig's List, or something and hooking up with these seemingly random guys.
I'm I crazy for thinking there's a problem with that? Is something wrong with me that I don't want to just hook up with a random guy (or girl)? Am I stupid for feeling that there should be some sort of a relationship first before the sex?
Maybe it's because I'm 33 and still a virgin. I really never thought words like sex, love, companionship, relationship were ones I'd ever truly know the meaning of. Maybe that's why each one of them seems like a treasure that shouldn't be squandered.
I don't want to just go out and hook up. Yeah I really, really want to loose this V card, but I don't want to do it just for the sake of doing it. I want it to mean something for me.
Does that make me weird?
Monday, June 11, 2012
I'm hot (kinda)
So I apparently can't go a day without posting. :)
I was checking one of the dating websites I'm on and noticed that someone showed interest in me without viewing my profile (which means it's was from my pictures alone, and I had just posted a new one of me).
That kind of made me a little happy. I took a quick peek at his profile, and I thought he was kinda cute. Read his profile:
Smoker (strike)
Kinda curvy body (ok, but I could tell from his face he wasn't all that curvy... believe me I know)
Social Drinker (me too)
Couple years younger than me (that's good)
Christian (I like that)
In college (great)
Looking for a relationship (awesome, because I can't understand people who just hook up)
Likes dogs (bonus)
150 miles away (DANG)
But I went ahead and showed interest back, because at the very least I think it'd be cool to e-mail him. He checked out my profile, but hasn't done anything else. I'm seriously thinking of sending him a message though just to see. At this point I'd be OK with a pen-pal especially one I feel I can relate to on some level (some stuff he said in his profile kinda hit home for me).
The astonishing thing about this is that he really did show interest just from the pictures. Honestly I used to feel that I was kind of attractive from the neck up, until I was tipping the scales at 300 and 400 lbs. Now that I'm back in the mid (and hopefully soon low) 200's I'm back to feeling that way. It's good to be able to pick something about yourself that you like. It gives you something to focus on when you're feeling down on yourself.
So having some stranger that I too think is kinda attractive basically confirm that was a huge deal for me today.
I was checking one of the dating websites I'm on and noticed that someone showed interest in me without viewing my profile (which means it's was from my pictures alone, and I had just posted a new one of me).
That kind of made me a little happy. I took a quick peek at his profile, and I thought he was kinda cute. Read his profile:
Smoker (strike)
Kinda curvy body (ok, but I could tell from his face he wasn't all that curvy... believe me I know)
Social Drinker (me too)
Couple years younger than me (that's good)
Christian (I like that)
In college (great)
Looking for a relationship (awesome, because I can't understand people who just hook up)
Likes dogs (bonus)
150 miles away (DANG)
But I went ahead and showed interest back, because at the very least I think it'd be cool to e-mail him. He checked out my profile, but hasn't done anything else. I'm seriously thinking of sending him a message though just to see. At this point I'd be OK with a pen-pal especially one I feel I can relate to on some level (some stuff he said in his profile kinda hit home for me).
The astonishing thing about this is that he really did show interest just from the pictures. Honestly I used to feel that I was kind of attractive from the neck up, until I was tipping the scales at 300 and 400 lbs. Now that I'm back in the mid (and hopefully soon low) 200's I'm back to feeling that way. It's good to be able to pick something about yourself that you like. It gives you something to focus on when you're feeling down on yourself.
So having some stranger that I too think is kinda attractive basically confirm that was a huge deal for me today.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Getting First Appointment Jitters
Eventually I will go a day without posting I swear. Since the blog is getting zero hits I don't thinks that really matters though. :)
I'm starting to get a little nervous about my impending first session this week. I'm not quite sure why. I thought about telling my brother, mother, or a good friend at work about me starting therapy, but I just couldn't do it when I was with them. I'm not afraid of them asking me why--although I'd never give them the full reasons--and I don't think it's a bad thing that I'm going to start.
I just think some part of me wants to keep it private for now. I hope it's not because deep down I wander if it will help.
I'm terrible because I psycho-analyse myself. I've been doing it for a long, long time (probably about as long as I should have been in therapy).
I do know one thing for sure I don't think I'm going to tell the doctor how to find this blog right away. I may mention it to them as something I'm doing, but I'm not quite sure how much I'm going to feel comfortable laying out on the table this week.
I had told the doctor that referred me and the therapist that my reasons were to help finish up my weight loss, and that is true because I feel that my relationship (or lack of one), self view, questioning of my sexuality, social issues, and depression are all factors that are causing me to slip up in my attempt to complete my weight loss goals.
I'm beginning to worry that I'm going to be the scared puppy version of me. The person who just sits there and either doesn't say much or says what he thinks the other person wants to hear. I'm going to try to fight doing that though because there's no way I can get help if I don't let them in.
I'm starting to get a little nervous about my impending first session this week. I'm not quite sure why. I thought about telling my brother, mother, or a good friend at work about me starting therapy, but I just couldn't do it when I was with them. I'm not afraid of them asking me why--although I'd never give them the full reasons--and I don't think it's a bad thing that I'm going to start.
I just think some part of me wants to keep it private for now. I hope it's not because deep down I wander if it will help.
I'm terrible because I psycho-analyse myself. I've been doing it for a long, long time (probably about as long as I should have been in therapy).
I do know one thing for sure I don't think I'm going to tell the doctor how to find this blog right away. I may mention it to them as something I'm doing, but I'm not quite sure how much I'm going to feel comfortable laying out on the table this week.
I had told the doctor that referred me and the therapist that my reasons were to help finish up my weight loss, and that is true because I feel that my relationship (or lack of one), self view, questioning of my sexuality, social issues, and depression are all factors that are causing me to slip up in my attempt to complete my weight loss goals.
I'm beginning to worry that I'm going to be the scared puppy version of me. The person who just sits there and either doesn't say much or says what he thinks the other person wants to hear. I'm going to try to fight doing that though because there's no way I can get help if I don't let them in.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)