Coming Out to Me

I'm sure there was an earlier post or two that sounded like I'd already done this, but I don't think I ever truly have before.

I said earlier that my friend was in town and we had this huge long conversation.  I really forced myself to open up about stuff.  Forced may be the wrong word.  I wanted to open up, but I kept holding back all day. It wasn't until very late in the night that I really started to talk.

It's funny because one of the topics of conversation that day was when he came out to me.  He couldn't recall how it happened.  I know he did not intend to come out when he did.  He was very secretive and controlling of that information at the time (wow you think that would have been something that would have entered my mind).

Anyway he came out to me when we were roommates at college.  I remember the exact date (because I'm that kind of friend).  It was very late at night.  We sometimes had this thing where after the lights went out and we were both in bed we'd talk a little about all kinds of things.  This night he was talking to me about something he stumbled across online that disturbed him.  It was a piece of erotic fiction that involved a widely known religious figure from history in a homosexual relationship (I'd rather you infer what that means then me actually have to type it... I'm still a little religious remember). :)

I remember he said something that clicked with me and I asked him if he was trying to tell me something.  It was at that point he admitted he was gay.  I'm fairly certain I'm the first person he told from back home.  That was always something that meant a lot to me.  It kind of defined the relationship as a lifelong friendship.  I didn't need to really work through the question of accepting him.  He was my best friend.  It changed nothing about how I felt about him.

So it's only fitting that I basically returned the favor to him (wow does that ever sound dirty).  When we were having our discussion I opened up about fantasies I had in high school, the porn I watched, the shows that I watched and the relationships that meant the most to me in them (basically I have the viewing habits of a teenage girl because I love shows like Degrassi, and Ziley (Riley/Zane) was one of my favorite relationships (although I enjoyed the Marco/Ellie friendship almost as much, but part of that was because I really liked watching Stacey Farber and the guy that played Marco was extremely cute as he got older).

After telling my friend all this stuff it was easier to accept in myself that, yeah I'm gay.  Not 100% gay, but mostly gay.  The weird thing is I don't want the gay label though.  I don't want the bi label either.  I don't want any label.  I just want to be me.

An extremely wise person said that the hardest person, and in fact the first person, to come out to is yourself.  It's taken me nearly 15 years to do it, but I finally think I have.  I realize that I want what my friend has.  I want a relationship, and I kind of expect for that relationship to be with a guy.

This is definitely a turning point in my life.