I know I'm not the only person out there who is this way. I know there are others. I've found posts from them on various forums, but in reality no one knows anyone in this situation because no one in this situation talks about it. I know I'm not spouting it to my friends... well I spouted it to one friend, but I've basically already told you about that.
So I had my appointment with my therapist today. I don't think it went well. I just couldn't bring myself to talk about a few things. I don't really know why. Maybe it was because it was just so personal and I'm not comfortable exposing myself that much. Maybe it's because I didn't want to cry. I know I felt it under the surface a couple times.
She asked me a question about me thinking I was gay. It was weird. There was a part of me that for some reason didn't like hearing her say that. I don't know why.
She gave me a new task to try to do, and I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it. I'm supposed to try to make small talk with people I come across. The cashier in the checkout line for instance.
To me it just seems weird. Plus part of me doesn't see what good it's going to do. I mean I'm forced to interact with this person anyway. I'm going to try to make it happen though.
She said something else that struck me as funny when you take a look at the name of the blog. She said that I had a kind of teenager mentality when it came to interacting with other people.
Here's the basic thing that goes on in my head (and yes I realize it's a bit crazy). I'm not that great of a person. That person who I would like to talk with is a much better person then me. If they are willing to lower themselves to my level they'll come to talk with me. I don't want to become a burden to them, so I won't talk with them.
It's weird I know, but that is honestly were my head is a lot of the time. I don't think I'm worth knowing unless you go out of your way to get to know me.
I just don't know how this whole thing is going to work out.
hmmm...
ReplyDeleteIt's not for you to decide whether you are worth speaking to or not ;)
I know that sounds weird, but my mum said it to me and I've grown to realise its true.
In the real world you see people giving strong positive and negative opinions about celebrities they've never met, clothes they've never seen and dates they've never had.
People are judgmental. You as much as anyone else.
And we know it so well that we often try and guess/anticipate/valuate the perspective a third party will have of us.
All your judgements reflect is how YOU feel about yourself. And you judge other people against yourself.
I guess what I'm saying is, that the cashier exercise sounds like its designed to show you that people's opinions of you NEVER play into how they initially interact with you. Unless you are rude or negatively affect them.
In a nutshell; even if they think of you what you think of yourself (which I sincerely doubt) it will not stop people from interacting with you
Even if you were an ugly, evil, uninteresting, selfish, hateful little creature; saying 'hi, hows your day going' to a cashier is not going to result in them outwardly rejecting you! And although your common sense will tell you this - your deep down feelings don't know this to be fact.
Say Hi.
You'll be surprised how much positivity an unloaded, breezy conversation can bring you :)
Keep the beat up!
Sam In Real Life