It's Been a Long Week

So it's been a long week so far.  Monday I wasn't feeling too great (mainly tired and a little down), so I stayed home.  I got a call from my boss saying there was an issue that was delaying the release of our software and that I needed to log in an fix it.  I did.  And then I went into catastrophe mode.

It's funny because I had just read a couple passages a day or two ago in Quiet talking about what happens when introverts go into catastrophe mode, and I had thought to myself that I don't really do that.  When there is an issue I'm usually the level headed one who keeps everything calm.  I'm normally good in a crisis.  That is unless I caused it.

I cried for a good hour.  I called my brother and talked with him (well more like cried in his ear). I felt like I'd done so much wrong.  No only because of the mistake I made at work but because of the general shape my life has been in.  Everything just unraveled.  I was upset for the rest of the day.

The next morning I had urges to go talk with my manager.  I thought I was done for (which is really an overreaction).  I wanted to lay everything out.  But I didn't and I'm glad I didn't.  I was acutely aware of my demeanor though.  I hung my head.  I felt like I was constantly blushing.  I felt shame.  I had a typical introvert's reaction to stress.

Later in the day my boss came over for a one on one and as part of it talked with me about the issue.  I said what mistakes I made.  He acted like it wasn't that big of a deal.  That made me feel a little better.  But I still think its affected me because I still feel like crying.  Yesterday I just couldn't concentrate no matter how hard I tried.

I also am worried that my brother may have gotten onto my computer when I wasn't here and he was over taking care of our dogs.  I am usually good about closing down stuff like my blog, my support websites, my dating profile, my research, and my writing.  But for some reason I didn't.  My computer wasn't password protected (it is now though).

I just don't know.  I can't tell if he's acting weird toward me of I just think he's acting weird.  It's just adding to my stress.  I also called him tonight and found out that they were looking for a babysitter for my nieces tomorrow.  I said if they were in a pinch that I could do it and he said, "That's alright we'll figure something out."

How am I supposed to take that?  Does that mean they just don't want me around my own nieces?  Do they think I can't handle them?  Do they not trust me?  It's only adding to everything that's on my mind.

Arousal

Ok.  This post is going to be rated around PG-13 to R.  Just giving you a heads up (but you should have guessed that from the title).  Don't say you haven't been warned.

I was driving today and my mind started to wonder a little bit.  I started to think about the guy I mentioned a couple posts back, and if we somehow started a relationship, and if we somehow ended up at my house kissing and making out and maybe heading toward something more, and BAM it was getting aroused by the thoughts.

It made me wonder... would I feel the same way if I had been daydreaming about a girl?  I tried to shift my focus, but I couldn't really think of a girl to put in his place.  When I did think of one it of course didn't work because I was aware of what I was trying to do.  Trying to force something like that just doesn't work.

This kind of throws a monkey wrench into the thought of being asexual though doesn't it?  I mean if I can be aroused just thinking like this doesn't it mean that I am somehow sexually attracted?  Or is it the romanticism of the moment that was getting me aroused?  It's all just confusing to me.

I know that having a sex drive doesn't mean that you're not asexual.  And I know I still question if I can feel sexual attraction to anyone.  I know that when I think about having a relationship with someone I think more about waking up next in each other's arms each morning, sitting on the couch together and talking or watching TV, being there for each other each day.  I don't place an importance on sex.  I believe it will play a part in the relationship,but for me if everything else is going great I think I could care less about the sex.

The more and more I think about it I think I may be homosexual or more possibly homoromatic.  I could still be biromatic, but I'm beginning to doubt that I'm bisexual.  Honestly the thought of being with another guy in bed seems less foreign to me than being with a girl.

There's a part of me though that thinks it would just be easier to go out and find some person drunk enough (and that's probably going to have to be pretty drunk) to have a one night stand with.  Of course I know deep down I wouldn't like it at all because the idea of a one night stand is just repulsive to me.  When I have sex I want it to be with someone I have a connection with.  Someone who accepts me how I am.

Ugh, this is such a confusing situation to find myself in.  Writing about it helps clear my head and ease my mind a little, but I don't know if it's getting me any closer to answers.

It's Not That I Don't Want to Have Sex...

I just don't see it as being a driving factor in a relationship.  Maybe I don't really have that much of a sex drive.  I know, I know I said in my very first post that I have a sex drive, and there are times when I feel like I'd like to experience it, but I don't have the need to go grab someone, throw them in a bed, and do bad things to them.

In all honesty the thought of sex before a relationship just doesn't seem to do anything for me.  Maybe years of watching internet porn has desensitized me to meaningless sex.  I just cannot imagine meeting someone, barely getting to know them, then taking them somewhere and going at each other.

I said before I had a sex drive based on the frequency of... well I'm sure you can guess.  But just thinking about bringing another person who's physically there into the mix brings up some feelings of fear and anxiety. There may be some excitement mixed in there too, but honestly I can't tell.

Part of me is scared because it's something I've never done before.  I'm afraid that I'm going to do something wrong, that they won't enjoy it, that I won't enjoy it.  I'm concerned that I won't want to do it as early in the relationship as they want to.  I'm also afraid of them expecting me to make the first move as I have no idea what that would be, and I don't know how to tell if they're making the move.

The whole process is just so foreign to me.  You see those cheesy family shows that give advice like, "when the time is right you'll know."  I just can't believe it's like that though.  If I can't tell who I'm attracted to then what are the chances of me being able to tell when the time is right?  Maybe the label I'm looking for really is asexual after all (not that I need a label to define me).

I keep thinking that maybe my first kiss will give me some insight into all this, but even such a simple thing as that carries some of the same concerns I have about sex.

Kissing, sex, and other physical interaction are all parts of a relationship and everything just seem so foreign to me right now.  It makes me sad, and nervous, and panicked, and angry.  How can I sit here at my age and be so concerned about this stuff?

God this is so freaking me out.  It's not something I can really talk to my friends about.  I mean who wants to admit to their friends they're this much of a looser.  It's not only that, but I don't feel like I really have the types of friendships anymore where I could discuss stuff like this.  There is one friend from my past that I have started to reconnect with a little, but I don't even know if I want to burden him with this.

I don't know if I can tell my therapist either.  It's just so personal, and embarrassing, and pathetic at the same time that it's much easier to just let it all out here anonymously.  Even if I did feel like I had someone to talk to I know they can't really relate.  I don't know anyone who's like me.  After all if they were like me they wouldn't be advertising it either.

How many 30 year old never been kissed, never dated, virgins are there in the world and what are the chances a large number of them are right here with me.  East coast... I'm sure there's a few, West coast... possibly, Alaska... definitely, but here smack in the middle... I just don't see a large concentration.

I just feel so... alone.

Lacking Skillz

Probably one of the hardest things I'm going to have to overcome as I venture out into the dating world is my complete lack of experience.  I have no game of any kind.  Not many people in their 30's can say that.  I don't know how to talk to someone or how to show them that I'm interested.

I get extremely nervous in situations where I'm expected to be social, especially when it's with people I don't know.  I can handle most every day situations, and after 5 years at my job I no longer have a problem speaking up when I'm in a meeting with people I've known for a while, but add a couple new people into the mix and I clam up.

So it's understandable that I have no idea how to talk or act around someone who I'd like to date.  So many people take that development from their teens/early twenties for granted.  It's probably the biggest fear I have right now.

"Will they be able to tell I'm completely new to this?"

"Should I tell them my history up front?"

"How do I know that they're having a good time or are into me or are wanting to leave?"

"Do they like me?"

"How was I supposed to take that last thing they said?"

"What am I supposed to do?"

It just scares the crap out of me.  I'm so far behind the curve I feel like I'll never catch up, and I fear that I'll automatically be written off when I don't know what's going on and how I'm supposed to respond.

For instance.  I went out for a night with a good friend of mine.  Like I said in an earlier post I'm still questioning myself and still trying to see myself as someone that somebody would want.  I planned to go out with her as a friend and nothing more.  She'd just broken up with her husband.  My brother and his wife had just moved out of my place.  We were both alone and down and it seemed like a good way for both of us to cheer up a little.

She suggested the restaurant and paid for the meal, then we went to a bar to watch karaoke and I got the drinks.  While we were talking she was kinda looking at me.  At one point I smiled and asked her, "What."  Her response was that I was a smart guy and I should know.

My thought was, "I may be book smart, but I'm at a total loss here."  Obviously her comment clued me into what the look probably meant.

I spent the rest of the night sitting next to her and talking and singing along with the song.  I didn't try anything because frankly I didn't want to see her like that (she's just too good of a friend), and as I said I'm questioning if I even would see her like that.

The end of the night was rather awkward for me.  We kinda went outside, waved, and walked our separate ways.  She had a strange look on her face and I'm not sure if she wanted something more or what.

I was totally clueless and unable to tell anything.  I went over and over the night in my head that evening and the next day.  I do that sometimes when I feel like I've messed up around people.  I try to find my mistakes. I talk down how I acted.  It's like a small bout of depression and obsession that lasts for a few hours to a few days.  It's terrible.  I hate it.  For some reason I always do it tough.  Sometimes I even have bouts after meeting up with friends who I've known for years.

I just don't understand it, but I do know that it is one of the reasons I don't like to do new things that involve social interaction.

Case in point last night.  I sent that e-mail to the guy and waited on pins and needles to see if he'd view my profile and respond.  To my surprise he started a chat.  After just two exchanges each he left the chat.  I've been wondering all day what could have gone wrong with it?  Was he not really looking for a guy?  Was it something I had said or the way I said something in the exchange?  Should I send him another e-mail?  Should I try to chat with him again?  I don't know what's acceptable and what's not.

I'm really hoping when I see my therapist for the first time next week I'll have the courage to mention some of this stuff to her.  Of course I'm already a little anxious about meeting and talking to her and I'm wondering if she's going to see the quiet me, the over-talkative me, or the normal every day me.