Digits

I went out to the club last night and I'm so absurdly jazzed.

I was drinking and sitting at the bar.  At one point I got up to go to the restroom and ran into a guy who was asking if I remembered him.  He had waited on my mom, step father and I like 3 weeks ago. He could tell me my shirt, my phone (which we discussed that day), and remembered how many were in may party.

I'm going to specifically ask you this, Sam, have you ever remembered all that from someone you ran into three weeks prior?  Could I really have made that big of an impression?

I kinda tried some under the RADAR flirting with him that day.  He's not really my type, but I was positive he was in the family and I was being a little playful just to be playful.  I was trying to make sure my mom and step dad didn't pick up on it though.

That has solidified the fact that I need to tell my mom I'm gay.  I was already planning to do it this week, but that was another push.  I don't want to have to tiptop around things at one of the restaurants we got to together.

That wasn't the biggest news of the night though.  As I was getting ready to leave one of the staff members started to talk with me.

He asked if I was on Adam4Adam. "No"
He said it was because he thought I looked like a guy on there with the longer hair and all.
He asked if I was new.  "I'm recently out."
He asked how old.  "33."
He asked if I had been married.  "No"
He asked if I was going to be there tomorrow. "I think so."
We chatted a little bit more.  He did more of it telling me about how he first knew he was gay.  It was a kind of funny story.

The lights came up for last call.  He went over and came back with a napkin and handed it to me.  Told me to text him or Facebook friend him.  I was overjoyed.  It had is name and number on it.  It still smells of marker and is sitting right next to me as I type this.

I think he's kinda cute.  In my drunken state last night I described him as really cute.

So now I'm going to go shopping with my work friend (who I thankfully told yesterday I was gay). I need a new outfit similar, but different from what I wore last night, because I like that look.  I want it to go with my sexy red shoes though. :)

I did leave the club shaking and crying a little last night, but it was because something truly amazing happened that I just never in a million years expected to happen that night.

I went online and got a couple things I found and wanted and a reward to myself.  I'm going to have to stop doing that kind of rewarding though because I'm beginning to become a bit of a shopaholic. :)

Damn.  I'm actually doing this.  I'm actually stepping out into the dating world.  I may be reading too much into the name and number thing.  This guy has a lot of Facebook friends (I know I stalked him), but if he's even just a new friend that works there and can help me get to know some people that's great.

Like I said yesterday.  I'm a kind, good and lovable person.  I know he'll see that and it can only mean good things for me.

New Day, New Outlook

Ok.  Wednesday this week I hit a very low point.  I got very depressed.  I was texting my friend constantly throughout the day and bless his heart he was responding and trying to be supportive.  I was nearly crying at my desk and unable to get much work done, and when I got home I called my brother and cried on the phone to him.

It was a very bad day for me.

It all stemmed from such a good thing too.  I lost weight.  A lot of weight.  Obviously I had body image issues when I weighed 400 lbs.  Now that I'm in the 240 range I feel better about myself, but I have all new body issues because of things like excess skin and fat that just doesn't want to seem to go away.

I think Saturday/Sunday's meltdown after going to the club alone was playing it's part too.

But by Wednesday night I was feeling a little better.  Talking with my friend, my brother, and a friend of my brother's who is gay and came out in his 30's as well really helped.  Then I did something that I don't normally do.  I jumped on Grindr.  I started chatting up a guy.  He had a pretty good looking pic.  He was a dud conversation wise though (I blame him not me).

I then decided that I needed some pics to send to guys on Grindr, so I took a few pictures that I hope no one in my family sees if you understand my meaning (ok they were cock and upper chest/head pics).

By the next day I was feeling so much better about myself.  I wore my tight jeans, my totally awesome red shoes, and my favorite brown tie dye Levi's shirt.  I was looking and feeling good and it showed.

That night I did something I'd been too afraid to do before.  I went to Wal-Mart and bought lube and condoms. :)  I'd always been afraid to do that.  My thinking was that I can't see myself having sex, so why should anyone else.  I was imaging people saying things like, "as if he could get laid." and "who the hell would want to sleep with that." and "you're dreaming buddy."

But I did it.

Then I got home and to celebrate my accomplishment of going to the club alone and buying the things I wouldn't normally buy I got online and bought the shoes I've been wanting.  Then I bought some sexy underwear too.  Then I jumped on ManRoulette and stumbled on a guy who was just fine looking at me with the lights on (also a first) and talked me to a very happy place. :)

I feel so much better about myself today then I have in a long time.  I realized something too:

If I'm with a guy and the shirt's coming off then it's either because we've been going out for a while and care about each other enough to be taking that step, or it's just sex and we should really be past caring what the other person looks like fully naked.

If for some crazy reason he has a problem then FUCK HIM.  He's a looser and a terrible person anyway.

As long as I can project the confidence I really do have in the way I dress, my hair, and my totally cute face then I'll attract the guys.  I may even be better able to find the courage to go after them.  Besides once we get talking I know my kindness, goodness, and lovable qualities will shine through.

I also realized something else.  I needed that stumble.  I needed that fall.  I can't pick myself back up, and rise up stronger if I'm not in a place to be picked up from.

It's like an eagle flying.  Sometimes you have to dive really low to soar really far.  The dive is scary and you think it's the end, but at the last moment you pull out spread your wings and soar father and faster then you ever could before.

On a side note I came out to my friend at work.  The girl that got me really questioning things again.  She had suspected.  I told her how that night made me feel and she laughed because she said in 6th grade she dated a guy and right after they broke up he came out.  Then later she dated another guy and after they broke up he came out.  She just attracts those guys I guess.  She's super excited to have someone to go shopping with. :)

August is Off To a Great Start

So I'm kind of jazzed.  Tomorrow is the first therapist appointment after coming out to my brother and his wife.  I've made a lot of progress since my last appointment and I hope to discuss it with my therapist and see what she thinks.  Am I moving too fast?  Does she think I'm doing well, or am I delusional?

It's amazing how much has changed in such a short time.  I was texting my friend, and I realize that all my thinking about not wanting sex and not being a sexual person was a bunch of bull.  I was repressing.  I'm not saying that there is no such thing as an asexual.  I do believe that exists, but I don't believe that's me any longer.  I really, REALLY want sex.  It's just I want it with another guy. :)

I still don't plan on becoming one of those blogger horn dogs I talked about a while ago, but I do plan on trying to find a partner or two (maybe at the same time). :D

I broke down and installed Grindr on my phone.  One of the things that was holding me back was my brother being able to get into and look at my phone.  I didn't want him to find out about me by stumbling onto those apps.  I freaked out once when he was looking at my new phone because I have my Plenty of Fish and Match.com apps on there and they're set to men.  Now that he knows I don't really care if he sees them.

So I've even gotten a couple people to message me on Grindr.  That's amazing to me.  I'm not really that hot (at least I don't think).  I'm not going to use it to hook up.  If I'm going to hook up with someone it's going to be because we met out in the real world, got to know each other a little, and decided to throw some caution to the wind.  Not because of a booty call.

But the biggest thing for me today was getting two guys to message me on Plenty of Fish.  The first was the guy I talked about a while back who I exchanged just a couple messages with and never heard back from.  He messaged me again.  I was at work.  He had to go to work, but I said I wanted to message him again, so we'll see how that goes.

The second guy was someone who I messaged a couple days ago.  I'd be fine if this one just becomes a friend because he's into cars (me not so much, but I can appreciate), computers, and video games.  He is kinda cute in a dorky sort of way too which appeals to me.

So who knows by the end of August I may get to have my first kiss, or date, or maybe even get laid (though I highly doubt it).  All I know for certain is that I'm much happier with myself now.  Much calmer in my skin. I think just coming to this realization once and for all about myself has been what I've needed all along.

Perspective

So I've been given a different perspective. I haven't been doing all that great with my assignment from the therapist, but the successes I've had with it have given me a little perspective that I think was the entire point of it exercise.

I need to experience confidence. I need to choose to be confident. Confident in who I am. Confident in what I've accomplished.  Confident in what I hope to still accomplish.

I experienced a perfect moment of confidence on Saturday. I had a great conversation with someone when I went to weigh in at the Weight Watchers center. We discussed both of our histories a little and she told me a little about her husband who was just beginning to start down the path of weight loss.

After that conversation I was filled with confidence. I can talk to people, and I do have interesting things to say to them.

My friend that I visited a couple weeks ago is in town visiting family this week. He came over yesterday and we had a long conversation about stuff. Basically it was a continuation of the stuff we were discussing last time we talked.  Stuff about him and stuff about me.

It took me a while, but was able to open up to him about a lot of things I've never really told anyone before. Some of my fears when it comes to having a relationship (both sexual and non-sexual). My private moments (i.e. the types of adult films I've watched, the fantasies I had when I was a teenager, the crushes I had).

It was tough at first to get some of it out, but after I did it felt good to have voiced out loud some of the things I was worried about, see how someone else reacted to it, and recognize and accept things in myself because of that.

I'm not sure if that quite makes since. Basically I feel a bit more at ease and calm. I'm not ready to shout certain things from the rooftop yet, but I don't feel as fearful of doing it.

I actually feel more ready to date (which is amazing). I'm a little excited to try to do it. It's going to be a task to find someone to do it with, and I'm going to want to start it more like a new friendship at first and ease into it.

And I think I've decided that I do feel like I would be more comfortable with another guy in the end. I'm not completely writing off the idea of ending up with a girl, but I feel more confident about having a relationship with a guy.

Now we'll see how well I'm able to articulate this to my therapist on Friday. :)

Best Friends Forever

I never really thought about the meaning of this phrase until today.  I drove 2 hours to see my high school best friend.  It was a kind of the spur of the moment idea I had a few days ago:  part nostalgia, part boredom, and part restlessness.

He and I became friends our freshman year of high school and roomed together our freshman year of college.  Since then our friendship has been somewhat on the back burner, but it's still been there even if we weren't tending to it.

My friend is gay.  He came out to me in that winter we roomed together.  I can honestly say I didn't have a problem with it.  He was my friend and because he was important to me I just accepted it as part of him.

I will admit there was a little bit of jealousy that he had found a way to move on in his life and I was still lost, but I still supported him none the less.

We talked about a lot after he came out.  I told him that I had sometimes questioned my sexuality.  We discussed things that happened in high school.  We discussed our experiences to that date.  Once we even sat and looked at some pictures of guys together (just looked, nothing more).

I knew that eventually I would want to go talk with him and tell him some of what was going on.  I had told him I started therapy a while back.  He has logged his own time in therapy for various reasons, so it seemed right to let him know I was starting down the same path.

Not long after I got in the door we were talking about a lot of heavy subject stuff (mainly concerning our respective issues and our therapy in general).  For two people who have not talked much in the last 10 years it may seem a little weird that we were able to get into the deep stuff so quickly, but honestly it was nothing.  We just instantly feel back into the trust and friendship that we had so long ago.

Part of my wanting to go see him was because I wanted to talk about this kind of stuff.  I also felt I needed to tell someone other then my therapist and the people who stumble on this blog about my issues with sexuality.  I knew because of his own coming out that he would have a little perspective on the issue.

It took me an hour or more to finally get the courage to talk about my questioning.  That of course fed into my relationship issue, issues with sex, and issues with self-esteem and self-image.  That part of the conversation lasted the rest of the day.

It was wonderful being able to open up to someone and hear what they thought.  I didn't really hold back from him, and I don't think he really held back from me either.

It is strange, but at the same time awesome that I have a friendship like this that has stood the test of time and remained so strong.  My time with my friend today taught me the meaning of the phrase Best Friend Forever.  He really is that to me.

My Night as A Pseudo Extrovert

So I just got back from my night out. The first night I've gone out relatively alone ever. I did meet up with a friend of my mom and step-father, but she's only a couple years older then me and is married to a member of the local band I was there to see, so that gives me instant cred that I was happy to have.

Anyway. It took a couple drinks to get me to open up a little. I think alcohol always helps introverts become more extroverted. BTW I'm a responsible drunk, so after 5 martini's I cut myself off and drank water for two+ hours.

Anyway I was sitting there and two girls came up and asked to sat at my table (I was the only one there at the time). One was OK. The other was blonde and smoking. I think I've alluded to the fact that I can appreciate both the male and female figure. I'm not saying that I'm definitely bi, but I can tell when a girl is at least ascetically pleasing (just for the record there was a guy behind them that was equally pleasing to look at).

So I get to talking with the smoking hot one. Not much. Just want do you do. Relating what she did to what a family member of mine did. I was actually a little proud of my skills in the situation, but I admit it was the 4 vodka martini's doing a lot of the talking.

So the band is on a break and starts crowding around our table. The wife of the band member starts talking to her husband and saying that she had some friends who were supposed to show up, but didn't have room for them anymore and stuff like that. The girls apologized, got up and left.

I now know what it's like to be totally cock blocked. I'm not saying that I had any chance in a million years with either of these girls even though they were noticeably intoxicated.

The reasoning is first that they were too far out of my league. I know I not that hot. The second is because even if they were drunk enough that I was looking good there isn't enough drinks in the world that can get me to start thinking that it's a good idea to take advantage of that.

I'm a responsible drunk and I know that takes into account not doing something stupid like having a one night stand with a drunk person (not that I fault anyone for doing that I just know that I CANNOT be that person).

What's worse is that the band member's wife's friends show up and like barely were there. They sat for a song then half of them let for another bar. Another went and sat at the table next to us and finally the last one left because her other friends had gone. That's just not right.

But still I take a little solace in the fact that they asked to sit with me. Yes there was no one else at the table at the time, but that still says something doesn't it. Maybe with beer goggles I'm at least half way OK?

I don't know. All I know is I'm kind sobered up from the night and for once I'm actually a little happy with myself. I did have a good time. I think I can make this work. I may even be able to do it with a little less alcohol next time.

I think it was a good night, don't you?

Free Trait Agreement

Ok.  So I think I just made a fool out of myself with a post on Facebook (not a tremendous one, just a little one), but I don't really care for once in my life.  I'm not going to worry about it.  I'm just going to enjoy the reason why I made the post.

Last night I went out with my mother and step-father (I know not necessarily the best looking thing to do.  It really does just scream virgin at 30).  The reason I went with them is because a local cover band was playing at a bar that I'd never been to downtown.  They're big fans and friends with the band, and I've grown to like the band as well which is the reason I decided to go with them.

I'd had a few drinks before there, a few more drinks there, and then several cigars since it was a cigar bar and that is the only thing I will ever smoke (I know given the nature of this blog there are so many choice statements that could be made about that last sentence.  I'm actually giggling a little inside just writing it).

I actually had a good time.  I really enjoyed myself for once.

It got me thinking about another passage in Quiet that I'd read before.  Cain was talking about making a Free Trait Agreement with yourself.  The idea is that if you're an introvert there are times you need to act like an extrovert.  You have to make an agreement with yourself that you'll act this way for one instance, but that means as a "reward" you'll get something you want in return.

Let's say you're single.  You dislike the bar scene, but you crave intimancy, and you want to be in a long-term relationship in which you can share cozy evenings and long conversations with your partner and a small circle of friends.  In order to achieve this goal, you make an agreement with yourself that you will push yourself to go to scoial events, because only in this way can you hope to meet a make and reduce the number of gatherings you attend over the long term.  But while you pursue this goal you will attend only as many events as you can comfortably stand.

Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a Word that Can't Stop Talking (New York: Crown Publishers, 2012), 221.

It's another one of those things I knew, but didn't know, and it works for more then just personality.  I'm not saying that I'm going to be bar hoping looking for my soul mate.  What I really think I need right now is to become more comfortable being a person, out there in the real world, without having to have a safety net of family and friends to fall back on.

I need to be able to find and meet new friends.  I need to be able to develop more relationships then I have now.  I mean as far as close friends go I have a group of six guys I get together with every other weekend to play games with.  Some of them overlap with my Thursday night pool game.  And at work I have one really close friend and a couple others who I talk to but don't do much with.

It's been this way for YEARS.  It's fine.  I've enjoyed it.  I cherish those few friendships.  But it's not making me change or grow.  I'm just kinda standing still.  And if I'm standing still how will I ever get to where I want to be?

Ok.  So this blog isn't turning out to be quite what I thought it was going to be when I started it.  I thought it was going to be a way primarily for me with relative anonymity to explore my sexuality and the fears I had of putting a toe out in the dating world.  It's really more about exploring who I am as a person.  The whole me, not just one part.

So here's what I'm thinking.  At least once every other month (or maybe even once a month).  I MUST go out somewhere.  I can bring friends with me or I can go it alone.  It has to be a place I wouldn't normally go.  It can't just be a restaurant.  It has to be a place where I may be expected to mingle and talk with new people (most likely a bar of some sort).  That's my free trait agreement with myself.  If I can do this then I think my reward will be the fuller life that I always dreamed of having.

The Journey

Ok. So yesterday's post was kinda dark. The weird thing is I've been having this thing happen where I become concerned with something and then amazingly I find a passage in the book I'm reading (actually the book I've finished) that speaks to it.

Today I was on the bike at the YMCA doing my usual reading with iPod blaring and came across this passage:

We all write our life stories as if we were novelists... with beginnings, conflicts, turning points, and endings. And the way we characterize our past setbacks profoundly influences how satisfied we are with our current lives. Unhappy people tend to see setbacks as contaminants that ruined an otherwise good thing, while generative adults see them as blessings in disguise. Those who live the most fully realized lives... tend to find meaning in the obstacles.

Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a Word that Can't Stop Talking (New York: Crown Publishers, 2012), 263.

It kinda speaks to what I was doing in yesterday's post. Viewing my past setbacks as a contaminant instead of a blessing. In a way though that sounds like a cheesy "Every cloud has a silver lining" kind of statement. The problem is finding the silver lining in this cloud.

What I also found funny about this and other things I've read in the book is that these are things I seemed to intrinsically (big word) know, but I had to read them before my brain said, "pay attention stupid, and do this."

It's hard to change how you think about things, especially when you've thought a certain way about them for a long, long time. I'm hoping that I can though.

So maybe the journey of finding the new me isn't as scary today as I thought it was yesterday. Maybe I need to look at it as an adventure that not a lot of people are lucky enough to embark on. And my reward at the end of it won't be some prize or parade, but the satisfaction of knowing and loving myself, who I am, more then I ever have.

Edit:  I should also give credit where credit is due and say that Sam's comment on yesterday's post also helped lighten my morning a little so that the passage above could really sink in.

He Responded

I mentioned back in this post that this guy had shown interest in me without viewing my profile on a dating site.  And in this post I mentioned messaging him.  I actually have a followup to that, and it's about what I expected.

Like I said right after I sent the message I had second thoughts.  I kinda zeroed in on something from his profile that I actually related to.  He mentioned being a bigger guy (but he still looked pretty good, damn why did I also say something like that) and being judged by people, and I basically was trying to say that I identified with that.

My second thoughts kicked in after sending the message because I thought maybe it wouldn't come across as the understanding statement I meant it to.  Apparently I was right because in his response he said that at first the message did tick him off, but after rereading it he realized there was no reason to be.  He then went on to apologize for having not responded for so long.

I was happy he acknowledge the message.  I was also happy he took the time to reread my original message.  I wrote a quick reply back soon after he sent his message saying something to the effect of being astonished that I still can manage to put my foot in my mouth through e-mail.

I'm hoping he doesn't take the quickness of the reply as being weird.  See these are just a few of the worries that are always circling around in my head during social situations.  I can't even escape them online... it's annoying.  Stupid introverted personality. :-P

So basically it's another waiting game.  On the plus side I'm heading for a whole 10 and a half days off starting tomorrow.  It's going to be great.  I'm just planning to be around here and with family, but I may try to meet up with a friend or two to do something.  We'll see.

I know one thing though I'm going to keep up the gym days I've been doing lately.  It's been pretty steadily 2-3 days for an hour each day and one day off for the past two weeks.  I'm actually starting to look forward to it.  Maybe I'll hit my goal weight by Christmas.

First Session

Well I was mildly surprised.  The thoughtful, considered me that wants to make a change in his life is the one that actually showed up to the appointment.  That was after the nervous wreck who constantly considered skipping out on it did the car drive up there.

So it's started.  I now have three scheduled appointments over the next month and a half (the first one this Friday since there was a sudden opening in the schedule.

My doctor also suggested a book for me to read (unrelated to my sexuality issues, but related to other issues).  Unfortunately they couldn't remember the title and I couldn't remember the name of the author that was given.  All I could remember was that it was on introversion and it made it to the New York Times Bestseller list.  A quick Google search and I found myself at a book store (because as long as it takes me to read a book I'm better off just buying it so I have it to go back to and lend to others) purchasing "Quiet:  The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking."  I sat down and read the first 20 or so pages and it's really good.

I also went over to asexuality.org and made a post there.  I realized after yesterday's post that if I was searching for someone to relate to I may find such a person there.  A couple people have responded already.

I know this is going to be a long process, but I feel a bit more confident that I'm on a path toward my ultimate goals of knowing who I am, knowing how to approach others, and knowing how to love myself.  Wish me luck.

(Slight editor's note.  You may have noticed that my last two posts were so close to each other and gone ???  The reason is because I had written the first post the day prior intending to save it for when I felt like posting it.  When I sat down last night and just started typing out that last post I realized it may seem weird if the two were not posted together.  After all it was really the first post that lead me to the second.  Not that anyone cares, but I just feel the need to explain why.)

I'm hot (kinda)

So I apparently can't go a day without posting. :)

I was checking one of the dating websites I'm on and noticed that someone showed interest in me without viewing my profile (which means it's was from my pictures alone, and I had just posted a new one of me).

That kind of made me a little happy.  I took a quick peek at his profile, and I thought he was kinda cute.  Read his profile:
Smoker (strike)
Kinda curvy body (ok, but I could tell from his face he wasn't all that curvy... believe me I know)
Social Drinker (me too)
Couple years younger than me (that's good)
Christian (I like that)
In college (great)
Looking for a relationship (awesome, because I can't understand people who just hook up)
Likes dogs (bonus)
150 miles away (DANG)

But I went ahead and showed interest back, because at the very least I think it'd be cool to e-mail him.  He checked out my profile, but hasn't done anything else.  I'm seriously thinking of sending him a message though just to see.  At this point I'd be OK with a pen-pal especially one I feel I can relate to on some level (some stuff he said in his profile kinda hit home for me).

The astonishing thing about this is that he really did show interest just from the pictures.  Honestly I used to feel that I was kind of attractive from the neck up, until I was tipping the scales at 300 and 400 lbs.  Now that I'm back in the mid (and hopefully soon low) 200's I'm back to feeling that way.  It's good to be able to pick something about yourself that you like.  It gives you something to focus on when you're feeling down on yourself.

So having some stranger that I too think is kinda attractive basically confirm that was a huge deal for me today.