Drought

Can I just say.  I'm incredibly annoyed with shows that make it seem like a single person going month's without sex is an incredibly terrible thing, and that to go a few years without it is just unheard of and so shocking.  I can't imaging what they'd say about someone who's in their 30's an hasn't done it yet.

I know I'm not the only person out there who is this way.  I know there are others.  I've found posts from them on various forums, but in reality no one knows anyone in this situation because no one in this situation talks about it.  I know I'm not spouting it to my friends... well I spouted it to one friend, but I've basically already told you about that.

So I had my appointment with my therapist today.  I don't think it went well.  I just couldn't bring myself to talk about a few things.  I don't really know why.  Maybe it was because it was just so personal and I'm not comfortable exposing myself that much.  Maybe it's because I didn't want to cry.  I know I felt it under the surface a couple times.

She asked me a question about me thinking I was gay.  It was weird.  There was a part of me that for some reason didn't like hearing her say that.  I don't know why.

She gave me a new task to try to do, and I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it.  I'm supposed to try to make small talk with people I come across.  The cashier in the checkout line for instance.

To me it just seems weird.  Plus part of me doesn't see what good it's going to do.  I mean I'm forced to interact with this person anyway.  I'm going to try to make it happen though.

She said something else that struck me as funny when you take a look at the name of the blog.  She said that I had a kind of teenager mentality when it came to interacting with other people.

Here's the basic thing that goes on in my head (and yes I realize it's a bit crazy).  I'm not that great of a person.  That person who I would like to talk with is a much better person then me.  If they are willing to lower themselves to my level they'll come to talk with me.  I don't want to become a burden to them, so I won't talk with them.

It's weird I know, but that is honestly were my head is a lot of the time.  I don't think I'm worth knowing unless you go out of your way to get to know me.

I just don't know how this whole thing is going to work out.

Allow Me To Vent for a Moment

I just got back from my normal Thursday night of league pool with friends.  It's really the only night I go out each week.  We were talking and somehow the topic turned to how old we all were (one of my friends guessed my age and was only a year under to which he replied, "and I was lowballing it").  At 33 (almost 34) I'm the youngest of the group.

At the very end of the night the jukebox started playing songs from their high school/middle school days, and I was relating how I was only 5 in the early 80's when some of these songs came out.

I say I want to vent because since there was talk about high school there was also talk about young love relationships and going to prom.  Not much mind you, only a small little bit.  But that small bit just kinda got to me.

One of the guys on my team is married.  The girl has been married and is currently dating.  The other guy I don't really know that well (we don't talk much... it's that weird he's their friend and I'm their friend, but we're not really friends kind of thing), but I assume he has dated/is dating.

My point is that if the discussion had gotten going more with other people contributing I would have had nothing. I didn't have a high school romance.  I didn't have a college romance.  I haven't had an adult romance (of course I basically said all this in my first post).  I will never have those sorts nostalgic memories to add to the conversation.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not saying that I'm never going to have a romance.  I still have hope that something will happen someday, but I can never go back and change the past.  I'm never going to have the memory of being a teenager in love.  I'm never going to know what it was like kick my roommate out of my dorm room (but I do know what it's like to be the one kicked out).

It just makes me... sad.  I know you'll probably say that I can make lovely memories from this point forward.  That may be true (although right now I still have times where I find it difficult to believe anyone could fall for me), but it's not going to be the same.

Of course just thinking about the possibility of having a relationship leads me down the path of anxiety and asking, "what if."  What if I do find someone who's crazy enough to go out on a date with me?  What will it be like?  How should I act?  What if I withdraw so much because of my introversion and shyness and have nothing to say or come across as cold and uninterested?  Should I tell them that it's my first date?  How can I tell what their body language is telling me, because I know I'm completely clueless there.

Then what happens if we try to kiss?  Can I be a good kisser having never done it before?  How can I tell if I should initiate the kiss?  What happens if things get serious?

And it's thinking like that (and a much poorer self image) that put me in this situation to begin with.  Ugh.  I can't believe that such a simple, off the cuff comment could cause me so much turmoil.  I was having a good night too, but for some reason this just started eating at me.

I know, I know, I'm most likely making a much larger deal out of this then it should be.  I really think that at my next appointment I need to get the courage to bring some of this up.  We touched on it during my initial appointment.  To which the therapist said, "you're still young."  But over the last two weeks it's just been weighing on me more and more.

There are some days where it would have been easier if I had just stayed my 400 lbs. self.  I knew how to be that person.  I was miserable, but I knew better who I was when I was him.  I'm not saying I want to go back.  It's just... right now I'm lost.

Arousal

Ok.  This post is going to be rated around PG-13 to R.  Just giving you a heads up (but you should have guessed that from the title).  Don't say you haven't been warned.

I was driving today and my mind started to wonder a little bit.  I started to think about the guy I mentioned a couple posts back, and if we somehow started a relationship, and if we somehow ended up at my house kissing and making out and maybe heading toward something more, and BAM it was getting aroused by the thoughts.

It made me wonder... would I feel the same way if I had been daydreaming about a girl?  I tried to shift my focus, but I couldn't really think of a girl to put in his place.  When I did think of one it of course didn't work because I was aware of what I was trying to do.  Trying to force something like that just doesn't work.

This kind of throws a monkey wrench into the thought of being asexual though doesn't it?  I mean if I can be aroused just thinking like this doesn't it mean that I am somehow sexually attracted?  Or is it the romanticism of the moment that was getting me aroused?  It's all just confusing to me.

I know that having a sex drive doesn't mean that you're not asexual.  And I know I still question if I can feel sexual attraction to anyone.  I know that when I think about having a relationship with someone I think more about waking up next in each other's arms each morning, sitting on the couch together and talking or watching TV, being there for each other each day.  I don't place an importance on sex.  I believe it will play a part in the relationship,but for me if everything else is going great I think I could care less about the sex.

The more and more I think about it I think I may be homosexual or more possibly homoromatic.  I could still be biromatic, but I'm beginning to doubt that I'm bisexual.  Honestly the thought of being with another guy in bed seems less foreign to me than being with a girl.

There's a part of me though that thinks it would just be easier to go out and find some person drunk enough (and that's probably going to have to be pretty drunk) to have a one night stand with.  Of course I know deep down I wouldn't like it at all because the idea of a one night stand is just repulsive to me.  When I have sex I want it to be with someone I have a connection with.  Someone who accepts me how I am.

Ugh, this is such a confusing situation to find myself in.  Writing about it helps clear my head and ease my mind a little, but I don't know if it's getting me any closer to answers.

It's Not That I Don't Want to Have Sex...

I just don't see it as being a driving factor in a relationship.  Maybe I don't really have that much of a sex drive.  I know, I know I said in my very first post that I have a sex drive, and there are times when I feel like I'd like to experience it, but I don't have the need to go grab someone, throw them in a bed, and do bad things to them.

In all honesty the thought of sex before a relationship just doesn't seem to do anything for me.  Maybe years of watching internet porn has desensitized me to meaningless sex.  I just cannot imagine meeting someone, barely getting to know them, then taking them somewhere and going at each other.

I said before I had a sex drive based on the frequency of... well I'm sure you can guess.  But just thinking about bringing another person who's physically there into the mix brings up some feelings of fear and anxiety. There may be some excitement mixed in there too, but honestly I can't tell.

Part of me is scared because it's something I've never done before.  I'm afraid that I'm going to do something wrong, that they won't enjoy it, that I won't enjoy it.  I'm concerned that I won't want to do it as early in the relationship as they want to.  I'm also afraid of them expecting me to make the first move as I have no idea what that would be, and I don't know how to tell if they're making the move.

The whole process is just so foreign to me.  You see those cheesy family shows that give advice like, "when the time is right you'll know."  I just can't believe it's like that though.  If I can't tell who I'm attracted to then what are the chances of me being able to tell when the time is right?  Maybe the label I'm looking for really is asexual after all (not that I need a label to define me).

I keep thinking that maybe my first kiss will give me some insight into all this, but even such a simple thing as that carries some of the same concerns I have about sex.

Kissing, sex, and other physical interaction are all parts of a relationship and everything just seem so foreign to me right now.  It makes me sad, and nervous, and panicked, and angry.  How can I sit here at my age and be so concerned about this stuff?

God this is so freaking me out.  It's not something I can really talk to my friends about.  I mean who wants to admit to their friends they're this much of a looser.  It's not only that, but I don't feel like I really have the types of friendships anymore where I could discuss stuff like this.  There is one friend from my past that I have started to reconnect with a little, but I don't even know if I want to burden him with this.

I don't know if I can tell my therapist either.  It's just so personal, and embarrassing, and pathetic at the same time that it's much easier to just let it all out here anonymously.  Even if I did feel like I had someone to talk to I know they can't really relate.  I don't know anyone who's like me.  After all if they were like me they wouldn't be advertising it either.

How many 30 year old never been kissed, never dated, virgins are there in the world and what are the chances a large number of them are right here with me.  East coast... I'm sure there's a few, West coast... possibly, Alaska... definitely, but here smack in the middle... I just don't see a large concentration.

I just feel so... alone.

Are All Gay Guys Horn-Dogs?

Seriously.  Lately I've been checking out some blogs from guys struggling with their sexuality.  I just stumbled across them while doing an internet search a while back.  I was really interested in them because I thought they may be able to give me some insight into who I am.  Secrets of an All American is the one that got me thinking about doing my own secret blog to chronicle my quest for self discovery.

His blog was interesting and he had links to a lot of other ones.  I followed a couple of those links and started reading.  I was surprised.  One blog just seemed to chronicle the conquests of one man.  He did have a few deeply personal posts too though.  Posts with more meaning then most of mine probably have.

But the point is I kept finding these posts on all these blogs about how they were jumping on Grindr, or chat room, or Craig's List, or something and hooking up with these seemingly random guys.

I'm I crazy for thinking there's a problem with that?  Is something wrong with me that I don't want to just hook up with a random guy (or girl)?  Am I stupid for feeling that there should be some sort of a relationship first before the sex?

Maybe it's because I'm 33 and still a virgin.  I really never thought words like sex, love, companionship, relationship were ones I'd ever truly know the meaning of.  Maybe that's why each one of them seems like a treasure that shouldn't be squandered.

I don't want to just go out and hook up.  Yeah I really, really want to loose this V card, but I don't want to do it just for the sake of doing it.  I want it to mean something for me.

Does that make me weird?

Who Am I?

So for my first post I think I'll talk about how I got myself into this mess.  I'm now about to turn 34.  I'm a guy. I'm a virgin.  Seriously.  I'm such a virgin that I've never been kissed or even gone out on a date.  I thought of the movie "The 40 Year Old Virgin" as me in a few years.  I'm also just now questioning who I am and what I want.  So sufficed to say I'm an extremely late bloomer.  Which is the reason at times I feel like a teenager stuck in a 30 year old body.  I feel like some of the questions I'm asking myself should have been answered 15 years ago.

First off one of the few questions I do know the answer to is gender identity.  I know and feel that I am male, so at least there is one thing I can be sure of.

My main question that I need the answer to is my sexuality.  I just can't figure it out.  A few days ago I was convinced that I am gay.  I decided to start to explore that aspect.  I put up a personal add on a few dating sites searching for men, but as I started to weed through the "matches" I began to question if I was truly attracted to any of them.  I would look at one and say, "He's really cute," and the next and say, "He's a definite no," and then come across one I thought just looked normal and say, "He's ok, but not great."  I don't think I ever felt an "attraction" to any of them though.

I've been able to do the same things to women in the past.  I can recognize a beautiful women.  I know one when I see one, but I'm not sure if I've ever felt an "attraction" to them either.

I don't think I'm asexual.  I've always heard the definition of an asexual as someone who isn't really able to have sexual attraction and therefore doesn't really have a sex drive.  I have a sex drive.  I express it in solitude quite often and I have a need to have sex of some sort.  I fixate on sex with a man, but now I'm really beginning to wonder if that is truly how I feel.  I know some straight people fantasize about gay sex even though they are straight.  I can picture sex with a woman, but it's not my common thought.  When I search for porn it's almost exclusively gay porn, but I'll admit I'm not sure I really enjoy it (though I do find it simulating enough).

Maybe it's the prospect of meeting someone that's freaking me out.  I mean I could find someone online tomorrow who's interested in me and I in him and we could go on a date.  So then don't I owe it to him to be 100% sure?  He'll probably be about my age and has most likely known about himself for some time.  Isn't it wrong if I lead him on only to realize, "Sorry, I like girls."

Maybe it's my Catholic upbringing that's getting in the way.  I mean gay sex is a sin.  In my head I accept that fact.  I also realize though that I want love in my life.  If I am gay and it isn't fair to a woman to be in a relationship with a man who can't love her, and it isn't fair to me to be in a relationship that isn't emotionally fulfilling.  I know in my heart I'd pursue a relationship that I can be complete in, and I would accept the eternal consequences of that (of course I may not say that in the future).  I'd also hope that I could ask God to forgive me though and realize that all I wanted to do was to find that one person he created for me to love.  I honestly don't think I have a moral issue with being gay.  I have no issue with other people being gay.

So what is it then?  What am I? Who am I?  I'm planning to start therapy soon and I'm hoping that maybe that will help shed some light for me.