New Day, New Outlook

Ok.  Wednesday this week I hit a very low point.  I got very depressed.  I was texting my friend constantly throughout the day and bless his heart he was responding and trying to be supportive.  I was nearly crying at my desk and unable to get much work done, and when I got home I called my brother and cried on the phone to him.

It was a very bad day for me.

It all stemmed from such a good thing too.  I lost weight.  A lot of weight.  Obviously I had body image issues when I weighed 400 lbs.  Now that I'm in the 240 range I feel better about myself, but I have all new body issues because of things like excess skin and fat that just doesn't want to seem to go away.

I think Saturday/Sunday's meltdown after going to the club alone was playing it's part too.

But by Wednesday night I was feeling a little better.  Talking with my friend, my brother, and a friend of my brother's who is gay and came out in his 30's as well really helped.  Then I did something that I don't normally do.  I jumped on Grindr.  I started chatting up a guy.  He had a pretty good looking pic.  He was a dud conversation wise though (I blame him not me).

I then decided that I needed some pics to send to guys on Grindr, so I took a few pictures that I hope no one in my family sees if you understand my meaning (ok they were cock and upper chest/head pics).

By the next day I was feeling so much better about myself.  I wore my tight jeans, my totally awesome red shoes, and my favorite brown tie dye Levi's shirt.  I was looking and feeling good and it showed.

That night I did something I'd been too afraid to do before.  I went to Wal-Mart and bought lube and condoms. :)  I'd always been afraid to do that.  My thinking was that I can't see myself having sex, so why should anyone else.  I was imaging people saying things like, "as if he could get laid." and "who the hell would want to sleep with that." and "you're dreaming buddy."

But I did it.

Then I got home and to celebrate my accomplishment of going to the club alone and buying the things I wouldn't normally buy I got online and bought the shoes I've been wanting.  Then I bought some sexy underwear too.  Then I jumped on ManRoulette and stumbled on a guy who was just fine looking at me with the lights on (also a first) and talked me to a very happy place. :)

I feel so much better about myself today then I have in a long time.  I realized something too:

If I'm with a guy and the shirt's coming off then it's either because we've been going out for a while and care about each other enough to be taking that step, or it's just sex and we should really be past caring what the other person looks like fully naked.

If for some crazy reason he has a problem then FUCK HIM.  He's a looser and a terrible person anyway.

As long as I can project the confidence I really do have in the way I dress, my hair, and my totally cute face then I'll attract the guys.  I may even be better able to find the courage to go after them.  Besides once we get talking I know my kindness, goodness, and lovable qualities will shine through.

I also realized something else.  I needed that stumble.  I needed that fall.  I can't pick myself back up, and rise up stronger if I'm not in a place to be picked up from.

It's like an eagle flying.  Sometimes you have to dive really low to soar really far.  The dive is scary and you think it's the end, but at the last moment you pull out spread your wings and soar father and faster then you ever could before.

On a side note I came out to my friend at work.  The girl that got me really questioning things again.  She had suspected.  I told her how that night made me feel and she laughed because she said in 6th grade she dated a guy and right after they broke up he came out.  Then later she dated another guy and after they broke up he came out.  She just attracts those guys I guess.  She's super excited to have someone to go shopping with. :)

Dating Rules

Ok.  Now that I've settled on who I'm going to date I think I need to sent some ground rules (there may be an item or two here that will give myself away to the reader who knows me personally, but I seriously doubt anyone I know has stumbled onto this blog.

1.  Must have intelligence.  That doesn't mean an education necessarily.  It means that they need to not act stupid.  There are many people who have intelligence, but never cultivated that with school.  You can learn about someone's intelligence just by talking to them, so this should be fairly simple to apply.

2.  Should range in age from just older than my kid brother to a few years older than me.  This should put their age at around 26/27 to 36/37.  It's not that big of a deal, but I don't like the idea of someone several years older than me.  I also don't like the idea of seriously dating someone younger than my bother, though I may be willing to do other things with them.

3.  They cannot be named Kyle.  :)  I'm kind of firm on this one.  My bother's name is Kyle.  He has a friend named Kyle (who has also become a friend of mine).  His wife has a friend Kyle and her husband Kyle (who I have also gotten to know).  We have a cousin who married a Kyle.  At work there is a Kyle.  The soon to be ex-husband of my best friend at work is named Kyle.  And the friend I've been telling you about has just introduced me to an old boyfriend of his that's named Kyle (which is annoying because we share some interests, but the idea was that he can be a more local gay friend to get to know).

I once went out to the movies with about half of these Kyles.  It was nice because I could call on every one else by just saying one name, but can you imaging what it would be like to have a boyfriend with the name name as my bother?  Now a boyfriend with my name would be just plain cool.

4.  No sex.  Well not no sex, but we both have to be ready for it, and I know that I'll probably be the holdout.  I want a relationship based on something other than physical pleasure.  The more I think about it the more I won't preclude the possibility of a one night stand, but I don't think you can base a real relationship on something like that.

I'm sure there will be other rules to add to the list, but these four will govern me for now.