My Night as A Pseudo Extrovert

So I just got back from my night out. The first night I've gone out relatively alone ever. I did meet up with a friend of my mom and step-father, but she's only a couple years older then me and is married to a member of the local band I was there to see, so that gives me instant cred that I was happy to have.

Anyway. It took a couple drinks to get me to open up a little. I think alcohol always helps introverts become more extroverted. BTW I'm a responsible drunk, so after 5 martini's I cut myself off and drank water for two+ hours.

Anyway I was sitting there and two girls came up and asked to sat at my table (I was the only one there at the time). One was OK. The other was blonde and smoking. I think I've alluded to the fact that I can appreciate both the male and female figure. I'm not saying that I'm definitely bi, but I can tell when a girl is at least ascetically pleasing (just for the record there was a guy behind them that was equally pleasing to look at).

So I get to talking with the smoking hot one. Not much. Just want do you do. Relating what she did to what a family member of mine did. I was actually a little proud of my skills in the situation, but I admit it was the 4 vodka martini's doing a lot of the talking.

So the band is on a break and starts crowding around our table. The wife of the band member starts talking to her husband and saying that she had some friends who were supposed to show up, but didn't have room for them anymore and stuff like that. The girls apologized, got up and left.

I now know what it's like to be totally cock blocked. I'm not saying that I had any chance in a million years with either of these girls even though they were noticeably intoxicated.

The reasoning is first that they were too far out of my league. I know I not that hot. The second is because even if they were drunk enough that I was looking good there isn't enough drinks in the world that can get me to start thinking that it's a good idea to take advantage of that.

I'm a responsible drunk and I know that takes into account not doing something stupid like having a one night stand with a drunk person (not that I fault anyone for doing that I just know that I CANNOT be that person).

What's worse is that the band member's wife's friends show up and like barely were there. They sat for a song then half of them let for another bar. Another went and sat at the table next to us and finally the last one left because her other friends had gone. That's just not right.

But still I take a little solace in the fact that they asked to sit with me. Yes there was no one else at the table at the time, but that still says something doesn't it. Maybe with beer goggles I'm at least half way OK?

I don't know. All I know is I'm kind sobered up from the night and for once I'm actually a little happy with myself. I did have a good time. I think I can make this work. I may even be able to do it with a little less alcohol next time.

I think it was a good night, don't you?

Free Trait Agreement

Ok.  So I think I just made a fool out of myself with a post on Facebook (not a tremendous one, just a little one), but I don't really care for once in my life.  I'm not going to worry about it.  I'm just going to enjoy the reason why I made the post.

Last night I went out with my mother and step-father (I know not necessarily the best looking thing to do.  It really does just scream virgin at 30).  The reason I went with them is because a local cover band was playing at a bar that I'd never been to downtown.  They're big fans and friends with the band, and I've grown to like the band as well which is the reason I decided to go with them.

I'd had a few drinks before there, a few more drinks there, and then several cigars since it was a cigar bar and that is the only thing I will ever smoke (I know given the nature of this blog there are so many choice statements that could be made about that last sentence.  I'm actually giggling a little inside just writing it).

I actually had a good time.  I really enjoyed myself for once.

It got me thinking about another passage in Quiet that I'd read before.  Cain was talking about making a Free Trait Agreement with yourself.  The idea is that if you're an introvert there are times you need to act like an extrovert.  You have to make an agreement with yourself that you'll act this way for one instance, but that means as a "reward" you'll get something you want in return.

Let's say you're single.  You dislike the bar scene, but you crave intimancy, and you want to be in a long-term relationship in which you can share cozy evenings and long conversations with your partner and a small circle of friends.  In order to achieve this goal, you make an agreement with yourself that you will push yourself to go to scoial events, because only in this way can you hope to meet a make and reduce the number of gatherings you attend over the long term.  But while you pursue this goal you will attend only as many events as you can comfortably stand.

Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a Word that Can't Stop Talking (New York: Crown Publishers, 2012), 221.

It's another one of those things I knew, but didn't know, and it works for more then just personality.  I'm not saying that I'm going to be bar hoping looking for my soul mate.  What I really think I need right now is to become more comfortable being a person, out there in the real world, without having to have a safety net of family and friends to fall back on.

I need to be able to find and meet new friends.  I need to be able to develop more relationships then I have now.  I mean as far as close friends go I have a group of six guys I get together with every other weekend to play games with.  Some of them overlap with my Thursday night pool game.  And at work I have one really close friend and a couple others who I talk to but don't do much with.

It's been this way for YEARS.  It's fine.  I've enjoyed it.  I cherish those few friendships.  But it's not making me change or grow.  I'm just kinda standing still.  And if I'm standing still how will I ever get to where I want to be?

Ok.  So this blog isn't turning out to be quite what I thought it was going to be when I started it.  I thought it was going to be a way primarily for me with relative anonymity to explore my sexuality and the fears I had of putting a toe out in the dating world.  It's really more about exploring who I am as a person.  The whole me, not just one part.

So here's what I'm thinking.  At least once every other month (or maybe even once a month).  I MUST go out somewhere.  I can bring friends with me or I can go it alone.  It has to be a place I wouldn't normally go.  It can't just be a restaurant.  It has to be a place where I may be expected to mingle and talk with new people (most likely a bar of some sort).  That's my free trait agreement with myself.  If I can do this then I think my reward will be the fuller life that I always dreamed of having.

Came Across Something in the Book

Ok.  So I've been mentioning my therapist suggested I read Quiet at my first session.  I have been reading it and loving it.

I'm nearing the end of the book now and it's starting to shift focus to how an introvert should adapt to a world of extroverts.  I came across a passage that just freaked me out a little.

It talked about being an introvert, craving a relationship, but hating the bar scene and such.  It mentioned that you may have to make a pact with yourself to put yourself in those types of social situations.

It's not that I hadn't considered that, but reading it somehow make it click for me.  At some point I will need to try to get out there.  My only problem is figuring out how to do it.

I mean I don't really have the group of friends to go out with.  Most are either married or as introverted as I am and therefore no real help.  My most extroverted friend is a girl and it would mean that either I'm the third wheel to her and her boyfriend or we'd be going out together which doesn't make it look like I'm available (unless of course I'm thinking of going the guy route).

I'm also not confident that even if I do get myself to go somewhere that I won't just sit at the bar and isolate myself like a typical wallflower.

Plus there's the question of where to go.  If I go down town I'd expect to be dealing with a lot more college aged people.  I don't think I could really relate.  The outer edge of town where I live tend to be more country bars and such and that's not as much my style.  And I have absolutely no idea how to break into the gay scene (although I do have a friend who may be able to help with that, but I'm not ready to confide in him yet).  Plus my searches so far have come up with one main bar and some of the pictures from it kinda turn me off.

I know a lot of this is probably just excuses for the real problem which is I have absolutely no idea how to act in this sort of a situation.  I'm not a hunter.  I'm the one who wants someone to come up to them, but I just don't think I'm attractive enough to get someone to come up to me.

I know if I was a little more confident in the way I looked then maybe that would put out a aura that would make me seem more approachable (really there are physical cues that can do that).  But I'm not certain I can do that.

I just know that I can't just sit around here like this too much longer.  I need my time alone, but no man is an island and there are times when I crave the social life that seems to come so easily to so many people.

Lacking Skillz

Probably one of the hardest things I'm going to have to overcome as I venture out into the dating world is my complete lack of experience.  I have no game of any kind.  Not many people in their 30's can say that.  I don't know how to talk to someone or how to show them that I'm interested.

I get extremely nervous in situations where I'm expected to be social, especially when it's with people I don't know.  I can handle most every day situations, and after 5 years at my job I no longer have a problem speaking up when I'm in a meeting with people I've known for a while, but add a couple new people into the mix and I clam up.

So it's understandable that I have no idea how to talk or act around someone who I'd like to date.  So many people take that development from their teens/early twenties for granted.  It's probably the biggest fear I have right now.

"Will they be able to tell I'm completely new to this?"

"Should I tell them my history up front?"

"How do I know that they're having a good time or are into me or are wanting to leave?"

"Do they like me?"

"How was I supposed to take that last thing they said?"

"What am I supposed to do?"

It just scares the crap out of me.  I'm so far behind the curve I feel like I'll never catch up, and I fear that I'll automatically be written off when I don't know what's going on and how I'm supposed to respond.

For instance.  I went out for a night with a good friend of mine.  Like I said in an earlier post I'm still questioning myself and still trying to see myself as someone that somebody would want.  I planned to go out with her as a friend and nothing more.  She'd just broken up with her husband.  My brother and his wife had just moved out of my place.  We were both alone and down and it seemed like a good way for both of us to cheer up a little.

She suggested the restaurant and paid for the meal, then we went to a bar to watch karaoke and I got the drinks.  While we were talking she was kinda looking at me.  At one point I smiled and asked her, "What."  Her response was that I was a smart guy and I should know.

My thought was, "I may be book smart, but I'm at a total loss here."  Obviously her comment clued me into what the look probably meant.

I spent the rest of the night sitting next to her and talking and singing along with the song.  I didn't try anything because frankly I didn't want to see her like that (she's just too good of a friend), and as I said I'm questioning if I even would see her like that.

The end of the night was rather awkward for me.  We kinda went outside, waved, and walked our separate ways.  She had a strange look on her face and I'm not sure if she wanted something more or what.

I was totally clueless and unable to tell anything.  I went over and over the night in my head that evening and the next day.  I do that sometimes when I feel like I've messed up around people.  I try to find my mistakes. I talk down how I acted.  It's like a small bout of depression and obsession that lasts for a few hours to a few days.  It's terrible.  I hate it.  For some reason I always do it tough.  Sometimes I even have bouts after meeting up with friends who I've known for years.

I just don't understand it, but I do know that it is one of the reasons I don't like to do new things that involve social interaction.

Case in point last night.  I sent that e-mail to the guy and waited on pins and needles to see if he'd view my profile and respond.  To my surprise he started a chat.  After just two exchanges each he left the chat.  I've been wondering all day what could have gone wrong with it?  Was he not really looking for a guy?  Was it something I had said or the way I said something in the exchange?  Should I send him another e-mail?  Should I try to chat with him again?  I don't know what's acceptable and what's not.

I'm really hoping when I see my therapist for the first time next week I'll have the courage to mention some of this stuff to her.  Of course I'm already a little anxious about meeting and talking to her and I'm wondering if she's going to see the quiet me, the over-talkative me, or the normal every day me.