Tiptoeing Out a Little More

This is going to be a relatively short post in comparison to others.  I talked with my therapist.  She was happy with my progress thus far.  Yes she agreed it seemed fast, but at the same time I've had a drive to get this going.  It was amazing because I was also able to say that I was gay without it feeling weird to me.

So I came out to a couple friends who I knew it would not be a problem with.  I think I strengthened friendships there by doing it.  I don't think they realized how much I thought of them as friends until I told them.

It was a little weird though because I didn't feel as jazzed about it afterwards.  It wasn't because I wasn't happy it was more because it wasn't as big of a deal as it was when I told my brother.  Telling him was telling  one of the people in my every day life for the first time.  Telling these friends just had less impact.  I think it's because now I'm starting to live my life and the anxiety that comes from trying to hold back this part of me constantly is slipping away.

When Should I Come Out?

Ok.  So now I'm wondering.  When should I tell people?

I have my friend at work.  She just today (on her birthday of all days) broke up with her boyfriend.  I mentioned in an earlier post that she and I went out as friends once, but I got the vibe she wanted it to be more than friends.  She got with that boyfriend not long after the night out.  So he was the rebound guy.  On one hand it makes me want to talk with her more so that she knows I'm just not a possibility.  On the other hand I don't know how she's going to react and I really don't want to kick her while she's down.  But she's such a good friend.  One of my best friends really.  I don't know how much longer I can go on not telling her.  But it at least will explain to her how I knew exactly what shoes to wear with the new little black dress she's wearing out this weekend (j/k I'm fashion inept).

Next is my brother.  I want to tell him first in my family.  I think... rather I'm sure he will be accepting of me.  He has always seemed that way.  It will probably be a little awkward at first, but I think he'll be happier that I'm happier.  His wife is a wild card.  I may have to tell her just so he has someone to support him.  I know that she has at least one gay friend, but I'm worried that it will change how she see's me and change how she feels about me being around my nieces and nephew.  Apparently there is some bad history with her ex's family that I just don't know (nor want to know) the full story of, and I'm afraid the typical prejudice of gay men and children will pop up.

Then there is my mom and stepfather.  My dad passed away two years ago.  If he were still alive I don't know how I would tell him.  I don't know if I would have even been able to admit it to myself.  Anyway.  I think my mom is going to need some time.  That's why telling my brother first is better.  I think he can help her through it.  I really feel though that she'll realize that I'm happier and more comfortable with myself in the long run.  The stepfather is a wildcard.  He acts like he's liberal minded at times, but then he makes comments and seems to be homophobic as well.  He'll probably accept it, but be uncomfortable with it.  So no PDA with the boyfriends at family get togethers.

I have my pool friends and D&D friends.  That's a very mixed bag.  One of my pool friends openly talks about her gay friends and is very liberal minded.  I think she'll be the first I talk to (plus talking to the women in my life seems easier... weird right?).  Next would be the guy who is on my pool team and in the D&D group.  He's also liberal minded, but he worries unnecessarily at times and I think he'd be afraid about how the rest of the group would react.  He'd probably want to change the atmosphere of the group to be more clean and less gay jokes.  I don't want that at all.  I crack some of those same jokes and have never been offended.  I think they'll take on a whole new context too. :)

The rest of the D&D group is about 1/3rd going to be cool, 1/3rd wildcard, and 1/3rd scares the hell out of me to think how they may react.  I would hate if this broke up our group or something.  On the plus side I can make coming out part of the game by just making the character gay and then saying that it's how I feel too. :)

My extended family will be hard to work with.  I have some who will accept it no problem.  I have some who I have no idea what they'll think.  And I have some I deeply fear will disown me or treat me so differently that I'm uncomfortable.

As for when this will all happen I'm debating that.  My friend at work, my brother, and the girl from the pool team are the first people I'm looking to tell.  Beyond that there is my cousin who's my high school friend's (yes the same friend I've been mentioning as being gay... we come from a small town after all) sister-in-law.  My cousin and his wife (at least his wife) who I get together to play games with every once and a while.

I'm thinking I may try to hold out until after my therapist appointment next week, but I may not make it until then.  I kind of want to talk with her to see if it's a good idea.  I mentioned my feelings toward her saying I was gay and I'm wondering if she picked up on that since we didn't discuss it at all last session.  How's she going to react when I suddenly act out and proud.  Will she think it's false?  Will she think it's too soon?  I don't know.

First Night at a Gay Club

So I talked my friend who's in town into going out tonight.  I hinted that I was thinking about a gay club.  He missed the hint, but suggested the gay club too if I wanted to push myself a little.

It was several text messages in with him finally saying that I didn't have to do it if I didn't want to when I finally said, "Fuck it" and told him that I was hinting to go to a gay bar and damned if I wasn't going to do it.

He agreed and we went.

He was running late.  That was no big deal to me.  He called to tell me he was on his way.  I sat down and pulled up a 30 minute episode of a show on Netflix while I waited.  As the episode ended I suddenly got very nervous.  It was strange.  Why should I be so nervous?

I started cleaning (when I'm nervous I either clean or eat, and cleaning seemed like the better option).  I was such a bundle of nerves.  I get this way when I am anxious about experiencing new things, going new places, etc.

When he finally showed up I had calmed, but I was still not feeling at ease.  I got in his car and went with him to the bar.  The bar s divided into two sides.  The first side has a country theme (we are in the midwest after all).  There was hardly anyone there and that put me at ease.  I had about three drinks before we went to the more wild side.

On that side there was a drag queen show.  I had told my friend before that the drag queen aspect of gay culture was the one that I didn't like the most, but when presented with it face to face I enjoyed it.  I don't know why I didn't want to experience it (maybe it was the two doubles I had when I got to the other side of the bar).

I do have to say I enjoyed myself.  I only wish that I had gotten up and danced.  Part of me wanted to, but I held back.  I don't know why.  I'll have to remedy that next time I go.

I did get to see a lot of eye candy though and had a great time watching one guy dance. :)

Best Friends Forever

I never really thought about the meaning of this phrase until today.  I drove 2 hours to see my high school best friend.  It was a kind of the spur of the moment idea I had a few days ago:  part nostalgia, part boredom, and part restlessness.

He and I became friends our freshman year of high school and roomed together our freshman year of college.  Since then our friendship has been somewhat on the back burner, but it's still been there even if we weren't tending to it.

My friend is gay.  He came out to me in that winter we roomed together.  I can honestly say I didn't have a problem with it.  He was my friend and because he was important to me I just accepted it as part of him.

I will admit there was a little bit of jealousy that he had found a way to move on in his life and I was still lost, but I still supported him none the less.

We talked about a lot after he came out.  I told him that I had sometimes questioned my sexuality.  We discussed things that happened in high school.  We discussed our experiences to that date.  Once we even sat and looked at some pictures of guys together (just looked, nothing more).

I knew that eventually I would want to go talk with him and tell him some of what was going on.  I had told him I started therapy a while back.  He has logged his own time in therapy for various reasons, so it seemed right to let him know I was starting down the same path.

Not long after I got in the door we were talking about a lot of heavy subject stuff (mainly concerning our respective issues and our therapy in general).  For two people who have not talked much in the last 10 years it may seem a little weird that we were able to get into the deep stuff so quickly, but honestly it was nothing.  We just instantly feel back into the trust and friendship that we had so long ago.

Part of my wanting to go see him was because I wanted to talk about this kind of stuff.  I also felt I needed to tell someone other then my therapist and the people who stumble on this blog about my issues with sexuality.  I knew because of his own coming out that he would have a little perspective on the issue.

It took me an hour or more to finally get the courage to talk about my questioning.  That of course fed into my relationship issue, issues with sex, and issues with self-esteem and self-image.  That part of the conversation lasted the rest of the day.

It was wonderful being able to open up to someone and hear what they thought.  I didn't really hold back from him, and I don't think he really held back from me either.

It is strange, but at the same time awesome that I have a friendship like this that has stood the test of time and remained so strong.  My time with my friend today taught me the meaning of the phrase Best Friend Forever.  He really is that to me.

Came Across Something in the Book

Ok.  So I've been mentioning my therapist suggested I read Quiet at my first session.  I have been reading it and loving it.

I'm nearing the end of the book now and it's starting to shift focus to how an introvert should adapt to a world of extroverts.  I came across a passage that just freaked me out a little.

It talked about being an introvert, craving a relationship, but hating the bar scene and such.  It mentioned that you may have to make a pact with yourself to put yourself in those types of social situations.

It's not that I hadn't considered that, but reading it somehow make it click for me.  At some point I will need to try to get out there.  My only problem is figuring out how to do it.

I mean I don't really have the group of friends to go out with.  Most are either married or as introverted as I am and therefore no real help.  My most extroverted friend is a girl and it would mean that either I'm the third wheel to her and her boyfriend or we'd be going out together which doesn't make it look like I'm available (unless of course I'm thinking of going the guy route).

I'm also not confident that even if I do get myself to go somewhere that I won't just sit at the bar and isolate myself like a typical wallflower.

Plus there's the question of where to go.  If I go down town I'd expect to be dealing with a lot more college aged people.  I don't think I could really relate.  The outer edge of town where I live tend to be more country bars and such and that's not as much my style.  And I have absolutely no idea how to break into the gay scene (although I do have a friend who may be able to help with that, but I'm not ready to confide in him yet).  Plus my searches so far have come up with one main bar and some of the pictures from it kinda turn me off.

I know a lot of this is probably just excuses for the real problem which is I have absolutely no idea how to act in this sort of a situation.  I'm not a hunter.  I'm the one who wants someone to come up to them, but I just don't think I'm attractive enough to get someone to come up to me.

I know if I was a little more confident in the way I looked then maybe that would put out a aura that would make me seem more approachable (really there are physical cues that can do that).  But I'm not certain I can do that.

I just know that I can't just sit around here like this too much longer.  I need my time alone, but no man is an island and there are times when I crave the social life that seems to come so easily to so many people.

That Kid From Glee

So it's Father's Day.  My dad passed away a couple years ago.  This is my third Father's Day without him.  I have a tradition I started that first one where I go out to breakfast.  This year I invited my mother to go along with me.

We waited for our table and were seated much quicker then I expected to be.  Our waiter quickly came by to say "Hi" and that he would be right back to wait on us.  He was kinda cute and slightly effeminate and just seemed like maybe he could be into guys.  I tried not to look at him much because A) that's my nature, and B) my mom is sitting right there oblivious to any of the issues I've wrestled with all these years.

So the breakfast has been going well.  We chit chatted a little.  The waiter has been very nice and was really doing a good job the whole time despite the place being packed.  I've gotten up the nerve to make a little eye contact with him, but who am I fooling I'm not the type of person people are generally attracted to.  I know my place.  Once we are done eating and waiting on our check and to-go order my mom leans over to me ad says, "He reminds me of Glee."

I look back at her not quite sure if I'd heard what I thought I did, "What?"

"He reminds me of Glee.  You know the television show.  He reminds me of someone who would be on it."

I just kinda nodded and smiled and understanding.

I didn't know what to think about that comment.  She didn't say it with malice.  I'm pretty sure she knows that Glee is one of my favorite shows because, well that was me in high school.  I was in the choir.  I did solos (even went to state one year).  I was in the elite ensemble.  There was even a time I was seriously considering pursuing a career in vocal performance.

So this makes me question how much I'd be accepted if I did realize I was gay and came out to my family.  What will they think?  Will they be able to accept me?  I think so, but it's scary.  I'm so close with my mom and brother.  I don't think I could bear loosing them.

I'd already decided to keep any dating I do quiet.  I've done the same with my therapy.  Only my medical doctor, therapist, and my high school best friend know that I'm doing it.  I've thought about telling other people (especially my brother who has probably been my best friend as of late), but just haven't been comfortable with it yet.

No one knows how to find this blog.  I've told my therapist that I'm keeping it, but I haven't told her where it is.  I told her I may, but I'm not sure if that will happen.  My high school best friend knows about it too.  I plan to eventually tell him how to find it.  He once let me read a few of the anonymous forum posts he made concerning a very serious struggle he had been going through, so I feel like he should be given the same consideration.

I'm sure everyone important to me in my life will be accepting of me, but it's all still a little scary.

Downer Day

Today has just been kind of a downer day.  I don't know why.  I just can't feel happy, but I'm not really sad either.  I'm just kind of "meh."  I should be a little happy because I did end up loosing at weigh in, but no.

I'm beginning to feel a little anxious about my appointment with the therapist next week.  I've never done anything like this before, and I question what it's going to be like.  What should I say?  Will I even be able to say anything?  Should I tell anyone that I'm seeing a therapist?  I especially wonder because I know I haven't been me at work and I'm getting a little paranoid that I'll end up pissing someone off and then find myself without a job.

I just have this feeling that my lead is laying the ground work to get me out the door even though I'm sure that's not the case part of me just feels that way.

It's the same way with my friends.  I just don't feel like I trust them.  Every side conversation they have with each other concerns me.  I hate feeling this way.  A big part of my brain knows I'm overreacting, but there's this little voice in my head that keeps telling me, "but what if you're not."

I just wish I could be happy and confident in myself again like I was a year ago.

Lacking Skillz

Probably one of the hardest things I'm going to have to overcome as I venture out into the dating world is my complete lack of experience.  I have no game of any kind.  Not many people in their 30's can say that.  I don't know how to talk to someone or how to show them that I'm interested.

I get extremely nervous in situations where I'm expected to be social, especially when it's with people I don't know.  I can handle most every day situations, and after 5 years at my job I no longer have a problem speaking up when I'm in a meeting with people I've known for a while, but add a couple new people into the mix and I clam up.

So it's understandable that I have no idea how to talk or act around someone who I'd like to date.  So many people take that development from their teens/early twenties for granted.  It's probably the biggest fear I have right now.

"Will they be able to tell I'm completely new to this?"

"Should I tell them my history up front?"

"How do I know that they're having a good time or are into me or are wanting to leave?"

"Do they like me?"

"How was I supposed to take that last thing they said?"

"What am I supposed to do?"

It just scares the crap out of me.  I'm so far behind the curve I feel like I'll never catch up, and I fear that I'll automatically be written off when I don't know what's going on and how I'm supposed to respond.

For instance.  I went out for a night with a good friend of mine.  Like I said in an earlier post I'm still questioning myself and still trying to see myself as someone that somebody would want.  I planned to go out with her as a friend and nothing more.  She'd just broken up with her husband.  My brother and his wife had just moved out of my place.  We were both alone and down and it seemed like a good way for both of us to cheer up a little.

She suggested the restaurant and paid for the meal, then we went to a bar to watch karaoke and I got the drinks.  While we were talking she was kinda looking at me.  At one point I smiled and asked her, "What."  Her response was that I was a smart guy and I should know.

My thought was, "I may be book smart, but I'm at a total loss here."  Obviously her comment clued me into what the look probably meant.

I spent the rest of the night sitting next to her and talking and singing along with the song.  I didn't try anything because frankly I didn't want to see her like that (she's just too good of a friend), and as I said I'm questioning if I even would see her like that.

The end of the night was rather awkward for me.  We kinda went outside, waved, and walked our separate ways.  She had a strange look on her face and I'm not sure if she wanted something more or what.

I was totally clueless and unable to tell anything.  I went over and over the night in my head that evening and the next day.  I do that sometimes when I feel like I've messed up around people.  I try to find my mistakes. I talk down how I acted.  It's like a small bout of depression and obsession that lasts for a few hours to a few days.  It's terrible.  I hate it.  For some reason I always do it tough.  Sometimes I even have bouts after meeting up with friends who I've known for years.

I just don't understand it, but I do know that it is one of the reasons I don't like to do new things that involve social interaction.

Case in point last night.  I sent that e-mail to the guy and waited on pins and needles to see if he'd view my profile and respond.  To my surprise he started a chat.  After just two exchanges each he left the chat.  I've been wondering all day what could have gone wrong with it?  Was he not really looking for a guy?  Was it something I had said or the way I said something in the exchange?  Should I send him another e-mail?  Should I try to chat with him again?  I don't know what's acceptable and what's not.

I'm really hoping when I see my therapist for the first time next week I'll have the courage to mention some of this stuff to her.  Of course I'm already a little anxious about meeting and talking to her and I'm wondering if she's going to see the quiet me, the over-talkative me, or the normal every day me.