My Not So Great Night Out

So last Saturday I decided it would be a good idea to go out to the club (the gay club).  I was there with my friend a couple weeks ago.  This was a big step for me.  Not just because it was a gay club, but because it was the first time I have ever gone out to a bar/club alone ever, and it would really be the first time I'd gone out after truly accepting myself.

There was a pink theme that night, so I went shopping that day for some pink shirts.  I got a light colored button down one at old navy and a white V-Neck (I love V-Necks).  Then when I was at Wal-Mart I saw a great shirt and knew exactly what to do.

I thought it was pretty funny.  It at least made me smile. :)

So I started out to the club around 9pm.  About a mile or two away from it I had a panic attack.  I think I've mentioned my social anxiety before.  This wasn't a terrible panic attack, but it was a heart racing breathing quickly fight or flight kind of attack.  I considered for a second or two turning the car around.  I texted my friend just for a little reassurance as I got into the parking lot.

The place was relatively empty.  I walked in and there was hardly anyone there.  I had gotten there so early. Oh well.  I took a place at the bar and ordered a double rum and diet and sat.

The place started to fill up.  I kept at the bar.  I never moved except to get up to go to the bathroom.

I saw a lot of people who appeared to know each other.  They were smiling and talking and carrying on.  I was sitting and watching and drinking.  After the second double I was much calmer (BTW I would go on to have two more doubles and a beer before 1am).

I seemed to have some sort of force field around me.  people were sitting at every other chair at the octagonal bar, but the two chars to my right and one to my left were virtually empty (occasionally someone would sit a seat away from me while waiting for the bartender to go to them).

I didn't talk with anyone and no one talked with me.  It was probably because I was a new face.

A couple guys caught my eye.  One was sitting a couple chairs away from me.  He was really good looking.  I kept looking at him.  He too was just sitting there, not talking to anyone and drinking.  A couple times I thought about going over and trying to talk with him, but I'd never done that before with anyone.  I don't speak to people I don't know.  Maybe if I had some friends there to build up my confidence and console me when I'd inevitably get shot down it would have been different.  Who knows.

About 1:50 (the bars are required to close at 2am) a guy sat down near me.  He leaned in and made a motion like a phone to me.  Basically asking for my number.  He was by far not my type.  Too old.  Too ethnic.  And he didn't speak English as his first language (I know that sounds kind of bad, but since being able to carry on a conversation is important to me that's a real deal breaker... it should probably go on the list).

It was obvious even to me, a completely inexperienced newcomer to the dating world (that's the entire dating world, not just the gay one), that he was looking for a hookup and was trying to grab at the last person he could to get it.  I may have some low self esteem, but I have some high self respect.

So that was the first night.  On the way home I just started crying uncontrollably.  I couldn't stop.  I didn't know why.  What had gone so wrong that I was affected in this way?  Was it just the alcohol?  Was something trying to tell me that this is really not the romantic/sexual path for me?

I turned in for the night, but not before relieve a little bit of pent up stress (yes that is a euphemism).  The next morning I was still feeling down.  In my crying fit I had texted my friend to tell him about it.  He texted me back and we started talking through texts.

He kept telling me that just going was an accomplishment.  That I shouldn't have expected anything to happen the first night.  I told him that I was still determined to go back, but the crying had scared me.  I almost felt like this was not for me and that I just shouldn't try to date and go back to the way things had been.

At some point I got up and went into the bathroom.  I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  I looked hard at myself and said, "I don't look UNattractive."  The thing is I REALLY meant it.  I wasn't just saying it in an attempt to make myself feel better.  I was saying it because if I were sitting across from the bar from someone who looked like me I'd be thinking it.

That gave me a boost of confidence and I realized that is probably what the crying was about.  My confidence had been shaken by the night, but at the same time bolstered too.  Now I'm thinking that the more I go to the bar the more familiar I'll get with the place.  The more at ease I'll be.  I may even be able to make a friend on the staff (or at least have a passing recognition from them).

This Friday I'm going back with my sister in law and her friend.  It should be fun to be there not by myself.  We'll see how it all goes.

Perspective

So I've been given a different perspective. I haven't been doing all that great with my assignment from the therapist, but the successes I've had with it have given me a little perspective that I think was the entire point of it exercise.

I need to experience confidence. I need to choose to be confident. Confident in who I am. Confident in what I've accomplished.  Confident in what I hope to still accomplish.

I experienced a perfect moment of confidence on Saturday. I had a great conversation with someone when I went to weigh in at the Weight Watchers center. We discussed both of our histories a little and she told me a little about her husband who was just beginning to start down the path of weight loss.

After that conversation I was filled with confidence. I can talk to people, and I do have interesting things to say to them.

My friend that I visited a couple weeks ago is in town visiting family this week. He came over yesterday and we had a long conversation about stuff. Basically it was a continuation of the stuff we were discussing last time we talked.  Stuff about him and stuff about me.

It took me a while, but was able to open up to him about a lot of things I've never really told anyone before. Some of my fears when it comes to having a relationship (both sexual and non-sexual). My private moments (i.e. the types of adult films I've watched, the fantasies I had when I was a teenager, the crushes I had).

It was tough at first to get some of it out, but after I did it felt good to have voiced out loud some of the things I was worried about, see how someone else reacted to it, and recognize and accept things in myself because of that.

I'm not sure if that quite makes since. Basically I feel a bit more at ease and calm. I'm not ready to shout certain things from the rooftop yet, but I don't feel as fearful of doing it.

I actually feel more ready to date (which is amazing). I'm a little excited to try to do it. It's going to be a task to find someone to do it with, and I'm going to want to start it more like a new friendship at first and ease into it.

And I think I've decided that I do feel like I would be more comfortable with another guy in the end. I'm not completely writing off the idea of ending up with a girl, but I feel more confident about having a relationship with a guy.

Now we'll see how well I'm able to articulate this to my therapist on Friday. :)

Free Trait Agreement

Ok.  So I think I just made a fool out of myself with a post on Facebook (not a tremendous one, just a little one), but I don't really care for once in my life.  I'm not going to worry about it.  I'm just going to enjoy the reason why I made the post.

Last night I went out with my mother and step-father (I know not necessarily the best looking thing to do.  It really does just scream virgin at 30).  The reason I went with them is because a local cover band was playing at a bar that I'd never been to downtown.  They're big fans and friends with the band, and I've grown to like the band as well which is the reason I decided to go with them.

I'd had a few drinks before there, a few more drinks there, and then several cigars since it was a cigar bar and that is the only thing I will ever smoke (I know given the nature of this blog there are so many choice statements that could be made about that last sentence.  I'm actually giggling a little inside just writing it).

I actually had a good time.  I really enjoyed myself for once.

It got me thinking about another passage in Quiet that I'd read before.  Cain was talking about making a Free Trait Agreement with yourself.  The idea is that if you're an introvert there are times you need to act like an extrovert.  You have to make an agreement with yourself that you'll act this way for one instance, but that means as a "reward" you'll get something you want in return.

Let's say you're single.  You dislike the bar scene, but you crave intimancy, and you want to be in a long-term relationship in which you can share cozy evenings and long conversations with your partner and a small circle of friends.  In order to achieve this goal, you make an agreement with yourself that you will push yourself to go to scoial events, because only in this way can you hope to meet a make and reduce the number of gatherings you attend over the long term.  But while you pursue this goal you will attend only as many events as you can comfortably stand.

Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a Word that Can't Stop Talking (New York: Crown Publishers, 2012), 221.

It's another one of those things I knew, but didn't know, and it works for more then just personality.  I'm not saying that I'm going to be bar hoping looking for my soul mate.  What I really think I need right now is to become more comfortable being a person, out there in the real world, without having to have a safety net of family and friends to fall back on.

I need to be able to find and meet new friends.  I need to be able to develop more relationships then I have now.  I mean as far as close friends go I have a group of six guys I get together with every other weekend to play games with.  Some of them overlap with my Thursday night pool game.  And at work I have one really close friend and a couple others who I talk to but don't do much with.

It's been this way for YEARS.  It's fine.  I've enjoyed it.  I cherish those few friendships.  But it's not making me change or grow.  I'm just kinda standing still.  And if I'm standing still how will I ever get to where I want to be?

Ok.  So this blog isn't turning out to be quite what I thought it was going to be when I started it.  I thought it was going to be a way primarily for me with relative anonymity to explore my sexuality and the fears I had of putting a toe out in the dating world.  It's really more about exploring who I am as a person.  The whole me, not just one part.

So here's what I'm thinking.  At least once every other month (or maybe even once a month).  I MUST go out somewhere.  I can bring friends with me or I can go it alone.  It has to be a place I wouldn't normally go.  It can't just be a restaurant.  It has to be a place where I may be expected to mingle and talk with new people (most likely a bar of some sort).  That's my free trait agreement with myself.  If I can do this then I think my reward will be the fuller life that I always dreamed of having.

Allow Me To Vent for a Moment

I just got back from my normal Thursday night of league pool with friends.  It's really the only night I go out each week.  We were talking and somehow the topic turned to how old we all were (one of my friends guessed my age and was only a year under to which he replied, "and I was lowballing it").  At 33 (almost 34) I'm the youngest of the group.

At the very end of the night the jukebox started playing songs from their high school/middle school days, and I was relating how I was only 5 in the early 80's when some of these songs came out.

I say I want to vent because since there was talk about high school there was also talk about young love relationships and going to prom.  Not much mind you, only a small little bit.  But that small bit just kinda got to me.

One of the guys on my team is married.  The girl has been married and is currently dating.  The other guy I don't really know that well (we don't talk much... it's that weird he's their friend and I'm their friend, but we're not really friends kind of thing), but I assume he has dated/is dating.

My point is that if the discussion had gotten going more with other people contributing I would have had nothing. I didn't have a high school romance.  I didn't have a college romance.  I haven't had an adult romance (of course I basically said all this in my first post).  I will never have those sorts nostalgic memories to add to the conversation.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not saying that I'm never going to have a romance.  I still have hope that something will happen someday, but I can never go back and change the past.  I'm never going to have the memory of being a teenager in love.  I'm never going to know what it was like kick my roommate out of my dorm room (but I do know what it's like to be the one kicked out).

It just makes me... sad.  I know you'll probably say that I can make lovely memories from this point forward.  That may be true (although right now I still have times where I find it difficult to believe anyone could fall for me), but it's not going to be the same.

Of course just thinking about the possibility of having a relationship leads me down the path of anxiety and asking, "what if."  What if I do find someone who's crazy enough to go out on a date with me?  What will it be like?  How should I act?  What if I withdraw so much because of my introversion and shyness and have nothing to say or come across as cold and uninterested?  Should I tell them that it's my first date?  How can I tell what their body language is telling me, because I know I'm completely clueless there.

Then what happens if we try to kiss?  Can I be a good kisser having never done it before?  How can I tell if I should initiate the kiss?  What happens if things get serious?

And it's thinking like that (and a much poorer self image) that put me in this situation to begin with.  Ugh.  I can't believe that such a simple, off the cuff comment could cause me so much turmoil.  I was having a good night too, but for some reason this just started eating at me.

I know, I know, I'm most likely making a much larger deal out of this then it should be.  I really think that at my next appointment I need to get the courage to bring some of this up.  We touched on it during my initial appointment.  To which the therapist said, "you're still young."  But over the last two weeks it's just been weighing on me more and more.

There are some days where it would have been easier if I had just stayed my 400 lbs. self.  I knew how to be that person.  I was miserable, but I knew better who I was when I was him.  I'm not saying I want to go back.  It's just... right now I'm lost.

He Responded

I mentioned back in this post that this guy had shown interest in me without viewing my profile on a dating site.  And in this post I mentioned messaging him.  I actually have a followup to that, and it's about what I expected.

Like I said right after I sent the message I had second thoughts.  I kinda zeroed in on something from his profile that I actually related to.  He mentioned being a bigger guy (but he still looked pretty good, damn why did I also say something like that) and being judged by people, and I basically was trying to say that I identified with that.

My second thoughts kicked in after sending the message because I thought maybe it wouldn't come across as the understanding statement I meant it to.  Apparently I was right because in his response he said that at first the message did tick him off, but after rereading it he realized there was no reason to be.  He then went on to apologize for having not responded for so long.

I was happy he acknowledge the message.  I was also happy he took the time to reread my original message.  I wrote a quick reply back soon after he sent his message saying something to the effect of being astonished that I still can manage to put my foot in my mouth through e-mail.

I'm hoping he doesn't take the quickness of the reply as being weird.  See these are just a few of the worries that are always circling around in my head during social situations.  I can't even escape them online... it's annoying.  Stupid introverted personality. :-P

So basically it's another waiting game.  On the plus side I'm heading for a whole 10 and a half days off starting tomorrow.  It's going to be great.  I'm just planning to be around here and with family, but I may try to meet up with a friend or two to do something.  We'll see.

I know one thing though I'm going to keep up the gym days I've been doing lately.  It's been pretty steadily 2-3 days for an hour each day and one day off for the past two weeks.  I'm actually starting to look forward to it.  Maybe I'll hit my goal weight by Christmas.

Came Across Something in the Book

Ok.  So I've been mentioning my therapist suggested I read Quiet at my first session.  I have been reading it and loving it.

I'm nearing the end of the book now and it's starting to shift focus to how an introvert should adapt to a world of extroverts.  I came across a passage that just freaked me out a little.

It talked about being an introvert, craving a relationship, but hating the bar scene and such.  It mentioned that you may have to make a pact with yourself to put yourself in those types of social situations.

It's not that I hadn't considered that, but reading it somehow make it click for me.  At some point I will need to try to get out there.  My only problem is figuring out how to do it.

I mean I don't really have the group of friends to go out with.  Most are either married or as introverted as I am and therefore no real help.  My most extroverted friend is a girl and it would mean that either I'm the third wheel to her and her boyfriend or we'd be going out together which doesn't make it look like I'm available (unless of course I'm thinking of going the guy route).

I'm also not confident that even if I do get myself to go somewhere that I won't just sit at the bar and isolate myself like a typical wallflower.

Plus there's the question of where to go.  If I go down town I'd expect to be dealing with a lot more college aged people.  I don't think I could really relate.  The outer edge of town where I live tend to be more country bars and such and that's not as much my style.  And I have absolutely no idea how to break into the gay scene (although I do have a friend who may be able to help with that, but I'm not ready to confide in him yet).  Plus my searches so far have come up with one main bar and some of the pictures from it kinda turn me off.

I know a lot of this is probably just excuses for the real problem which is I have absolutely no idea how to act in this sort of a situation.  I'm not a hunter.  I'm the one who wants someone to come up to them, but I just don't think I'm attractive enough to get someone to come up to me.

I know if I was a little more confident in the way I looked then maybe that would put out a aura that would make me seem more approachable (really there are physical cues that can do that).  But I'm not certain I can do that.

I just know that I can't just sit around here like this too much longer.  I need my time alone, but no man is an island and there are times when I crave the social life that seems to come so easily to so many people.

Trapped

I'm sitting at home on a Friday night.  It's a usual thing for me.  I just don't feel like going anywhere or seeing anyone.  That's not exactly true I guess.  The problem is I don't know how to do that.  I don't know where to go.  I'm too nervous to just show up someplace by myself, at least a place where I can meet people, and I even if I did know where to go I'd probably just sit in a corner and watch instead of trying to interact with anyone.

It's even the same way online.  I mentioned a couple posts back about sending the message to one guy and getting a couple lines of chat out of him.  I can't decide if I should take that as a polite brush-off and move on or e-mail him again just to say hi one more time.

On another dating site I actually had someone e-mail me (now that is a first), and I have an outstanding non e-mail connection (which honestly is surprising to me since it means they did that on sheer photos and headline).  I haven't responded to either of them.  I don't know if I really find them attractive first off.  I also am still worried if being with another guy is truly the right thing for me.

But honestly I'm also just scared of the whole process.  I've never done it before.  I don't have any experience to draw from.  I don't have anyone who I can trust to lead me through it.  Heck I once had to go to my much younger brother for advice about keeping my work friend a work friend.  How pathetic is that?  Shouldn't it be the other way around.

I'm tired of feeling this way, but at the same time I'm so scared of the unknown.  I can't decide which feeling is worse to endure.  I just feel... trapped.

Lacking Skillz

Probably one of the hardest things I'm going to have to overcome as I venture out into the dating world is my complete lack of experience.  I have no game of any kind.  Not many people in their 30's can say that.  I don't know how to talk to someone or how to show them that I'm interested.

I get extremely nervous in situations where I'm expected to be social, especially when it's with people I don't know.  I can handle most every day situations, and after 5 years at my job I no longer have a problem speaking up when I'm in a meeting with people I've known for a while, but add a couple new people into the mix and I clam up.

So it's understandable that I have no idea how to talk or act around someone who I'd like to date.  So many people take that development from their teens/early twenties for granted.  It's probably the biggest fear I have right now.

"Will they be able to tell I'm completely new to this?"

"Should I tell them my history up front?"

"How do I know that they're having a good time or are into me or are wanting to leave?"

"Do they like me?"

"How was I supposed to take that last thing they said?"

"What am I supposed to do?"

It just scares the crap out of me.  I'm so far behind the curve I feel like I'll never catch up, and I fear that I'll automatically be written off when I don't know what's going on and how I'm supposed to respond.

For instance.  I went out for a night with a good friend of mine.  Like I said in an earlier post I'm still questioning myself and still trying to see myself as someone that somebody would want.  I planned to go out with her as a friend and nothing more.  She'd just broken up with her husband.  My brother and his wife had just moved out of my place.  We were both alone and down and it seemed like a good way for both of us to cheer up a little.

She suggested the restaurant and paid for the meal, then we went to a bar to watch karaoke and I got the drinks.  While we were talking she was kinda looking at me.  At one point I smiled and asked her, "What."  Her response was that I was a smart guy and I should know.

My thought was, "I may be book smart, but I'm at a total loss here."  Obviously her comment clued me into what the look probably meant.

I spent the rest of the night sitting next to her and talking and singing along with the song.  I didn't try anything because frankly I didn't want to see her like that (she's just too good of a friend), and as I said I'm questioning if I even would see her like that.

The end of the night was rather awkward for me.  We kinda went outside, waved, and walked our separate ways.  She had a strange look on her face and I'm not sure if she wanted something more or what.

I was totally clueless and unable to tell anything.  I went over and over the night in my head that evening and the next day.  I do that sometimes when I feel like I've messed up around people.  I try to find my mistakes. I talk down how I acted.  It's like a small bout of depression and obsession that lasts for a few hours to a few days.  It's terrible.  I hate it.  For some reason I always do it tough.  Sometimes I even have bouts after meeting up with friends who I've known for years.

I just don't understand it, but I do know that it is one of the reasons I don't like to do new things that involve social interaction.

Case in point last night.  I sent that e-mail to the guy and waited on pins and needles to see if he'd view my profile and respond.  To my surprise he started a chat.  After just two exchanges each he left the chat.  I've been wondering all day what could have gone wrong with it?  Was he not really looking for a guy?  Was it something I had said or the way I said something in the exchange?  Should I send him another e-mail?  Should I try to chat with him again?  I don't know what's acceptable and what's not.

I'm really hoping when I see my therapist for the first time next week I'll have the courage to mention some of this stuff to her.  Of course I'm already a little anxious about meeting and talking to her and I'm wondering if she's going to see the quiet me, the over-talkative me, or the normal every day me.

Broken Promises to Myself

So yesterday's first entry was a little bit all over the place.  I can ramble and often the thoughts just get to flowing freely and I don't really have a way to organize them ahead of time.  It doesn't make for the easiest to read posts sometimes.  Today I'm trying to stay on topic, but it's a lot to talk about.

I'm talking about the major promises to myself I've broken over the years.  I'm also mixing in a little bit of background on me to help paint a better picture.  I'm not going to promise I won't be long winded, but I'm hoping that it will at least be readable and understandable.

I grew up in a small town in the mid-west.  There were about 40 in my graduating class and about 200 in the entire high school.  I was definitely on the low end of the popularity pyramid.

I was the overweight, geeky kid who was nice and kind, but no one really liked.  You know there's got to be someone like that.  In larger schools there's more of you, so you can find each other and bind together.  That doesn't really happen in smaller schools though.

I can't really blame that for my problems.  The truth is I was extremely depressed in high school.  I truly hated myself.  I even considered (though not really seriously) suicide.  It was not a fun time to be me.  I was always a happy kid before puberty.  Always had a smile on my face, but as I got older the only reason I wore a smile was because I was faking it.

I could sit here and blame it on being bullied (which I most definitely was), but that would just be the easy way out.  I honestly just wasn't happy.  I didn't see any worth to me.  I'd often sit and think about how much better everyone would be without me.  I still do that sometimes.  The difference is now I know that there are people who would be affected by it and I just can't do that to them.

Looking back now I realize that I really didn't love myself, I didn't see worth in myself, and if I didn't love or see worth in myself how could anyone else?  That's why I never even tried to find a girl in high school (a guy would have been out of the question for such a small town).  The sad thing is I now think there was probably one or two I could have had some sort of relationship with.  Maybe even lost my virginity to, but I blew that chance.

There I go rambling off topic.  I was an unhappy teen.  I was also the type of person who ate his feelings, and when you feel really bad that's a heck of a lot of food.  I graduated high school somewhere between 280 and 300 lbs.  I made my first real promise to myself. "I'll get my weight under control and I will never weigh more than 300lbs."

I spent that summer convincing myself that when I got to college things would be different.  I promised myself I was going to get some friends and date and have a completely new life.  I went to the floor mixer, went to classes, found at least one new friend, lost a little weight (though admittedly that was because I was kind of starving myself). That all lasted for a good month or two, but inevitably I feel back into depression.

I thought even more about ending it all.  I didn't, but I did get to the point where I barely left my room.  I just couldn't face people.  By the second semester I failed out (this is coming from someone who got a 24 and then a 27 on his ACT without prepping at all.  Someone who aced every test in high school, but got B's and C's in the class because he didn't do the homework).  I'd broken my promise to have a new life and felt like I ruined the crappy one I had.

The depression lasted past college and followed me back home.  It stayed with me for the longest time.  I managed it with food.  By the time I was 21 I'd broken my promise to never weigh more than 300lbs., so now I decided I'd never weigh more than 400lbs.  I also promised myself that by the time I was 25 I'd go out on at least one date.

Twenty-three came and went and I was beginning to tell myself to give up.  I'd never be loved, so why bother worrying about it.  When I turned 26, still dateless, still a virgin, still never been kissed, I decided that I had to accept my life as one where I was always alone.  I'd broken another promise.  I cried a lot at first, and then not at all.

Somehow through all that mess I found something I could enjoy doing for work, when back to college as an older student, and got a degree.  I had a friend or two in college, but never was it a relationship I initiated.  Actually it was weird that I always ended up being friends with people who has a pretty liberal view of the laws regarding marijuana (too this day I'm still confused that I never was offered to try it, though I wouldn't because I was a a good boy and never wanted to be out of control for fear of what I would do).

By the time I was 28 I graduated and went to work full time.  It was a sedentary job, stuck in a cubical, not much interaction with other people... just the way I liked it.  Things were kind of looking up.

That summer I developed an infection in my leg.  I was freaked out because a year or two prior my dad lost his leg to such an infection.  I went to the doctor.  I had to step on a scale for the first time in a while.  It went up to 350.  I pegged it.  It was alright because the last time I weighed myself I was about 380, and I didn't gain weight since then right?  Some chronic medication for diabetes and such, some antibiotics and the infection cleared.  It was back next summer though.  This time it took some IV antibiotic to clear it.

Enough was enough.  That fall they had a health clinic at work and I signed up.  It took two scales and I weighed in at 412lbs.  I realized I'd gained a knack for breaking promises to myself.  Something had to change.  I tried to, but ultimately by the next health clinic I still weighed the same.  I had to make a change.  I tried to eat better.  My work was starting Weight Watchers in January and I promised myself to join it.  I kept that promise.

My first weigh in was just over 390.  I had left 400lbs. behind.  In a month I lost another 20.  Then tragedy struck and my father passed.  A heart attack caused by diabetes.  I stopped watching what I ate and just let myself indulge.  I promised myself by the next week I'd be back on plan.  I kept that promise.

I promised myself that I'd loose 50lbs. total by then end of the first 12 weeks.  I kept that promise.  I promised myself I'd be under 300lbs. by my birthday that summer.  I kept that promise.  I promised myself I'd be under my high school weight by Christmas.  I kept that promise.  I promised myself that I'd keep it all off and never look back.

That's were I'm at today.  I got as low as the 230's and have since gained back between 20lbs. and 30lbs., but have been loosing overall for the past month.  That's what prompted me to go to therapy.  I don't want to backslide.  I don't want to break that promise.

Accomplishing something like loosing 100+ lbs. gives you a confidence you never knew you had.  It's been two years now and that confidence is waning.  I'm loosing focus.  I'm staring to feel those feelings of worthlessness again.  I'm starting to realize I'm going to be alone forever and I'm falling back into depression.  I promise I won't let that happen.