Free Trait Agreement

Ok.  So I think I just made a fool out of myself with a post on Facebook (not a tremendous one, just a little one), but I don't really care for once in my life.  I'm not going to worry about it.  I'm just going to enjoy the reason why I made the post.

Last night I went out with my mother and step-father (I know not necessarily the best looking thing to do.  It really does just scream virgin at 30).  The reason I went with them is because a local cover band was playing at a bar that I'd never been to downtown.  They're big fans and friends with the band, and I've grown to like the band as well which is the reason I decided to go with them.

I'd had a few drinks before there, a few more drinks there, and then several cigars since it was a cigar bar and that is the only thing I will ever smoke (I know given the nature of this blog there are so many choice statements that could be made about that last sentence.  I'm actually giggling a little inside just writing it).

I actually had a good time.  I really enjoyed myself for once.

It got me thinking about another passage in Quiet that I'd read before.  Cain was talking about making a Free Trait Agreement with yourself.  The idea is that if you're an introvert there are times you need to act like an extrovert.  You have to make an agreement with yourself that you'll act this way for one instance, but that means as a "reward" you'll get something you want in return.

Let's say you're single.  You dislike the bar scene, but you crave intimancy, and you want to be in a long-term relationship in which you can share cozy evenings and long conversations with your partner and a small circle of friends.  In order to achieve this goal, you make an agreement with yourself that you will push yourself to go to scoial events, because only in this way can you hope to meet a make and reduce the number of gatherings you attend over the long term.  But while you pursue this goal you will attend only as many events as you can comfortably stand.

Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a Word that Can't Stop Talking (New York: Crown Publishers, 2012), 221.

It's another one of those things I knew, but didn't know, and it works for more then just personality.  I'm not saying that I'm going to be bar hoping looking for my soul mate.  What I really think I need right now is to become more comfortable being a person, out there in the real world, without having to have a safety net of family and friends to fall back on.

I need to be able to find and meet new friends.  I need to be able to develop more relationships then I have now.  I mean as far as close friends go I have a group of six guys I get together with every other weekend to play games with.  Some of them overlap with my Thursday night pool game.  And at work I have one really close friend and a couple others who I talk to but don't do much with.

It's been this way for YEARS.  It's fine.  I've enjoyed it.  I cherish those few friendships.  But it's not making me change or grow.  I'm just kinda standing still.  And if I'm standing still how will I ever get to where I want to be?

Ok.  So this blog isn't turning out to be quite what I thought it was going to be when I started it.  I thought it was going to be a way primarily for me with relative anonymity to explore my sexuality and the fears I had of putting a toe out in the dating world.  It's really more about exploring who I am as a person.  The whole me, not just one part.

So here's what I'm thinking.  At least once every other month (or maybe even once a month).  I MUST go out somewhere.  I can bring friends with me or I can go it alone.  It has to be a place I wouldn't normally go.  It can't just be a restaurant.  It has to be a place where I may be expected to mingle and talk with new people (most likely a bar of some sort).  That's my free trait agreement with myself.  If I can do this then I think my reward will be the fuller life that I always dreamed of having.

The Journey

Ok. So yesterday's post was kinda dark. The weird thing is I've been having this thing happen where I become concerned with something and then amazingly I find a passage in the book I'm reading (actually the book I've finished) that speaks to it.

Today I was on the bike at the YMCA doing my usual reading with iPod blaring and came across this passage:

We all write our life stories as if we were novelists... with beginnings, conflicts, turning points, and endings. And the way we characterize our past setbacks profoundly influences how satisfied we are with our current lives. Unhappy people tend to see setbacks as contaminants that ruined an otherwise good thing, while generative adults see them as blessings in disguise. Those who live the most fully realized lives... tend to find meaning in the obstacles.

Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a Word that Can't Stop Talking (New York: Crown Publishers, 2012), 263.

It kinda speaks to what I was doing in yesterday's post. Viewing my past setbacks as a contaminant instead of a blessing. In a way though that sounds like a cheesy "Every cloud has a silver lining" kind of statement. The problem is finding the silver lining in this cloud.

What I also found funny about this and other things I've read in the book is that these are things I seemed to intrinsically (big word) know, but I had to read them before my brain said, "pay attention stupid, and do this."

It's hard to change how you think about things, especially when you've thought a certain way about them for a long, long time. I'm hoping that I can though.

So maybe the journey of finding the new me isn't as scary today as I thought it was yesterday. Maybe I need to look at it as an adventure that not a lot of people are lucky enough to embark on. And my reward at the end of it won't be some prize or parade, but the satisfaction of knowing and loving myself, who I am, more then I ever have.

Edit:  I should also give credit where credit is due and say that Sam's comment on yesterday's post also helped lighten my morning a little so that the passage above could really sink in.

Came Across Something in the Book

Ok.  So I've been mentioning my therapist suggested I read Quiet at my first session.  I have been reading it and loving it.

I'm nearing the end of the book now and it's starting to shift focus to how an introvert should adapt to a world of extroverts.  I came across a passage that just freaked me out a little.

It talked about being an introvert, craving a relationship, but hating the bar scene and such.  It mentioned that you may have to make a pact with yourself to put yourself in those types of social situations.

It's not that I hadn't considered that, but reading it somehow make it click for me.  At some point I will need to try to get out there.  My only problem is figuring out how to do it.

I mean I don't really have the group of friends to go out with.  Most are either married or as introverted as I am and therefore no real help.  My most extroverted friend is a girl and it would mean that either I'm the third wheel to her and her boyfriend or we'd be going out together which doesn't make it look like I'm available (unless of course I'm thinking of going the guy route).

I'm also not confident that even if I do get myself to go somewhere that I won't just sit at the bar and isolate myself like a typical wallflower.

Plus there's the question of where to go.  If I go down town I'd expect to be dealing with a lot more college aged people.  I don't think I could really relate.  The outer edge of town where I live tend to be more country bars and such and that's not as much my style.  And I have absolutely no idea how to break into the gay scene (although I do have a friend who may be able to help with that, but I'm not ready to confide in him yet).  Plus my searches so far have come up with one main bar and some of the pictures from it kinda turn me off.

I know a lot of this is probably just excuses for the real problem which is I have absolutely no idea how to act in this sort of a situation.  I'm not a hunter.  I'm the one who wants someone to come up to them, but I just don't think I'm attractive enough to get someone to come up to me.

I know if I was a little more confident in the way I looked then maybe that would put out a aura that would make me seem more approachable (really there are physical cues that can do that).  But I'm not certain I can do that.

I just know that I can't just sit around here like this too much longer.  I need my time alone, but no man is an island and there are times when I crave the social life that seems to come so easily to so many people.

First Session

Well I was mildly surprised.  The thoughtful, considered me that wants to make a change in his life is the one that actually showed up to the appointment.  That was after the nervous wreck who constantly considered skipping out on it did the car drive up there.

So it's started.  I now have three scheduled appointments over the next month and a half (the first one this Friday since there was a sudden opening in the schedule.

My doctor also suggested a book for me to read (unrelated to my sexuality issues, but related to other issues).  Unfortunately they couldn't remember the title and I couldn't remember the name of the author that was given.  All I could remember was that it was on introversion and it made it to the New York Times Bestseller list.  A quick Google search and I found myself at a book store (because as long as it takes me to read a book I'm better off just buying it so I have it to go back to and lend to others) purchasing "Quiet:  The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking."  I sat down and read the first 20 or so pages and it's really good.

I also went over to asexuality.org and made a post there.  I realized after yesterday's post that if I was searching for someone to relate to I may find such a person there.  A couple people have responded already.

I know this is going to be a long process, but I feel a bit more confident that I'm on a path toward my ultimate goals of knowing who I am, knowing how to approach others, and knowing how to love myself.  Wish me luck.

(Slight editor's note.  You may have noticed that my last two posts were so close to each other and gone ???  The reason is because I had written the first post the day prior intending to save it for when I felt like posting it.  When I sat down last night and just started typing out that last post I realized it may seem weird if the two were not posted together.  After all it was really the first post that lead me to the second.  Not that anyone cares, but I just feel the need to explain why.)