Out

So today I was off to the gym.  My brother called to say they were headed over to mom's.  I decide it's the right time to talk with mom.  So I take a detour to her place.

When I get there I play around a little with my nieces.  Then I say, "Mom I need to talk to you. You know how I've been secretive about where I've been going lately."

"Lacie"

That's my friend that I came out to on Friday.  We were shopping and getting pedicures on Saturday when mom called me and guessed that I was with her.  I told Lacie that mom would think we were dating. "No.  I'm planning to start dating, and I've been going to one of the gay bars in town."

A long pause. "So you think you're gay now?"

I smile. "I've known it for a while."

"Did Kurt tell you this."

Kurt is my best friend from high school who came out to me freshman year of college. "No. I did talk with him about it though."

"But when Kurt told you you were upset about it."

"Yes for obvious reasons now.  I've been really happy the last month or so since I've accepted this."

"Well it's you're life.  You can live it how you want.  Whatever makes you happy."

And that was it.  My step-dad was even easier.  What the hell is the world coming to when coming out means nothing to anyone. :)

So now that I'm living out I'm going to reveal a little bit about me.  My first name is Darren.  I live in Wichita, KS.  Below is a picture of me as of Saturday.

By day's end Mom had called two of her sisters.  One called and the other texted their support.  They're like, "You're still Darren."  Someone please tell me what had me so worried?

Tiptoeing Out a Little More

This is going to be a relatively short post in comparison to others.  I talked with my therapist.  She was happy with my progress thus far.  Yes she agreed it seemed fast, but at the same time I've had a drive to get this going.  It was amazing because I was also able to say that I was gay without it feeling weird to me.

So I came out to a couple friends who I knew it would not be a problem with.  I think I strengthened friendships there by doing it.  I don't think they realized how much I thought of them as friends until I told them.

It was a little weird though because I didn't feel as jazzed about it afterwards.  It wasn't because I wasn't happy it was more because it wasn't as big of a deal as it was when I told my brother.  Telling him was telling  one of the people in my every day life for the first time.  Telling these friends just had less impact.  I think it's because now I'm starting to live my life and the anxiety that comes from trying to hold back this part of me constantly is slipping away.

August is Off To a Great Start

So I'm kind of jazzed.  Tomorrow is the first therapist appointment after coming out to my brother and his wife.  I've made a lot of progress since my last appointment and I hope to discuss it with my therapist and see what she thinks.  Am I moving too fast?  Does she think I'm doing well, or am I delusional?

It's amazing how much has changed in such a short time.  I was texting my friend, and I realize that all my thinking about not wanting sex and not being a sexual person was a bunch of bull.  I was repressing.  I'm not saying that there is no such thing as an asexual.  I do believe that exists, but I don't believe that's me any longer.  I really, REALLY want sex.  It's just I want it with another guy. :)

I still don't plan on becoming one of those blogger horn dogs I talked about a while ago, but I do plan on trying to find a partner or two (maybe at the same time). :D

I broke down and installed Grindr on my phone.  One of the things that was holding me back was my brother being able to get into and look at my phone.  I didn't want him to find out about me by stumbling onto those apps.  I freaked out once when he was looking at my new phone because I have my Plenty of Fish and Match.com apps on there and they're set to men.  Now that he knows I don't really care if he sees them.

So I've even gotten a couple people to message me on Grindr.  That's amazing to me.  I'm not really that hot (at least I don't think).  I'm not going to use it to hook up.  If I'm going to hook up with someone it's going to be because we met out in the real world, got to know each other a little, and decided to throw some caution to the wind.  Not because of a booty call.

But the biggest thing for me today was getting two guys to message me on Plenty of Fish.  The first was the guy I talked about a while back who I exchanged just a couple messages with and never heard back from.  He messaged me again.  I was at work.  He had to go to work, but I said I wanted to message him again, so we'll see how that goes.

The second guy was someone who I messaged a couple days ago.  I'd be fine if this one just becomes a friend because he's into cars (me not so much, but I can appreciate), computers, and video games.  He is kinda cute in a dorky sort of way too which appeals to me.

So who knows by the end of August I may get to have my first kiss, or date, or maybe even get laid (though I highly doubt it).  All I know for certain is that I'm much happier with myself now.  Much calmer in my skin. I think just coming to this realization once and for all about myself has been what I've needed all along.

Coming Out to Me

I'm sure there was an earlier post or two that sounded like I'd already done this, but I don't think I ever truly have before.

I said earlier that my friend was in town and we had this huge long conversation.  I really forced myself to open up about stuff.  Forced may be the wrong word.  I wanted to open up, but I kept holding back all day. It wasn't until very late in the night that I really started to talk.

It's funny because one of the topics of conversation that day was when he came out to me.  He couldn't recall how it happened.  I know he did not intend to come out when he did.  He was very secretive and controlling of that information at the time (wow you think that would have been something that would have entered my mind).

Anyway he came out to me when we were roommates at college.  I remember the exact date (because I'm that kind of friend).  It was very late at night.  We sometimes had this thing where after the lights went out and we were both in bed we'd talk a little about all kinds of things.  This night he was talking to me about something he stumbled across online that disturbed him.  It was a piece of erotic fiction that involved a widely known religious figure from history in a homosexual relationship (I'd rather you infer what that means then me actually have to type it... I'm still a little religious remember). :)

I remember he said something that clicked with me and I asked him if he was trying to tell me something.  It was at that point he admitted he was gay.  I'm fairly certain I'm the first person he told from back home.  That was always something that meant a lot to me.  It kind of defined the relationship as a lifelong friendship.  I didn't need to really work through the question of accepting him.  He was my best friend.  It changed nothing about how I felt about him.

So it's only fitting that I basically returned the favor to him (wow does that ever sound dirty).  When we were having our discussion I opened up about fantasies I had in high school, the porn I watched, the shows that I watched and the relationships that meant the most to me in them (basically I have the viewing habits of a teenage girl because I love shows like Degrassi, and Ziley (Riley/Zane) was one of my favorite relationships (although I enjoyed the Marco/Ellie friendship almost as much, but part of that was because I really liked watching Stacey Farber and the guy that played Marco was extremely cute as he got older).

After telling my friend all this stuff it was easier to accept in myself that, yeah I'm gay.  Not 100% gay, but mostly gay.  The weird thing is I don't want the gay label though.  I don't want the bi label either.  I don't want any label.  I just want to be me.

An extremely wise person said that the hardest person, and in fact the first person, to come out to is yourself.  It's taken me nearly 15 years to do it, but I finally think I have.  I realize that I want what my friend has.  I want a relationship, and I kind of expect for that relationship to be with a guy.

This is definitely a turning point in my life.

Perspective

So I've been given a different perspective. I haven't been doing all that great with my assignment from the therapist, but the successes I've had with it have given me a little perspective that I think was the entire point of it exercise.

I need to experience confidence. I need to choose to be confident. Confident in who I am. Confident in what I've accomplished.  Confident in what I hope to still accomplish.

I experienced a perfect moment of confidence on Saturday. I had a great conversation with someone when I went to weigh in at the Weight Watchers center. We discussed both of our histories a little and she told me a little about her husband who was just beginning to start down the path of weight loss.

After that conversation I was filled with confidence. I can talk to people, and I do have interesting things to say to them.

My friend that I visited a couple weeks ago is in town visiting family this week. He came over yesterday and we had a long conversation about stuff. Basically it was a continuation of the stuff we were discussing last time we talked.  Stuff about him and stuff about me.

It took me a while, but was able to open up to him about a lot of things I've never really told anyone before. Some of my fears when it comes to having a relationship (both sexual and non-sexual). My private moments (i.e. the types of adult films I've watched, the fantasies I had when I was a teenager, the crushes I had).

It was tough at first to get some of it out, but after I did it felt good to have voiced out loud some of the things I was worried about, see how someone else reacted to it, and recognize and accept things in myself because of that.

I'm not sure if that quite makes since. Basically I feel a bit more at ease and calm. I'm not ready to shout certain things from the rooftop yet, but I don't feel as fearful of doing it.

I actually feel more ready to date (which is amazing). I'm a little excited to try to do it. It's going to be a task to find someone to do it with, and I'm going to want to start it more like a new friendship at first and ease into it.

And I think I've decided that I do feel like I would be more comfortable with another guy in the end. I'm not completely writing off the idea of ending up with a girl, but I feel more confident about having a relationship with a guy.

Now we'll see how well I'm able to articulate this to my therapist on Friday. :)

Pride

So as I reported in my last post that I went and saw my old high school friend.  I talked with him about my questioning and other topics.  I've been reflecting a little bit over the past day and a half and have started to realize that I feel better about things.

I've read a couple blogs from people who have come out.  It's not always pretty.  But there have been many I've read that talked about people who came out first to people they knew would be accepting (extremely close and understanding friends, friends that already identified as gay, bi, or questioning).

When I read these posts I seemed to hear the same reaction.  A sense of relief.  A sense of calm.  A sense that everything was not as out of control as it originally seemed.

I feel a little of that today.  I feel lighter.  Like I'm not as unhappy as I was before.  Like I can make it through life.  Like maybe I will be able to have a relationship (romantic, sexual, whatever).  At the same time though I think I'm starting to realize something.

I have never had a problem with anyone being gay.  My only problem growing up was how people would perceive me if I didn't appear to share their views on homosexuality.  I got roomed with someone at camp that said they were gay/questioning.  When some of the people from my school found out about this person I asked to be moved because of how they reacted.  I feel bad about that now (partly because it was a bad thing to do and partly because there could have been some experimentation--though I highly doubt it--that I would have been fine with).

Later in life when I felt more secure in not acting like I was homophobic (having a gay best friend made it easier to feel that way).  I didn't stop it when others did it, but I was no longer a willing participant (though I will admit to cracking a gay joke or two on occasion, but they never came from a place of hate).

What I don't get though is why I feel like I may have a problem if I were gay.  If I don't have a problem with someone else being gay why is it so wrong that I may be?

My friend kind of touched on this subject.  He mentioned how being gay means accepting the consequences of that.  Things like not being able to have kids that are as much a part of you as they are your partner.

I think this is a little of what is scaring me.  I think I may be gay and there is a part of me that just doesn't want to accept the consequences and wants to hold on to the notion that I can be straight and "normal."  Honestly "normal" is the wrong word.  A better world would be "traditional."

Part of me wants to try a relationship out with a girl, have vaginal intercourse, try out a traditional life, but there is another part of me that is convinced that it will not be the life for me.

I had another fantasy this morning.  I imagined being in bed with a guy.  It wasn't a particular guy.  It was a cliched setting.  He was over to fix something for me and somehow we wound up in bet together.  There were parts that were just about the cuddling and intimacy, and there were a few flashes of acts of caring, loving sex.  I have had a similar fantasy with a girl, but the sex part is normally omitted.

After having this fantasy though I thought for the first time that I may be able to have sex with someone I'd recently met.  I can see the possibility that I'd connect with someone enough to feel comfortable doing it with them.  I think I may even be able to have sex just for the sake of having sex (although I'm not entirely convinced of that.  I know that I'm really looking for a relationship).  I realize though that having sex so early isn't a foundation for a good, lasting relationship.

It's a little weird to me to be able to think along those lines.

So I guess what this boils down to is no matter what my sexuality is I need to find a way to accept who I am and take pride in that.  I need to find a way to embrace my sexuality.

Best Friends Forever

I never really thought about the meaning of this phrase until today.  I drove 2 hours to see my high school best friend.  It was a kind of the spur of the moment idea I had a few days ago:  part nostalgia, part boredom, and part restlessness.

He and I became friends our freshman year of high school and roomed together our freshman year of college.  Since then our friendship has been somewhat on the back burner, but it's still been there even if we weren't tending to it.

My friend is gay.  He came out to me in that winter we roomed together.  I can honestly say I didn't have a problem with it.  He was my friend and because he was important to me I just accepted it as part of him.

I will admit there was a little bit of jealousy that he had found a way to move on in his life and I was still lost, but I still supported him none the less.

We talked about a lot after he came out.  I told him that I had sometimes questioned my sexuality.  We discussed things that happened in high school.  We discussed our experiences to that date.  Once we even sat and looked at some pictures of guys together (just looked, nothing more).

I knew that eventually I would want to go talk with him and tell him some of what was going on.  I had told him I started therapy a while back.  He has logged his own time in therapy for various reasons, so it seemed right to let him know I was starting down the same path.

Not long after I got in the door we were talking about a lot of heavy subject stuff (mainly concerning our respective issues and our therapy in general).  For two people who have not talked much in the last 10 years it may seem a little weird that we were able to get into the deep stuff so quickly, but honestly it was nothing.  We just instantly feel back into the trust and friendship that we had so long ago.

Part of my wanting to go see him was because I wanted to talk about this kind of stuff.  I also felt I needed to tell someone other then my therapist and the people who stumble on this blog about my issues with sexuality.  I knew because of his own coming out that he would have a little perspective on the issue.

It took me an hour or more to finally get the courage to talk about my questioning.  That of course fed into my relationship issue, issues with sex, and issues with self-esteem and self-image.  That part of the conversation lasted the rest of the day.

It was wonderful being able to open up to someone and hear what they thought.  I didn't really hold back from him, and I don't think he really held back from me either.

It is strange, but at the same time awesome that I have a friendship like this that has stood the test of time and remained so strong.  My time with my friend today taught me the meaning of the phrase Best Friend Forever.  He really is that to me.

The Journey

Ok. So yesterday's post was kinda dark. The weird thing is I've been having this thing happen where I become concerned with something and then amazingly I find a passage in the book I'm reading (actually the book I've finished) that speaks to it.

Today I was on the bike at the YMCA doing my usual reading with iPod blaring and came across this passage:

We all write our life stories as if we were novelists... with beginnings, conflicts, turning points, and endings. And the way we characterize our past setbacks profoundly influences how satisfied we are with our current lives. Unhappy people tend to see setbacks as contaminants that ruined an otherwise good thing, while generative adults see them as blessings in disguise. Those who live the most fully realized lives... tend to find meaning in the obstacles.

Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a Word that Can't Stop Talking (New York: Crown Publishers, 2012), 263.

It kinda speaks to what I was doing in yesterday's post. Viewing my past setbacks as a contaminant instead of a blessing. In a way though that sounds like a cheesy "Every cloud has a silver lining" kind of statement. The problem is finding the silver lining in this cloud.

What I also found funny about this and other things I've read in the book is that these are things I seemed to intrinsically (big word) know, but I had to read them before my brain said, "pay attention stupid, and do this."

It's hard to change how you think about things, especially when you've thought a certain way about them for a long, long time. I'm hoping that I can though.

So maybe the journey of finding the new me isn't as scary today as I thought it was yesterday. Maybe I need to look at it as an adventure that not a lot of people are lucky enough to embark on. And my reward at the end of it won't be some prize or parade, but the satisfaction of knowing and loving myself, who I am, more then I ever have.

Edit:  I should also give credit where credit is due and say that Sam's comment on yesterday's post also helped lighten my morning a little so that the passage above could really sink in.

That Kid From Glee

So it's Father's Day.  My dad passed away a couple years ago.  This is my third Father's Day without him.  I have a tradition I started that first one where I go out to breakfast.  This year I invited my mother to go along with me.

We waited for our table and were seated much quicker then I expected to be.  Our waiter quickly came by to say "Hi" and that he would be right back to wait on us.  He was kinda cute and slightly effeminate and just seemed like maybe he could be into guys.  I tried not to look at him much because A) that's my nature, and B) my mom is sitting right there oblivious to any of the issues I've wrestled with all these years.

So the breakfast has been going well.  We chit chatted a little.  The waiter has been very nice and was really doing a good job the whole time despite the place being packed.  I've gotten up the nerve to make a little eye contact with him, but who am I fooling I'm not the type of person people are generally attracted to.  I know my place.  Once we are done eating and waiting on our check and to-go order my mom leans over to me ad says, "He reminds me of Glee."

I look back at her not quite sure if I'd heard what I thought I did, "What?"

"He reminds me of Glee.  You know the television show.  He reminds me of someone who would be on it."

I just kinda nodded and smiled and understanding.

I didn't know what to think about that comment.  She didn't say it with malice.  I'm pretty sure she knows that Glee is one of my favorite shows because, well that was me in high school.  I was in the choir.  I did solos (even went to state one year).  I was in the elite ensemble.  There was even a time I was seriously considering pursuing a career in vocal performance.

So this makes me question how much I'd be accepted if I did realize I was gay and came out to my family.  What will they think?  Will they be able to accept me?  I think so, but it's scary.  I'm so close with my mom and brother.  I don't think I could bear loosing them.

I'd already decided to keep any dating I do quiet.  I've done the same with my therapy.  Only my medical doctor, therapist, and my high school best friend know that I'm doing it.  I've thought about telling other people (especially my brother who has probably been my best friend as of late), but just haven't been comfortable with it yet.

No one knows how to find this blog.  I've told my therapist that I'm keeping it, but I haven't told her where it is.  I told her I may, but I'm not sure if that will happen.  My high school best friend knows about it too.  I plan to eventually tell him how to find it.  He once let me read a few of the anonymous forum posts he made concerning a very serious struggle he had been going through, so I feel like he should be given the same consideration.

I'm sure everyone important to me in my life will be accepting of me, but it's all still a little scary.