August is Off To a Great Start

So I'm kind of jazzed.  Tomorrow is the first therapist appointment after coming out to my brother and his wife.  I've made a lot of progress since my last appointment and I hope to discuss it with my therapist and see what she thinks.  Am I moving too fast?  Does she think I'm doing well, or am I delusional?

It's amazing how much has changed in such a short time.  I was texting my friend, and I realize that all my thinking about not wanting sex and not being a sexual person was a bunch of bull.  I was repressing.  I'm not saying that there is no such thing as an asexual.  I do believe that exists, but I don't believe that's me any longer.  I really, REALLY want sex.  It's just I want it with another guy. :)

I still don't plan on becoming one of those blogger horn dogs I talked about a while ago, but I do plan on trying to find a partner or two (maybe at the same time). :D

I broke down and installed Grindr on my phone.  One of the things that was holding me back was my brother being able to get into and look at my phone.  I didn't want him to find out about me by stumbling onto those apps.  I freaked out once when he was looking at my new phone because I have my Plenty of Fish and Match.com apps on there and they're set to men.  Now that he knows I don't really care if he sees them.

So I've even gotten a couple people to message me on Grindr.  That's amazing to me.  I'm not really that hot (at least I don't think).  I'm not going to use it to hook up.  If I'm going to hook up with someone it's going to be because we met out in the real world, got to know each other a little, and decided to throw some caution to the wind.  Not because of a booty call.

But the biggest thing for me today was getting two guys to message me on Plenty of Fish.  The first was the guy I talked about a while back who I exchanged just a couple messages with and never heard back from.  He messaged me again.  I was at work.  He had to go to work, but I said I wanted to message him again, so we'll see how that goes.

The second guy was someone who I messaged a couple days ago.  I'd be fine if this one just becomes a friend because he's into cars (me not so much, but I can appreciate), computers, and video games.  He is kinda cute in a dorky sort of way too which appeals to me.

So who knows by the end of August I may get to have my first kiss, or date, or maybe even get laid (though I highly doubt it).  All I know for certain is that I'm much happier with myself now.  Much calmer in my skin. I think just coming to this realization once and for all about myself has been what I've needed all along.

Perspective

So I've been given a different perspective. I haven't been doing all that great with my assignment from the therapist, but the successes I've had with it have given me a little perspective that I think was the entire point of it exercise.

I need to experience confidence. I need to choose to be confident. Confident in who I am. Confident in what I've accomplished.  Confident in what I hope to still accomplish.

I experienced a perfect moment of confidence on Saturday. I had a great conversation with someone when I went to weigh in at the Weight Watchers center. We discussed both of our histories a little and she told me a little about her husband who was just beginning to start down the path of weight loss.

After that conversation I was filled with confidence. I can talk to people, and I do have interesting things to say to them.

My friend that I visited a couple weeks ago is in town visiting family this week. He came over yesterday and we had a long conversation about stuff. Basically it was a continuation of the stuff we were discussing last time we talked.  Stuff about him and stuff about me.

It took me a while, but was able to open up to him about a lot of things I've never really told anyone before. Some of my fears when it comes to having a relationship (both sexual and non-sexual). My private moments (i.e. the types of adult films I've watched, the fantasies I had when I was a teenager, the crushes I had).

It was tough at first to get some of it out, but after I did it felt good to have voiced out loud some of the things I was worried about, see how someone else reacted to it, and recognize and accept things in myself because of that.

I'm not sure if that quite makes since. Basically I feel a bit more at ease and calm. I'm not ready to shout certain things from the rooftop yet, but I don't feel as fearful of doing it.

I actually feel more ready to date (which is amazing). I'm a little excited to try to do it. It's going to be a task to find someone to do it with, and I'm going to want to start it more like a new friendship at first and ease into it.

And I think I've decided that I do feel like I would be more comfortable with another guy in the end. I'm not completely writing off the idea of ending up with a girl, but I feel more confident about having a relationship with a guy.

Now we'll see how well I'm able to articulate this to my therapist on Friday. :)

Drought

Can I just say.  I'm incredibly annoyed with shows that make it seem like a single person going month's without sex is an incredibly terrible thing, and that to go a few years without it is just unheard of and so shocking.  I can't imaging what they'd say about someone who's in their 30's an hasn't done it yet.

I know I'm not the only person out there who is this way.  I know there are others.  I've found posts from them on various forums, but in reality no one knows anyone in this situation because no one in this situation talks about it.  I know I'm not spouting it to my friends... well I spouted it to one friend, but I've basically already told you about that.

So I had my appointment with my therapist today.  I don't think it went well.  I just couldn't bring myself to talk about a few things.  I don't really know why.  Maybe it was because it was just so personal and I'm not comfortable exposing myself that much.  Maybe it's because I didn't want to cry.  I know I felt it under the surface a couple times.

She asked me a question about me thinking I was gay.  It was weird.  There was a part of me that for some reason didn't like hearing her say that.  I don't know why.

She gave me a new task to try to do, and I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it.  I'm supposed to try to make small talk with people I come across.  The cashier in the checkout line for instance.

To me it just seems weird.  Plus part of me doesn't see what good it's going to do.  I mean I'm forced to interact with this person anyway.  I'm going to try to make it happen though.

She said something else that struck me as funny when you take a look at the name of the blog.  She said that I had a kind of teenager mentality when it came to interacting with other people.

Here's the basic thing that goes on in my head (and yes I realize it's a bit crazy).  I'm not that great of a person.  That person who I would like to talk with is a much better person then me.  If they are willing to lower themselves to my level they'll come to talk with me.  I don't want to become a burden to them, so I won't talk with them.

It's weird I know, but that is honestly were my head is a lot of the time.  I don't think I'm worth knowing unless you go out of your way to get to know me.

I just don't know how this whole thing is going to work out.

Therapy

I told my brother last night that I was seeing a psychologist.  I'd been wanting to tell him, but it seemed like last night was the best time.  He was having a fight with his wife and I was figuring into it (basically I don't think she trusts/likes me, which is funny because she's the one who did something that shattered my trust in her, and she was upset with him because he was going to leave their twins in the car of me and my mom who just had outpatient surgery).

So he was standing his ground and she was saying that he needed to change.  He said he didn't want to be wrong.  Finally I just told him to give.  I did have a long talk with him about how I feel both of them are treating family and how I feel about how his wife is acting.

He made a comment about how irritable I had been and that being a concern of his if I should take care of the twins.  That's when I decided I needed to tell him I was seeing a therapist.

I talked with him a little about a few things I was trying to work on.  I completely left any talk about love, sex, and relationships out of it though.  As I've said before everything is pretty much hypothetical at this point, and I don't see any reason to possibly upset him since I still don't know myself.

I'm sure telling him about my attending therapy will be a positive step for our relationship.  I'm also hoping some of the things I said will sink in a little.  I know he seems to be reconsidering a decision he made for this weekend, so that at least makes me feel a little better.

The Journey

Ok. So yesterday's post was kinda dark. The weird thing is I've been having this thing happen where I become concerned with something and then amazingly I find a passage in the book I'm reading (actually the book I've finished) that speaks to it.

Today I was on the bike at the YMCA doing my usual reading with iPod blaring and came across this passage:

We all write our life stories as if we were novelists... with beginnings, conflicts, turning points, and endings. And the way we characterize our past setbacks profoundly influences how satisfied we are with our current lives. Unhappy people tend to see setbacks as contaminants that ruined an otherwise good thing, while generative adults see them as blessings in disguise. Those who live the most fully realized lives... tend to find meaning in the obstacles.

Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a Word that Can't Stop Talking (New York: Crown Publishers, 2012), 263.

It kinda speaks to what I was doing in yesterday's post. Viewing my past setbacks as a contaminant instead of a blessing. In a way though that sounds like a cheesy "Every cloud has a silver lining" kind of statement. The problem is finding the silver lining in this cloud.

What I also found funny about this and other things I've read in the book is that these are things I seemed to intrinsically (big word) know, but I had to read them before my brain said, "pay attention stupid, and do this."

It's hard to change how you think about things, especially when you've thought a certain way about them for a long, long time. I'm hoping that I can though.

So maybe the journey of finding the new me isn't as scary today as I thought it was yesterday. Maybe I need to look at it as an adventure that not a lot of people are lucky enough to embark on. And my reward at the end of it won't be some prize or parade, but the satisfaction of knowing and loving myself, who I am, more then I ever have.

Edit:  I should also give credit where credit is due and say that Sam's comment on yesterday's post also helped lighten my morning a little so that the passage above could really sink in.

As If Writing Here Wasn't Enough

For some reason doing this blog and the reading I've been doing has inspired me to write some stuff down as a story.  I'm hoping that it will help me sort through some stuff.  It's loosely autobiographical.  To give an example I just got done writing a scene where the main character first feels confusion about his sexuality.  In reality it didn't happen for me exactly that way.

There are elements of other parts of my experience that helped to develop that scene (speaking of development I think I need to go back and flesh that scene out a little bit more, no pun intended), but I never had the exact experience I'm writing about.

There are other things I plan to do.  I want to get into the time when I considered suicide.  One of the things that stopped me from doing it was a cousin in another state that did do it.  However in the story I'm already planning on it being a close friend that attempts it, but does not succeed.

I don't ever plan to pass it off as 100% autobiographical only to say that it's inspired by my life.

I'm hoping to cover all of my struggles with my sexuality in it including my wondering if I'm asexual or not.  Who knows maybe one day I'll get it published.  Or maybe I'll post it as a blog serial.  Or I could always just keep it for myself.  I know though that simply doing this is going to help me face some thoughts and emotions I haven't faced for years, and I think that will be a good thing.

First Session

Well I was mildly surprised.  The thoughtful, considered me that wants to make a change in his life is the one that actually showed up to the appointment.  That was after the nervous wreck who constantly considered skipping out on it did the car drive up there.

So it's started.  I now have three scheduled appointments over the next month and a half (the first one this Friday since there was a sudden opening in the schedule.

My doctor also suggested a book for me to read (unrelated to my sexuality issues, but related to other issues).  Unfortunately they couldn't remember the title and I couldn't remember the name of the author that was given.  All I could remember was that it was on introversion and it made it to the New York Times Bestseller list.  A quick Google search and I found myself at a book store (because as long as it takes me to read a book I'm better off just buying it so I have it to go back to and lend to others) purchasing "Quiet:  The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking."  I sat down and read the first 20 or so pages and it's really good.

I also went over to asexuality.org and made a post there.  I realized after yesterday's post that if I was searching for someone to relate to I may find such a person there.  A couple people have responded already.

I know this is going to be a long process, but I feel a bit more confident that I'm on a path toward my ultimate goals of knowing who I am, knowing how to approach others, and knowing how to love myself.  Wish me luck.

(Slight editor's note.  You may have noticed that my last two posts were so close to each other and gone ???  The reason is because I had written the first post the day prior intending to save it for when I felt like posting it.  When I sat down last night and just started typing out that last post I realized it may seem weird if the two were not posted together.  After all it was really the first post that lead me to the second.  Not that anyone cares, but I just feel the need to explain why.)

Getting First Appointment Jitters

Eventually I will go a day without posting I swear.  Since the blog is getting zero hits I don't thinks that really matters though. :)

I'm starting to get a little nervous about my impending first session this week.  I'm not quite sure why.  I thought about telling my brother, mother, or a good friend at work about me starting therapy, but I just couldn't do it when I was with them.  I'm not afraid of them asking me why--although I'd never give them the full reasons--and I don't think it's a bad thing that I'm going to start.

I just think some part of me wants to keep it private for now.  I hope it's not because deep down I wander if it will help.

I'm terrible because I psycho-analyse myself.  I've been doing it for a long, long time (probably about as long as I should have been in therapy).

I do know one thing for sure I don't think I'm going to tell the doctor how to find this blog right away.  I may mention it to them as something I'm doing, but I'm not quite sure how much I'm going to feel comfortable laying out on the table this week.

I had told the doctor that referred me and the therapist that my reasons were to help finish up my weight loss, and that is true because I feel that my relationship (or lack of one), self view, questioning of my sexuality, social issues, and depression are all factors that are causing me to slip up in my attempt to complete my weight loss goals.

I'm beginning to worry that I'm going to be the scared puppy version of me.  The person who just sits there and either doesn't say much or says what he thinks the other person wants to hear.  I'm going to try to fight doing that though because there's no way I can get help if I don't let them in.

Downer Day

Today has just been kind of a downer day.  I don't know why.  I just can't feel happy, but I'm not really sad either.  I'm just kind of "meh."  I should be a little happy because I did end up loosing at weigh in, but no.

I'm beginning to feel a little anxious about my appointment with the therapist next week.  I've never done anything like this before, and I question what it's going to be like.  What should I say?  Will I even be able to say anything?  Should I tell anyone that I'm seeing a therapist?  I especially wonder because I know I haven't been me at work and I'm getting a little paranoid that I'll end up pissing someone off and then find myself without a job.

I just have this feeling that my lead is laying the ground work to get me out the door even though I'm sure that's not the case part of me just feels that way.

It's the same way with my friends.  I just don't feel like I trust them.  Every side conversation they have with each other concerns me.  I hate feeling this way.  A big part of my brain knows I'm overreacting, but there's this little voice in my head that keeps telling me, "but what if you're not."

I just wish I could be happy and confident in myself again like I was a year ago.

Lacking Skillz

Probably one of the hardest things I'm going to have to overcome as I venture out into the dating world is my complete lack of experience.  I have no game of any kind.  Not many people in their 30's can say that.  I don't know how to talk to someone or how to show them that I'm interested.

I get extremely nervous in situations where I'm expected to be social, especially when it's with people I don't know.  I can handle most every day situations, and after 5 years at my job I no longer have a problem speaking up when I'm in a meeting with people I've known for a while, but add a couple new people into the mix and I clam up.

So it's understandable that I have no idea how to talk or act around someone who I'd like to date.  So many people take that development from their teens/early twenties for granted.  It's probably the biggest fear I have right now.

"Will they be able to tell I'm completely new to this?"

"Should I tell them my history up front?"

"How do I know that they're having a good time or are into me or are wanting to leave?"

"Do they like me?"

"How was I supposed to take that last thing they said?"

"What am I supposed to do?"

It just scares the crap out of me.  I'm so far behind the curve I feel like I'll never catch up, and I fear that I'll automatically be written off when I don't know what's going on and how I'm supposed to respond.

For instance.  I went out for a night with a good friend of mine.  Like I said in an earlier post I'm still questioning myself and still trying to see myself as someone that somebody would want.  I planned to go out with her as a friend and nothing more.  She'd just broken up with her husband.  My brother and his wife had just moved out of my place.  We were both alone and down and it seemed like a good way for both of us to cheer up a little.

She suggested the restaurant and paid for the meal, then we went to a bar to watch karaoke and I got the drinks.  While we were talking she was kinda looking at me.  At one point I smiled and asked her, "What."  Her response was that I was a smart guy and I should know.

My thought was, "I may be book smart, but I'm at a total loss here."  Obviously her comment clued me into what the look probably meant.

I spent the rest of the night sitting next to her and talking and singing along with the song.  I didn't try anything because frankly I didn't want to see her like that (she's just too good of a friend), and as I said I'm questioning if I even would see her like that.

The end of the night was rather awkward for me.  We kinda went outside, waved, and walked our separate ways.  She had a strange look on her face and I'm not sure if she wanted something more or what.

I was totally clueless and unable to tell anything.  I went over and over the night in my head that evening and the next day.  I do that sometimes when I feel like I've messed up around people.  I try to find my mistakes. I talk down how I acted.  It's like a small bout of depression and obsession that lasts for a few hours to a few days.  It's terrible.  I hate it.  For some reason I always do it tough.  Sometimes I even have bouts after meeting up with friends who I've known for years.

I just don't understand it, but I do know that it is one of the reasons I don't like to do new things that involve social interaction.

Case in point last night.  I sent that e-mail to the guy and waited on pins and needles to see if he'd view my profile and respond.  To my surprise he started a chat.  After just two exchanges each he left the chat.  I've been wondering all day what could have gone wrong with it?  Was he not really looking for a guy?  Was it something I had said or the way I said something in the exchange?  Should I send him another e-mail?  Should I try to chat with him again?  I don't know what's acceptable and what's not.

I'm really hoping when I see my therapist for the first time next week I'll have the courage to mention some of this stuff to her.  Of course I'm already a little anxious about meeting and talking to her and I'm wondering if she's going to see the quiet me, the over-talkative me, or the normal every day me.

Who Am I?

So for my first post I think I'll talk about how I got myself into this mess.  I'm now about to turn 34.  I'm a guy. I'm a virgin.  Seriously.  I'm such a virgin that I've never been kissed or even gone out on a date.  I thought of the movie "The 40 Year Old Virgin" as me in a few years.  I'm also just now questioning who I am and what I want.  So sufficed to say I'm an extremely late bloomer.  Which is the reason at times I feel like a teenager stuck in a 30 year old body.  I feel like some of the questions I'm asking myself should have been answered 15 years ago.

First off one of the few questions I do know the answer to is gender identity.  I know and feel that I am male, so at least there is one thing I can be sure of.

My main question that I need the answer to is my sexuality.  I just can't figure it out.  A few days ago I was convinced that I am gay.  I decided to start to explore that aspect.  I put up a personal add on a few dating sites searching for men, but as I started to weed through the "matches" I began to question if I was truly attracted to any of them.  I would look at one and say, "He's really cute," and the next and say, "He's a definite no," and then come across one I thought just looked normal and say, "He's ok, but not great."  I don't think I ever felt an "attraction" to any of them though.

I've been able to do the same things to women in the past.  I can recognize a beautiful women.  I know one when I see one, but I'm not sure if I've ever felt an "attraction" to them either.

I don't think I'm asexual.  I've always heard the definition of an asexual as someone who isn't really able to have sexual attraction and therefore doesn't really have a sex drive.  I have a sex drive.  I express it in solitude quite often and I have a need to have sex of some sort.  I fixate on sex with a man, but now I'm really beginning to wonder if that is truly how I feel.  I know some straight people fantasize about gay sex even though they are straight.  I can picture sex with a woman, but it's not my common thought.  When I search for porn it's almost exclusively gay porn, but I'll admit I'm not sure I really enjoy it (though I do find it simulating enough).

Maybe it's the prospect of meeting someone that's freaking me out.  I mean I could find someone online tomorrow who's interested in me and I in him and we could go on a date.  So then don't I owe it to him to be 100% sure?  He'll probably be about my age and has most likely known about himself for some time.  Isn't it wrong if I lead him on only to realize, "Sorry, I like girls."

Maybe it's my Catholic upbringing that's getting in the way.  I mean gay sex is a sin.  In my head I accept that fact.  I also realize though that I want love in my life.  If I am gay and it isn't fair to a woman to be in a relationship with a man who can't love her, and it isn't fair to me to be in a relationship that isn't emotionally fulfilling.  I know in my heart I'd pursue a relationship that I can be complete in, and I would accept the eternal consequences of that (of course I may not say that in the future).  I'd also hope that I could ask God to forgive me though and realize that all I wanted to do was to find that one person he created for me to love.  I honestly don't think I have a moral issue with being gay.  I have no issue with other people being gay.

So what is it then?  What am I? Who am I?  I'm planning to start therapy soon and I'm hoping that maybe that will help shed some light for me.