Pride

So as I reported in my last post that I went and saw my old high school friend.  I talked with him about my questioning and other topics.  I've been reflecting a little bit over the past day and a half and have started to realize that I feel better about things.

I've read a couple blogs from people who have come out.  It's not always pretty.  But there have been many I've read that talked about people who came out first to people they knew would be accepting (extremely close and understanding friends, friends that already identified as gay, bi, or questioning).

When I read these posts I seemed to hear the same reaction.  A sense of relief.  A sense of calm.  A sense that everything was not as out of control as it originally seemed.

I feel a little of that today.  I feel lighter.  Like I'm not as unhappy as I was before.  Like I can make it through life.  Like maybe I will be able to have a relationship (romantic, sexual, whatever).  At the same time though I think I'm starting to realize something.

I have never had a problem with anyone being gay.  My only problem growing up was how people would perceive me if I didn't appear to share their views on homosexuality.  I got roomed with someone at camp that said they were gay/questioning.  When some of the people from my school found out about this person I asked to be moved because of how they reacted.  I feel bad about that now (partly because it was a bad thing to do and partly because there could have been some experimentation--though I highly doubt it--that I would have been fine with).

Later in life when I felt more secure in not acting like I was homophobic (having a gay best friend made it easier to feel that way).  I didn't stop it when others did it, but I was no longer a willing participant (though I will admit to cracking a gay joke or two on occasion, but they never came from a place of hate).

What I don't get though is why I feel like I may have a problem if I were gay.  If I don't have a problem with someone else being gay why is it so wrong that I may be?

My friend kind of touched on this subject.  He mentioned how being gay means accepting the consequences of that.  Things like not being able to have kids that are as much a part of you as they are your partner.

I think this is a little of what is scaring me.  I think I may be gay and there is a part of me that just doesn't want to accept the consequences and wants to hold on to the notion that I can be straight and "normal."  Honestly "normal" is the wrong word.  A better world would be "traditional."

Part of me wants to try a relationship out with a girl, have vaginal intercourse, try out a traditional life, but there is another part of me that is convinced that it will not be the life for me.

I had another fantasy this morning.  I imagined being in bed with a guy.  It wasn't a particular guy.  It was a cliched setting.  He was over to fix something for me and somehow we wound up in bet together.  There were parts that were just about the cuddling and intimacy, and there were a few flashes of acts of caring, loving sex.  I have had a similar fantasy with a girl, but the sex part is normally omitted.

After having this fantasy though I thought for the first time that I may be able to have sex with someone I'd recently met.  I can see the possibility that I'd connect with someone enough to feel comfortable doing it with them.  I think I may even be able to have sex just for the sake of having sex (although I'm not entirely convinced of that.  I know that I'm really looking for a relationship).  I realize though that having sex so early isn't a foundation for a good, lasting relationship.

It's a little weird to me to be able to think along those lines.

So I guess what this boils down to is no matter what my sexuality is I need to find a way to accept who I am and take pride in that.  I need to find a way to embrace my sexuality.

Allow Me To Vent for a Moment

I just got back from my normal Thursday night of league pool with friends.  It's really the only night I go out each week.  We were talking and somehow the topic turned to how old we all were (one of my friends guessed my age and was only a year under to which he replied, "and I was lowballing it").  At 33 (almost 34) I'm the youngest of the group.

At the very end of the night the jukebox started playing songs from their high school/middle school days, and I was relating how I was only 5 in the early 80's when some of these songs came out.

I say I want to vent because since there was talk about high school there was also talk about young love relationships and going to prom.  Not much mind you, only a small little bit.  But that small bit just kinda got to me.

One of the guys on my team is married.  The girl has been married and is currently dating.  The other guy I don't really know that well (we don't talk much... it's that weird he's their friend and I'm their friend, but we're not really friends kind of thing), but I assume he has dated/is dating.

My point is that if the discussion had gotten going more with other people contributing I would have had nothing. I didn't have a high school romance.  I didn't have a college romance.  I haven't had an adult romance (of course I basically said all this in my first post).  I will never have those sorts nostalgic memories to add to the conversation.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not saying that I'm never going to have a romance.  I still have hope that something will happen someday, but I can never go back and change the past.  I'm never going to have the memory of being a teenager in love.  I'm never going to know what it was like kick my roommate out of my dorm room (but I do know what it's like to be the one kicked out).

It just makes me... sad.  I know you'll probably say that I can make lovely memories from this point forward.  That may be true (although right now I still have times where I find it difficult to believe anyone could fall for me), but it's not going to be the same.

Of course just thinking about the possibility of having a relationship leads me down the path of anxiety and asking, "what if."  What if I do find someone who's crazy enough to go out on a date with me?  What will it be like?  How should I act?  What if I withdraw so much because of my introversion and shyness and have nothing to say or come across as cold and uninterested?  Should I tell them that it's my first date?  How can I tell what their body language is telling me, because I know I'm completely clueless there.

Then what happens if we try to kiss?  Can I be a good kisser having never done it before?  How can I tell if I should initiate the kiss?  What happens if things get serious?

And it's thinking like that (and a much poorer self image) that put me in this situation to begin with.  Ugh.  I can't believe that such a simple, off the cuff comment could cause me so much turmoil.  I was having a good night too, but for some reason this just started eating at me.

I know, I know, I'm most likely making a much larger deal out of this then it should be.  I really think that at my next appointment I need to get the courage to bring some of this up.  We touched on it during my initial appointment.  To which the therapist said, "you're still young."  But over the last two weeks it's just been weighing on me more and more.

There are some days where it would have been easier if I had just stayed my 400 lbs. self.  I knew how to be that person.  I was miserable, but I knew better who I was when I was him.  I'm not saying I want to go back.  It's just... right now I'm lost.

Courage

So I got up the courage to message the guy I mentioned a few posts ago.  It was a simple message.  Non-committal.  I even mentioned I was a little new to the game and that if he wanted to run for the hills I wouldn't blame him.  We'll see what happens.

Honestly I'm not sure if this was a good idea or a bad idea.  I probably should have brought it up with my therapist today, but I just don't think we're quite ready to start delving into the murky waters that is my sexuality on the second session.

I would have been more hesitant if the guy was right around the corner, but he's over 100 miles away, so it's easier for me to just start up an e-mail relationship with him.  By the time we get to discussing meeting in person I'll probably have a chance to ask my therapist if it's a good idea to be doing that at this stage.

I've dwelt for so many years on just what my sexuality is.  The more and more I think about it the more and more I lean toward some kind of strange combination of homosexual leaning bisexual demisexual homoromatic leaning biromatic.  Basically I'm 75% certain I'm gay, but I still question if I could have a heterosexual relationship.  I'm fairly certain I'm highly romantic leaning and will most likely not feel comfortable engaging in sex until I'm in an established relationship.  Honestly though I wonder if I throw the bi in there just to make me feel that there's hope of having a traditional life.

As I said before I believe I can see having a romantic relationship with a woman, but something about the idea of sex with a woman just doesn't feel right to me.

It's very hard to express urges and emotions that in theory I will feel.  Until I actually try to pursue them I don't think I'm never going to know exactly what feels right.

One thing I do know is I get all mushy at every Degrassi, Glee, As the World Turn, etc., gay relationship I ever see.  More mushy then I get at any straight relationship I catch (though those can still get to me).

I'm not going to pretend for a minute though that I have solved an issue that has been dogging me for 15+ years in a matter of days though.  That's just plain crazy.  I only know that if I don't start to try (and at the same time try to prepare myself for the ups and downs it's going to bring) I'll always be questioning and I'll never know the answer.

Arousal

Ok.  This post is going to be rated around PG-13 to R.  Just giving you a heads up (but you should have guessed that from the title).  Don't say you haven't been warned.

I was driving today and my mind started to wonder a little bit.  I started to think about the guy I mentioned a couple posts back, and if we somehow started a relationship, and if we somehow ended up at my house kissing and making out and maybe heading toward something more, and BAM it was getting aroused by the thoughts.

It made me wonder... would I feel the same way if I had been daydreaming about a girl?  I tried to shift my focus, but I couldn't really think of a girl to put in his place.  When I did think of one it of course didn't work because I was aware of what I was trying to do.  Trying to force something like that just doesn't work.

This kind of throws a monkey wrench into the thought of being asexual though doesn't it?  I mean if I can be aroused just thinking like this doesn't it mean that I am somehow sexually attracted?  Or is it the romanticism of the moment that was getting me aroused?  It's all just confusing to me.

I know that having a sex drive doesn't mean that you're not asexual.  And I know I still question if I can feel sexual attraction to anyone.  I know that when I think about having a relationship with someone I think more about waking up next in each other's arms each morning, sitting on the couch together and talking or watching TV, being there for each other each day.  I don't place an importance on sex.  I believe it will play a part in the relationship,but for me if everything else is going great I think I could care less about the sex.

The more and more I think about it I think I may be homosexual or more possibly homoromatic.  I could still be biromatic, but I'm beginning to doubt that I'm bisexual.  Honestly the thought of being with another guy in bed seems less foreign to me than being with a girl.

There's a part of me though that thinks it would just be easier to go out and find some person drunk enough (and that's probably going to have to be pretty drunk) to have a one night stand with.  Of course I know deep down I wouldn't like it at all because the idea of a one night stand is just repulsive to me.  When I have sex I want it to be with someone I have a connection with.  Someone who accepts me how I am.

Ugh, this is such a confusing situation to find myself in.  Writing about it helps clear my head and ease my mind a little, but I don't know if it's getting me any closer to answers.