I went out to the club last night and I'm so absurdly jazzed.
I was drinking and sitting at the bar. At one point I got up to go to the restroom and ran into a guy who was asking if I remembered him. He had waited on my mom, step father and I like 3 weeks ago. He could tell me my shirt, my phone (which we discussed that day), and remembered how many were in may party.
I'm going to specifically ask you this, Sam, have you ever remembered all that from someone you ran into three weeks prior? Could I really have made that big of an impression?
I kinda tried some under the RADAR flirting with him that day. He's not really my type, but I was positive he was in the family and I was being a little playful just to be playful. I was trying to make sure my mom and step dad didn't pick up on it though.
That has solidified the fact that I need to tell my mom I'm gay. I was already planning to do it this week, but that was another push. I don't want to have to tiptop around things at one of the restaurants we got to together.
That wasn't the biggest news of the night though. As I was getting ready to leave one of the staff members started to talk with me.
He asked if I was on Adam4Adam. "No"
He said it was because he thought I looked like a guy on there with the longer hair and all.
He asked if I was new. "I'm recently out."
He asked how old. "33."
He asked if I had been married. "No"
He asked if I was going to be there tomorrow. "I think so."
We chatted a little bit more. He did more of it telling me about how he first knew he was gay. It was a kind of funny story.
The lights came up for last call. He went over and came back with a napkin and handed it to me. Told me to text him or Facebook friend him. I was overjoyed. It had is name and number on it. It still smells of marker and is sitting right next to me as I type this.
I think he's kinda cute. In my drunken state last night I described him as really cute.
So now I'm going to go shopping with my work friend (who I thankfully told yesterday I was gay). I need a new outfit similar, but different from what I wore last night, because I like that look. I want it to go with my sexy red shoes though. :)
I did leave the club shaking and crying a little last night, but it was because something truly amazing happened that I just never in a million years expected to happen that night.
I went online and got a couple things I found and wanted and a reward to myself. I'm going to have to stop doing that kind of rewarding though because I'm beginning to become a bit of a shopaholic. :)
Damn. I'm actually doing this. I'm actually stepping out into the dating world. I may be reading too much into the name and number thing. This guy has a lot of Facebook friends (I know I stalked him), but if he's even just a new friend that works there and can help me get to know some people that's great.
Like I said yesterday. I'm a kind, good and lovable person. I know he'll see that and it can only mean good things for me.
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Monday, August 6, 2012
My Not So Great Night Out
So last Saturday I decided it would be a good idea to go out to the club (the gay club). I was there with my friend a couple weeks ago. This was a big step for me. Not just because it was a gay club, but because it was the first time I have ever gone out to a bar/club alone ever, and it would really be the first time I'd gone out after truly accepting myself.
There was a pink theme that night, so I went shopping that day for some pink shirts. I got a light colored button down one at old navy and a white V-Neck (I love V-Necks). Then when I was at Wal-Mart I saw a great shirt and knew exactly what to do.
I thought it was pretty funny. It at least made me smile. :)
So I started out to the club around 9pm. About a mile or two away from it I had a panic attack. I think I've mentioned my social anxiety before. This wasn't a terrible panic attack, but it was a heart racing breathing quickly fight or flight kind of attack. I considered for a second or two turning the car around. I texted my friend just for a little reassurance as I got into the parking lot.
The place was relatively empty. I walked in and there was hardly anyone there. I had gotten there so early. Oh well. I took a place at the bar and ordered a double rum and diet and sat.
The place started to fill up. I kept at the bar. I never moved except to get up to go to the bathroom.
I saw a lot of people who appeared to know each other. They were smiling and talking and carrying on. I was sitting and watching and drinking. After the second double I was much calmer (BTW I would go on to have two more doubles and a beer before 1am).
I seemed to have some sort of force field around me. people were sitting at every other chair at the octagonal bar, but the two chars to my right and one to my left were virtually empty (occasionally someone would sit a seat away from me while waiting for the bartender to go to them).
I didn't talk with anyone and no one talked with me. It was probably because I was a new face.
A couple guys caught my eye. One was sitting a couple chairs away from me. He was really good looking. I kept looking at him. He too was just sitting there, not talking to anyone and drinking. A couple times I thought about going over and trying to talk with him, but I'd never done that before with anyone. I don't speak to people I don't know. Maybe if I had some friends there to build up my confidence and console me when I'd inevitably get shot down it would have been different. Who knows.
About 1:50 (the bars are required to close at 2am) a guy sat down near me. He leaned in and made a motion like a phone to me. Basically asking for my number. He was by far not my type. Too old. Too ethnic. And he didn't speak English as his first language (I know that sounds kind of bad, but since being able to carry on a conversation is important to me that's a real deal breaker... it should probably go on the list).
It was obvious even to me, a completely inexperienced newcomer to the dating world (that's the entire dating world, not just the gay one), that he was looking for a hookup and was trying to grab at the last person he could to get it. I may have some low self esteem, but I have some high self respect.
So that was the first night. On the way home I just started crying uncontrollably. I couldn't stop. I didn't know why. What had gone so wrong that I was affected in this way? Was it just the alcohol? Was something trying to tell me that this is really not the romantic/sexual path for me?
I turned in for the night, but not before relieve a little bit of pent up stress (yes that is a euphemism). The next morning I was still feeling down. In my crying fit I had texted my friend to tell him about it. He texted me back and we started talking through texts.
He kept telling me that just going was an accomplishment. That I shouldn't have expected anything to happen the first night. I told him that I was still determined to go back, but the crying had scared me. I almost felt like this was not for me and that I just shouldn't try to date and go back to the way things had been.
At some point I got up and went into the bathroom. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I looked hard at myself and said, "I don't look UNattractive." The thing is I REALLY meant it. I wasn't just saying it in an attempt to make myself feel better. I was saying it because if I were sitting across from the bar from someone who looked like me I'd be thinking it.
That gave me a boost of confidence and I realized that is probably what the crying was about. My confidence had been shaken by the night, but at the same time bolstered too. Now I'm thinking that the more I go to the bar the more familiar I'll get with the place. The more at ease I'll be. I may even be able to make a friend on the staff (or at least have a passing recognition from them).
This Friday I'm going back with my sister in law and her friend. It should be fun to be there not by myself. We'll see how it all goes.
I thought it was pretty funny. It at least made me smile. :)
So I started out to the club around 9pm. About a mile or two away from it I had a panic attack. I think I've mentioned my social anxiety before. This wasn't a terrible panic attack, but it was a heart racing breathing quickly fight or flight kind of attack. I considered for a second or two turning the car around. I texted my friend just for a little reassurance as I got into the parking lot.
The place was relatively empty. I walked in and there was hardly anyone there. I had gotten there so early. Oh well. I took a place at the bar and ordered a double rum and diet and sat.
The place started to fill up. I kept at the bar. I never moved except to get up to go to the bathroom.
I saw a lot of people who appeared to know each other. They were smiling and talking and carrying on. I was sitting and watching and drinking. After the second double I was much calmer (BTW I would go on to have two more doubles and a beer before 1am).
I seemed to have some sort of force field around me. people were sitting at every other chair at the octagonal bar, but the two chars to my right and one to my left were virtually empty (occasionally someone would sit a seat away from me while waiting for the bartender to go to them).
I didn't talk with anyone and no one talked with me. It was probably because I was a new face.
A couple guys caught my eye. One was sitting a couple chairs away from me. He was really good looking. I kept looking at him. He too was just sitting there, not talking to anyone and drinking. A couple times I thought about going over and trying to talk with him, but I'd never done that before with anyone. I don't speak to people I don't know. Maybe if I had some friends there to build up my confidence and console me when I'd inevitably get shot down it would have been different. Who knows.
About 1:50 (the bars are required to close at 2am) a guy sat down near me. He leaned in and made a motion like a phone to me. Basically asking for my number. He was by far not my type. Too old. Too ethnic. And he didn't speak English as his first language (I know that sounds kind of bad, but since being able to carry on a conversation is important to me that's a real deal breaker... it should probably go on the list).
It was obvious even to me, a completely inexperienced newcomer to the dating world (that's the entire dating world, not just the gay one), that he was looking for a hookup and was trying to grab at the last person he could to get it. I may have some low self esteem, but I have some high self respect.
So that was the first night. On the way home I just started crying uncontrollably. I couldn't stop. I didn't know why. What had gone so wrong that I was affected in this way? Was it just the alcohol? Was something trying to tell me that this is really not the romantic/sexual path for me?
I turned in for the night, but not before relieve a little bit of pent up stress (yes that is a euphemism). The next morning I was still feeling down. In my crying fit I had texted my friend to tell him about it. He texted me back and we started talking through texts.
He kept telling me that just going was an accomplishment. That I shouldn't have expected anything to happen the first night. I told him that I was still determined to go back, but the crying had scared me. I almost felt like this was not for me and that I just shouldn't try to date and go back to the way things had been.
At some point I got up and went into the bathroom. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I looked hard at myself and said, "I don't look UNattractive." The thing is I REALLY meant it. I wasn't just saying it in an attempt to make myself feel better. I was saying it because if I were sitting across from the bar from someone who looked like me I'd be thinking it.
That gave me a boost of confidence and I realized that is probably what the crying was about. My confidence had been shaken by the night, but at the same time bolstered too. Now I'm thinking that the more I go to the bar the more familiar I'll get with the place. The more at ease I'll be. I may even be able to make a friend on the staff (or at least have a passing recognition from them).
This Friday I'm going back with my sister in law and her friend. It should be fun to be there not by myself. We'll see how it all goes.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
August is Off To a Great Start
So I'm kind of jazzed. Tomorrow is the first therapist appointment after coming out to my brother and his wife. I've made a lot of progress since my last appointment and I hope to discuss it with my therapist and see what she thinks. Am I moving too fast? Does she think I'm doing well, or am I delusional?
It's amazing how much has changed in such a short time. I was texting my friend, and I realize that all my thinking about not wanting sex and not being a sexual person was a bunch of bull. I was repressing. I'm not saying that there is no such thing as an asexual. I do believe that exists, but I don't believe that's me any longer. I really, REALLY want sex. It's just I want it with another guy. :)
I still don't plan on becoming one of those blogger horn dogs I talked about a while ago, but I do plan on trying to find a partner or two (maybe at the same time). :D
I broke down and installed Grindr on my phone. One of the things that was holding me back was my brother being able to get into and look at my phone. I didn't want him to find out about me by stumbling onto those apps. I freaked out once when he was looking at my new phone because I have my Plenty of Fish and Match.com apps on there and they're set to men. Now that he knows I don't really care if he sees them.
So I've even gotten a couple people to message me on Grindr. That's amazing to me. I'm not really that hot (at least I don't think). I'm not going to use it to hook up. If I'm going to hook up with someone it's going to be because we met out in the real world, got to know each other a little, and decided to throw some caution to the wind. Not because of a booty call.
But the biggest thing for me today was getting two guys to message me on Plenty of Fish. The first was the guy I talked about a while back who I exchanged just a couple messages with and never heard back from. He messaged me again. I was at work. He had to go to work, but I said I wanted to message him again, so we'll see how that goes.
The second guy was someone who I messaged a couple days ago. I'd be fine if this one just becomes a friend because he's into cars (me not so much, but I can appreciate), computers, and video games. He is kinda cute in a dorky sort of way too which appeals to me.
So who knows by the end of August I may get to have my first kiss, or date, or maybe even get laid (though I highly doubt it). All I know for certain is that I'm much happier with myself now. Much calmer in my skin. I think just coming to this realization once and for all about myself has been what I've needed all along.
It's amazing how much has changed in such a short time. I was texting my friend, and I realize that all my thinking about not wanting sex and not being a sexual person was a bunch of bull. I was repressing. I'm not saying that there is no such thing as an asexual. I do believe that exists, but I don't believe that's me any longer. I really, REALLY want sex. It's just I want it with another guy. :)
I still don't plan on becoming one of those blogger horn dogs I talked about a while ago, but I do plan on trying to find a partner or two (maybe at the same time). :D
I broke down and installed Grindr on my phone. One of the things that was holding me back was my brother being able to get into and look at my phone. I didn't want him to find out about me by stumbling onto those apps. I freaked out once when he was looking at my new phone because I have my Plenty of Fish and Match.com apps on there and they're set to men. Now that he knows I don't really care if he sees them.
So I've even gotten a couple people to message me on Grindr. That's amazing to me. I'm not really that hot (at least I don't think). I'm not going to use it to hook up. If I'm going to hook up with someone it's going to be because we met out in the real world, got to know each other a little, and decided to throw some caution to the wind. Not because of a booty call.
But the biggest thing for me today was getting two guys to message me on Plenty of Fish. The first was the guy I talked about a while back who I exchanged just a couple messages with and never heard back from. He messaged me again. I was at work. He had to go to work, but I said I wanted to message him again, so we'll see how that goes.
The second guy was someone who I messaged a couple days ago. I'd be fine if this one just becomes a friend because he's into cars (me not so much, but I can appreciate), computers, and video games. He is kinda cute in a dorky sort of way too which appeals to me.
So who knows by the end of August I may get to have my first kiss, or date, or maybe even get laid (though I highly doubt it). All I know for certain is that I'm much happier with myself now. Much calmer in my skin. I think just coming to this realization once and for all about myself has been what I've needed all along.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Dating Rules
Ok. Now that I've settled on who I'm going to date I think I need to sent some ground rules (there may be an item or two here that will give myself away to the reader who knows me personally, but I seriously doubt anyone I know has stumbled onto this blog.
1. Must have intelligence. That doesn't mean an education necessarily. It means that they need to not act stupid. There are many people who have intelligence, but never cultivated that with school. You can learn about someone's intelligence just by talking to them, so this should be fairly simple to apply.
2. Should range in age from just older than my kid brother to a few years older than me. This should put their age at around 26/27 to 36/37. It's not that big of a deal, but I don't like the idea of someone several years older than me. I also don't like the idea of seriously dating someone younger than my bother, though I may be willing to do other things with them.
3. They cannot be named Kyle. :) I'm kind of firm on this one. My bother's name is Kyle. He has a friend named Kyle (who has also become a friend of mine). His wife has a friend Kyle and her husband Kyle (who I have also gotten to know). We have a cousin who married a Kyle. At work there is a Kyle. The soon to be ex-husband of my best friend at work is named Kyle. And the friend I've been telling you about has just introduced me to an old boyfriend of his that's named Kyle (which is annoying because we share some interests, but the idea was that he can be a more local gay friend to get to know).
I once went out to the movies with about half of these Kyles. It was nice because I could call on every one else by just saying one name, but can you imaging what it would be like to have a boyfriend with the name name as my bother? Now a boyfriend with my name would be just plain cool.
4. No sex. Well not no sex, but we both have to be ready for it, and I know that I'll probably be the holdout. I want a relationship based on something other than physical pleasure. The more I think about it the more I won't preclude the possibility of a one night stand, but I don't think you can base a real relationship on something like that.
I'm sure there will be other rules to add to the list, but these four will govern me for now.
1. Must have intelligence. That doesn't mean an education necessarily. It means that they need to not act stupid. There are many people who have intelligence, but never cultivated that with school. You can learn about someone's intelligence just by talking to them, so this should be fairly simple to apply.
2. Should range in age from just older than my kid brother to a few years older than me. This should put their age at around 26/27 to 36/37. It's not that big of a deal, but I don't like the idea of someone several years older than me. I also don't like the idea of seriously dating someone younger than my bother, though I may be willing to do other things with them.
3. They cannot be named Kyle. :) I'm kind of firm on this one. My bother's name is Kyle. He has a friend named Kyle (who has also become a friend of mine). His wife has a friend Kyle and her husband Kyle (who I have also gotten to know). We have a cousin who married a Kyle. At work there is a Kyle. The soon to be ex-husband of my best friend at work is named Kyle. And the friend I've been telling you about has just introduced me to an old boyfriend of his that's named Kyle (which is annoying because we share some interests, but the idea was that he can be a more local gay friend to get to know).
I once went out to the movies with about half of these Kyles. It was nice because I could call on every one else by just saying one name, but can you imaging what it would be like to have a boyfriend with the name name as my bother? Now a boyfriend with my name would be just plain cool.
4. No sex. Well not no sex, but we both have to be ready for it, and I know that I'll probably be the holdout. I want a relationship based on something other than physical pleasure. The more I think about it the more I won't preclude the possibility of a one night stand, but I don't think you can base a real relationship on something like that.
I'm sure there will be other rules to add to the list, but these four will govern me for now.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Perspective
So I've been given a different perspective. I haven't been doing all that great with my assignment from the therapist, but the successes I've had with it have given me a little perspective that I think was the entire point of it exercise.
I need to experience confidence. I need to choose to be confident. Confident in who I am. Confident in what I've accomplished. Confident in what I hope to still accomplish.
I experienced a perfect moment of confidence on Saturday. I had a great conversation with someone when I went to weigh in at the Weight Watchers center. We discussed both of our histories a little and she told me a little about her husband who was just beginning to start down the path of weight loss.
After that conversation I was filled with confidence. I can talk to people, and I do have interesting things to say to them.
My friend that I visited a couple weeks ago is in town visiting family this week. He came over yesterday and we had a long conversation about stuff. Basically it was a continuation of the stuff we were discussing last time we talked. Stuff about him and stuff about me.
It took me a while, but was able to open up to him about a lot of things I've never really told anyone before. Some of my fears when it comes to having a relationship (both sexual and non-sexual). My private moments (i.e. the types of adult films I've watched, the fantasies I had when I was a teenager, the crushes I had).
It was tough at first to get some of it out, but after I did it felt good to have voiced out loud some of the things I was worried about, see how someone else reacted to it, and recognize and accept things in myself because of that.
I'm not sure if that quite makes since. Basically I feel a bit more at ease and calm. I'm not ready to shout certain things from the rooftop yet, but I don't feel as fearful of doing it.
I actually feel more ready to date (which is amazing). I'm a little excited to try to do it. It's going to be a task to find someone to do it with, and I'm going to want to start it more like a new friendship at first and ease into it.
And I think I've decided that I do feel like I would be more comfortable with another guy in the end. I'm not completely writing off the idea of ending up with a girl, but I feel more confident about having a relationship with a guy.
Now we'll see how well I'm able to articulate this to my therapist on Friday. :)
I need to experience confidence. I need to choose to be confident. Confident in who I am. Confident in what I've accomplished. Confident in what I hope to still accomplish.
I experienced a perfect moment of confidence on Saturday. I had a great conversation with someone when I went to weigh in at the Weight Watchers center. We discussed both of our histories a little and she told me a little about her husband who was just beginning to start down the path of weight loss.
After that conversation I was filled with confidence. I can talk to people, and I do have interesting things to say to them.
My friend that I visited a couple weeks ago is in town visiting family this week. He came over yesterday and we had a long conversation about stuff. Basically it was a continuation of the stuff we were discussing last time we talked. Stuff about him and stuff about me.
It took me a while, but was able to open up to him about a lot of things I've never really told anyone before. Some of my fears when it comes to having a relationship (both sexual and non-sexual). My private moments (i.e. the types of adult films I've watched, the fantasies I had when I was a teenager, the crushes I had).
It was tough at first to get some of it out, but after I did it felt good to have voiced out loud some of the things I was worried about, see how someone else reacted to it, and recognize and accept things in myself because of that.
I'm not sure if that quite makes since. Basically I feel a bit more at ease and calm. I'm not ready to shout certain things from the rooftop yet, but I don't feel as fearful of doing it.
I actually feel more ready to date (which is amazing). I'm a little excited to try to do it. It's going to be a task to find someone to do it with, and I'm going to want to start it more like a new friendship at first and ease into it.
And I think I've decided that I do feel like I would be more comfortable with another guy in the end. I'm not completely writing off the idea of ending up with a girl, but I feel more confident about having a relationship with a guy.
Now we'll see how well I'm able to articulate this to my therapist on Friday. :)
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
This is Not Me Backsliding
The title says what it says because I think the post is going to convey the opposite.
I'm just frustrated, I think. Like I was telling my friend this weekend (and I'm sure I've mentioned it here) I'm upset with myself that it's taken me so much time to tiptoe out into the world of dating (gay or straight). It's making me impatient.
Nothing is moving fast enough for me. Not my therapy. Not my own understanding of what I really want and desire. Not my feeble attempts on online dating sites.
I exchanged exactly 2 messages with the guy I spoke about earlier. His last message was, short, cryptic, and didn't really continue or start any type of a conversation (and the message before that was the one where he said my initial message pissed him off). You can tell from my posts I'm not really a quiet person when I've got a computer keyboard between me and the other person, so having conversations a sentence at a time was annoying. So I just wrote it off as him not being interested, because from that short exchange I knew that I sure wasn't.
So tonight I messaged someone else. I thought it was kind of cute. He lived in the same town my friend does too (which I thought was kind of cool). I kept it pretty simple, but at the same time tried to make it longer then just a sentence. I kind of wrote it as "if you respond great, if not OK" kind of thing. Of course that's the way I'd want it to be, but in reality I was sitting on pins and needles waiting for a response.
I saw that he checked my profile, but he didn't respond back. I couldn't blame him because I'm not sure I'd respond back to me.
I just don't like having to figure all this out. I don't like the lost feeling I have when I try to write a message. And I know I'm going to have the same feelings (or worse) should anything move to an actual face to face meeting. I don't have the experience of other people my age who've been dating for 10 or 15 years.
I just have this feeling that I lost before I even started trying. I missed my opportunity to find someone.
Maybe it's just that the online thing isn't for me, but then I have no idea how to do the old fashioned way at my age. I'm thinking about asking my friend to take me to a gay bar/hangout over labor day weekend, but he's in a college town so there will probably be a lot of younger guys there just looking to hookup (and some of them may even get drunk enough to consider me). I'm not really looking to just hook up. One thing I do know is that doesn't really appeal to me (I'm not completely ruling out the possibility it could happen, but it's not high up on my list of things I want to do).
I also don't know of anyone I can really ask to fix me up. I have a limited pool of friends to draw from, and I'm not wanting to discuss what's going on in my head with them right now. Plus many of them are looking on their own, so I don't see that working out well.
There's a part of me that just wants to cry over it all. I told myself a while ago not to get my hopes up, and never to expect to fall in love, and here I am almost 8 years later doing just that. Back then I didn't think it would ever be possible, but now I think it may be, and I kick myself for writing it off. It would have been easier to enter the dating world at 26 (although I would have been about 100+ lbs. heavier) then it is to try to do it at 33.
OK. So I let it out. Yeah it's a broken record of some of the stuff I've written before (insecurities don't just vanish overnight). I do feel better just getting things off my mind sometimes though, and that's one of the reasons I started doing this.
I'm just frustrated, I think. Like I was telling my friend this weekend (and I'm sure I've mentioned it here) I'm upset with myself that it's taken me so much time to tiptoe out into the world of dating (gay or straight). It's making me impatient.
Nothing is moving fast enough for me. Not my therapy. Not my own understanding of what I really want and desire. Not my feeble attempts on online dating sites.
I exchanged exactly 2 messages with the guy I spoke about earlier. His last message was, short, cryptic, and didn't really continue or start any type of a conversation (and the message before that was the one where he said my initial message pissed him off). You can tell from my posts I'm not really a quiet person when I've got a computer keyboard between me and the other person, so having conversations a sentence at a time was annoying. So I just wrote it off as him not being interested, because from that short exchange I knew that I sure wasn't.
So tonight I messaged someone else. I thought it was kind of cute. He lived in the same town my friend does too (which I thought was kind of cool). I kept it pretty simple, but at the same time tried to make it longer then just a sentence. I kind of wrote it as "if you respond great, if not OK" kind of thing. Of course that's the way I'd want it to be, but in reality I was sitting on pins and needles waiting for a response.
I saw that he checked my profile, but he didn't respond back. I couldn't blame him because I'm not sure I'd respond back to me.
I just don't like having to figure all this out. I don't like the lost feeling I have when I try to write a message. And I know I'm going to have the same feelings (or worse) should anything move to an actual face to face meeting. I don't have the experience of other people my age who've been dating for 10 or 15 years.
I just have this feeling that I lost before I even started trying. I missed my opportunity to find someone.
Maybe it's just that the online thing isn't for me, but then I have no idea how to do the old fashioned way at my age. I'm thinking about asking my friend to take me to a gay bar/hangout over labor day weekend, but he's in a college town so there will probably be a lot of younger guys there just looking to hookup (and some of them may even get drunk enough to consider me). I'm not really looking to just hook up. One thing I do know is that doesn't really appeal to me (I'm not completely ruling out the possibility it could happen, but it's not high up on my list of things I want to do).
I also don't know of anyone I can really ask to fix me up. I have a limited pool of friends to draw from, and I'm not wanting to discuss what's going on in my head with them right now. Plus many of them are looking on their own, so I don't see that working out well.
There's a part of me that just wants to cry over it all. I told myself a while ago not to get my hopes up, and never to expect to fall in love, and here I am almost 8 years later doing just that. Back then I didn't think it would ever be possible, but now I think it may be, and I kick myself for writing it off. It would have been easier to enter the dating world at 26 (although I would have been about 100+ lbs. heavier) then it is to try to do it at 33.
OK. So I let it out. Yeah it's a broken record of some of the stuff I've written before (insecurities don't just vanish overnight). I do feel better just getting things off my mind sometimes though, and that's one of the reasons I started doing this.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
My Night as A Pseudo Extrovert
So I just got back from my night out. The first night I've gone out relatively alone ever. I did meet up with a friend of my mom and step-father, but she's only a couple years older then me and is married to a member of the local band I was there to see, so that gives me instant cred that I was happy to have.
Anyway. It took a couple drinks to get me to open up a little. I think alcohol always helps introverts become more extroverted. BTW I'm a responsible drunk, so after 5 martini's I cut myself off and drank water for two+ hours.
Anyway I was sitting there and two girls came up and asked to sat at my table (I was the only one there at the time). One was OK. The other was blonde and smoking. I think I've alluded to the fact that I can appreciate both the male and female figure. I'm not saying that I'm definitely bi, but I can tell when a girl is at least ascetically pleasing (just for the record there was a guy behind them that was equally pleasing to look at).
So I get to talking with the smoking hot one. Not much. Just want do you do. Relating what she did to what a family member of mine did. I was actually a little proud of my skills in the situation, but I admit it was the 4 vodka martini's doing a lot of the talking.
So the band is on a break and starts crowding around our table. The wife of the band member starts talking to her husband and saying that she had some friends who were supposed to show up, but didn't have room for them anymore and stuff like that. The girls apologized, got up and left.
I now know what it's like to be totally cock blocked. I'm not saying that I had any chance in a million years with either of these girls even though they were noticeably intoxicated.
The reasoning is first that they were too far out of my league. I know I not that hot. The second is because even if they were drunk enough that I was looking good there isn't enough drinks in the world that can get me to start thinking that it's a good idea to take advantage of that.
I'm a responsible drunk and I know that takes into account not doing something stupid like having a one night stand with a drunk person (not that I fault anyone for doing that I just know that I CANNOT be that person).
What's worse is that the band member's wife's friends show up and like barely were there. They sat for a song then half of them let for another bar. Another went and sat at the table next to us and finally the last one left because her other friends had gone. That's just not right.
But still I take a little solace in the fact that they asked to sit with me. Yes there was no one else at the table at the time, but that still says something doesn't it. Maybe with beer goggles I'm at least half way OK?
I don't know. All I know is I'm kind sobered up from the night and for once I'm actually a little happy with myself. I did have a good time. I think I can make this work. I may even be able to do it with a little less alcohol next time.
I think it was a good night, don't you?
Anyway. It took a couple drinks to get me to open up a little. I think alcohol always helps introverts become more extroverted. BTW I'm a responsible drunk, so after 5 martini's I cut myself off and drank water for two+ hours.
Anyway I was sitting there and two girls came up and asked to sat at my table (I was the only one there at the time). One was OK. The other was blonde and smoking. I think I've alluded to the fact that I can appreciate both the male and female figure. I'm not saying that I'm definitely bi, but I can tell when a girl is at least ascetically pleasing (just for the record there was a guy behind them that was equally pleasing to look at).
So I get to talking with the smoking hot one. Not much. Just want do you do. Relating what she did to what a family member of mine did. I was actually a little proud of my skills in the situation, but I admit it was the 4 vodka martini's doing a lot of the talking.
So the band is on a break and starts crowding around our table. The wife of the band member starts talking to her husband and saying that she had some friends who were supposed to show up, but didn't have room for them anymore and stuff like that. The girls apologized, got up and left.
I now know what it's like to be totally cock blocked. I'm not saying that I had any chance in a million years with either of these girls even though they were noticeably intoxicated.
The reasoning is first that they were too far out of my league. I know I not that hot. The second is because even if they were drunk enough that I was looking good there isn't enough drinks in the world that can get me to start thinking that it's a good idea to take advantage of that.
I'm a responsible drunk and I know that takes into account not doing something stupid like having a one night stand with a drunk person (not that I fault anyone for doing that I just know that I CANNOT be that person).
What's worse is that the band member's wife's friends show up and like barely were there. They sat for a song then half of them let for another bar. Another went and sat at the table next to us and finally the last one left because her other friends had gone. That's just not right.
But still I take a little solace in the fact that they asked to sit with me. Yes there was no one else at the table at the time, but that still says something doesn't it. Maybe with beer goggles I'm at least half way OK?
I don't know. All I know is I'm kind sobered up from the night and for once I'm actually a little happy with myself. I did have a good time. I think I can make this work. I may even be able to do it with a little less alcohol next time.
I think it was a good night, don't you?
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Allow Me To Vent for a Moment
I just got back from my normal Thursday night of league pool with friends. It's really the only night I go out each week. We were talking and somehow the topic turned to how old we all were (one of my friends guessed my age and was only a year under to which he replied, "and I was lowballing it"). At 33 (almost 34) I'm the youngest of the group.
At the very end of the night the jukebox started playing songs from their high school/middle school days, and I was relating how I was only 5 in the early 80's when some of these songs came out.
I say I want to vent because since there was talk about high school there was also talk about young love relationships and going to prom. Not much mind you, only a small little bit. But that small bit just kinda got to me.
One of the guys on my team is married. The girl has been married and is currently dating. The other guy I don't really know that well (we don't talk much... it's that weird he's their friend and I'm their friend, but we're not really friends kind of thing), but I assume he has dated/is dating.
My point is that if the discussion had gotten going more with other people contributing I would have had nothing. I didn't have a high school romance. I didn't have a college romance. I haven't had an adult romance (of course I basically said all this in my first post). I will never have those sorts nostalgic memories to add to the conversation.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I'm never going to have a romance. I still have hope that something will happen someday, but I can never go back and change the past. I'm never going to have the memory of being a teenager in love. I'm never going to know what it was like kick my roommate out of my dorm room (but I do know what it's like to be the one kicked out).
It just makes me... sad. I know you'll probably say that I can make lovely memories from this point forward. That may be true (although right now I still have times where I find it difficult to believe anyone could fall for me), but it's not going to be the same.
Of course just thinking about the possibility of having a relationship leads me down the path of anxiety and asking, "what if." What if I do find someone who's crazy enough to go out on a date with me? What will it be like? How should I act? What if I withdraw so much because of my introversion and shyness and have nothing to say or come across as cold and uninterested? Should I tell them that it's my first date? How can I tell what their body language is telling me, because I know I'm completely clueless there.
Then what happens if we try to kiss? Can I be a good kisser having never done it before? How can I tell if I should initiate the kiss? What happens if things get serious?
And it's thinking like that (and a much poorer self image) that put me in this situation to begin with. Ugh. I can't believe that such a simple, off the cuff comment could cause me so much turmoil. I was having a good night too, but for some reason this just started eating at me.
I know, I know, I'm most likely making a much larger deal out of this then it should be. I really think that at my next appointment I need to get the courage to bring some of this up. We touched on it during my initial appointment. To which the therapist said, "you're still young." But over the last two weeks it's just been weighing on me more and more.
There are some days where it would have been easier if I had just stayed my 400 lbs. self. I knew how to be that person. I was miserable, but I knew better who I was when I was him. I'm not saying I want to go back. It's just... right now I'm lost.
At the very end of the night the jukebox started playing songs from their high school/middle school days, and I was relating how I was only 5 in the early 80's when some of these songs came out.
I say I want to vent because since there was talk about high school there was also talk about young love relationships and going to prom. Not much mind you, only a small little bit. But that small bit just kinda got to me.
One of the guys on my team is married. The girl has been married and is currently dating. The other guy I don't really know that well (we don't talk much... it's that weird he's their friend and I'm their friend, but we're not really friends kind of thing), but I assume he has dated/is dating.
My point is that if the discussion had gotten going more with other people contributing I would have had nothing. I didn't have a high school romance. I didn't have a college romance. I haven't had an adult romance (of course I basically said all this in my first post). I will never have those sorts nostalgic memories to add to the conversation.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I'm never going to have a romance. I still have hope that something will happen someday, but I can never go back and change the past. I'm never going to have the memory of being a teenager in love. I'm never going to know what it was like kick my roommate out of my dorm room (but I do know what it's like to be the one kicked out).
It just makes me... sad. I know you'll probably say that I can make lovely memories from this point forward. That may be true (although right now I still have times where I find it difficult to believe anyone could fall for me), but it's not going to be the same.
Of course just thinking about the possibility of having a relationship leads me down the path of anxiety and asking, "what if." What if I do find someone who's crazy enough to go out on a date with me? What will it be like? How should I act? What if I withdraw so much because of my introversion and shyness and have nothing to say or come across as cold and uninterested? Should I tell them that it's my first date? How can I tell what their body language is telling me, because I know I'm completely clueless there.
Then what happens if we try to kiss? Can I be a good kisser having never done it before? How can I tell if I should initiate the kiss? What happens if things get serious?
And it's thinking like that (and a much poorer self image) that put me in this situation to begin with. Ugh. I can't believe that such a simple, off the cuff comment could cause me so much turmoil. I was having a good night too, but for some reason this just started eating at me.
I know, I know, I'm most likely making a much larger deal out of this then it should be. I really think that at my next appointment I need to get the courage to bring some of this up. We touched on it during my initial appointment. To which the therapist said, "you're still young." But over the last two weeks it's just been weighing on me more and more.
There are some days where it would have been easier if I had just stayed my 400 lbs. self. I knew how to be that person. I was miserable, but I knew better who I was when I was him. I'm not saying I want to go back. It's just... right now I'm lost.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Came Across Something in the Book
Ok. So I've been mentioning my therapist suggested I read Quiet at my first session. I have been reading it and loving it.
I'm nearing the end of the book now and it's starting to shift focus to how an introvert should adapt to a world of extroverts. I came across a passage that just freaked me out a little.
It talked about being an introvert, craving a relationship, but hating the bar scene and such. It mentioned that you may have to make a pact with yourself to put yourself in those types of social situations.
It's not that I hadn't considered that, but reading it somehow make it click for me. At some point I will need to try to get out there. My only problem is figuring out how to do it.
I mean I don't really have the group of friends to go out with. Most are either married or as introverted as I am and therefore no real help. My most extroverted friend is a girl and it would mean that either I'm the third wheel to her and her boyfriend or we'd be going out together which doesn't make it look like I'm available (unless of course I'm thinking of going the guy route).
I'm also not confident that even if I do get myself to go somewhere that I won't just sit at the bar and isolate myself like a typical wallflower.
Plus there's the question of where to go. If I go down town I'd expect to be dealing with a lot more college aged people. I don't think I could really relate. The outer edge of town where I live tend to be more country bars and such and that's not as much my style. And I have absolutely no idea how to break into the gay scene (although I do have a friend who may be able to help with that, but I'm not ready to confide in him yet). Plus my searches so far have come up with one main bar and some of the pictures from it kinda turn me off.
I know a lot of this is probably just excuses for the real problem which is I have absolutely no idea how to act in this sort of a situation. I'm not a hunter. I'm the one who wants someone to come up to them, but I just don't think I'm attractive enough to get someone to come up to me.
I know if I was a little more confident in the way I looked then maybe that would put out a aura that would make me seem more approachable (really there are physical cues that can do that). But I'm not certain I can do that.
I just know that I can't just sit around here like this too much longer. I need my time alone, but no man is an island and there are times when I crave the social life that seems to come so easily to so many people.
I'm nearing the end of the book now and it's starting to shift focus to how an introvert should adapt to a world of extroverts. I came across a passage that just freaked me out a little.
It talked about being an introvert, craving a relationship, but hating the bar scene and such. It mentioned that you may have to make a pact with yourself to put yourself in those types of social situations.
It's not that I hadn't considered that, but reading it somehow make it click for me. At some point I will need to try to get out there. My only problem is figuring out how to do it.
I mean I don't really have the group of friends to go out with. Most are either married or as introverted as I am and therefore no real help. My most extroverted friend is a girl and it would mean that either I'm the third wheel to her and her boyfriend or we'd be going out together which doesn't make it look like I'm available (unless of course I'm thinking of going the guy route).
I'm also not confident that even if I do get myself to go somewhere that I won't just sit at the bar and isolate myself like a typical wallflower.
Plus there's the question of where to go. If I go down town I'd expect to be dealing with a lot more college aged people. I don't think I could really relate. The outer edge of town where I live tend to be more country bars and such and that's not as much my style. And I have absolutely no idea how to break into the gay scene (although I do have a friend who may be able to help with that, but I'm not ready to confide in him yet). Plus my searches so far have come up with one main bar and some of the pictures from it kinda turn me off.
I know a lot of this is probably just excuses for the real problem which is I have absolutely no idea how to act in this sort of a situation. I'm not a hunter. I'm the one who wants someone to come up to them, but I just don't think I'm attractive enough to get someone to come up to me.
I know if I was a little more confident in the way I looked then maybe that would put out a aura that would make me seem more approachable (really there are physical cues that can do that). But I'm not certain I can do that.
I just know that I can't just sit around here like this too much longer. I need my time alone, but no man is an island and there are times when I crave the social life that seems to come so easily to so many people.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Would It Be Fair?
So I'm wondering something. Not that anyone's going to have an opinion on this because no one is really reading. :) As I mentioned in my very first post I set up a couple profiles on a few dating sites. I set them up searching for other guys because I was pretty sure (and still lean toward) that I would be more into guys then girls.
Now though I've been thinking of changing one of both of the profiles to be toward girls. I tried to keep the profile as generic as I could with the specific idea that I could switch it if I wanted to, but I don't know if it's the right thing to do.
I do question if I could be with a girl. Part of me wants to try it and find out. I'm pretty sure at one point I mentioned the night out with a good friend of mine. That helped fuel my confusion even more. I was purposefully avoiding looking at her as anything other than a friend, so I was actively trying to avoid feeling anything more than that for her. But I did enjoy myself.
I know that's hardly an emphatic declaration of my love of the V over the P, but it did inform my questioning.
I guess what I'm afraid of is that if I do decide to try dating a girl first I run the risk of really hurting someone. It seems like less of a risk with a guy (but I know it's still a risk there). Plus as I've said before I think I can picture being with a guy better then being with a girl.
It's just confusing because I don't know what thoughts are informed by what I truly desire and raw emotion and what thoughts are just the product of this crazy, crazy brain of mine trying to over think things.
I just don't feel like my body is telling me anything and that is where the problem lies. I honestly believe I could fall in love with either, but I just can't tell for certain which will fulfill me physically if I even really need that.
Is it right for me to even consider trying to date a girl when there's a part of me that seems to feel I'll end up with a guy? Is it right to use a girl like training wheels? Some of this would be simpler for me if I'd just been on one lousy date.
I'm worried that this idea of me switching to girls is just because I want to be in a relationship so badly that I'm doing it out of desperation. I mean it wold be very hard to find a guy. First you have to find a guy that's into guys. Then you have to find a guy that's into you and one that you think you can be into too. Then you have to hope they understand that you're not ready to publicly declare yourself, and you have worry that the're looking for something more physical then emotional (which is what I'm looking for). It's all just such a mess that yes... girls seem easier.
In other news the book idea has stalled out. I want to get back to doing it, but I've realized that I think I need to approach it from a different angle. I need to get more into the internal stuff. I was writing it with flashbacks and such and that was getting gimmicky and hard to get really work out. I think I need to treat it more like an exploration of self. Maybe a story starting in high school rather than out? Maybe still keeping it as looking back, but focus more on the internal questioning and bring the flashbacks in when they inform the inner dialog. It's all just a jumble right now.
Now though I've been thinking of changing one of both of the profiles to be toward girls. I tried to keep the profile as generic as I could with the specific idea that I could switch it if I wanted to, but I don't know if it's the right thing to do.
I do question if I could be with a girl. Part of me wants to try it and find out. I'm pretty sure at one point I mentioned the night out with a good friend of mine. That helped fuel my confusion even more. I was purposefully avoiding looking at her as anything other than a friend, so I was actively trying to avoid feeling anything more than that for her. But I did enjoy myself.
I know that's hardly an emphatic declaration of my love of the V over the P, but it did inform my questioning.
I guess what I'm afraid of is that if I do decide to try dating a girl first I run the risk of really hurting someone. It seems like less of a risk with a guy (but I know it's still a risk there). Plus as I've said before I think I can picture being with a guy better then being with a girl.
It's just confusing because I don't know what thoughts are informed by what I truly desire and raw emotion and what thoughts are just the product of this crazy, crazy brain of mine trying to over think things.
I just don't feel like my body is telling me anything and that is where the problem lies. I honestly believe I could fall in love with either, but I just can't tell for certain which will fulfill me physically if I even really need that.
Is it right for me to even consider trying to date a girl when there's a part of me that seems to feel I'll end up with a guy? Is it right to use a girl like training wheels? Some of this would be simpler for me if I'd just been on one lousy date.
I'm worried that this idea of me switching to girls is just because I want to be in a relationship so badly that I'm doing it out of desperation. I mean it wold be very hard to find a guy. First you have to find a guy that's into guys. Then you have to find a guy that's into you and one that you think you can be into too. Then you have to hope they understand that you're not ready to publicly declare yourself, and you have worry that the're looking for something more physical then emotional (which is what I'm looking for). It's all just such a mess that yes... girls seem easier.
In other news the book idea has stalled out. I want to get back to doing it, but I've realized that I think I need to approach it from a different angle. I need to get more into the internal stuff. I was writing it with flashbacks and such and that was getting gimmicky and hard to get really work out. I think I need to treat it more like an exploration of self. Maybe a story starting in high school rather than out? Maybe still keeping it as looking back, but focus more on the internal questioning and bring the flashbacks in when they inform the inner dialog. It's all just a jumble right now.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Courage
So I got up the courage to message the guy I mentioned a few posts ago. It was a simple message. Non-committal. I even mentioned I was a little new to the game and that if he wanted to run for the hills I wouldn't blame him. We'll see what happens.
Honestly I'm not sure if this was a good idea or a bad idea. I probably should have brought it up with my therapist today, but I just don't think we're quite ready to start delving into the murky waters that is my sexuality on the second session.
I would have been more hesitant if the guy was right around the corner, but he's over 100 miles away, so it's easier for me to just start up an e-mail relationship with him. By the time we get to discussing meeting in person I'll probably have a chance to ask my therapist if it's a good idea to be doing that at this stage.
I've dwelt for so many years on just what my sexuality is. The more and more I think about it the more and more I lean toward some kind of strange combination of homosexual leaning bisexual demisexual homoromatic leaning biromatic. Basically I'm 75% certain I'm gay, but I still question if I could have a heterosexual relationship. I'm fairly certain I'm highly romantic leaning and will most likely not feel comfortable engaging in sex until I'm in an established relationship. Honestly though I wonder if I throw the bi in there just to make me feel that there's hope of having a traditional life.
As I said before I believe I can see having a romantic relationship with a woman, but something about the idea of sex with a woman just doesn't feel right to me.
It's very hard to express urges and emotions that in theory I will feel. Until I actually try to pursue them I don't think I'm never going to know exactly what feels right.
One thing I do know is I get all mushy at every Degrassi, Glee, As the World Turn, etc., gay relationship I ever see. More mushy then I get at any straight relationship I catch (though those can still get to me).
I'm not going to pretend for a minute though that I have solved an issue that has been dogging me for 15+ years in a matter of days though. That's just plain crazy. I only know that if I don't start to try (and at the same time try to prepare myself for the ups and downs it's going to bring) I'll always be questioning and I'll never know the answer.
Honestly I'm not sure if this was a good idea or a bad idea. I probably should have brought it up with my therapist today, but I just don't think we're quite ready to start delving into the murky waters that is my sexuality on the second session.
I would have been more hesitant if the guy was right around the corner, but he's over 100 miles away, so it's easier for me to just start up an e-mail relationship with him. By the time we get to discussing meeting in person I'll probably have a chance to ask my therapist if it's a good idea to be doing that at this stage.
I've dwelt for so many years on just what my sexuality is. The more and more I think about it the more and more I lean toward some kind of strange combination of homosexual leaning bisexual demisexual homoromatic leaning biromatic. Basically I'm 75% certain I'm gay, but I still question if I could have a heterosexual relationship. I'm fairly certain I'm highly romantic leaning and will most likely not feel comfortable engaging in sex until I'm in an established relationship. Honestly though I wonder if I throw the bi in there just to make me feel that there's hope of having a traditional life.
As I said before I believe I can see having a romantic relationship with a woman, but something about the idea of sex with a woman just doesn't feel right to me.
It's very hard to express urges and emotions that in theory I will feel. Until I actually try to pursue them I don't think I'm never going to know exactly what feels right.
One thing I do know is I get all mushy at every Degrassi, Glee, As the World Turn, etc., gay relationship I ever see. More mushy then I get at any straight relationship I catch (though those can still get to me).
I'm not going to pretend for a minute though that I have solved an issue that has been dogging me for 15+ years in a matter of days though. That's just plain crazy. I only know that if I don't start to try (and at the same time try to prepare myself for the ups and downs it's going to bring) I'll always be questioning and I'll never know the answer.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
It's Not That I Don't Want to Have Sex...
I just don't see it as being a driving factor in a relationship. Maybe I don't really have that much of a sex drive. I know, I know I said in my very first post that I have a sex drive, and there are times when I feel like I'd like to experience it, but I don't have the need to go grab someone, throw them in a bed, and do bad things to them.
In all honesty the thought of sex before a relationship just doesn't seem to do anything for me. Maybe years of watching internet porn has desensitized me to meaningless sex. I just cannot imagine meeting someone, barely getting to know them, then taking them somewhere and going at each other.
I said before I had a sex drive based on the frequency of... well I'm sure you can guess. But just thinking about bringing another person who's physically there into the mix brings up some feelings of fear and anxiety. There may be some excitement mixed in there too, but honestly I can't tell.
Part of me is scared because it's something I've never done before. I'm afraid that I'm going to do something wrong, that they won't enjoy it, that I won't enjoy it. I'm concerned that I won't want to do it as early in the relationship as they want to. I'm also afraid of them expecting me to make the first move as I have no idea what that would be, and I don't know how to tell if they're making the move.
The whole process is just so foreign to me. You see those cheesy family shows that give advice like, "when the time is right you'll know." I just can't believe it's like that though. If I can't tell who I'm attracted to then what are the chances of me being able to tell when the time is right? Maybe the label I'm looking for really is asexual after all (not that I need a label to define me).
I keep thinking that maybe my first kiss will give me some insight into all this, but even such a simple thing as that carries some of the same concerns I have about sex.
Kissing, sex, and other physical interaction are all parts of a relationship and everything just seem so foreign to me right now. It makes me sad, and nervous, and panicked, and angry. How can I sit here at my age and be so concerned about this stuff?
God this is so freaking me out. It's not something I can really talk to my friends about. I mean who wants to admit to their friends they're this much of a looser. It's not only that, but I don't feel like I really have the types of friendships anymore where I could discuss stuff like this. There is one friend from my past that I have started to reconnect with a little, but I don't even know if I want to burden him with this.
I don't know if I can tell my therapist either. It's just so personal, and embarrassing, and pathetic at the same time that it's much easier to just let it all out here anonymously. Even if I did feel like I had someone to talk to I know they can't really relate. I don't know anyone who's like me. After all if they were like me they wouldn't be advertising it either.
How many 30 year old never been kissed, never dated, virgins are there in the world and what are the chances a large number of them are right here with me. East coast... I'm sure there's a few, West coast... possibly, Alaska... definitely, but here smack in the middle... I just don't see a large concentration.
I just feel so... alone.
In all honesty the thought of sex before a relationship just doesn't seem to do anything for me. Maybe years of watching internet porn has desensitized me to meaningless sex. I just cannot imagine meeting someone, barely getting to know them, then taking them somewhere and going at each other.
I said before I had a sex drive based on the frequency of... well I'm sure you can guess. But just thinking about bringing another person who's physically there into the mix brings up some feelings of fear and anxiety. There may be some excitement mixed in there too, but honestly I can't tell.
Part of me is scared because it's something I've never done before. I'm afraid that I'm going to do something wrong, that they won't enjoy it, that I won't enjoy it. I'm concerned that I won't want to do it as early in the relationship as they want to. I'm also afraid of them expecting me to make the first move as I have no idea what that would be, and I don't know how to tell if they're making the move.
The whole process is just so foreign to me. You see those cheesy family shows that give advice like, "when the time is right you'll know." I just can't believe it's like that though. If I can't tell who I'm attracted to then what are the chances of me being able to tell when the time is right? Maybe the label I'm looking for really is asexual after all (not that I need a label to define me).
I keep thinking that maybe my first kiss will give me some insight into all this, but even such a simple thing as that carries some of the same concerns I have about sex.
Kissing, sex, and other physical interaction are all parts of a relationship and everything just seem so foreign to me right now. It makes me sad, and nervous, and panicked, and angry. How can I sit here at my age and be so concerned about this stuff?
God this is so freaking me out. It's not something I can really talk to my friends about. I mean who wants to admit to their friends they're this much of a looser. It's not only that, but I don't feel like I really have the types of friendships anymore where I could discuss stuff like this. There is one friend from my past that I have started to reconnect with a little, but I don't even know if I want to burden him with this.
I don't know if I can tell my therapist either. It's just so personal, and embarrassing, and pathetic at the same time that it's much easier to just let it all out here anonymously. Even if I did feel like I had someone to talk to I know they can't really relate. I don't know anyone who's like me. After all if they were like me they wouldn't be advertising it either.
How many 30 year old never been kissed, never dated, virgins are there in the world and what are the chances a large number of them are right here with me. East coast... I'm sure there's a few, West coast... possibly, Alaska... definitely, but here smack in the middle... I just don't see a large concentration.
I just feel so... alone.
Are All Gay Guys Horn-Dogs?
Seriously. Lately I've been checking out some blogs from guys struggling with their sexuality. I just stumbled across them while doing an internet search a while back. I was really interested in them because I thought they may be able to give me some insight into who I am. Secrets of an All American is the one that got me thinking about doing my own secret blog to chronicle my quest for self discovery.
His blog was interesting and he had links to a lot of other ones. I followed a couple of those links and started reading. I was surprised. One blog just seemed to chronicle the conquests of one man. He did have a few deeply personal posts too though. Posts with more meaning then most of mine probably have.
But the point is I kept finding these posts on all these blogs about how they were jumping on Grindr, or chat room, or Craig's List, or something and hooking up with these seemingly random guys.
I'm I crazy for thinking there's a problem with that? Is something wrong with me that I don't want to just hook up with a random guy (or girl)? Am I stupid for feeling that there should be some sort of a relationship first before the sex?
Maybe it's because I'm 33 and still a virgin. I really never thought words like sex, love, companionship, relationship were ones I'd ever truly know the meaning of. Maybe that's why each one of them seems like a treasure that shouldn't be squandered.
I don't want to just go out and hook up. Yeah I really, really want to loose this V card, but I don't want to do it just for the sake of doing it. I want it to mean something for me.
Does that make me weird?
His blog was interesting and he had links to a lot of other ones. I followed a couple of those links and started reading. I was surprised. One blog just seemed to chronicle the conquests of one man. He did have a few deeply personal posts too though. Posts with more meaning then most of mine probably have.
But the point is I kept finding these posts on all these blogs about how they were jumping on Grindr, or chat room, or Craig's List, or something and hooking up with these seemingly random guys.
I'm I crazy for thinking there's a problem with that? Is something wrong with me that I don't want to just hook up with a random guy (or girl)? Am I stupid for feeling that there should be some sort of a relationship first before the sex?
Maybe it's because I'm 33 and still a virgin. I really never thought words like sex, love, companionship, relationship were ones I'd ever truly know the meaning of. Maybe that's why each one of them seems like a treasure that shouldn't be squandered.
I don't want to just go out and hook up. Yeah I really, really want to loose this V card, but I don't want to do it just for the sake of doing it. I want it to mean something for me.
Does that make me weird?
Friday, June 8, 2012
Trapped
I'm sitting at home on a Friday night. It's a usual thing for me. I just don't feel like going anywhere or seeing anyone. That's not exactly true I guess. The problem is I don't know how to do that. I don't know where to go. I'm too nervous to just show up someplace by myself, at least a place where I can meet people, and I even if I did know where to go I'd probably just sit in a corner and watch instead of trying to interact with anyone.
It's even the same way online. I mentioned a couple posts back about sending the message to one guy and getting a couple lines of chat out of him. I can't decide if I should take that as a polite brush-off and move on or e-mail him again just to say hi one more time.
On another dating site I actually had someone e-mail me (now that is a first), and I have an outstanding non e-mail connection (which honestly is surprising to me since it means they did that on sheer photos and headline). I haven't responded to either of them. I don't know if I really find them attractive first off. I also am still worried if being with another guy is truly the right thing for me.
But honestly I'm also just scared of the whole process. I've never done it before. I don't have any experience to draw from. I don't have anyone who I can trust to lead me through it. Heck I once had to go to my much younger brother for advice about keeping my work friend a work friend. How pathetic is that? Shouldn't it be the other way around.
I'm tired of feeling this way, but at the same time I'm so scared of the unknown. I can't decide which feeling is worse to endure. I just feel... trapped.
It's even the same way online. I mentioned a couple posts back about sending the message to one guy and getting a couple lines of chat out of him. I can't decide if I should take that as a polite brush-off and move on or e-mail him again just to say hi one more time.
On another dating site I actually had someone e-mail me (now that is a first), and I have an outstanding non e-mail connection (which honestly is surprising to me since it means they did that on sheer photos and headline). I haven't responded to either of them. I don't know if I really find them attractive first off. I also am still worried if being with another guy is truly the right thing for me.
But honestly I'm also just scared of the whole process. I've never done it before. I don't have any experience to draw from. I don't have anyone who I can trust to lead me through it. Heck I once had to go to my much younger brother for advice about keeping my work friend a work friend. How pathetic is that? Shouldn't it be the other way around.
I'm tired of feeling this way, but at the same time I'm so scared of the unknown. I can't decide which feeling is worse to endure. I just feel... trapped.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Lacking Skillz
Probably one of the hardest things I'm going to have to overcome as I venture out into the dating world is my complete lack of experience. I have no game of any kind. Not many people in their 30's can say that. I don't know how to talk to someone or how to show them that I'm interested.
I get extremely nervous in situations where I'm expected to be social, especially when it's with people I don't know. I can handle most every day situations, and after 5 years at my job I no longer have a problem speaking up when I'm in a meeting with people I've known for a while, but add a couple new people into the mix and I clam up.
So it's understandable that I have no idea how to talk or act around someone who I'd like to date. So many people take that development from their teens/early twenties for granted. It's probably the biggest fear I have right now.
"Will they be able to tell I'm completely new to this?"
"Should I tell them my history up front?"
"How do I know that they're having a good time or are into me or are wanting to leave?"
"Do they like me?"
"How was I supposed to take that last thing they said?"
"What am I supposed to do?"
It just scares the crap out of me. I'm so far behind the curve I feel like I'll never catch up, and I fear that I'll automatically be written off when I don't know what's going on and how I'm supposed to respond.
For instance. I went out for a night with a good friend of mine. Like I said in an earlier post I'm still questioning myself and still trying to see myself as someone that somebody would want. I planned to go out with her as a friend and nothing more. She'd just broken up with her husband. My brother and his wife had just moved out of my place. We were both alone and down and it seemed like a good way for both of us to cheer up a little.
She suggested the restaurant and paid for the meal, then we went to a bar to watch karaoke and I got the drinks. While we were talking she was kinda looking at me. At one point I smiled and asked her, "What." Her response was that I was a smart guy and I should know.
My thought was, "I may be book smart, but I'm at a total loss here." Obviously her comment clued me into what the look probably meant.
I spent the rest of the night sitting next to her and talking and singing along with the song. I didn't try anything because frankly I didn't want to see her like that (she's just too good of a friend), and as I said I'm questioning if I even would see her like that.
The end of the night was rather awkward for me. We kinda went outside, waved, and walked our separate ways. She had a strange look on her face and I'm not sure if she wanted something more or what.
I was totally clueless and unable to tell anything. I went over and over the night in my head that evening and the next day. I do that sometimes when I feel like I've messed up around people. I try to find my mistakes. I talk down how I acted. It's like a small bout of depression and obsession that lasts for a few hours to a few days. It's terrible. I hate it. For some reason I always do it tough. Sometimes I even have bouts after meeting up with friends who I've known for years.
I just don't understand it, but I do know that it is one of the reasons I don't like to do new things that involve social interaction.
Case in point last night. I sent that e-mail to the guy and waited on pins and needles to see if he'd view my profile and respond. To my surprise he started a chat. After just two exchanges each he left the chat. I've been wondering all day what could have gone wrong with it? Was he not really looking for a guy? Was it something I had said or the way I said something in the exchange? Should I send him another e-mail? Should I try to chat with him again? I don't know what's acceptable and what's not.
I'm really hoping when I see my therapist for the first time next week I'll have the courage to mention some of this stuff to her. Of course I'm already a little anxious about meeting and talking to her and I'm wondering if she's going to see the quiet me, the over-talkative me, or the normal every day me.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Fleeting Moment
One more check in. Remember how I said I had joined a couple dating sites. Well tonight I saw this cute guy on who I'd noticed before, so I sent him a quick message saying he was cute. I've sent a couple guys messages before. They view my profile and then don't send anything back. This one viewed my profile. Then I figured that would be it.
A bit latter I got a chat request. We had and exchange of a couple sentences and then he left the chat. :(
It was a step though, so thought I should post it.
A bit latter I got a chat request. We had and exchange of a couple sentences and then he left the chat. :(
It was a step though, so thought I should post it.
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