Out

So today I was off to the gym.  My brother called to say they were headed over to mom's.  I decide it's the right time to talk with mom.  So I take a detour to her place.

When I get there I play around a little with my nieces.  Then I say, "Mom I need to talk to you. You know how I've been secretive about where I've been going lately."

"Lacie"

That's my friend that I came out to on Friday.  We were shopping and getting pedicures on Saturday when mom called me and guessed that I was with her.  I told Lacie that mom would think we were dating. "No.  I'm planning to start dating, and I've been going to one of the gay bars in town."

A long pause. "So you think you're gay now?"

I smile. "I've known it for a while."

"Did Kurt tell you this."

Kurt is my best friend from high school who came out to me freshman year of college. "No. I did talk with him about it though."

"But when Kurt told you you were upset about it."

"Yes for obvious reasons now.  I've been really happy the last month or so since I've accepted this."

"Well it's you're life.  You can live it how you want.  Whatever makes you happy."

And that was it.  My step-dad was even easier.  What the hell is the world coming to when coming out means nothing to anyone. :)

So now that I'm living out I'm going to reveal a little bit about me.  My first name is Darren.  I live in Wichita, KS.  Below is a picture of me as of Saturday.

By day's end Mom had called two of her sisters.  One called and the other texted their support.  They're like, "You're still Darren."  Someone please tell me what had me so worried?

New Day, New Outlook

Ok.  Wednesday this week I hit a very low point.  I got very depressed.  I was texting my friend constantly throughout the day and bless his heart he was responding and trying to be supportive.  I was nearly crying at my desk and unable to get much work done, and when I got home I called my brother and cried on the phone to him.

It was a very bad day for me.

It all stemmed from such a good thing too.  I lost weight.  A lot of weight.  Obviously I had body image issues when I weighed 400 lbs.  Now that I'm in the 240 range I feel better about myself, but I have all new body issues because of things like excess skin and fat that just doesn't want to seem to go away.

I think Saturday/Sunday's meltdown after going to the club alone was playing it's part too.

But by Wednesday night I was feeling a little better.  Talking with my friend, my brother, and a friend of my brother's who is gay and came out in his 30's as well really helped.  Then I did something that I don't normally do.  I jumped on Grindr.  I started chatting up a guy.  He had a pretty good looking pic.  He was a dud conversation wise though (I blame him not me).

I then decided that I needed some pics to send to guys on Grindr, so I took a few pictures that I hope no one in my family sees if you understand my meaning (ok they were cock and upper chest/head pics).

By the next day I was feeling so much better about myself.  I wore my tight jeans, my totally awesome red shoes, and my favorite brown tie dye Levi's shirt.  I was looking and feeling good and it showed.

That night I did something I'd been too afraid to do before.  I went to Wal-Mart and bought lube and condoms. :)  I'd always been afraid to do that.  My thinking was that I can't see myself having sex, so why should anyone else.  I was imaging people saying things like, "as if he could get laid." and "who the hell would want to sleep with that." and "you're dreaming buddy."

But I did it.

Then I got home and to celebrate my accomplishment of going to the club alone and buying the things I wouldn't normally buy I got online and bought the shoes I've been wanting.  Then I bought some sexy underwear too.  Then I jumped on ManRoulette and stumbled on a guy who was just fine looking at me with the lights on (also a first) and talked me to a very happy place. :)

I feel so much better about myself today then I have in a long time.  I realized something too:

If I'm with a guy and the shirt's coming off then it's either because we've been going out for a while and care about each other enough to be taking that step, or it's just sex and we should really be past caring what the other person looks like fully naked.

If for some crazy reason he has a problem then FUCK HIM.  He's a looser and a terrible person anyway.

As long as I can project the confidence I really do have in the way I dress, my hair, and my totally cute face then I'll attract the guys.  I may even be better able to find the courage to go after them.  Besides once we get talking I know my kindness, goodness, and lovable qualities will shine through.

I also realized something else.  I needed that stumble.  I needed that fall.  I can't pick myself back up, and rise up stronger if I'm not in a place to be picked up from.

It's like an eagle flying.  Sometimes you have to dive really low to soar really far.  The dive is scary and you think it's the end, but at the last moment you pull out spread your wings and soar father and faster then you ever could before.

On a side note I came out to my friend at work.  The girl that got me really questioning things again.  She had suspected.  I told her how that night made me feel and she laughed because she said in 6th grade she dated a guy and right after they broke up he came out.  Then later she dated another guy and after they broke up he came out.  She just attracts those guys I guess.  She's super excited to have someone to go shopping with. :)

Tiptoeing Out a Little More

This is going to be a relatively short post in comparison to others.  I talked with my therapist.  She was happy with my progress thus far.  Yes she agreed it seemed fast, but at the same time I've had a drive to get this going.  It was amazing because I was also able to say that I was gay without it feeling weird to me.

So I came out to a couple friends who I knew it would not be a problem with.  I think I strengthened friendships there by doing it.  I don't think they realized how much I thought of them as friends until I told them.

It was a little weird though because I didn't feel as jazzed about it afterwards.  It wasn't because I wasn't happy it was more because it wasn't as big of a deal as it was when I told my brother.  Telling him was telling  one of the people in my every day life for the first time.  Telling these friends just had less impact.  I think it's because now I'm starting to live my life and the anxiety that comes from trying to hold back this part of me constantly is slipping away.

Telling My Brother

I decided I could not wait until next week to talk to my brother.  Yesterday I sent him a text asking if he could meet me for dinner.  He sent one back saying thanks, but they were just setting down to dinner.

So this early this morning I sent him another invite for tonight.  I said that even if we couldn't have diner if we could at least talk I'd like to.  He responded back saying that if certain things fell into place we could get dinner.  By five in the evening everything had fallen into place and I was on the hook.

The last two hours of work dragged on.  I was getting increasingly nervous with each passing second.  Then I'd take a deep breath, refocus, and calm down only to have it start all over again.  I've experienced worse than this in the past though.

I got even more nervous as I got into my car and drove to his house.  I even started to question everything that I said about myself last week.  I'm not really gay or even remotely interested in guys, am I?  Do I really feel attraction to them, or is it just the taboo feeling that I enjoy?  I just need to find the right girl.  Maybe I should give my friend at work a try just to be sure.  Why should I tell him anything when I haven't even tried anything yet.

I started to think that I needed to tell him first thing, or else I'd rationalize my way out of it.  Plus if he was really upset he could just get out of the car and go back into his apartment and I could go find a place to drink.  If he was fine with it we could discuss things at dinner.  It was a great plan.

As I arrived I realized that I forgot my wallet in my desk and had no way to pay for dinner.  I told my brother that up front and we agreed to drive back to work and eat near there.  This was perfect because it would give us some more minutes to talk.

Once he got in the car he asked how things were going.  I said fine.  Then he asked what I had wanted to talk about... silence.

I just couldn't talk.  I couldn't find the words.  I knew what I wanted to say.  I knew what I had rehearsed saying (I'd been doing it in my head all day), but when I finally had to find the words they were just not escaping my mouth.

By the time we'd driven the mile or so to the freeway I started to talk about my therapy and social anxiety.  It was the only thing that I could think of to talk about that would seem like a big enough deal.  So basically I chickened out from my original plan.

We got to work and I went in kicking myself the whole way.  I kept telling myself when I got back out there I was going to get into why I had wanted him to come out with me.  I went up to my desk, retrieved my wallet and walked town the four flights of stairs to the tunnel leading to the parking lot.  The whole time I was telling myself I had to talk to him.

I got back to the car and fumbled with my seatbelt.  I needed to find the words... silence.

We drove to the restaurant.  After entering and putting out names in the hostess said it would be a 30 minute wait.  This was perfect.  We could go outside and talk... silence.  I couldn't even ask him to go outside to talk.

Dinner was half chatting about nothing and half silence.

The car ride home was him talking about Warhammer 40K updates and me nodding and thinking to myself I HAD to say something.

We pulled into his drive.  He said thank you for dinner and unbuckled his seatbelt as he got ready to leave.

"Wait.  I need to talk to you about something."

I did it I'd actually said something, but now I was kind of committed to following this through.  After a bit of silence where I was struggling to find the words he told me that I could tell him anything.

I started to say how I wanted to let him know that I planned to start dating.  He said how great that was to hear.  Then I fumbled around the next sentence.

"The thing is... When I start dating... I plan to date... I think I want to date... guys.  I'm not saying that I'll end up with a guy, but I've had these thoughts for a long time."

The next hour was filled with him being supportive, me spilling a few things, but not as much as I've spilled here and to my friend.

He said he had a couple gay coworkers and asked if it would be alright if he talked with them.  I told him he could and told him about the ex and my friend had put me in contact with so that I could maybe find a friend in the gay community.  He said he'd see about the guys at work too.

I told him he could tell his wife if he needed to talk to someone about it.  I stressed though that both of them should keep it quite for now.  I feel like I don't want to tell many more people until I've been out on at least one date, but I'm fairly certain what I'm feeling is the way it is.

He asked if he was depriving of something by not letting me tell his wife.  The thing there is I don't have a lot of trust for her right now.  If I were to tell her and ask her to keep it a secret I don't think I'd be convinced it would be kept.  If he does it I feel differently.  I told him that and he seemed to understand.

We also talked about the reactions I fear I'll see in the family and my friends.  Who will accept it, who will reject it.  For the most part I think a lot of cousins will be fine with it.  Aunts, Uncles, and my grandmother are different stories.

I don't feel quite as freed as I did last week, but I do feel a little better knowing that my bother cares for me still and knows a piece of what I've been going through.  I know it has strengthened our bond.

When Should I Come Out?

Ok.  So now I'm wondering.  When should I tell people?

I have my friend at work.  She just today (on her birthday of all days) broke up with her boyfriend.  I mentioned in an earlier post that she and I went out as friends once, but I got the vibe she wanted it to be more than friends.  She got with that boyfriend not long after the night out.  So he was the rebound guy.  On one hand it makes me want to talk with her more so that she knows I'm just not a possibility.  On the other hand I don't know how she's going to react and I really don't want to kick her while she's down.  But she's such a good friend.  One of my best friends really.  I don't know how much longer I can go on not telling her.  But it at least will explain to her how I knew exactly what shoes to wear with the new little black dress she's wearing out this weekend (j/k I'm fashion inept).

Next is my brother.  I want to tell him first in my family.  I think... rather I'm sure he will be accepting of me.  He has always seemed that way.  It will probably be a little awkward at first, but I think he'll be happier that I'm happier.  His wife is a wild card.  I may have to tell her just so he has someone to support him.  I know that she has at least one gay friend, but I'm worried that it will change how she see's me and change how she feels about me being around my nieces and nephew.  Apparently there is some bad history with her ex's family that I just don't know (nor want to know) the full story of, and I'm afraid the typical prejudice of gay men and children will pop up.

Then there is my mom and stepfather.  My dad passed away two years ago.  If he were still alive I don't know how I would tell him.  I don't know if I would have even been able to admit it to myself.  Anyway.  I think my mom is going to need some time.  That's why telling my brother first is better.  I think he can help her through it.  I really feel though that she'll realize that I'm happier and more comfortable with myself in the long run.  The stepfather is a wildcard.  He acts like he's liberal minded at times, but then he makes comments and seems to be homophobic as well.  He'll probably accept it, but be uncomfortable with it.  So no PDA with the boyfriends at family get togethers.

I have my pool friends and D&D friends.  That's a very mixed bag.  One of my pool friends openly talks about her gay friends and is very liberal minded.  I think she'll be the first I talk to (plus talking to the women in my life seems easier... weird right?).  Next would be the guy who is on my pool team and in the D&D group.  He's also liberal minded, but he worries unnecessarily at times and I think he'd be afraid about how the rest of the group would react.  He'd probably want to change the atmosphere of the group to be more clean and less gay jokes.  I don't want that at all.  I crack some of those same jokes and have never been offended.  I think they'll take on a whole new context too. :)

The rest of the D&D group is about 1/3rd going to be cool, 1/3rd wildcard, and 1/3rd scares the hell out of me to think how they may react.  I would hate if this broke up our group or something.  On the plus side I can make coming out part of the game by just making the character gay and then saying that it's how I feel too. :)

My extended family will be hard to work with.  I have some who will accept it no problem.  I have some who I have no idea what they'll think.  And I have some I deeply fear will disown me or treat me so differently that I'm uncomfortable.

As for when this will all happen I'm debating that.  My friend at work, my brother, and the girl from the pool team are the first people I'm looking to tell.  Beyond that there is my cousin who's my high school friend's (yes the same friend I've been mentioning as being gay... we come from a small town after all) sister-in-law.  My cousin and his wife (at least his wife) who I get together to play games with every once and a while.

I'm thinking I may try to hold out until after my therapist appointment next week, but I may not make it until then.  I kind of want to talk with her to see if it's a good idea.  I mentioned my feelings toward her saying I was gay and I'm wondering if she picked up on that since we didn't discuss it at all last session.  How's she going to react when I suddenly act out and proud.  Will she think it's false?  Will she think it's too soon?  I don't know.

Coming Out to Me

I'm sure there was an earlier post or two that sounded like I'd already done this, but I don't think I ever truly have before.

I said earlier that my friend was in town and we had this huge long conversation.  I really forced myself to open up about stuff.  Forced may be the wrong word.  I wanted to open up, but I kept holding back all day. It wasn't until very late in the night that I really started to talk.

It's funny because one of the topics of conversation that day was when he came out to me.  He couldn't recall how it happened.  I know he did not intend to come out when he did.  He was very secretive and controlling of that information at the time (wow you think that would have been something that would have entered my mind).

Anyway he came out to me when we were roommates at college.  I remember the exact date (because I'm that kind of friend).  It was very late at night.  We sometimes had this thing where after the lights went out and we were both in bed we'd talk a little about all kinds of things.  This night he was talking to me about something he stumbled across online that disturbed him.  It was a piece of erotic fiction that involved a widely known religious figure from history in a homosexual relationship (I'd rather you infer what that means then me actually have to type it... I'm still a little religious remember). :)

I remember he said something that clicked with me and I asked him if he was trying to tell me something.  It was at that point he admitted he was gay.  I'm fairly certain I'm the first person he told from back home.  That was always something that meant a lot to me.  It kind of defined the relationship as a lifelong friendship.  I didn't need to really work through the question of accepting him.  He was my best friend.  It changed nothing about how I felt about him.

So it's only fitting that I basically returned the favor to him (wow does that ever sound dirty).  When we were having our discussion I opened up about fantasies I had in high school, the porn I watched, the shows that I watched and the relationships that meant the most to me in them (basically I have the viewing habits of a teenage girl because I love shows like Degrassi, and Ziley (Riley/Zane) was one of my favorite relationships (although I enjoyed the Marco/Ellie friendship almost as much, but part of that was because I really liked watching Stacey Farber and the guy that played Marco was extremely cute as he got older).

After telling my friend all this stuff it was easier to accept in myself that, yeah I'm gay.  Not 100% gay, but mostly gay.  The weird thing is I don't want the gay label though.  I don't want the bi label either.  I don't want any label.  I just want to be me.

An extremely wise person said that the hardest person, and in fact the first person, to come out to is yourself.  It's taken me nearly 15 years to do it, but I finally think I have.  I realize that I want what my friend has.  I want a relationship, and I kind of expect for that relationship to be with a guy.

This is definitely a turning point in my life.