Ok. Wednesday this week I hit a very low point. I got very depressed. I was texting my friend constantly throughout the day and bless his heart he was responding and trying to be supportive. I was nearly crying at my desk and unable to get much work done, and when I got home I called my brother and cried on the phone to him.
It was a very bad day for me.
It all stemmed from such a good thing too. I lost weight. A lot of weight. Obviously I had body image issues when I weighed 400 lbs. Now that I'm in the 240 range I feel better about myself, but I have all new body issues because of things like excess skin and fat that just doesn't want to seem to go away.
I think Saturday/Sunday's meltdown after going to the club alone was playing it's part too.
But by Wednesday night I was feeling a little better. Talking with my friend, my brother, and a friend of my brother's who is gay and came out in his 30's as well really helped. Then I did something that I don't normally do. I jumped on Grindr. I started chatting up a guy. He had a pretty good looking pic. He was a dud conversation wise though (I blame him not me).
I then decided that I needed some pics to send to guys on Grindr, so I took a few pictures that I hope no one in my family sees if you understand my meaning (ok they were cock and upper chest/head pics).
By the next day I was feeling so much better about myself. I wore my tight jeans, my totally awesome red shoes, and my favorite brown tie dye Levi's shirt. I was looking and feeling good and it showed.
That night I did something I'd been too afraid to do before. I went to Wal-Mart and bought lube and condoms. :) I'd always been afraid to do that. My thinking was that I can't see myself having sex, so why should anyone else. I was imaging people saying things like, "as if he could get laid." and "who the hell would want to sleep with that." and "you're dreaming buddy."
But I did it.
Then I got home and to celebrate my accomplishment of going to the club alone and buying the things I wouldn't normally buy I got online and bought the shoes I've been wanting. Then I bought some sexy underwear too. Then I jumped on ManRoulette and stumbled on a guy who was just fine looking at me with the lights on (also a first) and talked me to a very happy place. :)
I feel so much better about myself today then I have in a long time. I realized something too:
If I'm with a guy and the shirt's coming off then it's either because we've been going out for a while and care about each other enough to be taking that step, or it's just sex and we should really be past caring what the other person looks like fully naked.
If for some crazy reason he has a problem then FUCK HIM. He's a looser and a terrible person anyway.
As long as I can project the confidence I really do have in the way I dress, my hair, and my totally cute face then I'll attract the guys. I may even be better able to find the courage to go after them. Besides once we get talking I know my kindness, goodness, and lovable qualities will shine through.
I also realized something else. I needed that stumble. I needed that fall. I can't pick myself back up, and rise up stronger if I'm not in a place to be picked up from.
It's like an eagle flying. Sometimes you have to dive really low to soar really far. The dive is scary and you think it's the end, but at the last moment you pull out spread your wings and soar father and faster then you ever could before.
On a side note I came out to my friend at work. The girl that got me really questioning things again. She had suspected. I told her how that night made me feel and she laughed because she said in 6th grade she dated a guy and right after they broke up he came out. Then later she dated another guy and after they broke up he came out. She just attracts those guys I guess. She's super excited to have someone to go shopping with. :)
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Friday, August 10, 2012
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Allow Me To Vent for a Moment
I just got back from my normal Thursday night of league pool with friends. It's really the only night I go out each week. We were talking and somehow the topic turned to how old we all were (one of my friends guessed my age and was only a year under to which he replied, "and I was lowballing it"). At 33 (almost 34) I'm the youngest of the group.
At the very end of the night the jukebox started playing songs from their high school/middle school days, and I was relating how I was only 5 in the early 80's when some of these songs came out.
I say I want to vent because since there was talk about high school there was also talk about young love relationships and going to prom. Not much mind you, only a small little bit. But that small bit just kinda got to me.
One of the guys on my team is married. The girl has been married and is currently dating. The other guy I don't really know that well (we don't talk much... it's that weird he's their friend and I'm their friend, but we're not really friends kind of thing), but I assume he has dated/is dating.
My point is that if the discussion had gotten going more with other people contributing I would have had nothing. I didn't have a high school romance. I didn't have a college romance. I haven't had an adult romance (of course I basically said all this in my first post). I will never have those sorts nostalgic memories to add to the conversation.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I'm never going to have a romance. I still have hope that something will happen someday, but I can never go back and change the past. I'm never going to have the memory of being a teenager in love. I'm never going to know what it was like kick my roommate out of my dorm room (but I do know what it's like to be the one kicked out).
It just makes me... sad. I know you'll probably say that I can make lovely memories from this point forward. That may be true (although right now I still have times where I find it difficult to believe anyone could fall for me), but it's not going to be the same.
Of course just thinking about the possibility of having a relationship leads me down the path of anxiety and asking, "what if." What if I do find someone who's crazy enough to go out on a date with me? What will it be like? How should I act? What if I withdraw so much because of my introversion and shyness and have nothing to say or come across as cold and uninterested? Should I tell them that it's my first date? How can I tell what their body language is telling me, because I know I'm completely clueless there.
Then what happens if we try to kiss? Can I be a good kisser having never done it before? How can I tell if I should initiate the kiss? What happens if things get serious?
And it's thinking like that (and a much poorer self image) that put me in this situation to begin with. Ugh. I can't believe that such a simple, off the cuff comment could cause me so much turmoil. I was having a good night too, but for some reason this just started eating at me.
I know, I know, I'm most likely making a much larger deal out of this then it should be. I really think that at my next appointment I need to get the courage to bring some of this up. We touched on it during my initial appointment. To which the therapist said, "you're still young." But over the last two weeks it's just been weighing on me more and more.
There are some days where it would have been easier if I had just stayed my 400 lbs. self. I knew how to be that person. I was miserable, but I knew better who I was when I was him. I'm not saying I want to go back. It's just... right now I'm lost.
At the very end of the night the jukebox started playing songs from their high school/middle school days, and I was relating how I was only 5 in the early 80's when some of these songs came out.
I say I want to vent because since there was talk about high school there was also talk about young love relationships and going to prom. Not much mind you, only a small little bit. But that small bit just kinda got to me.
One of the guys on my team is married. The girl has been married and is currently dating. The other guy I don't really know that well (we don't talk much... it's that weird he's their friend and I'm their friend, but we're not really friends kind of thing), but I assume he has dated/is dating.
My point is that if the discussion had gotten going more with other people contributing I would have had nothing. I didn't have a high school romance. I didn't have a college romance. I haven't had an adult romance (of course I basically said all this in my first post). I will never have those sorts nostalgic memories to add to the conversation.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I'm never going to have a romance. I still have hope that something will happen someday, but I can never go back and change the past. I'm never going to have the memory of being a teenager in love. I'm never going to know what it was like kick my roommate out of my dorm room (but I do know what it's like to be the one kicked out).
It just makes me... sad. I know you'll probably say that I can make lovely memories from this point forward. That may be true (although right now I still have times where I find it difficult to believe anyone could fall for me), but it's not going to be the same.
Of course just thinking about the possibility of having a relationship leads me down the path of anxiety and asking, "what if." What if I do find someone who's crazy enough to go out on a date with me? What will it be like? How should I act? What if I withdraw so much because of my introversion and shyness and have nothing to say or come across as cold and uninterested? Should I tell them that it's my first date? How can I tell what their body language is telling me, because I know I'm completely clueless there.
Then what happens if we try to kiss? Can I be a good kisser having never done it before? How can I tell if I should initiate the kiss? What happens if things get serious?
And it's thinking like that (and a much poorer self image) that put me in this situation to begin with. Ugh. I can't believe that such a simple, off the cuff comment could cause me so much turmoil. I was having a good night too, but for some reason this just started eating at me.
I know, I know, I'm most likely making a much larger deal out of this then it should be. I really think that at my next appointment I need to get the courage to bring some of this up. We touched on it during my initial appointment. To which the therapist said, "you're still young." But over the last two weeks it's just been weighing on me more and more.
There are some days where it would have been easier if I had just stayed my 400 lbs. self. I knew how to be that person. I was miserable, but I knew better who I was when I was him. I'm not saying I want to go back. It's just... right now I'm lost.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
A Post That's A Little All Over The Place
I'll admit that I've been kind of on an emotional roller-coaster the last week. I just can't explain exactly why. There is a part of me that feels broken and another part that feels lost.
I've been trying (on my own mind you) to define what I want. I know I don't want to be alone. I know I want someone to spent my life with. Someone who's more than just a friend, a companion that will be there for me and I for them.
I just still cannot see who would fill that role. Is it a guy, is it a girl? I think both would be fine, but I question if I could truly "be with" one or the other. It seems easier to picture myself in that situation with a guy, and I don't know why. There's just a part of me that wonders if I could ever make that part of the relationship work with a girl. But there's the other side that still wonders if I even really need that part of the relationship (of course it wouldn't be fair to the other party if they need it).
The thoughts and emotions are all just really too hard to put into words and even though I've make a few posts over at asexuality.org I still don't know if I really feel like I've found anyone who understands and that I can talk it out with.
I've honestly been really depressed lately. My therapist was trying to get me to go to the gym at our last appointment. She was only thinking like 20 minutes every couple days, but I did an hour at least 4 times a week. I don't feel like I'm getting burnt out on it, in fact I'm beginning to like it because I feel like I can escape there.
The reason I mention this is because they say that when you work out your body is supposed to release all these endorphins that give you a better mood. I don't know if I've ever felt that. I don't feel like I've been getting the emotional high I should for working out. Or maybe the emotional high is just returning me to what once was my normal emotional state.
I guess loneliness is probably the biggest emotion I've been feeling as of late. It's weird because as an introvert I really do value my time alone. I enjoy reading and writing. I could sit here and do it for quite a while and be quite content, but even introverts need some interaction. I don't want to be a hermit. So yeah. The loneliness is part of it.
I also feel a sense of loss. Here I am at 33 (almost 34) and I'm still the never dated, never been kissed, lonely looser I was in high school. I feel like I've lost out on the last 10-15 years. I feel like I've failed... at life. You're really only given one thing ever that is all your own. One thing that you have to nurture. One thing that you can't ever take back. You're life is what God handed you and said, "You only get one, so don't screw this up," and I have. I've missed out on so much and I have no idea if I can ever make up for it. I have no idea how to make up for it.
I don't know how to begin to try to get out there. Dating sites don't appear to be working. I've had a couple people indicate interest, but not anyone I feel like I want to connect with. I've tried to take the initiative, but don't hear anything back. I'm I being too picky? I'm a little desperate, but I'm not to the any port in a storm stage yet. Am I coming across as too needy in my messages? Is my profile not good enough? Are my pictures too plain?
I just feel like I'm on the verge of crying all the time. I feel like I don't know who I am or what I want. I feel like I'm going to be this way for the rest of my life. I don't think I can handle that. There was a time when I could, but I can't do it anymore. I can't go through life this way. But I have no idea if it can be changed or how to do it.
All I know is that I just hurt so much.
I've been trying (on my own mind you) to define what I want. I know I don't want to be alone. I know I want someone to spent my life with. Someone who's more than just a friend, a companion that will be there for me and I for them.
I just still cannot see who would fill that role. Is it a guy, is it a girl? I think both would be fine, but I question if I could truly "be with" one or the other. It seems easier to picture myself in that situation with a guy, and I don't know why. There's just a part of me that wonders if I could ever make that part of the relationship work with a girl. But there's the other side that still wonders if I even really need that part of the relationship (of course it wouldn't be fair to the other party if they need it).
The thoughts and emotions are all just really too hard to put into words and even though I've make a few posts over at asexuality.org I still don't know if I really feel like I've found anyone who understands and that I can talk it out with.
I've honestly been really depressed lately. My therapist was trying to get me to go to the gym at our last appointment. She was only thinking like 20 minutes every couple days, but I did an hour at least 4 times a week. I don't feel like I'm getting burnt out on it, in fact I'm beginning to like it because I feel like I can escape there.
The reason I mention this is because they say that when you work out your body is supposed to release all these endorphins that give you a better mood. I don't know if I've ever felt that. I don't feel like I've been getting the emotional high I should for working out. Or maybe the emotional high is just returning me to what once was my normal emotional state.
I guess loneliness is probably the biggest emotion I've been feeling as of late. It's weird because as an introvert I really do value my time alone. I enjoy reading and writing. I could sit here and do it for quite a while and be quite content, but even introverts need some interaction. I don't want to be a hermit. So yeah. The loneliness is part of it.
I also feel a sense of loss. Here I am at 33 (almost 34) and I'm still the never dated, never been kissed, lonely looser I was in high school. I feel like I've lost out on the last 10-15 years. I feel like I've failed... at life. You're really only given one thing ever that is all your own. One thing that you have to nurture. One thing that you can't ever take back. You're life is what God handed you and said, "You only get one, so don't screw this up," and I have. I've missed out on so much and I have no idea if I can ever make up for it. I have no idea how to make up for it.
I don't know how to begin to try to get out there. Dating sites don't appear to be working. I've had a couple people indicate interest, but not anyone I feel like I want to connect with. I've tried to take the initiative, but don't hear anything back. I'm I being too picky? I'm a little desperate, but I'm not to the any port in a storm stage yet. Am I coming across as too needy in my messages? Is my profile not good enough? Are my pictures too plain?
I just feel like I'm on the verge of crying all the time. I feel like I don't know who I am or what I want. I feel like I'm going to be this way for the rest of my life. I don't think I can handle that. There was a time when I could, but I can't do it anymore. I can't go through life this way. But I have no idea if it can be changed or how to do it.
All I know is that I just hurt so much.
Friday, June 22, 2012
It's Been a Long Week
So it's been a long week so far. Monday I wasn't feeling too great (mainly tired and a little down), so I stayed home. I got a call from my boss saying there was an issue that was delaying the release of our software and that I needed to log in an fix it. I did. And then I went into catastrophe mode.
It's funny because I had just read a couple passages a day or two ago in Quiet talking about what happens when introverts go into catastrophe mode, and I had thought to myself that I don't really do that. When there is an issue I'm usually the level headed one who keeps everything calm. I'm normally good in a crisis. That is unless I caused it.
I cried for a good hour. I called my brother and talked with him (well more like cried in his ear). I felt like I'd done so much wrong. No only because of the mistake I made at work but because of the general shape my life has been in. Everything just unraveled. I was upset for the rest of the day.
The next morning I had urges to go talk with my manager. I thought I was done for (which is really an overreaction). I wanted to lay everything out. But I didn't and I'm glad I didn't. I was acutely aware of my demeanor though. I hung my head. I felt like I was constantly blushing. I felt shame. I had a typical introvert's reaction to stress.
Later in the day my boss came over for a one on one and as part of it talked with me about the issue. I said what mistakes I made. He acted like it wasn't that big of a deal. That made me feel a little better. But I still think its affected me because I still feel like crying. Yesterday I just couldn't concentrate no matter how hard I tried.
I also am worried that my brother may have gotten onto my computer when I wasn't here and he was over taking care of our dogs. I am usually good about closing down stuff like my blog, my support websites, my dating profile, my research, and my writing. But for some reason I didn't. My computer wasn't password protected (it is now though).
I just don't know. I can't tell if he's acting weird toward me of I just think he's acting weird. It's just adding to my stress. I also called him tonight and found out that they were looking for a babysitter for my nieces tomorrow. I said if they were in a pinch that I could do it and he said, "That's alright we'll figure something out."
How am I supposed to take that? Does that mean they just don't want me around my own nieces? Do they think I can't handle them? Do they not trust me? It's only adding to everything that's on my mind.
It's funny because I had just read a couple passages a day or two ago in Quiet talking about what happens when introverts go into catastrophe mode, and I had thought to myself that I don't really do that. When there is an issue I'm usually the level headed one who keeps everything calm. I'm normally good in a crisis. That is unless I caused it.
I cried for a good hour. I called my brother and talked with him (well more like cried in his ear). I felt like I'd done so much wrong. No only because of the mistake I made at work but because of the general shape my life has been in. Everything just unraveled. I was upset for the rest of the day.
The next morning I had urges to go talk with my manager. I thought I was done for (which is really an overreaction). I wanted to lay everything out. But I didn't and I'm glad I didn't. I was acutely aware of my demeanor though. I hung my head. I felt like I was constantly blushing. I felt shame. I had a typical introvert's reaction to stress.
Later in the day my boss came over for a one on one and as part of it talked with me about the issue. I said what mistakes I made. He acted like it wasn't that big of a deal. That made me feel a little better. But I still think its affected me because I still feel like crying. Yesterday I just couldn't concentrate no matter how hard I tried.
I also am worried that my brother may have gotten onto my computer when I wasn't here and he was over taking care of our dogs. I am usually good about closing down stuff like my blog, my support websites, my dating profile, my research, and my writing. But for some reason I didn't. My computer wasn't password protected (it is now though).
I just don't know. I can't tell if he's acting weird toward me of I just think he's acting weird. It's just adding to my stress. I also called him tonight and found out that they were looking for a babysitter for my nieces tomorrow. I said if they were in a pinch that I could do it and he said, "That's alright we'll figure something out."
How am I supposed to take that? Does that mean they just don't want me around my own nieces? Do they think I can't handle them? Do they not trust me? It's only adding to everything that's on my mind.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
It's Not That I Don't Want to Have Sex...
I just don't see it as being a driving factor in a relationship. Maybe I don't really have that much of a sex drive. I know, I know I said in my very first post that I have a sex drive, and there are times when I feel like I'd like to experience it, but I don't have the need to go grab someone, throw them in a bed, and do bad things to them.
In all honesty the thought of sex before a relationship just doesn't seem to do anything for me. Maybe years of watching internet porn has desensitized me to meaningless sex. I just cannot imagine meeting someone, barely getting to know them, then taking them somewhere and going at each other.
I said before I had a sex drive based on the frequency of... well I'm sure you can guess. But just thinking about bringing another person who's physically there into the mix brings up some feelings of fear and anxiety. There may be some excitement mixed in there too, but honestly I can't tell.
Part of me is scared because it's something I've never done before. I'm afraid that I'm going to do something wrong, that they won't enjoy it, that I won't enjoy it. I'm concerned that I won't want to do it as early in the relationship as they want to. I'm also afraid of them expecting me to make the first move as I have no idea what that would be, and I don't know how to tell if they're making the move.
The whole process is just so foreign to me. You see those cheesy family shows that give advice like, "when the time is right you'll know." I just can't believe it's like that though. If I can't tell who I'm attracted to then what are the chances of me being able to tell when the time is right? Maybe the label I'm looking for really is asexual after all (not that I need a label to define me).
I keep thinking that maybe my first kiss will give me some insight into all this, but even such a simple thing as that carries some of the same concerns I have about sex.
Kissing, sex, and other physical interaction are all parts of a relationship and everything just seem so foreign to me right now. It makes me sad, and nervous, and panicked, and angry. How can I sit here at my age and be so concerned about this stuff?
God this is so freaking me out. It's not something I can really talk to my friends about. I mean who wants to admit to their friends they're this much of a looser. It's not only that, but I don't feel like I really have the types of friendships anymore where I could discuss stuff like this. There is one friend from my past that I have started to reconnect with a little, but I don't even know if I want to burden him with this.
I don't know if I can tell my therapist either. It's just so personal, and embarrassing, and pathetic at the same time that it's much easier to just let it all out here anonymously. Even if I did feel like I had someone to talk to I know they can't really relate. I don't know anyone who's like me. After all if they were like me they wouldn't be advertising it either.
How many 30 year old never been kissed, never dated, virgins are there in the world and what are the chances a large number of them are right here with me. East coast... I'm sure there's a few, West coast... possibly, Alaska... definitely, but here smack in the middle... I just don't see a large concentration.
I just feel so... alone.
In all honesty the thought of sex before a relationship just doesn't seem to do anything for me. Maybe years of watching internet porn has desensitized me to meaningless sex. I just cannot imagine meeting someone, barely getting to know them, then taking them somewhere and going at each other.
I said before I had a sex drive based on the frequency of... well I'm sure you can guess. But just thinking about bringing another person who's physically there into the mix brings up some feelings of fear and anxiety. There may be some excitement mixed in there too, but honestly I can't tell.
Part of me is scared because it's something I've never done before. I'm afraid that I'm going to do something wrong, that they won't enjoy it, that I won't enjoy it. I'm concerned that I won't want to do it as early in the relationship as they want to. I'm also afraid of them expecting me to make the first move as I have no idea what that would be, and I don't know how to tell if they're making the move.
The whole process is just so foreign to me. You see those cheesy family shows that give advice like, "when the time is right you'll know." I just can't believe it's like that though. If I can't tell who I'm attracted to then what are the chances of me being able to tell when the time is right? Maybe the label I'm looking for really is asexual after all (not that I need a label to define me).
I keep thinking that maybe my first kiss will give me some insight into all this, but even such a simple thing as that carries some of the same concerns I have about sex.
Kissing, sex, and other physical interaction are all parts of a relationship and everything just seem so foreign to me right now. It makes me sad, and nervous, and panicked, and angry. How can I sit here at my age and be so concerned about this stuff?
God this is so freaking me out. It's not something I can really talk to my friends about. I mean who wants to admit to their friends they're this much of a looser. It's not only that, but I don't feel like I really have the types of friendships anymore where I could discuss stuff like this. There is one friend from my past that I have started to reconnect with a little, but I don't even know if I want to burden him with this.
I don't know if I can tell my therapist either. It's just so personal, and embarrassing, and pathetic at the same time that it's much easier to just let it all out here anonymously. Even if I did feel like I had someone to talk to I know they can't really relate. I don't know anyone who's like me. After all if they were like me they wouldn't be advertising it either.
How many 30 year old never been kissed, never dated, virgins are there in the world and what are the chances a large number of them are right here with me. East coast... I'm sure there's a few, West coast... possibly, Alaska... definitely, but here smack in the middle... I just don't see a large concentration.
I just feel so... alone.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Downer Day
Today has just been kind of a downer day. I don't know why. I just can't feel happy, but I'm not really sad either. I'm just kind of "meh." I should be a little happy because I did end up loosing at weigh in, but no.
I'm beginning to feel a little anxious about my appointment with the therapist next week. I've never done anything like this before, and I question what it's going to be like. What should I say? Will I even be able to say anything? Should I tell anyone that I'm seeing a therapist? I especially wonder because I know I haven't been me at work and I'm getting a little paranoid that I'll end up pissing someone off and then find myself without a job.
I just have this feeling that my lead is laying the ground work to get me out the door even though I'm sure that's not the case part of me just feels that way.
It's the same way with my friends. I just don't feel like I trust them. Every side conversation they have with each other concerns me. I hate feeling this way. A big part of my brain knows I'm overreacting, but there's this little voice in my head that keeps telling me, "but what if you're not."
I just wish I could be happy and confident in myself again like I was a year ago.
I'm beginning to feel a little anxious about my appointment with the therapist next week. I've never done anything like this before, and I question what it's going to be like. What should I say? Will I even be able to say anything? Should I tell anyone that I'm seeing a therapist? I especially wonder because I know I haven't been me at work and I'm getting a little paranoid that I'll end up pissing someone off and then find myself without a job.
I just have this feeling that my lead is laying the ground work to get me out the door even though I'm sure that's not the case part of me just feels that way.
It's the same way with my friends. I just don't feel like I trust them. Every side conversation they have with each other concerns me. I hate feeling this way. A big part of my brain knows I'm overreacting, but there's this little voice in my head that keeps telling me, "but what if you're not."
I just wish I could be happy and confident in myself again like I was a year ago.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Lacking Skillz
Probably one of the hardest things I'm going to have to overcome as I venture out into the dating world is my complete lack of experience. I have no game of any kind. Not many people in their 30's can say that. I don't know how to talk to someone or how to show them that I'm interested.
I get extremely nervous in situations where I'm expected to be social, especially when it's with people I don't know. I can handle most every day situations, and after 5 years at my job I no longer have a problem speaking up when I'm in a meeting with people I've known for a while, but add a couple new people into the mix and I clam up.
So it's understandable that I have no idea how to talk or act around someone who I'd like to date. So many people take that development from their teens/early twenties for granted. It's probably the biggest fear I have right now.
"Will they be able to tell I'm completely new to this?"
"Should I tell them my history up front?"
"How do I know that they're having a good time or are into me or are wanting to leave?"
"Do they like me?"
"How was I supposed to take that last thing they said?"
"What am I supposed to do?"
It just scares the crap out of me. I'm so far behind the curve I feel like I'll never catch up, and I fear that I'll automatically be written off when I don't know what's going on and how I'm supposed to respond.
For instance. I went out for a night with a good friend of mine. Like I said in an earlier post I'm still questioning myself and still trying to see myself as someone that somebody would want. I planned to go out with her as a friend and nothing more. She'd just broken up with her husband. My brother and his wife had just moved out of my place. We were both alone and down and it seemed like a good way for both of us to cheer up a little.
She suggested the restaurant and paid for the meal, then we went to a bar to watch karaoke and I got the drinks. While we were talking she was kinda looking at me. At one point I smiled and asked her, "What." Her response was that I was a smart guy and I should know.
My thought was, "I may be book smart, but I'm at a total loss here." Obviously her comment clued me into what the look probably meant.
I spent the rest of the night sitting next to her and talking and singing along with the song. I didn't try anything because frankly I didn't want to see her like that (she's just too good of a friend), and as I said I'm questioning if I even would see her like that.
The end of the night was rather awkward for me. We kinda went outside, waved, and walked our separate ways. She had a strange look on her face and I'm not sure if she wanted something more or what.
I was totally clueless and unable to tell anything. I went over and over the night in my head that evening and the next day. I do that sometimes when I feel like I've messed up around people. I try to find my mistakes. I talk down how I acted. It's like a small bout of depression and obsession that lasts for a few hours to a few days. It's terrible. I hate it. For some reason I always do it tough. Sometimes I even have bouts after meeting up with friends who I've known for years.
I just don't understand it, but I do know that it is one of the reasons I don't like to do new things that involve social interaction.
Case in point last night. I sent that e-mail to the guy and waited on pins and needles to see if he'd view my profile and respond. To my surprise he started a chat. After just two exchanges each he left the chat. I've been wondering all day what could have gone wrong with it? Was he not really looking for a guy? Was it something I had said or the way I said something in the exchange? Should I send him another e-mail? Should I try to chat with him again? I don't know what's acceptable and what's not.
I'm really hoping when I see my therapist for the first time next week I'll have the courage to mention some of this stuff to her. Of course I'm already a little anxious about meeting and talking to her and I'm wondering if she's going to see the quiet me, the over-talkative me, or the normal every day me.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Broken Promises to Myself
So yesterday's first entry was a little bit all over the place. I can ramble and often the thoughts just get to flowing freely and I don't really have a way to organize them ahead of time. It doesn't make for the easiest to read posts sometimes. Today I'm trying to stay on topic, but it's a lot to talk about.
I'm talking about the major promises to myself I've broken over the years. I'm also mixing in a little bit of background on me to help paint a better picture. I'm not going to promise I won't be long winded, but I'm hoping that it will at least be readable and understandable.
I grew up in a small town in the mid-west. There were about 40 in my graduating class and about 200 in the entire high school. I was definitely on the low end of the popularity pyramid.
I was the overweight, geeky kid who was nice and kind, but no one really liked. You know there's got to be someone like that. In larger schools there's more of you, so you can find each other and bind together. That doesn't really happen in smaller schools though.
I can't really blame that for my problems. The truth is I was extremely depressed in high school. I truly hated myself. I even considered (though not really seriously) suicide. It was not a fun time to be me. I was always a happy kid before puberty. Always had a smile on my face, but as I got older the only reason I wore a smile was because I was faking it.
I could sit here and blame it on being bullied (which I most definitely was), but that would just be the easy way out. I honestly just wasn't happy. I didn't see any worth to me. I'd often sit and think about how much better everyone would be without me. I still do that sometimes. The difference is now I know that there are people who would be affected by it and I just can't do that to them.
Looking back now I realize that I really didn't love myself, I didn't see worth in myself, and if I didn't love or see worth in myself how could anyone else? That's why I never even tried to find a girl in high school (a guy would have been out of the question for such a small town). The sad thing is I now think there was probably one or two I could have had some sort of relationship with. Maybe even lost my virginity to, but I blew that chance.
There I go rambling off topic. I was an unhappy teen. I was also the type of person who ate his feelings, and when you feel really bad that's a heck of a lot of food. I graduated high school somewhere between 280 and 300 lbs. I made my first real promise to myself. "I'll get my weight under control and I will never weigh more than 300lbs."
I spent that summer convincing myself that when I got to college things would be different. I promised myself I was going to get some friends and date and have a completely new life. I went to the floor mixer, went to classes, found at least one new friend, lost a little weight (though admittedly that was because I was kind of starving myself). That all lasted for a good month or two, but inevitably I feel back into depression.
I thought even more about ending it all. I didn't, but I did get to the point where I barely left my room. I just couldn't face people. By the second semester I failed out (this is coming from someone who got a 24 and then a 27 on his ACT without prepping at all. Someone who aced every test in high school, but got B's and C's in the class because he didn't do the homework). I'd broken my promise to have a new life and felt like I ruined the crappy one I had.
The depression lasted past college and followed me back home. It stayed with me for the longest time. I managed it with food. By the time I was 21 I'd broken my promise to never weigh more than 300lbs., so now I decided I'd never weigh more than 400lbs. I also promised myself that by the time I was 25 I'd go out on at least one date.
Twenty-three came and went and I was beginning to tell myself to give up. I'd never be loved, so why bother worrying about it. When I turned 26, still dateless, still a virgin, still never been kissed, I decided that I had to accept my life as one where I was always alone. I'd broken another promise. I cried a lot at first, and then not at all.
Somehow through all that mess I found something I could enjoy doing for work, when back to college as an older student, and got a degree. I had a friend or two in college, but never was it a relationship I initiated. Actually it was weird that I always ended up being friends with people who has a pretty liberal view of the laws regarding marijuana (too this day I'm still confused that I never was offered to try it, though I wouldn't because I was a a good boy and never wanted to be out of control for fear of what I would do).
By the time I was 28 I graduated and went to work full time. It was a sedentary job, stuck in a cubical, not much interaction with other people... just the way I liked it. Things were kind of looking up.
That summer I developed an infection in my leg. I was freaked out because a year or two prior my dad lost his leg to such an infection. I went to the doctor. I had to step on a scale for the first time in a while. It went up to 350. I pegged it. It was alright because the last time I weighed myself I was about 380, and I didn't gain weight since then right? Some chronic medication for diabetes and such, some antibiotics and the infection cleared. It was back next summer though. This time it took some IV antibiotic to clear it.
Enough was enough. That fall they had a health clinic at work and I signed up. It took two scales and I weighed in at 412lbs. I realized I'd gained a knack for breaking promises to myself. Something had to change. I tried to, but ultimately by the next health clinic I still weighed the same. I had to make a change. I tried to eat better. My work was starting Weight Watchers in January and I promised myself to join it. I kept that promise.
My first weigh in was just over 390. I had left 400lbs. behind. In a month I lost another 20. Then tragedy struck and my father passed. A heart attack caused by diabetes. I stopped watching what I ate and just let myself indulge. I promised myself by the next week I'd be back on plan. I kept that promise.
I promised myself that I'd loose 50lbs. total by then end of the first 12 weeks. I kept that promise. I promised myself I'd be under 300lbs. by my birthday that summer. I kept that promise. I promised myself I'd be under my high school weight by Christmas. I kept that promise. I promised myself that I'd keep it all off and never look back.
That's were I'm at today. I got as low as the 230's and have since gained back between 20lbs. and 30lbs., but have been loosing overall for the past month. That's what prompted me to go to therapy. I don't want to backslide. I don't want to break that promise.
Accomplishing something like loosing 100+ lbs. gives you a confidence you never knew you had. It's been two years now and that confidence is waning. I'm loosing focus. I'm staring to feel those feelings of worthlessness again. I'm starting to realize I'm going to be alone forever and I'm falling back into depression. I promise I won't let that happen.
I'm talking about the major promises to myself I've broken over the years. I'm also mixing in a little bit of background on me to help paint a better picture. I'm not going to promise I won't be long winded, but I'm hoping that it will at least be readable and understandable.
I grew up in a small town in the mid-west. There were about 40 in my graduating class and about 200 in the entire high school. I was definitely on the low end of the popularity pyramid.
I was the overweight, geeky kid who was nice and kind, but no one really liked. You know there's got to be someone like that. In larger schools there's more of you, so you can find each other and bind together. That doesn't really happen in smaller schools though.
I can't really blame that for my problems. The truth is I was extremely depressed in high school. I truly hated myself. I even considered (though not really seriously) suicide. It was not a fun time to be me. I was always a happy kid before puberty. Always had a smile on my face, but as I got older the only reason I wore a smile was because I was faking it.
I could sit here and blame it on being bullied (which I most definitely was), but that would just be the easy way out. I honestly just wasn't happy. I didn't see any worth to me. I'd often sit and think about how much better everyone would be without me. I still do that sometimes. The difference is now I know that there are people who would be affected by it and I just can't do that to them.
Looking back now I realize that I really didn't love myself, I didn't see worth in myself, and if I didn't love or see worth in myself how could anyone else? That's why I never even tried to find a girl in high school (a guy would have been out of the question for such a small town). The sad thing is I now think there was probably one or two I could have had some sort of relationship with. Maybe even lost my virginity to, but I blew that chance.
There I go rambling off topic. I was an unhappy teen. I was also the type of person who ate his feelings, and when you feel really bad that's a heck of a lot of food. I graduated high school somewhere between 280 and 300 lbs. I made my first real promise to myself. "I'll get my weight under control and I will never weigh more than 300lbs."
I spent that summer convincing myself that when I got to college things would be different. I promised myself I was going to get some friends and date and have a completely new life. I went to the floor mixer, went to classes, found at least one new friend, lost a little weight (though admittedly that was because I was kind of starving myself). That all lasted for a good month or two, but inevitably I feel back into depression.
I thought even more about ending it all. I didn't, but I did get to the point where I barely left my room. I just couldn't face people. By the second semester I failed out (this is coming from someone who got a 24 and then a 27 on his ACT without prepping at all. Someone who aced every test in high school, but got B's and C's in the class because he didn't do the homework). I'd broken my promise to have a new life and felt like I ruined the crappy one I had.
The depression lasted past college and followed me back home. It stayed with me for the longest time. I managed it with food. By the time I was 21 I'd broken my promise to never weigh more than 300lbs., so now I decided I'd never weigh more than 400lbs. I also promised myself that by the time I was 25 I'd go out on at least one date.
Twenty-three came and went and I was beginning to tell myself to give up. I'd never be loved, so why bother worrying about it. When I turned 26, still dateless, still a virgin, still never been kissed, I decided that I had to accept my life as one where I was always alone. I'd broken another promise. I cried a lot at first, and then not at all.
Somehow through all that mess I found something I could enjoy doing for work, when back to college as an older student, and got a degree. I had a friend or two in college, but never was it a relationship I initiated. Actually it was weird that I always ended up being friends with people who has a pretty liberal view of the laws regarding marijuana (too this day I'm still confused that I never was offered to try it, though I wouldn't because I was a a good boy and never wanted to be out of control for fear of what I would do).
By the time I was 28 I graduated and went to work full time. It was a sedentary job, stuck in a cubical, not much interaction with other people... just the way I liked it. Things were kind of looking up.
That summer I developed an infection in my leg. I was freaked out because a year or two prior my dad lost his leg to such an infection. I went to the doctor. I had to step on a scale for the first time in a while. It went up to 350. I pegged it. It was alright because the last time I weighed myself I was about 380, and I didn't gain weight since then right? Some chronic medication for diabetes and such, some antibiotics and the infection cleared. It was back next summer though. This time it took some IV antibiotic to clear it.
Enough was enough. That fall they had a health clinic at work and I signed up. It took two scales and I weighed in at 412lbs. I realized I'd gained a knack for breaking promises to myself. Something had to change. I tried to, but ultimately by the next health clinic I still weighed the same. I had to make a change. I tried to eat better. My work was starting Weight Watchers in January and I promised myself to join it. I kept that promise.
My first weigh in was just over 390. I had left 400lbs. behind. In a month I lost another 20. Then tragedy struck and my father passed. A heart attack caused by diabetes. I stopped watching what I ate and just let myself indulge. I promised myself by the next week I'd be back on plan. I kept that promise.
I promised myself that I'd loose 50lbs. total by then end of the first 12 weeks. I kept that promise. I promised myself I'd be under 300lbs. by my birthday that summer. I kept that promise. I promised myself I'd be under my high school weight by Christmas. I kept that promise. I promised myself that I'd keep it all off and never look back.
That's were I'm at today. I got as low as the 230's and have since gained back between 20lbs. and 30lbs., but have been loosing overall for the past month. That's what prompted me to go to therapy. I don't want to backslide. I don't want to break that promise.
Accomplishing something like loosing 100+ lbs. gives you a confidence you never knew you had. It's been two years now and that confidence is waning. I'm loosing focus. I'm staring to feel those feelings of worthlessness again. I'm starting to realize I'm going to be alone forever and I'm falling back into depression. I promise I won't let that happen.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)