Pride

So as I reported in my last post that I went and saw my old high school friend.  I talked with him about my questioning and other topics.  I've been reflecting a little bit over the past day and a half and have started to realize that I feel better about things.

I've read a couple blogs from people who have come out.  It's not always pretty.  But there have been many I've read that talked about people who came out first to people they knew would be accepting (extremely close and understanding friends, friends that already identified as gay, bi, or questioning).

When I read these posts I seemed to hear the same reaction.  A sense of relief.  A sense of calm.  A sense that everything was not as out of control as it originally seemed.

I feel a little of that today.  I feel lighter.  Like I'm not as unhappy as I was before.  Like I can make it through life.  Like maybe I will be able to have a relationship (romantic, sexual, whatever).  At the same time though I think I'm starting to realize something.

I have never had a problem with anyone being gay.  My only problem growing up was how people would perceive me if I didn't appear to share their views on homosexuality.  I got roomed with someone at camp that said they were gay/questioning.  When some of the people from my school found out about this person I asked to be moved because of how they reacted.  I feel bad about that now (partly because it was a bad thing to do and partly because there could have been some experimentation--though I highly doubt it--that I would have been fine with).

Later in life when I felt more secure in not acting like I was homophobic (having a gay best friend made it easier to feel that way).  I didn't stop it when others did it, but I was no longer a willing participant (though I will admit to cracking a gay joke or two on occasion, but they never came from a place of hate).

What I don't get though is why I feel like I may have a problem if I were gay.  If I don't have a problem with someone else being gay why is it so wrong that I may be?

My friend kind of touched on this subject.  He mentioned how being gay means accepting the consequences of that.  Things like not being able to have kids that are as much a part of you as they are your partner.

I think this is a little of what is scaring me.  I think I may be gay and there is a part of me that just doesn't want to accept the consequences and wants to hold on to the notion that I can be straight and "normal."  Honestly "normal" is the wrong word.  A better world would be "traditional."

Part of me wants to try a relationship out with a girl, have vaginal intercourse, try out a traditional life, but there is another part of me that is convinced that it will not be the life for me.

I had another fantasy this morning.  I imagined being in bed with a guy.  It wasn't a particular guy.  It was a cliched setting.  He was over to fix something for me and somehow we wound up in bet together.  There were parts that were just about the cuddling and intimacy, and there were a few flashes of acts of caring, loving sex.  I have had a similar fantasy with a girl, but the sex part is normally omitted.

After having this fantasy though I thought for the first time that I may be able to have sex with someone I'd recently met.  I can see the possibility that I'd connect with someone enough to feel comfortable doing it with them.  I think I may even be able to have sex just for the sake of having sex (although I'm not entirely convinced of that.  I know that I'm really looking for a relationship).  I realize though that having sex so early isn't a foundation for a good, lasting relationship.

It's a little weird to me to be able to think along those lines.

So I guess what this boils down to is no matter what my sexuality is I need to find a way to accept who I am and take pride in that.  I need to find a way to embrace my sexuality.

Would It Be Fair?

So I'm wondering something.  Not that anyone's going to have an opinion on this because no one is really reading. :)  As I mentioned in my very first post I set up a couple profiles on a few dating sites.  I set them up searching for other guys because I was pretty sure (and still lean toward) that I would be more into guys then girls.

Now though I've been thinking of changing one of both of the profiles to be toward girls.  I tried to keep the profile as generic as I could with the specific idea that I could switch it if I wanted to, but I don't know if it's the right thing to do.

I do question if I could be with a girl.  Part of me wants to try it and find out.  I'm pretty sure at one point I mentioned the night out with a good friend of mine.  That helped fuel my confusion even more.  I was purposefully avoiding looking at her as anything other than a friend, so I was actively trying to avoid feeling anything more than that for her.  But I did enjoy myself.

I know that's hardly an emphatic declaration of my love of the V over the P, but it did inform my questioning.

I guess what I'm afraid of is that if I do decide to try dating a girl first I run the risk of really hurting someone. It seems like less of a risk with a guy (but I know it's still a risk there).  Plus as I've said before I think I can picture being with a guy better then being with a girl.

It's just confusing because I don't know what thoughts are informed by what I truly desire and raw emotion and what thoughts are just the product of this crazy, crazy brain of mine trying to over think things.

I just don't feel like my body is telling me anything and that is where the problem lies.  I honestly believe I could fall in love with either, but I just can't tell for certain which will fulfill me physically if I even really need that.

Is it right for me to even consider trying to date a girl when there's a part of me that seems to feel I'll end up with a guy?  Is it right to use a girl like training wheels?  Some of this would be simpler for me if I'd just been on one lousy date.

I'm worried that this idea of me switching to girls is just because I want to be in a relationship so badly that I'm doing it out of desperation.  I mean it wold be very hard to find a guy.  First you have to find a guy that's into guys.  Then you have to find a guy that's into you and one that you think you can be into too.  Then you have to hope they understand that you're not ready to publicly declare yourself, and you have worry that the're looking for something more physical then emotional (which is what I'm looking for).  It's all just such a mess that yes... girls seem easier.

In other news the book idea has stalled out.  I want to get back to doing it, but I've realized that I think I need to approach it from a different angle.  I need to get more into the internal stuff.  I was writing it with flashbacks and such and that was getting gimmicky and hard to get really work out.  I think I need to treat it more like an exploration of self.  Maybe a story starting in high school rather than out?  Maybe still keeping it as looking back, but focus more on the internal questioning and bring the flashbacks in when they inform the inner dialog.  It's all just a jumble right now.

A Post That's A Little All Over The Place

I'll admit that I've been kind of on an emotional roller-coaster the last week.  I just can't explain exactly why.  There is a part of me that feels broken and another part that feels lost.

I've been trying (on my own mind you) to define what I want.  I know I don't want to be alone.  I know I want someone to spent my life with.  Someone who's more than just a friend, a companion that will be there for me and I for them.

I just still cannot see who would fill that role.  Is it a guy, is it a girl?  I think both would be fine, but I question if I could truly "be with" one or the other.  It seems easier to picture myself in that situation with a guy, and I don't know why.  There's just a part of me that wonders if I could ever make that part of the relationship work with a girl.  But there's the other side that still wonders if I even really need that part of the relationship (of course it wouldn't be fair to the other party if they need it).

The thoughts and emotions are all just really too hard to put into words and even though I've make a few posts over at asexuality.org I still don't know if I really feel like I've found anyone who understands and that I can talk it out with.

I've honestly been really depressed lately.  My therapist was trying to get me to go to the gym at our last appointment.  She was only thinking like 20 minutes every couple days, but I did an hour at least 4 times a week.  I don't feel like I'm getting burnt out on it, in fact I'm beginning to like it because I feel like I can escape there.

The reason I mention this is because they say that when you work out your body is supposed to release all these endorphins that give you a better mood.  I don't know if I've ever felt that.  I don't feel like I've been getting the emotional high I should for working out.  Or maybe the emotional high is just returning me to what once was my normal emotional state.

I guess loneliness is probably the biggest emotion I've been feeling as of late.  It's weird because as an introvert I really do value my time alone.  I enjoy reading and writing.  I could sit here and do it for quite a while and be quite content, but even introverts need some interaction.  I don't want to be a hermit.  So yeah.  The loneliness is part of it.

I also feel a sense of loss.  Here I am at 33 (almost 34) and I'm still the never dated, never been kissed, lonely looser I was in high school.  I feel like I've lost out on the last 10-15 years.  I feel like I've failed... at life.  You're really only given one thing ever that is all your own.  One thing that you have to nurture.  One thing that you can't ever take back.  You're life is what God handed you and said, "You only get one, so don't screw this up," and I have.  I've missed out on so much and I have no idea if I can ever make up for it. I have no idea how to make up for it.

I don't know how to begin to try to get out there.  Dating sites don't appear to be working.  I've had a couple people indicate interest, but not anyone I feel like I want to connect with.  I've tried to take the initiative, but don't hear anything back.  I'm I being too picky?  I'm a little desperate, but I'm not to the any port in a storm stage yet.  Am I coming across as too needy in my messages?  Is my profile not good enough?  Are my pictures too plain?

I just feel like I'm on the verge of crying all the time.  I feel like I don't know who I am or what I want.  I feel like I'm going to be this way for the rest of my life.  I don't think I can handle that.  There was a time when I could, but I can't do it anymore.  I can't go through life this way.  But I have no idea if it can be changed or how to do it.

All I know is that I just hurt so much.

As If Writing Here Wasn't Enough

For some reason doing this blog and the reading I've been doing has inspired me to write some stuff down as a story.  I'm hoping that it will help me sort through some stuff.  It's loosely autobiographical.  To give an example I just got done writing a scene where the main character first feels confusion about his sexuality.  In reality it didn't happen for me exactly that way.

There are elements of other parts of my experience that helped to develop that scene (speaking of development I think I need to go back and flesh that scene out a little bit more, no pun intended), but I never had the exact experience I'm writing about.

There are other things I plan to do.  I want to get into the time when I considered suicide.  One of the things that stopped me from doing it was a cousin in another state that did do it.  However in the story I'm already planning on it being a close friend that attempts it, but does not succeed.

I don't ever plan to pass it off as 100% autobiographical only to say that it's inspired by my life.

I'm hoping to cover all of my struggles with my sexuality in it including my wondering if I'm asexual or not.  Who knows maybe one day I'll get it published.  Or maybe I'll post it as a blog serial.  Or I could always just keep it for myself.  I know though that simply doing this is going to help me face some thoughts and emotions I haven't faced for years, and I think that will be a good thing.

Courage

So I got up the courage to message the guy I mentioned a few posts ago.  It was a simple message.  Non-committal.  I even mentioned I was a little new to the game and that if he wanted to run for the hills I wouldn't blame him.  We'll see what happens.

Honestly I'm not sure if this was a good idea or a bad idea.  I probably should have brought it up with my therapist today, but I just don't think we're quite ready to start delving into the murky waters that is my sexuality on the second session.

I would have been more hesitant if the guy was right around the corner, but he's over 100 miles away, so it's easier for me to just start up an e-mail relationship with him.  By the time we get to discussing meeting in person I'll probably have a chance to ask my therapist if it's a good idea to be doing that at this stage.

I've dwelt for so many years on just what my sexuality is.  The more and more I think about it the more and more I lean toward some kind of strange combination of homosexual leaning bisexual demisexual homoromatic leaning biromatic.  Basically I'm 75% certain I'm gay, but I still question if I could have a heterosexual relationship.  I'm fairly certain I'm highly romantic leaning and will most likely not feel comfortable engaging in sex until I'm in an established relationship.  Honestly though I wonder if I throw the bi in there just to make me feel that there's hope of having a traditional life.

As I said before I believe I can see having a romantic relationship with a woman, but something about the idea of sex with a woman just doesn't feel right to me.

It's very hard to express urges and emotions that in theory I will feel.  Until I actually try to pursue them I don't think I'm never going to know exactly what feels right.

One thing I do know is I get all mushy at every Degrassi, Glee, As the World Turn, etc., gay relationship I ever see.  More mushy then I get at any straight relationship I catch (though those can still get to me).

I'm not going to pretend for a minute though that I have solved an issue that has been dogging me for 15+ years in a matter of days though.  That's just plain crazy.  I only know that if I don't start to try (and at the same time try to prepare myself for the ups and downs it's going to bring) I'll always be questioning and I'll never know the answer.

Arousal

Ok.  This post is going to be rated around PG-13 to R.  Just giving you a heads up (but you should have guessed that from the title).  Don't say you haven't been warned.

I was driving today and my mind started to wonder a little bit.  I started to think about the guy I mentioned a couple posts back, and if we somehow started a relationship, and if we somehow ended up at my house kissing and making out and maybe heading toward something more, and BAM it was getting aroused by the thoughts.

It made me wonder... would I feel the same way if I had been daydreaming about a girl?  I tried to shift my focus, but I couldn't really think of a girl to put in his place.  When I did think of one it of course didn't work because I was aware of what I was trying to do.  Trying to force something like that just doesn't work.

This kind of throws a monkey wrench into the thought of being asexual though doesn't it?  I mean if I can be aroused just thinking like this doesn't it mean that I am somehow sexually attracted?  Or is it the romanticism of the moment that was getting me aroused?  It's all just confusing to me.

I know that having a sex drive doesn't mean that you're not asexual.  And I know I still question if I can feel sexual attraction to anyone.  I know that when I think about having a relationship with someone I think more about waking up next in each other's arms each morning, sitting on the couch together and talking or watching TV, being there for each other each day.  I don't place an importance on sex.  I believe it will play a part in the relationship,but for me if everything else is going great I think I could care less about the sex.

The more and more I think about it I think I may be homosexual or more possibly homoromatic.  I could still be biromatic, but I'm beginning to doubt that I'm bisexual.  Honestly the thought of being with another guy in bed seems less foreign to me than being with a girl.

There's a part of me though that thinks it would just be easier to go out and find some person drunk enough (and that's probably going to have to be pretty drunk) to have a one night stand with.  Of course I know deep down I wouldn't like it at all because the idea of a one night stand is just repulsive to me.  When I have sex I want it to be with someone I have a connection with.  Someone who accepts me how I am.

Ugh, this is such a confusing situation to find myself in.  Writing about it helps clear my head and ease my mind a little, but I don't know if it's getting me any closer to answers.

Are All Gay Guys Horn-Dogs?

Seriously.  Lately I've been checking out some blogs from guys struggling with their sexuality.  I just stumbled across them while doing an internet search a while back.  I was really interested in them because I thought they may be able to give me some insight into who I am.  Secrets of an All American is the one that got me thinking about doing my own secret blog to chronicle my quest for self discovery.

His blog was interesting and he had links to a lot of other ones.  I followed a couple of those links and started reading.  I was surprised.  One blog just seemed to chronicle the conquests of one man.  He did have a few deeply personal posts too though.  Posts with more meaning then most of mine probably have.

But the point is I kept finding these posts on all these blogs about how they were jumping on Grindr, or chat room, or Craig's List, or something and hooking up with these seemingly random guys.

I'm I crazy for thinking there's a problem with that?  Is something wrong with me that I don't want to just hook up with a random guy (or girl)?  Am I stupid for feeling that there should be some sort of a relationship first before the sex?

Maybe it's because I'm 33 and still a virgin.  I really never thought words like sex, love, companionship, relationship were ones I'd ever truly know the meaning of.  Maybe that's why each one of them seems like a treasure that shouldn't be squandered.

I don't want to just go out and hook up.  Yeah I really, really want to loose this V card, but I don't want to do it just for the sake of doing it.  I want it to mean something for me.

Does that make me weird?

Friday Night

So I did end up going somewhere after all.  I went to do some shopping I needed to get done.  Then, despite my goal this month to conserve money and pay down debt I decided to go out to dinner and maybe try to  catch a movie (wanted to have a little fun).

Dinner alone in a crowded restaurant goes about the same every time.  You sit there drinking your beer not talking to anyone.  Just you, your drink, your food, and your smart phone.  All around you are people talking and enjoying each other's company.  The waiter always seems to be impatient for you to order (after all no one is with you to distract from your menu reading).  Once they get your order they don't seem to realize they need to move faster for you since you don't have a conversation to interrupt you and therefore are going to fly through the meal.  Then you get the check and tip them 20% (which is usually only $2-3), feel a little guilty that it's so little, yet a little satisfied because the service wasn't as quick as you needed it to be.  Then you get up and leave.

I called my brother to go to the movie.  He had friends over and invited me over.  It was a couple who I knew through him.  So I played 5th wheel.  It's not at all upsetting to be hanging out with friends who are only your friends because they were your brother's friends that you co-opted.  It's also gives you a warm feeling when the wives can have their conversation, and the husband's their's, and you get to be the third person in one of those (yeah sometimes I like to use sarcasm).  At least I got to spend some time with my nieces though.

I got home, watched some TV and then started thinking about my wants again.  Why do I feel like I don't have an attraction to anyone?  Is it because somewhere deep down I think it's socially unacceptable (either because I'm truly gay and my mind  is holding me back because I can't tell who a viable partner is, or because I still feel that being with me would be some sort of burden or black mark on that person)?  Do I just not feel attracted to anyone?

I got to thinking about high school (I was watching a show based in high school, a setting I really enjoy in movies and TV, so that may have been what prompted this).  I had girls that I had "crushes" on.  Girls who I thought were attractive in some way.  Girls who I would have loved to have been able to ask out if I wasn't me and a total outcast.

But the stars of my fantasies were always the boys.  They are the ones I thought about while alone at night taking care of the business.  I pictured doing things with them.  The girls never factored in.

I know it's going to take time to sort through all this, but I do hope I can sort through it eventually.  I really don't want to be a 5th wheel forever.

Who Am I?

So for my first post I think I'll talk about how I got myself into this mess.  I'm now about to turn 34.  I'm a guy. I'm a virgin.  Seriously.  I'm such a virgin that I've never been kissed or even gone out on a date.  I thought of the movie "The 40 Year Old Virgin" as me in a few years.  I'm also just now questioning who I am and what I want.  So sufficed to say I'm an extremely late bloomer.  Which is the reason at times I feel like a teenager stuck in a 30 year old body.  I feel like some of the questions I'm asking myself should have been answered 15 years ago.

First off one of the few questions I do know the answer to is gender identity.  I know and feel that I am male, so at least there is one thing I can be sure of.

My main question that I need the answer to is my sexuality.  I just can't figure it out.  A few days ago I was convinced that I am gay.  I decided to start to explore that aspect.  I put up a personal add on a few dating sites searching for men, but as I started to weed through the "matches" I began to question if I was truly attracted to any of them.  I would look at one and say, "He's really cute," and the next and say, "He's a definite no," and then come across one I thought just looked normal and say, "He's ok, but not great."  I don't think I ever felt an "attraction" to any of them though.

I've been able to do the same things to women in the past.  I can recognize a beautiful women.  I know one when I see one, but I'm not sure if I've ever felt an "attraction" to them either.

I don't think I'm asexual.  I've always heard the definition of an asexual as someone who isn't really able to have sexual attraction and therefore doesn't really have a sex drive.  I have a sex drive.  I express it in solitude quite often and I have a need to have sex of some sort.  I fixate on sex with a man, but now I'm really beginning to wonder if that is truly how I feel.  I know some straight people fantasize about gay sex even though they are straight.  I can picture sex with a woman, but it's not my common thought.  When I search for porn it's almost exclusively gay porn, but I'll admit I'm not sure I really enjoy it (though I do find it simulating enough).

Maybe it's the prospect of meeting someone that's freaking me out.  I mean I could find someone online tomorrow who's interested in me and I in him and we could go on a date.  So then don't I owe it to him to be 100% sure?  He'll probably be about my age and has most likely known about himself for some time.  Isn't it wrong if I lead him on only to realize, "Sorry, I like girls."

Maybe it's my Catholic upbringing that's getting in the way.  I mean gay sex is a sin.  In my head I accept that fact.  I also realize though that I want love in my life.  If I am gay and it isn't fair to a woman to be in a relationship with a man who can't love her, and it isn't fair to me to be in a relationship that isn't emotionally fulfilling.  I know in my heart I'd pursue a relationship that I can be complete in, and I would accept the eternal consequences of that (of course I may not say that in the future).  I'd also hope that I could ask God to forgive me though and realize that all I wanted to do was to find that one person he created for me to love.  I honestly don't think I have a moral issue with being gay.  I have no issue with other people being gay.

So what is it then?  What am I? Who am I?  I'm planning to start therapy soon and I'm hoping that maybe that will help shed some light for me.