Out

So today I was off to the gym.  My brother called to say they were headed over to mom's.  I decide it's the right time to talk with mom.  So I take a detour to her place.

When I get there I play around a little with my nieces.  Then I say, "Mom I need to talk to you. You know how I've been secretive about where I've been going lately."

"Lacie"

That's my friend that I came out to on Friday.  We were shopping and getting pedicures on Saturday when mom called me and guessed that I was with her.  I told Lacie that mom would think we were dating. "No.  I'm planning to start dating, and I've been going to one of the gay bars in town."

A long pause. "So you think you're gay now?"

I smile. "I've known it for a while."

"Did Kurt tell you this."

Kurt is my best friend from high school who came out to me freshman year of college. "No. I did talk with him about it though."

"But when Kurt told you you were upset about it."

"Yes for obvious reasons now.  I've been really happy the last month or so since I've accepted this."

"Well it's you're life.  You can live it how you want.  Whatever makes you happy."

And that was it.  My step-dad was even easier.  What the hell is the world coming to when coming out means nothing to anyone. :)

So now that I'm living out I'm going to reveal a little bit about me.  My first name is Darren.  I live in Wichita, KS.  Below is a picture of me as of Saturday.

By day's end Mom had called two of her sisters.  One called and the other texted their support.  They're like, "You're still Darren."  Someone please tell me what had me so worried?

Digits

I went out to the club last night and I'm so absurdly jazzed.

I was drinking and sitting at the bar.  At one point I got up to go to the restroom and ran into a guy who was asking if I remembered him.  He had waited on my mom, step father and I like 3 weeks ago. He could tell me my shirt, my phone (which we discussed that day), and remembered how many were in may party.

I'm going to specifically ask you this, Sam, have you ever remembered all that from someone you ran into three weeks prior?  Could I really have made that big of an impression?

I kinda tried some under the RADAR flirting with him that day.  He's not really my type, but I was positive he was in the family and I was being a little playful just to be playful.  I was trying to make sure my mom and step dad didn't pick up on it though.

That has solidified the fact that I need to tell my mom I'm gay.  I was already planning to do it this week, but that was another push.  I don't want to have to tiptop around things at one of the restaurants we got to together.

That wasn't the biggest news of the night though.  As I was getting ready to leave one of the staff members started to talk with me.

He asked if I was on Adam4Adam. "No"
He said it was because he thought I looked like a guy on there with the longer hair and all.
He asked if I was new.  "I'm recently out."
He asked how old.  "33."
He asked if I had been married.  "No"
He asked if I was going to be there tomorrow. "I think so."
We chatted a little bit more.  He did more of it telling me about how he first knew he was gay.  It was a kind of funny story.

The lights came up for last call.  He went over and came back with a napkin and handed it to me.  Told me to text him or Facebook friend him.  I was overjoyed.  It had is name and number on it.  It still smells of marker and is sitting right next to me as I type this.

I think he's kinda cute.  In my drunken state last night I described him as really cute.

So now I'm going to go shopping with my work friend (who I thankfully told yesterday I was gay). I need a new outfit similar, but different from what I wore last night, because I like that look.  I want it to go with my sexy red shoes though. :)

I did leave the club shaking and crying a little last night, but it was because something truly amazing happened that I just never in a million years expected to happen that night.

I went online and got a couple things I found and wanted and a reward to myself.  I'm going to have to stop doing that kind of rewarding though because I'm beginning to become a bit of a shopaholic. :)

Damn.  I'm actually doing this.  I'm actually stepping out into the dating world.  I may be reading too much into the name and number thing.  This guy has a lot of Facebook friends (I know I stalked him), but if he's even just a new friend that works there and can help me get to know some people that's great.

Like I said yesterday.  I'm a kind, good and lovable person.  I know he'll see that and it can only mean good things for me.

Dating Rules

Ok.  Now that I've settled on who I'm going to date I think I need to sent some ground rules (there may be an item or two here that will give myself away to the reader who knows me personally, but I seriously doubt anyone I know has stumbled onto this blog.

1.  Must have intelligence.  That doesn't mean an education necessarily.  It means that they need to not act stupid.  There are many people who have intelligence, but never cultivated that with school.  You can learn about someone's intelligence just by talking to them, so this should be fairly simple to apply.

2.  Should range in age from just older than my kid brother to a few years older than me.  This should put their age at around 26/27 to 36/37.  It's not that big of a deal, but I don't like the idea of someone several years older than me.  I also don't like the idea of seriously dating someone younger than my bother, though I may be willing to do other things with them.

3.  They cannot be named Kyle.  :)  I'm kind of firm on this one.  My bother's name is Kyle.  He has a friend named Kyle (who has also become a friend of mine).  His wife has a friend Kyle and her husband Kyle (who I have also gotten to know).  We have a cousin who married a Kyle.  At work there is a Kyle.  The soon to be ex-husband of my best friend at work is named Kyle.  And the friend I've been telling you about has just introduced me to an old boyfriend of his that's named Kyle (which is annoying because we share some interests, but the idea was that he can be a more local gay friend to get to know).

I once went out to the movies with about half of these Kyles.  It was nice because I could call on every one else by just saying one name, but can you imaging what it would be like to have a boyfriend with the name name as my bother?  Now a boyfriend with my name would be just plain cool.

4.  No sex.  Well not no sex, but we both have to be ready for it, and I know that I'll probably be the holdout.  I want a relationship based on something other than physical pleasure.  The more I think about it the more I won't preclude the possibility of a one night stand, but I don't think you can base a real relationship on something like that.

I'm sure there will be other rules to add to the list, but these four will govern me for now.

First Night at a Gay Club

So I talked my friend who's in town into going out tonight.  I hinted that I was thinking about a gay club.  He missed the hint, but suggested the gay club too if I wanted to push myself a little.

It was several text messages in with him finally saying that I didn't have to do it if I didn't want to when I finally said, "Fuck it" and told him that I was hinting to go to a gay bar and damned if I wasn't going to do it.

He agreed and we went.

He was running late.  That was no big deal to me.  He called to tell me he was on his way.  I sat down and pulled up a 30 minute episode of a show on Netflix while I waited.  As the episode ended I suddenly got very nervous.  It was strange.  Why should I be so nervous?

I started cleaning (when I'm nervous I either clean or eat, and cleaning seemed like the better option).  I was such a bundle of nerves.  I get this way when I am anxious about experiencing new things, going new places, etc.

When he finally showed up I had calmed, but I was still not feeling at ease.  I got in his car and went with him to the bar.  The bar s divided into two sides.  The first side has a country theme (we are in the midwest after all).  There was hardly anyone there and that put me at ease.  I had about three drinks before we went to the more wild side.

On that side there was a drag queen show.  I had told my friend before that the drag queen aspect of gay culture was the one that I didn't like the most, but when presented with it face to face I enjoyed it.  I don't know why I didn't want to experience it (maybe it was the two doubles I had when I got to the other side of the bar).

I do have to say I enjoyed myself.  I only wish that I had gotten up and danced.  Part of me wanted to, but I held back.  I don't know why.  I'll have to remedy that next time I go.

I did get to see a lot of eye candy though and had a great time watching one guy dance. :)

Coming Out to Me

I'm sure there was an earlier post or two that sounded like I'd already done this, but I don't think I ever truly have before.

I said earlier that my friend was in town and we had this huge long conversation.  I really forced myself to open up about stuff.  Forced may be the wrong word.  I wanted to open up, but I kept holding back all day. It wasn't until very late in the night that I really started to talk.

It's funny because one of the topics of conversation that day was when he came out to me.  He couldn't recall how it happened.  I know he did not intend to come out when he did.  He was very secretive and controlling of that information at the time (wow you think that would have been something that would have entered my mind).

Anyway he came out to me when we were roommates at college.  I remember the exact date (because I'm that kind of friend).  It was very late at night.  We sometimes had this thing where after the lights went out and we were both in bed we'd talk a little about all kinds of things.  This night he was talking to me about something he stumbled across online that disturbed him.  It was a piece of erotic fiction that involved a widely known religious figure from history in a homosexual relationship (I'd rather you infer what that means then me actually have to type it... I'm still a little religious remember). :)

I remember he said something that clicked with me and I asked him if he was trying to tell me something.  It was at that point he admitted he was gay.  I'm fairly certain I'm the first person he told from back home.  That was always something that meant a lot to me.  It kind of defined the relationship as a lifelong friendship.  I didn't need to really work through the question of accepting him.  He was my best friend.  It changed nothing about how I felt about him.

So it's only fitting that I basically returned the favor to him (wow does that ever sound dirty).  When we were having our discussion I opened up about fantasies I had in high school, the porn I watched, the shows that I watched and the relationships that meant the most to me in them (basically I have the viewing habits of a teenage girl because I love shows like Degrassi, and Ziley (Riley/Zane) was one of my favorite relationships (although I enjoyed the Marco/Ellie friendship almost as much, but part of that was because I really liked watching Stacey Farber and the guy that played Marco was extremely cute as he got older).

After telling my friend all this stuff it was easier to accept in myself that, yeah I'm gay.  Not 100% gay, but mostly gay.  The weird thing is I don't want the gay label though.  I don't want the bi label either.  I don't want any label.  I just want to be me.

An extremely wise person said that the hardest person, and in fact the first person, to come out to is yourself.  It's taken me nearly 15 years to do it, but I finally think I have.  I realize that I want what my friend has.  I want a relationship, and I kind of expect for that relationship to be with a guy.

This is definitely a turning point in my life.

Perspective

So I've been given a different perspective. I haven't been doing all that great with my assignment from the therapist, but the successes I've had with it have given me a little perspective that I think was the entire point of it exercise.

I need to experience confidence. I need to choose to be confident. Confident in who I am. Confident in what I've accomplished.  Confident in what I hope to still accomplish.

I experienced a perfect moment of confidence on Saturday. I had a great conversation with someone when I went to weigh in at the Weight Watchers center. We discussed both of our histories a little and she told me a little about her husband who was just beginning to start down the path of weight loss.

After that conversation I was filled with confidence. I can talk to people, and I do have interesting things to say to them.

My friend that I visited a couple weeks ago is in town visiting family this week. He came over yesterday and we had a long conversation about stuff. Basically it was a continuation of the stuff we were discussing last time we talked.  Stuff about him and stuff about me.

It took me a while, but was able to open up to him about a lot of things I've never really told anyone before. Some of my fears when it comes to having a relationship (both sexual and non-sexual). My private moments (i.e. the types of adult films I've watched, the fantasies I had when I was a teenager, the crushes I had).

It was tough at first to get some of it out, but after I did it felt good to have voiced out loud some of the things I was worried about, see how someone else reacted to it, and recognize and accept things in myself because of that.

I'm not sure if that quite makes since. Basically I feel a bit more at ease and calm. I'm not ready to shout certain things from the rooftop yet, but I don't feel as fearful of doing it.

I actually feel more ready to date (which is amazing). I'm a little excited to try to do it. It's going to be a task to find someone to do it with, and I'm going to want to start it more like a new friendship at first and ease into it.

And I think I've decided that I do feel like I would be more comfortable with another guy in the end. I'm not completely writing off the idea of ending up with a girl, but I feel more confident about having a relationship with a guy.

Now we'll see how well I'm able to articulate this to my therapist on Friday. :)

Drought

Can I just say.  I'm incredibly annoyed with shows that make it seem like a single person going month's without sex is an incredibly terrible thing, and that to go a few years without it is just unheard of and so shocking.  I can't imaging what they'd say about someone who's in their 30's an hasn't done it yet.

I know I'm not the only person out there who is this way.  I know there are others.  I've found posts from them on various forums, but in reality no one knows anyone in this situation because no one in this situation talks about it.  I know I'm not spouting it to my friends... well I spouted it to one friend, but I've basically already told you about that.

So I had my appointment with my therapist today.  I don't think it went well.  I just couldn't bring myself to talk about a few things.  I don't really know why.  Maybe it was because it was just so personal and I'm not comfortable exposing myself that much.  Maybe it's because I didn't want to cry.  I know I felt it under the surface a couple times.

She asked me a question about me thinking I was gay.  It was weird.  There was a part of me that for some reason didn't like hearing her say that.  I don't know why.

She gave me a new task to try to do, and I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it.  I'm supposed to try to make small talk with people I come across.  The cashier in the checkout line for instance.

To me it just seems weird.  Plus part of me doesn't see what good it's going to do.  I mean I'm forced to interact with this person anyway.  I'm going to try to make it happen though.

She said something else that struck me as funny when you take a look at the name of the blog.  She said that I had a kind of teenager mentality when it came to interacting with other people.

Here's the basic thing that goes on in my head (and yes I realize it's a bit crazy).  I'm not that great of a person.  That person who I would like to talk with is a much better person then me.  If they are willing to lower themselves to my level they'll come to talk with me.  I don't want to become a burden to them, so I won't talk with them.

It's weird I know, but that is honestly were my head is a lot of the time.  I don't think I'm worth knowing unless you go out of your way to get to know me.

I just don't know how this whole thing is going to work out.

Pride

So as I reported in my last post that I went and saw my old high school friend.  I talked with him about my questioning and other topics.  I've been reflecting a little bit over the past day and a half and have started to realize that I feel better about things.

I've read a couple blogs from people who have come out.  It's not always pretty.  But there have been many I've read that talked about people who came out first to people they knew would be accepting (extremely close and understanding friends, friends that already identified as gay, bi, or questioning).

When I read these posts I seemed to hear the same reaction.  A sense of relief.  A sense of calm.  A sense that everything was not as out of control as it originally seemed.

I feel a little of that today.  I feel lighter.  Like I'm not as unhappy as I was before.  Like I can make it through life.  Like maybe I will be able to have a relationship (romantic, sexual, whatever).  At the same time though I think I'm starting to realize something.

I have never had a problem with anyone being gay.  My only problem growing up was how people would perceive me if I didn't appear to share their views on homosexuality.  I got roomed with someone at camp that said they were gay/questioning.  When some of the people from my school found out about this person I asked to be moved because of how they reacted.  I feel bad about that now (partly because it was a bad thing to do and partly because there could have been some experimentation--though I highly doubt it--that I would have been fine with).

Later in life when I felt more secure in not acting like I was homophobic (having a gay best friend made it easier to feel that way).  I didn't stop it when others did it, but I was no longer a willing participant (though I will admit to cracking a gay joke or two on occasion, but they never came from a place of hate).

What I don't get though is why I feel like I may have a problem if I were gay.  If I don't have a problem with someone else being gay why is it so wrong that I may be?

My friend kind of touched on this subject.  He mentioned how being gay means accepting the consequences of that.  Things like not being able to have kids that are as much a part of you as they are your partner.

I think this is a little of what is scaring me.  I think I may be gay and there is a part of me that just doesn't want to accept the consequences and wants to hold on to the notion that I can be straight and "normal."  Honestly "normal" is the wrong word.  A better world would be "traditional."

Part of me wants to try a relationship out with a girl, have vaginal intercourse, try out a traditional life, but there is another part of me that is convinced that it will not be the life for me.

I had another fantasy this morning.  I imagined being in bed with a guy.  It wasn't a particular guy.  It was a cliched setting.  He was over to fix something for me and somehow we wound up in bet together.  There were parts that were just about the cuddling and intimacy, and there were a few flashes of acts of caring, loving sex.  I have had a similar fantasy with a girl, but the sex part is normally omitted.

After having this fantasy though I thought for the first time that I may be able to have sex with someone I'd recently met.  I can see the possibility that I'd connect with someone enough to feel comfortable doing it with them.  I think I may even be able to have sex just for the sake of having sex (although I'm not entirely convinced of that.  I know that I'm really looking for a relationship).  I realize though that having sex so early isn't a foundation for a good, lasting relationship.

It's a little weird to me to be able to think along those lines.

So I guess what this boils down to is no matter what my sexuality is I need to find a way to accept who I am and take pride in that.  I need to find a way to embrace my sexuality.

He Responded

I mentioned back in this post that this guy had shown interest in me without viewing my profile on a dating site.  And in this post I mentioned messaging him.  I actually have a followup to that, and it's about what I expected.

Like I said right after I sent the message I had second thoughts.  I kinda zeroed in on something from his profile that I actually related to.  He mentioned being a bigger guy (but he still looked pretty good, damn why did I also say something like that) and being judged by people, and I basically was trying to say that I identified with that.

My second thoughts kicked in after sending the message because I thought maybe it wouldn't come across as the understanding statement I meant it to.  Apparently I was right because in his response he said that at first the message did tick him off, but after rereading it he realized there was no reason to be.  He then went on to apologize for having not responded for so long.

I was happy he acknowledge the message.  I was also happy he took the time to reread my original message.  I wrote a quick reply back soon after he sent his message saying something to the effect of being astonished that I still can manage to put my foot in my mouth through e-mail.

I'm hoping he doesn't take the quickness of the reply as being weird.  See these are just a few of the worries that are always circling around in my head during social situations.  I can't even escape them online... it's annoying.  Stupid introverted personality. :-P

So basically it's another waiting game.  On the plus side I'm heading for a whole 10 and a half days off starting tomorrow.  It's going to be great.  I'm just planning to be around here and with family, but I may try to meet up with a friend or two to do something.  We'll see.

I know one thing though I'm going to keep up the gym days I've been doing lately.  It's been pretty steadily 2-3 days for an hour each day and one day off for the past two weeks.  I'm actually starting to look forward to it.  Maybe I'll hit my goal weight by Christmas.

Would It Be Fair?

So I'm wondering something.  Not that anyone's going to have an opinion on this because no one is really reading. :)  As I mentioned in my very first post I set up a couple profiles on a few dating sites.  I set them up searching for other guys because I was pretty sure (and still lean toward) that I would be more into guys then girls.

Now though I've been thinking of changing one of both of the profiles to be toward girls.  I tried to keep the profile as generic as I could with the specific idea that I could switch it if I wanted to, but I don't know if it's the right thing to do.

I do question if I could be with a girl.  Part of me wants to try it and find out.  I'm pretty sure at one point I mentioned the night out with a good friend of mine.  That helped fuel my confusion even more.  I was purposefully avoiding looking at her as anything other than a friend, so I was actively trying to avoid feeling anything more than that for her.  But I did enjoy myself.

I know that's hardly an emphatic declaration of my love of the V over the P, but it did inform my questioning.

I guess what I'm afraid of is that if I do decide to try dating a girl first I run the risk of really hurting someone. It seems like less of a risk with a guy (but I know it's still a risk there).  Plus as I've said before I think I can picture being with a guy better then being with a girl.

It's just confusing because I don't know what thoughts are informed by what I truly desire and raw emotion and what thoughts are just the product of this crazy, crazy brain of mine trying to over think things.

I just don't feel like my body is telling me anything and that is where the problem lies.  I honestly believe I could fall in love with either, but I just can't tell for certain which will fulfill me physically if I even really need that.

Is it right for me to even consider trying to date a girl when there's a part of me that seems to feel I'll end up with a guy?  Is it right to use a girl like training wheels?  Some of this would be simpler for me if I'd just been on one lousy date.

I'm worried that this idea of me switching to girls is just because I want to be in a relationship so badly that I'm doing it out of desperation.  I mean it wold be very hard to find a guy.  First you have to find a guy that's into guys.  Then you have to find a guy that's into you and one that you think you can be into too.  Then you have to hope they understand that you're not ready to publicly declare yourself, and you have worry that the're looking for something more physical then emotional (which is what I'm looking for).  It's all just such a mess that yes... girls seem easier.

In other news the book idea has stalled out.  I want to get back to doing it, but I've realized that I think I need to approach it from a different angle.  I need to get more into the internal stuff.  I was writing it with flashbacks and such and that was getting gimmicky and hard to get really work out.  I think I need to treat it more like an exploration of self.  Maybe a story starting in high school rather than out?  Maybe still keeping it as looking back, but focus more on the internal questioning and bring the flashbacks in when they inform the inner dialog.  It's all just a jumble right now.

A Post That's A Little All Over The Place

I'll admit that I've been kind of on an emotional roller-coaster the last week.  I just can't explain exactly why.  There is a part of me that feels broken and another part that feels lost.

I've been trying (on my own mind you) to define what I want.  I know I don't want to be alone.  I know I want someone to spent my life with.  Someone who's more than just a friend, a companion that will be there for me and I for them.

I just still cannot see who would fill that role.  Is it a guy, is it a girl?  I think both would be fine, but I question if I could truly "be with" one or the other.  It seems easier to picture myself in that situation with a guy, and I don't know why.  There's just a part of me that wonders if I could ever make that part of the relationship work with a girl.  But there's the other side that still wonders if I even really need that part of the relationship (of course it wouldn't be fair to the other party if they need it).

The thoughts and emotions are all just really too hard to put into words and even though I've make a few posts over at asexuality.org I still don't know if I really feel like I've found anyone who understands and that I can talk it out with.

I've honestly been really depressed lately.  My therapist was trying to get me to go to the gym at our last appointment.  She was only thinking like 20 minutes every couple days, but I did an hour at least 4 times a week.  I don't feel like I'm getting burnt out on it, in fact I'm beginning to like it because I feel like I can escape there.

The reason I mention this is because they say that when you work out your body is supposed to release all these endorphins that give you a better mood.  I don't know if I've ever felt that.  I don't feel like I've been getting the emotional high I should for working out.  Or maybe the emotional high is just returning me to what once was my normal emotional state.

I guess loneliness is probably the biggest emotion I've been feeling as of late.  It's weird because as an introvert I really do value my time alone.  I enjoy reading and writing.  I could sit here and do it for quite a while and be quite content, but even introverts need some interaction.  I don't want to be a hermit.  So yeah.  The loneliness is part of it.

I also feel a sense of loss.  Here I am at 33 (almost 34) and I'm still the never dated, never been kissed, lonely looser I was in high school.  I feel like I've lost out on the last 10-15 years.  I feel like I've failed... at life.  You're really only given one thing ever that is all your own.  One thing that you have to nurture.  One thing that you can't ever take back.  You're life is what God handed you and said, "You only get one, so don't screw this up," and I have.  I've missed out on so much and I have no idea if I can ever make up for it. I have no idea how to make up for it.

I don't know how to begin to try to get out there.  Dating sites don't appear to be working.  I've had a couple people indicate interest, but not anyone I feel like I want to connect with.  I've tried to take the initiative, but don't hear anything back.  I'm I being too picky?  I'm a little desperate, but I'm not to the any port in a storm stage yet.  Am I coming across as too needy in my messages?  Is my profile not good enough?  Are my pictures too plain?

I just feel like I'm on the verge of crying all the time.  I feel like I don't know who I am or what I want.  I feel like I'm going to be this way for the rest of my life.  I don't think I can handle that.  There was a time when I could, but I can't do it anymore.  I can't go through life this way.  But I have no idea if it can be changed or how to do it.

All I know is that I just hurt so much.

As If Writing Here Wasn't Enough

For some reason doing this blog and the reading I've been doing has inspired me to write some stuff down as a story.  I'm hoping that it will help me sort through some stuff.  It's loosely autobiographical.  To give an example I just got done writing a scene where the main character first feels confusion about his sexuality.  In reality it didn't happen for me exactly that way.

There are elements of other parts of my experience that helped to develop that scene (speaking of development I think I need to go back and flesh that scene out a little bit more, no pun intended), but I never had the exact experience I'm writing about.

There are other things I plan to do.  I want to get into the time when I considered suicide.  One of the things that stopped me from doing it was a cousin in another state that did do it.  However in the story I'm already planning on it being a close friend that attempts it, but does not succeed.

I don't ever plan to pass it off as 100% autobiographical only to say that it's inspired by my life.

I'm hoping to cover all of my struggles with my sexuality in it including my wondering if I'm asexual or not.  Who knows maybe one day I'll get it published.  Or maybe I'll post it as a blog serial.  Or I could always just keep it for myself.  I know though that simply doing this is going to help me face some thoughts and emotions I haven't faced for years, and I think that will be a good thing.

That Kid From Glee

So it's Father's Day.  My dad passed away a couple years ago.  This is my third Father's Day without him.  I have a tradition I started that first one where I go out to breakfast.  This year I invited my mother to go along with me.

We waited for our table and were seated much quicker then I expected to be.  Our waiter quickly came by to say "Hi" and that he would be right back to wait on us.  He was kinda cute and slightly effeminate and just seemed like maybe he could be into guys.  I tried not to look at him much because A) that's my nature, and B) my mom is sitting right there oblivious to any of the issues I've wrestled with all these years.

So the breakfast has been going well.  We chit chatted a little.  The waiter has been very nice and was really doing a good job the whole time despite the place being packed.  I've gotten up the nerve to make a little eye contact with him, but who am I fooling I'm not the type of person people are generally attracted to.  I know my place.  Once we are done eating and waiting on our check and to-go order my mom leans over to me ad says, "He reminds me of Glee."

I look back at her not quite sure if I'd heard what I thought I did, "What?"

"He reminds me of Glee.  You know the television show.  He reminds me of someone who would be on it."

I just kinda nodded and smiled and understanding.

I didn't know what to think about that comment.  She didn't say it with malice.  I'm pretty sure she knows that Glee is one of my favorite shows because, well that was me in high school.  I was in the choir.  I did solos (even went to state one year).  I was in the elite ensemble.  There was even a time I was seriously considering pursuing a career in vocal performance.

So this makes me question how much I'd be accepted if I did realize I was gay and came out to my family.  What will they think?  Will they be able to accept me?  I think so, but it's scary.  I'm so close with my mom and brother.  I don't think I could bear loosing them.

I'd already decided to keep any dating I do quiet.  I've done the same with my therapy.  Only my medical doctor, therapist, and my high school best friend know that I'm doing it.  I've thought about telling other people (especially my brother who has probably been my best friend as of late), but just haven't been comfortable with it yet.

No one knows how to find this blog.  I've told my therapist that I'm keeping it, but I haven't told her where it is.  I told her I may, but I'm not sure if that will happen.  My high school best friend knows about it too.  I plan to eventually tell him how to find it.  He once let me read a few of the anonymous forum posts he made concerning a very serious struggle he had been going through, so I feel like he should be given the same consideration.

I'm sure everyone important to me in my life will be accepting of me, but it's all still a little scary.

Courage

So I got up the courage to message the guy I mentioned a few posts ago.  It was a simple message.  Non-committal.  I even mentioned I was a little new to the game and that if he wanted to run for the hills I wouldn't blame him.  We'll see what happens.

Honestly I'm not sure if this was a good idea or a bad idea.  I probably should have brought it up with my therapist today, but I just don't think we're quite ready to start delving into the murky waters that is my sexuality on the second session.

I would have been more hesitant if the guy was right around the corner, but he's over 100 miles away, so it's easier for me to just start up an e-mail relationship with him.  By the time we get to discussing meeting in person I'll probably have a chance to ask my therapist if it's a good idea to be doing that at this stage.

I've dwelt for so many years on just what my sexuality is.  The more and more I think about it the more and more I lean toward some kind of strange combination of homosexual leaning bisexual demisexual homoromatic leaning biromatic.  Basically I'm 75% certain I'm gay, but I still question if I could have a heterosexual relationship.  I'm fairly certain I'm highly romantic leaning and will most likely not feel comfortable engaging in sex until I'm in an established relationship.  Honestly though I wonder if I throw the bi in there just to make me feel that there's hope of having a traditional life.

As I said before I believe I can see having a romantic relationship with a woman, but something about the idea of sex with a woman just doesn't feel right to me.

It's very hard to express urges and emotions that in theory I will feel.  Until I actually try to pursue them I don't think I'm never going to know exactly what feels right.

One thing I do know is I get all mushy at every Degrassi, Glee, As the World Turn, etc., gay relationship I ever see.  More mushy then I get at any straight relationship I catch (though those can still get to me).

I'm not going to pretend for a minute though that I have solved an issue that has been dogging me for 15+ years in a matter of days though.  That's just plain crazy.  I only know that if I don't start to try (and at the same time try to prepare myself for the ups and downs it's going to bring) I'll always be questioning and I'll never know the answer.

Arousal

Ok.  This post is going to be rated around PG-13 to R.  Just giving you a heads up (but you should have guessed that from the title).  Don't say you haven't been warned.

I was driving today and my mind started to wonder a little bit.  I started to think about the guy I mentioned a couple posts back, and if we somehow started a relationship, and if we somehow ended up at my house kissing and making out and maybe heading toward something more, and BAM it was getting aroused by the thoughts.

It made me wonder... would I feel the same way if I had been daydreaming about a girl?  I tried to shift my focus, but I couldn't really think of a girl to put in his place.  When I did think of one it of course didn't work because I was aware of what I was trying to do.  Trying to force something like that just doesn't work.

This kind of throws a monkey wrench into the thought of being asexual though doesn't it?  I mean if I can be aroused just thinking like this doesn't it mean that I am somehow sexually attracted?  Or is it the romanticism of the moment that was getting me aroused?  It's all just confusing to me.

I know that having a sex drive doesn't mean that you're not asexual.  And I know I still question if I can feel sexual attraction to anyone.  I know that when I think about having a relationship with someone I think more about waking up next in each other's arms each morning, sitting on the couch together and talking or watching TV, being there for each other each day.  I don't place an importance on sex.  I believe it will play a part in the relationship,but for me if everything else is going great I think I could care less about the sex.

The more and more I think about it I think I may be homosexual or more possibly homoromatic.  I could still be biromatic, but I'm beginning to doubt that I'm bisexual.  Honestly the thought of being with another guy in bed seems less foreign to me than being with a girl.

There's a part of me though that thinks it would just be easier to go out and find some person drunk enough (and that's probably going to have to be pretty drunk) to have a one night stand with.  Of course I know deep down I wouldn't like it at all because the idea of a one night stand is just repulsive to me.  When I have sex I want it to be with someone I have a connection with.  Someone who accepts me how I am.

Ugh, this is such a confusing situation to find myself in.  Writing about it helps clear my head and ease my mind a little, but I don't know if it's getting me any closer to answers.

Are All Gay Guys Horn-Dogs?

Seriously.  Lately I've been checking out some blogs from guys struggling with their sexuality.  I just stumbled across them while doing an internet search a while back.  I was really interested in them because I thought they may be able to give me some insight into who I am.  Secrets of an All American is the one that got me thinking about doing my own secret blog to chronicle my quest for self discovery.

His blog was interesting and he had links to a lot of other ones.  I followed a couple of those links and started reading.  I was surprised.  One blog just seemed to chronicle the conquests of one man.  He did have a few deeply personal posts too though.  Posts with more meaning then most of mine probably have.

But the point is I kept finding these posts on all these blogs about how they were jumping on Grindr, or chat room, or Craig's List, or something and hooking up with these seemingly random guys.

I'm I crazy for thinking there's a problem with that?  Is something wrong with me that I don't want to just hook up with a random guy (or girl)?  Am I stupid for feeling that there should be some sort of a relationship first before the sex?

Maybe it's because I'm 33 and still a virgin.  I really never thought words like sex, love, companionship, relationship were ones I'd ever truly know the meaning of.  Maybe that's why each one of them seems like a treasure that shouldn't be squandered.

I don't want to just go out and hook up.  Yeah I really, really want to loose this V card, but I don't want to do it just for the sake of doing it.  I want it to mean something for me.

Does that make me weird?

I'm hot (kinda)

So I apparently can't go a day without posting. :)

I was checking one of the dating websites I'm on and noticed that someone showed interest in me without viewing my profile (which means it's was from my pictures alone, and I had just posted a new one of me).

That kind of made me a little happy.  I took a quick peek at his profile, and I thought he was kinda cute.  Read his profile:
Smoker (strike)
Kinda curvy body (ok, but I could tell from his face he wasn't all that curvy... believe me I know)
Social Drinker (me too)
Couple years younger than me (that's good)
Christian (I like that)
In college (great)
Looking for a relationship (awesome, because I can't understand people who just hook up)
Likes dogs (bonus)
150 miles away (DANG)

But I went ahead and showed interest back, because at the very least I think it'd be cool to e-mail him.  He checked out my profile, but hasn't done anything else.  I'm seriously thinking of sending him a message though just to see.  At this point I'd be OK with a pen-pal especially one I feel I can relate to on some level (some stuff he said in his profile kinda hit home for me).

The astonishing thing about this is that he really did show interest just from the pictures.  Honestly I used to feel that I was kind of attractive from the neck up, until I was tipping the scales at 300 and 400 lbs.  Now that I'm back in the mid (and hopefully soon low) 200's I'm back to feeling that way.  It's good to be able to pick something about yourself that you like.  It gives you something to focus on when you're feeling down on yourself.

So having some stranger that I too think is kinda attractive basically confirm that was a huge deal for me today.

Friday Night

So I did end up going somewhere after all.  I went to do some shopping I needed to get done.  Then, despite my goal this month to conserve money and pay down debt I decided to go out to dinner and maybe try to  catch a movie (wanted to have a little fun).

Dinner alone in a crowded restaurant goes about the same every time.  You sit there drinking your beer not talking to anyone.  Just you, your drink, your food, and your smart phone.  All around you are people talking and enjoying each other's company.  The waiter always seems to be impatient for you to order (after all no one is with you to distract from your menu reading).  Once they get your order they don't seem to realize they need to move faster for you since you don't have a conversation to interrupt you and therefore are going to fly through the meal.  Then you get the check and tip them 20% (which is usually only $2-3), feel a little guilty that it's so little, yet a little satisfied because the service wasn't as quick as you needed it to be.  Then you get up and leave.

I called my brother to go to the movie.  He had friends over and invited me over.  It was a couple who I knew through him.  So I played 5th wheel.  It's not at all upsetting to be hanging out with friends who are only your friends because they were your brother's friends that you co-opted.  It's also gives you a warm feeling when the wives can have their conversation, and the husband's their's, and you get to be the third person in one of those (yeah sometimes I like to use sarcasm).  At least I got to spend some time with my nieces though.

I got home, watched some TV and then started thinking about my wants again.  Why do I feel like I don't have an attraction to anyone?  Is it because somewhere deep down I think it's socially unacceptable (either because I'm truly gay and my mind  is holding me back because I can't tell who a viable partner is, or because I still feel that being with me would be some sort of burden or black mark on that person)?  Do I just not feel attracted to anyone?

I got to thinking about high school (I was watching a show based in high school, a setting I really enjoy in movies and TV, so that may have been what prompted this).  I had girls that I had "crushes" on.  Girls who I thought were attractive in some way.  Girls who I would have loved to have been able to ask out if I wasn't me and a total outcast.

But the stars of my fantasies were always the boys.  They are the ones I thought about while alone at night taking care of the business.  I pictured doing things with them.  The girls never factored in.

I know it's going to take time to sort through all this, but I do hope I can sort through it eventually.  I really don't want to be a 5th wheel forever.

Trapped

I'm sitting at home on a Friday night.  It's a usual thing for me.  I just don't feel like going anywhere or seeing anyone.  That's not exactly true I guess.  The problem is I don't know how to do that.  I don't know where to go.  I'm too nervous to just show up someplace by myself, at least a place where I can meet people, and I even if I did know where to go I'd probably just sit in a corner and watch instead of trying to interact with anyone.

It's even the same way online.  I mentioned a couple posts back about sending the message to one guy and getting a couple lines of chat out of him.  I can't decide if I should take that as a polite brush-off and move on or e-mail him again just to say hi one more time.

On another dating site I actually had someone e-mail me (now that is a first), and I have an outstanding non e-mail connection (which honestly is surprising to me since it means they did that on sheer photos and headline).  I haven't responded to either of them.  I don't know if I really find them attractive first off.  I also am still worried if being with another guy is truly the right thing for me.

But honestly I'm also just scared of the whole process.  I've never done it before.  I don't have any experience to draw from.  I don't have anyone who I can trust to lead me through it.  Heck I once had to go to my much younger brother for advice about keeping my work friend a work friend.  How pathetic is that?  Shouldn't it be the other way around.

I'm tired of feeling this way, but at the same time I'm so scared of the unknown.  I can't decide which feeling is worse to endure.  I just feel... trapped.

Fleeting Moment

One more check in.  Remember how I said I had joined a couple dating sites.  Well tonight I saw this cute guy on who I'd noticed before, so I sent him a quick message saying he was cute.  I've sent a couple guys messages before.  They view my profile and then don't send anything back.  This one viewed my profile.  Then I figured that would be it.

A bit latter I got a chat request.  We had and exchange of a couple sentences and then he left the chat. :(

It was a step though, so thought I should post it.