Telling My Brother

I decided I could not wait until next week to talk to my brother.  Yesterday I sent him a text asking if he could meet me for dinner.  He sent one back saying thanks, but they were just setting down to dinner.

So this early this morning I sent him another invite for tonight.  I said that even if we couldn't have diner if we could at least talk I'd like to.  He responded back saying that if certain things fell into place we could get dinner.  By five in the evening everything had fallen into place and I was on the hook.

The last two hours of work dragged on.  I was getting increasingly nervous with each passing second.  Then I'd take a deep breath, refocus, and calm down only to have it start all over again.  I've experienced worse than this in the past though.

I got even more nervous as I got into my car and drove to his house.  I even started to question everything that I said about myself last week.  I'm not really gay or even remotely interested in guys, am I?  Do I really feel attraction to them, or is it just the taboo feeling that I enjoy?  I just need to find the right girl.  Maybe I should give my friend at work a try just to be sure.  Why should I tell him anything when I haven't even tried anything yet.

I started to think that I needed to tell him first thing, or else I'd rationalize my way out of it.  Plus if he was really upset he could just get out of the car and go back into his apartment and I could go find a place to drink.  If he was fine with it we could discuss things at dinner.  It was a great plan.

As I arrived I realized that I forgot my wallet in my desk and had no way to pay for dinner.  I told my brother that up front and we agreed to drive back to work and eat near there.  This was perfect because it would give us some more minutes to talk.

Once he got in the car he asked how things were going.  I said fine.  Then he asked what I had wanted to talk about... silence.

I just couldn't talk.  I couldn't find the words.  I knew what I wanted to say.  I knew what I had rehearsed saying (I'd been doing it in my head all day), but when I finally had to find the words they were just not escaping my mouth.

By the time we'd driven the mile or so to the freeway I started to talk about my therapy and social anxiety.  It was the only thing that I could think of to talk about that would seem like a big enough deal.  So basically I chickened out from my original plan.

We got to work and I went in kicking myself the whole way.  I kept telling myself when I got back out there I was going to get into why I had wanted him to come out with me.  I went up to my desk, retrieved my wallet and walked town the four flights of stairs to the tunnel leading to the parking lot.  The whole time I was telling myself I had to talk to him.

I got back to the car and fumbled with my seatbelt.  I needed to find the words... silence.

We drove to the restaurant.  After entering and putting out names in the hostess said it would be a 30 minute wait.  This was perfect.  We could go outside and talk... silence.  I couldn't even ask him to go outside to talk.

Dinner was half chatting about nothing and half silence.

The car ride home was him talking about Warhammer 40K updates and me nodding and thinking to myself I HAD to say something.

We pulled into his drive.  He said thank you for dinner and unbuckled his seatbelt as he got ready to leave.

"Wait.  I need to talk to you about something."

I did it I'd actually said something, but now I was kind of committed to following this through.  After a bit of silence where I was struggling to find the words he told me that I could tell him anything.

I started to say how I wanted to let him know that I planned to start dating.  He said how great that was to hear.  Then I fumbled around the next sentence.

"The thing is... When I start dating... I plan to date... I think I want to date... guys.  I'm not saying that I'll end up with a guy, but I've had these thoughts for a long time."

The next hour was filled with him being supportive, me spilling a few things, but not as much as I've spilled here and to my friend.

He said he had a couple gay coworkers and asked if it would be alright if he talked with them.  I told him he could and told him about the ex and my friend had put me in contact with so that I could maybe find a friend in the gay community.  He said he'd see about the guys at work too.

I told him he could tell his wife if he needed to talk to someone about it.  I stressed though that both of them should keep it quite for now.  I feel like I don't want to tell many more people until I've been out on at least one date, but I'm fairly certain what I'm feeling is the way it is.

He asked if he was depriving of something by not letting me tell his wife.  The thing there is I don't have a lot of trust for her right now.  If I were to tell her and ask her to keep it a secret I don't think I'd be convinced it would be kept.  If he does it I feel differently.  I told him that and he seemed to understand.

We also talked about the reactions I fear I'll see in the family and my friends.  Who will accept it, who will reject it.  For the most part I think a lot of cousins will be fine with it.  Aunts, Uncles, and my grandmother are different stories.

I don't feel quite as freed as I did last week, but I do feel a little better knowing that my bother cares for me still and knows a piece of what I've been going through.  I know it has strengthened our bond.

When Should I Come Out?

Ok.  So now I'm wondering.  When should I tell people?

I have my friend at work.  She just today (on her birthday of all days) broke up with her boyfriend.  I mentioned in an earlier post that she and I went out as friends once, but I got the vibe she wanted it to be more than friends.  She got with that boyfriend not long after the night out.  So he was the rebound guy.  On one hand it makes me want to talk with her more so that she knows I'm just not a possibility.  On the other hand I don't know how she's going to react and I really don't want to kick her while she's down.  But she's such a good friend.  One of my best friends really.  I don't know how much longer I can go on not telling her.  But it at least will explain to her how I knew exactly what shoes to wear with the new little black dress she's wearing out this weekend (j/k I'm fashion inept).

Next is my brother.  I want to tell him first in my family.  I think... rather I'm sure he will be accepting of me.  He has always seemed that way.  It will probably be a little awkward at first, but I think he'll be happier that I'm happier.  His wife is a wild card.  I may have to tell her just so he has someone to support him.  I know that she has at least one gay friend, but I'm worried that it will change how she see's me and change how she feels about me being around my nieces and nephew.  Apparently there is some bad history with her ex's family that I just don't know (nor want to know) the full story of, and I'm afraid the typical prejudice of gay men and children will pop up.

Then there is my mom and stepfather.  My dad passed away two years ago.  If he were still alive I don't know how I would tell him.  I don't know if I would have even been able to admit it to myself.  Anyway.  I think my mom is going to need some time.  That's why telling my brother first is better.  I think he can help her through it.  I really feel though that she'll realize that I'm happier and more comfortable with myself in the long run.  The stepfather is a wildcard.  He acts like he's liberal minded at times, but then he makes comments and seems to be homophobic as well.  He'll probably accept it, but be uncomfortable with it.  So no PDA with the boyfriends at family get togethers.

I have my pool friends and D&D friends.  That's a very mixed bag.  One of my pool friends openly talks about her gay friends and is very liberal minded.  I think she'll be the first I talk to (plus talking to the women in my life seems easier... weird right?).  Next would be the guy who is on my pool team and in the D&D group.  He's also liberal minded, but he worries unnecessarily at times and I think he'd be afraid about how the rest of the group would react.  He'd probably want to change the atmosphere of the group to be more clean and less gay jokes.  I don't want that at all.  I crack some of those same jokes and have never been offended.  I think they'll take on a whole new context too. :)

The rest of the D&D group is about 1/3rd going to be cool, 1/3rd wildcard, and 1/3rd scares the hell out of me to think how they may react.  I would hate if this broke up our group or something.  On the plus side I can make coming out part of the game by just making the character gay and then saying that it's how I feel too. :)

My extended family will be hard to work with.  I have some who will accept it no problem.  I have some who I have no idea what they'll think.  And I have some I deeply fear will disown me or treat me so differently that I'm uncomfortable.

As for when this will all happen I'm debating that.  My friend at work, my brother, and the girl from the pool team are the first people I'm looking to tell.  Beyond that there is my cousin who's my high school friend's (yes the same friend I've been mentioning as being gay... we come from a small town after all) sister-in-law.  My cousin and his wife (at least his wife) who I get together to play games with every once and a while.

I'm thinking I may try to hold out until after my therapist appointment next week, but I may not make it until then.  I kind of want to talk with her to see if it's a good idea.  I mentioned my feelings toward her saying I was gay and I'm wondering if she picked up on that since we didn't discuss it at all last session.  How's she going to react when I suddenly act out and proud.  Will she think it's false?  Will she think it's too soon?  I don't know.

Therapy

I told my brother last night that I was seeing a psychologist.  I'd been wanting to tell him, but it seemed like last night was the best time.  He was having a fight with his wife and I was figuring into it (basically I don't think she trusts/likes me, which is funny because she's the one who did something that shattered my trust in her, and she was upset with him because he was going to leave their twins in the car of me and my mom who just had outpatient surgery).

So he was standing his ground and she was saying that he needed to change.  He said he didn't want to be wrong.  Finally I just told him to give.  I did have a long talk with him about how I feel both of them are treating family and how I feel about how his wife is acting.

He made a comment about how irritable I had been and that being a concern of his if I should take care of the twins.  That's when I decided I needed to tell him I was seeing a therapist.

I talked with him a little about a few things I was trying to work on.  I completely left any talk about love, sex, and relationships out of it though.  As I've said before everything is pretty much hypothetical at this point, and I don't see any reason to possibly upset him since I still don't know myself.

I'm sure telling him about my attending therapy will be a positive step for our relationship.  I'm also hoping some of the things I said will sink in a little.  I know he seems to be reconsidering a decision he made for this weekend, so that at least makes me feel a little better.

It's Been a Long Week

So it's been a long week so far.  Monday I wasn't feeling too great (mainly tired and a little down), so I stayed home.  I got a call from my boss saying there was an issue that was delaying the release of our software and that I needed to log in an fix it.  I did.  And then I went into catastrophe mode.

It's funny because I had just read a couple passages a day or two ago in Quiet talking about what happens when introverts go into catastrophe mode, and I had thought to myself that I don't really do that.  When there is an issue I'm usually the level headed one who keeps everything calm.  I'm normally good in a crisis.  That is unless I caused it.

I cried for a good hour.  I called my brother and talked with him (well more like cried in his ear). I felt like I'd done so much wrong.  No only because of the mistake I made at work but because of the general shape my life has been in.  Everything just unraveled.  I was upset for the rest of the day.

The next morning I had urges to go talk with my manager.  I thought I was done for (which is really an overreaction).  I wanted to lay everything out.  But I didn't and I'm glad I didn't.  I was acutely aware of my demeanor though.  I hung my head.  I felt like I was constantly blushing.  I felt shame.  I had a typical introvert's reaction to stress.

Later in the day my boss came over for a one on one and as part of it talked with me about the issue.  I said what mistakes I made.  He acted like it wasn't that big of a deal.  That made me feel a little better.  But I still think its affected me because I still feel like crying.  Yesterday I just couldn't concentrate no matter how hard I tried.

I also am worried that my brother may have gotten onto my computer when I wasn't here and he was over taking care of our dogs.  I am usually good about closing down stuff like my blog, my support websites, my dating profile, my research, and my writing.  But for some reason I didn't.  My computer wasn't password protected (it is now though).

I just don't know.  I can't tell if he's acting weird toward me of I just think he's acting weird.  It's just adding to my stress.  I also called him tonight and found out that they were looking for a babysitter for my nieces tomorrow.  I said if they were in a pinch that I could do it and he said, "That's alright we'll figure something out."

How am I supposed to take that?  Does that mean they just don't want me around my own nieces?  Do they think I can't handle them?  Do they not trust me?  It's only adding to everything that's on my mind.

That Kid From Glee

So it's Father's Day.  My dad passed away a couple years ago.  This is my third Father's Day without him.  I have a tradition I started that first one where I go out to breakfast.  This year I invited my mother to go along with me.

We waited for our table and were seated much quicker then I expected to be.  Our waiter quickly came by to say "Hi" and that he would be right back to wait on us.  He was kinda cute and slightly effeminate and just seemed like maybe he could be into guys.  I tried not to look at him much because A) that's my nature, and B) my mom is sitting right there oblivious to any of the issues I've wrestled with all these years.

So the breakfast has been going well.  We chit chatted a little.  The waiter has been very nice and was really doing a good job the whole time despite the place being packed.  I've gotten up the nerve to make a little eye contact with him, but who am I fooling I'm not the type of person people are generally attracted to.  I know my place.  Once we are done eating and waiting on our check and to-go order my mom leans over to me ad says, "He reminds me of Glee."

I look back at her not quite sure if I'd heard what I thought I did, "What?"

"He reminds me of Glee.  You know the television show.  He reminds me of someone who would be on it."

I just kinda nodded and smiled and understanding.

I didn't know what to think about that comment.  She didn't say it with malice.  I'm pretty sure she knows that Glee is one of my favorite shows because, well that was me in high school.  I was in the choir.  I did solos (even went to state one year).  I was in the elite ensemble.  There was even a time I was seriously considering pursuing a career in vocal performance.

So this makes me question how much I'd be accepted if I did realize I was gay and came out to my family.  What will they think?  Will they be able to accept me?  I think so, but it's scary.  I'm so close with my mom and brother.  I don't think I could bear loosing them.

I'd already decided to keep any dating I do quiet.  I've done the same with my therapy.  Only my medical doctor, therapist, and my high school best friend know that I'm doing it.  I've thought about telling other people (especially my brother who has probably been my best friend as of late), but just haven't been comfortable with it yet.

No one knows how to find this blog.  I've told my therapist that I'm keeping it, but I haven't told her where it is.  I told her I may, but I'm not sure if that will happen.  My high school best friend knows about it too.  I plan to eventually tell him how to find it.  He once let me read a few of the anonymous forum posts he made concerning a very serious struggle he had been going through, so I feel like he should be given the same consideration.

I'm sure everyone important to me in my life will be accepting of me, but it's all still a little scary.

Friday Night

So I did end up going somewhere after all.  I went to do some shopping I needed to get done.  Then, despite my goal this month to conserve money and pay down debt I decided to go out to dinner and maybe try to  catch a movie (wanted to have a little fun).

Dinner alone in a crowded restaurant goes about the same every time.  You sit there drinking your beer not talking to anyone.  Just you, your drink, your food, and your smart phone.  All around you are people talking and enjoying each other's company.  The waiter always seems to be impatient for you to order (after all no one is with you to distract from your menu reading).  Once they get your order they don't seem to realize they need to move faster for you since you don't have a conversation to interrupt you and therefore are going to fly through the meal.  Then you get the check and tip them 20% (which is usually only $2-3), feel a little guilty that it's so little, yet a little satisfied because the service wasn't as quick as you needed it to be.  Then you get up and leave.

I called my brother to go to the movie.  He had friends over and invited me over.  It was a couple who I knew through him.  So I played 5th wheel.  It's not at all upsetting to be hanging out with friends who are only your friends because they were your brother's friends that you co-opted.  It's also gives you a warm feeling when the wives can have their conversation, and the husband's their's, and you get to be the third person in one of those (yeah sometimes I like to use sarcasm).  At least I got to spend some time with my nieces though.

I got home, watched some TV and then started thinking about my wants again.  Why do I feel like I don't have an attraction to anyone?  Is it because somewhere deep down I think it's socially unacceptable (either because I'm truly gay and my mind  is holding me back because I can't tell who a viable partner is, or because I still feel that being with me would be some sort of burden or black mark on that person)?  Do I just not feel attracted to anyone?

I got to thinking about high school (I was watching a show based in high school, a setting I really enjoy in movies and TV, so that may have been what prompted this).  I had girls that I had "crushes" on.  Girls who I thought were attractive in some way.  Girls who I would have loved to have been able to ask out if I wasn't me and a total outcast.

But the stars of my fantasies were always the boys.  They are the ones I thought about while alone at night taking care of the business.  I pictured doing things with them.  The girls never factored in.

I know it's going to take time to sort through all this, but I do hope I can sort through it eventually.  I really don't want to be a 5th wheel forever.