Pride

So as I reported in my last post that I went and saw my old high school friend.  I talked with him about my questioning and other topics.  I've been reflecting a little bit over the past day and a half and have started to realize that I feel better about things.

I've read a couple blogs from people who have come out.  It's not always pretty.  But there have been many I've read that talked about people who came out first to people they knew would be accepting (extremely close and understanding friends, friends that already identified as gay, bi, or questioning).

When I read these posts I seemed to hear the same reaction.  A sense of relief.  A sense of calm.  A sense that everything was not as out of control as it originally seemed.

I feel a little of that today.  I feel lighter.  Like I'm not as unhappy as I was before.  Like I can make it through life.  Like maybe I will be able to have a relationship (romantic, sexual, whatever).  At the same time though I think I'm starting to realize something.

I have never had a problem with anyone being gay.  My only problem growing up was how people would perceive me if I didn't appear to share their views on homosexuality.  I got roomed with someone at camp that said they were gay/questioning.  When some of the people from my school found out about this person I asked to be moved because of how they reacted.  I feel bad about that now (partly because it was a bad thing to do and partly because there could have been some experimentation--though I highly doubt it--that I would have been fine with).

Later in life when I felt more secure in not acting like I was homophobic (having a gay best friend made it easier to feel that way).  I didn't stop it when others did it, but I was no longer a willing participant (though I will admit to cracking a gay joke or two on occasion, but they never came from a place of hate).

What I don't get though is why I feel like I may have a problem if I were gay.  If I don't have a problem with someone else being gay why is it so wrong that I may be?

My friend kind of touched on this subject.  He mentioned how being gay means accepting the consequences of that.  Things like not being able to have kids that are as much a part of you as they are your partner.

I think this is a little of what is scaring me.  I think I may be gay and there is a part of me that just doesn't want to accept the consequences and wants to hold on to the notion that I can be straight and "normal."  Honestly "normal" is the wrong word.  A better world would be "traditional."

Part of me wants to try a relationship out with a girl, have vaginal intercourse, try out a traditional life, but there is another part of me that is convinced that it will not be the life for me.

I had another fantasy this morning.  I imagined being in bed with a guy.  It wasn't a particular guy.  It was a cliched setting.  He was over to fix something for me and somehow we wound up in bet together.  There were parts that were just about the cuddling and intimacy, and there were a few flashes of acts of caring, loving sex.  I have had a similar fantasy with a girl, but the sex part is normally omitted.

After having this fantasy though I thought for the first time that I may be able to have sex with someone I'd recently met.  I can see the possibility that I'd connect with someone enough to feel comfortable doing it with them.  I think I may even be able to have sex just for the sake of having sex (although I'm not entirely convinced of that.  I know that I'm really looking for a relationship).  I realize though that having sex so early isn't a foundation for a good, lasting relationship.

It's a little weird to me to be able to think along those lines.

So I guess what this boils down to is no matter what my sexuality is I need to find a way to accept who I am and take pride in that.  I need to find a way to embrace my sexuality.

Allow Me To Vent for a Moment

I just got back from my normal Thursday night of league pool with friends.  It's really the only night I go out each week.  We were talking and somehow the topic turned to how old we all were (one of my friends guessed my age and was only a year under to which he replied, "and I was lowballing it").  At 33 (almost 34) I'm the youngest of the group.

At the very end of the night the jukebox started playing songs from their high school/middle school days, and I was relating how I was only 5 in the early 80's when some of these songs came out.

I say I want to vent because since there was talk about high school there was also talk about young love relationships and going to prom.  Not much mind you, only a small little bit.  But that small bit just kinda got to me.

One of the guys on my team is married.  The girl has been married and is currently dating.  The other guy I don't really know that well (we don't talk much... it's that weird he's their friend and I'm their friend, but we're not really friends kind of thing), but I assume he has dated/is dating.

My point is that if the discussion had gotten going more with other people contributing I would have had nothing. I didn't have a high school romance.  I didn't have a college romance.  I haven't had an adult romance (of course I basically said all this in my first post).  I will never have those sorts nostalgic memories to add to the conversation.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not saying that I'm never going to have a romance.  I still have hope that something will happen someday, but I can never go back and change the past.  I'm never going to have the memory of being a teenager in love.  I'm never going to know what it was like kick my roommate out of my dorm room (but I do know what it's like to be the one kicked out).

It just makes me... sad.  I know you'll probably say that I can make lovely memories from this point forward.  That may be true (although right now I still have times where I find it difficult to believe anyone could fall for me), but it's not going to be the same.

Of course just thinking about the possibility of having a relationship leads me down the path of anxiety and asking, "what if."  What if I do find someone who's crazy enough to go out on a date with me?  What will it be like?  How should I act?  What if I withdraw so much because of my introversion and shyness and have nothing to say or come across as cold and uninterested?  Should I tell them that it's my first date?  How can I tell what their body language is telling me, because I know I'm completely clueless there.

Then what happens if we try to kiss?  Can I be a good kisser having never done it before?  How can I tell if I should initiate the kiss?  What happens if things get serious?

And it's thinking like that (and a much poorer self image) that put me in this situation to begin with.  Ugh.  I can't believe that such a simple, off the cuff comment could cause me so much turmoil.  I was having a good night too, but for some reason this just started eating at me.

I know, I know, I'm most likely making a much larger deal out of this then it should be.  I really think that at my next appointment I need to get the courage to bring some of this up.  We touched on it during my initial appointment.  To which the therapist said, "you're still young."  But over the last two weeks it's just been weighing on me more and more.

There are some days where it would have been easier if I had just stayed my 400 lbs. self.  I knew how to be that person.  I was miserable, but I knew better who I was when I was him.  I'm not saying I want to go back.  It's just... right now I'm lost.

Would It Be Fair?

So I'm wondering something.  Not that anyone's going to have an opinion on this because no one is really reading. :)  As I mentioned in my very first post I set up a couple profiles on a few dating sites.  I set them up searching for other guys because I was pretty sure (and still lean toward) that I would be more into guys then girls.

Now though I've been thinking of changing one of both of the profiles to be toward girls.  I tried to keep the profile as generic as I could with the specific idea that I could switch it if I wanted to, but I don't know if it's the right thing to do.

I do question if I could be with a girl.  Part of me wants to try it and find out.  I'm pretty sure at one point I mentioned the night out with a good friend of mine.  That helped fuel my confusion even more.  I was purposefully avoiding looking at her as anything other than a friend, so I was actively trying to avoid feeling anything more than that for her.  But I did enjoy myself.

I know that's hardly an emphatic declaration of my love of the V over the P, but it did inform my questioning.

I guess what I'm afraid of is that if I do decide to try dating a girl first I run the risk of really hurting someone. It seems like less of a risk with a guy (but I know it's still a risk there).  Plus as I've said before I think I can picture being with a guy better then being with a girl.

It's just confusing because I don't know what thoughts are informed by what I truly desire and raw emotion and what thoughts are just the product of this crazy, crazy brain of mine trying to over think things.

I just don't feel like my body is telling me anything and that is where the problem lies.  I honestly believe I could fall in love with either, but I just can't tell for certain which will fulfill me physically if I even really need that.

Is it right for me to even consider trying to date a girl when there's a part of me that seems to feel I'll end up with a guy?  Is it right to use a girl like training wheels?  Some of this would be simpler for me if I'd just been on one lousy date.

I'm worried that this idea of me switching to girls is just because I want to be in a relationship so badly that I'm doing it out of desperation.  I mean it wold be very hard to find a guy.  First you have to find a guy that's into guys.  Then you have to find a guy that's into you and one that you think you can be into too.  Then you have to hope they understand that you're not ready to publicly declare yourself, and you have worry that the're looking for something more physical then emotional (which is what I'm looking for).  It's all just such a mess that yes... girls seem easier.

In other news the book idea has stalled out.  I want to get back to doing it, but I've realized that I think I need to approach it from a different angle.  I need to get more into the internal stuff.  I was writing it with flashbacks and such and that was getting gimmicky and hard to get really work out.  I think I need to treat it more like an exploration of self.  Maybe a story starting in high school rather than out?  Maybe still keeping it as looking back, but focus more on the internal questioning and bring the flashbacks in when they inform the inner dialog.  It's all just a jumble right now.

A Post That's A Little All Over The Place

I'll admit that I've been kind of on an emotional roller-coaster the last week.  I just can't explain exactly why.  There is a part of me that feels broken and another part that feels lost.

I've been trying (on my own mind you) to define what I want.  I know I don't want to be alone.  I know I want someone to spent my life with.  Someone who's more than just a friend, a companion that will be there for me and I for them.

I just still cannot see who would fill that role.  Is it a guy, is it a girl?  I think both would be fine, but I question if I could truly "be with" one or the other.  It seems easier to picture myself in that situation with a guy, and I don't know why.  There's just a part of me that wonders if I could ever make that part of the relationship work with a girl.  But there's the other side that still wonders if I even really need that part of the relationship (of course it wouldn't be fair to the other party if they need it).

The thoughts and emotions are all just really too hard to put into words and even though I've make a few posts over at asexuality.org I still don't know if I really feel like I've found anyone who understands and that I can talk it out with.

I've honestly been really depressed lately.  My therapist was trying to get me to go to the gym at our last appointment.  She was only thinking like 20 minutes every couple days, but I did an hour at least 4 times a week.  I don't feel like I'm getting burnt out on it, in fact I'm beginning to like it because I feel like I can escape there.

The reason I mention this is because they say that when you work out your body is supposed to release all these endorphins that give you a better mood.  I don't know if I've ever felt that.  I don't feel like I've been getting the emotional high I should for working out.  Or maybe the emotional high is just returning me to what once was my normal emotional state.

I guess loneliness is probably the biggest emotion I've been feeling as of late.  It's weird because as an introvert I really do value my time alone.  I enjoy reading and writing.  I could sit here and do it for quite a while and be quite content, but even introverts need some interaction.  I don't want to be a hermit.  So yeah.  The loneliness is part of it.

I also feel a sense of loss.  Here I am at 33 (almost 34) and I'm still the never dated, never been kissed, lonely looser I was in high school.  I feel like I've lost out on the last 10-15 years.  I feel like I've failed... at life.  You're really only given one thing ever that is all your own.  One thing that you have to nurture.  One thing that you can't ever take back.  You're life is what God handed you and said, "You only get one, so don't screw this up," and I have.  I've missed out on so much and I have no idea if I can ever make up for it. I have no idea how to make up for it.

I don't know how to begin to try to get out there.  Dating sites don't appear to be working.  I've had a couple people indicate interest, but not anyone I feel like I want to connect with.  I've tried to take the initiative, but don't hear anything back.  I'm I being too picky?  I'm a little desperate, but I'm not to the any port in a storm stage yet.  Am I coming across as too needy in my messages?  Is my profile not good enough?  Are my pictures too plain?

I just feel like I'm on the verge of crying all the time.  I feel like I don't know who I am or what I want.  I feel like I'm going to be this way for the rest of my life.  I don't think I can handle that.  There was a time when I could, but I can't do it anymore.  I can't go through life this way.  But I have no idea if it can be changed or how to do it.

All I know is that I just hurt so much.

That Kid From Glee

So it's Father's Day.  My dad passed away a couple years ago.  This is my third Father's Day without him.  I have a tradition I started that first one where I go out to breakfast.  This year I invited my mother to go along with me.

We waited for our table and were seated much quicker then I expected to be.  Our waiter quickly came by to say "Hi" and that he would be right back to wait on us.  He was kinda cute and slightly effeminate and just seemed like maybe he could be into guys.  I tried not to look at him much because A) that's my nature, and B) my mom is sitting right there oblivious to any of the issues I've wrestled with all these years.

So the breakfast has been going well.  We chit chatted a little.  The waiter has been very nice and was really doing a good job the whole time despite the place being packed.  I've gotten up the nerve to make a little eye contact with him, but who am I fooling I'm not the type of person people are generally attracted to.  I know my place.  Once we are done eating and waiting on our check and to-go order my mom leans over to me ad says, "He reminds me of Glee."

I look back at her not quite sure if I'd heard what I thought I did, "What?"

"He reminds me of Glee.  You know the television show.  He reminds me of someone who would be on it."

I just kinda nodded and smiled and understanding.

I didn't know what to think about that comment.  She didn't say it with malice.  I'm pretty sure she knows that Glee is one of my favorite shows because, well that was me in high school.  I was in the choir.  I did solos (even went to state one year).  I was in the elite ensemble.  There was even a time I was seriously considering pursuing a career in vocal performance.

So this makes me question how much I'd be accepted if I did realize I was gay and came out to my family.  What will they think?  Will they be able to accept me?  I think so, but it's scary.  I'm so close with my mom and brother.  I don't think I could bear loosing them.

I'd already decided to keep any dating I do quiet.  I've done the same with my therapy.  Only my medical doctor, therapist, and my high school best friend know that I'm doing it.  I've thought about telling other people (especially my brother who has probably been my best friend as of late), but just haven't been comfortable with it yet.

No one knows how to find this blog.  I've told my therapist that I'm keeping it, but I haven't told her where it is.  I told her I may, but I'm not sure if that will happen.  My high school best friend knows about it too.  I plan to eventually tell him how to find it.  He once let me read a few of the anonymous forum posts he made concerning a very serious struggle he had been going through, so I feel like he should be given the same consideration.

I'm sure everyone important to me in my life will be accepting of me, but it's all still a little scary.

Are All Gay Guys Horn-Dogs?

Seriously.  Lately I've been checking out some blogs from guys struggling with their sexuality.  I just stumbled across them while doing an internet search a while back.  I was really interested in them because I thought they may be able to give me some insight into who I am.  Secrets of an All American is the one that got me thinking about doing my own secret blog to chronicle my quest for self discovery.

His blog was interesting and he had links to a lot of other ones.  I followed a couple of those links and started reading.  I was surprised.  One blog just seemed to chronicle the conquests of one man.  He did have a few deeply personal posts too though.  Posts with more meaning then most of mine probably have.

But the point is I kept finding these posts on all these blogs about how they were jumping on Grindr, or chat room, or Craig's List, or something and hooking up with these seemingly random guys.

I'm I crazy for thinking there's a problem with that?  Is something wrong with me that I don't want to just hook up with a random guy (or girl)?  Am I stupid for feeling that there should be some sort of a relationship first before the sex?

Maybe it's because I'm 33 and still a virgin.  I really never thought words like sex, love, companionship, relationship were ones I'd ever truly know the meaning of.  Maybe that's why each one of them seems like a treasure that shouldn't be squandered.

I don't want to just go out and hook up.  Yeah I really, really want to loose this V card, but I don't want to do it just for the sake of doing it.  I want it to mean something for me.

Does that make me weird?

Downer Day

Today has just been kind of a downer day.  I don't know why.  I just can't feel happy, but I'm not really sad either.  I'm just kind of "meh."  I should be a little happy because I did end up loosing at weigh in, but no.

I'm beginning to feel a little anxious about my appointment with the therapist next week.  I've never done anything like this before, and I question what it's going to be like.  What should I say?  Will I even be able to say anything?  Should I tell anyone that I'm seeing a therapist?  I especially wonder because I know I haven't been me at work and I'm getting a little paranoid that I'll end up pissing someone off and then find myself without a job.

I just have this feeling that my lead is laying the ground work to get me out the door even though I'm sure that's not the case part of me just feels that way.

It's the same way with my friends.  I just don't feel like I trust them.  Every side conversation they have with each other concerns me.  I hate feeling this way.  A big part of my brain knows I'm overreacting, but there's this little voice in my head that keeps telling me, "but what if you're not."

I just wish I could be happy and confident in myself again like I was a year ago.

Lacking Skillz

Probably one of the hardest things I'm going to have to overcome as I venture out into the dating world is my complete lack of experience.  I have no game of any kind.  Not many people in their 30's can say that.  I don't know how to talk to someone or how to show them that I'm interested.

I get extremely nervous in situations where I'm expected to be social, especially when it's with people I don't know.  I can handle most every day situations, and after 5 years at my job I no longer have a problem speaking up when I'm in a meeting with people I've known for a while, but add a couple new people into the mix and I clam up.

So it's understandable that I have no idea how to talk or act around someone who I'd like to date.  So many people take that development from their teens/early twenties for granted.  It's probably the biggest fear I have right now.

"Will they be able to tell I'm completely new to this?"

"Should I tell them my history up front?"

"How do I know that they're having a good time or are into me or are wanting to leave?"

"Do they like me?"

"How was I supposed to take that last thing they said?"

"What am I supposed to do?"

It just scares the crap out of me.  I'm so far behind the curve I feel like I'll never catch up, and I fear that I'll automatically be written off when I don't know what's going on and how I'm supposed to respond.

For instance.  I went out for a night with a good friend of mine.  Like I said in an earlier post I'm still questioning myself and still trying to see myself as someone that somebody would want.  I planned to go out with her as a friend and nothing more.  She'd just broken up with her husband.  My brother and his wife had just moved out of my place.  We were both alone and down and it seemed like a good way for both of us to cheer up a little.

She suggested the restaurant and paid for the meal, then we went to a bar to watch karaoke and I got the drinks.  While we were talking she was kinda looking at me.  At one point I smiled and asked her, "What."  Her response was that I was a smart guy and I should know.

My thought was, "I may be book smart, but I'm at a total loss here."  Obviously her comment clued me into what the look probably meant.

I spent the rest of the night sitting next to her and talking and singing along with the song.  I didn't try anything because frankly I didn't want to see her like that (she's just too good of a friend), and as I said I'm questioning if I even would see her like that.

The end of the night was rather awkward for me.  We kinda went outside, waved, and walked our separate ways.  She had a strange look on her face and I'm not sure if she wanted something more or what.

I was totally clueless and unable to tell anything.  I went over and over the night in my head that evening and the next day.  I do that sometimes when I feel like I've messed up around people.  I try to find my mistakes. I talk down how I acted.  It's like a small bout of depression and obsession that lasts for a few hours to a few days.  It's terrible.  I hate it.  For some reason I always do it tough.  Sometimes I even have bouts after meeting up with friends who I've known for years.

I just don't understand it, but I do know that it is one of the reasons I don't like to do new things that involve social interaction.

Case in point last night.  I sent that e-mail to the guy and waited on pins and needles to see if he'd view my profile and respond.  To my surprise he started a chat.  After just two exchanges each he left the chat.  I've been wondering all day what could have gone wrong with it?  Was he not really looking for a guy?  Was it something I had said or the way I said something in the exchange?  Should I send him another e-mail?  Should I try to chat with him again?  I don't know what's acceptable and what's not.

I'm really hoping when I see my therapist for the first time next week I'll have the courage to mention some of this stuff to her.  Of course I'm already a little anxious about meeting and talking to her and I'm wondering if she's going to see the quiet me, the over-talkative me, or the normal every day me.

Who Am I?

So for my first post I think I'll talk about how I got myself into this mess.  I'm now about to turn 34.  I'm a guy. I'm a virgin.  Seriously.  I'm such a virgin that I've never been kissed or even gone out on a date.  I thought of the movie "The 40 Year Old Virgin" as me in a few years.  I'm also just now questioning who I am and what I want.  So sufficed to say I'm an extremely late bloomer.  Which is the reason at times I feel like a teenager stuck in a 30 year old body.  I feel like some of the questions I'm asking myself should have been answered 15 years ago.

First off one of the few questions I do know the answer to is gender identity.  I know and feel that I am male, so at least there is one thing I can be sure of.

My main question that I need the answer to is my sexuality.  I just can't figure it out.  A few days ago I was convinced that I am gay.  I decided to start to explore that aspect.  I put up a personal add on a few dating sites searching for men, but as I started to weed through the "matches" I began to question if I was truly attracted to any of them.  I would look at one and say, "He's really cute," and the next and say, "He's a definite no," and then come across one I thought just looked normal and say, "He's ok, but not great."  I don't think I ever felt an "attraction" to any of them though.

I've been able to do the same things to women in the past.  I can recognize a beautiful women.  I know one when I see one, but I'm not sure if I've ever felt an "attraction" to them either.

I don't think I'm asexual.  I've always heard the definition of an asexual as someone who isn't really able to have sexual attraction and therefore doesn't really have a sex drive.  I have a sex drive.  I express it in solitude quite often and I have a need to have sex of some sort.  I fixate on sex with a man, but now I'm really beginning to wonder if that is truly how I feel.  I know some straight people fantasize about gay sex even though they are straight.  I can picture sex with a woman, but it's not my common thought.  When I search for porn it's almost exclusively gay porn, but I'll admit I'm not sure I really enjoy it (though I do find it simulating enough).

Maybe it's the prospect of meeting someone that's freaking me out.  I mean I could find someone online tomorrow who's interested in me and I in him and we could go on a date.  So then don't I owe it to him to be 100% sure?  He'll probably be about my age and has most likely known about himself for some time.  Isn't it wrong if I lead him on only to realize, "Sorry, I like girls."

Maybe it's my Catholic upbringing that's getting in the way.  I mean gay sex is a sin.  In my head I accept that fact.  I also realize though that I want love in my life.  If I am gay and it isn't fair to a woman to be in a relationship with a man who can't love her, and it isn't fair to me to be in a relationship that isn't emotionally fulfilling.  I know in my heart I'd pursue a relationship that I can be complete in, and I would accept the eternal consequences of that (of course I may not say that in the future).  I'd also hope that I could ask God to forgive me though and realize that all I wanted to do was to find that one person he created for me to love.  I honestly don't think I have a moral issue with being gay.  I have no issue with other people being gay.

So what is it then?  What am I? Who am I?  I'm planning to start therapy soon and I'm hoping that maybe that will help shed some light for me.