Friday Night

So I did end up going somewhere after all.  I went to do some shopping I needed to get done.  Then, despite my goal this month to conserve money and pay down debt I decided to go out to dinner and maybe try to  catch a movie (wanted to have a little fun).

Dinner alone in a crowded restaurant goes about the same every time.  You sit there drinking your beer not talking to anyone.  Just you, your drink, your food, and your smart phone.  All around you are people talking and enjoying each other's company.  The waiter always seems to be impatient for you to order (after all no one is with you to distract from your menu reading).  Once they get your order they don't seem to realize they need to move faster for you since you don't have a conversation to interrupt you and therefore are going to fly through the meal.  Then you get the check and tip them 20% (which is usually only $2-3), feel a little guilty that it's so little, yet a little satisfied because the service wasn't as quick as you needed it to be.  Then you get up and leave.

I called my brother to go to the movie.  He had friends over and invited me over.  It was a couple who I knew through him.  So I played 5th wheel.  It's not at all upsetting to be hanging out with friends who are only your friends because they were your brother's friends that you co-opted.  It's also gives you a warm feeling when the wives can have their conversation, and the husband's their's, and you get to be the third person in one of those (yeah sometimes I like to use sarcasm).  At least I got to spend some time with my nieces though.

I got home, watched some TV and then started thinking about my wants again.  Why do I feel like I don't have an attraction to anyone?  Is it because somewhere deep down I think it's socially unacceptable (either because I'm truly gay and my mind  is holding me back because I can't tell who a viable partner is, or because I still feel that being with me would be some sort of burden or black mark on that person)?  Do I just not feel attracted to anyone?

I got to thinking about high school (I was watching a show based in high school, a setting I really enjoy in movies and TV, so that may have been what prompted this).  I had girls that I had "crushes" on.  Girls who I thought were attractive in some way.  Girls who I would have loved to have been able to ask out if I wasn't me and a total outcast.

But the stars of my fantasies were always the boys.  They are the ones I thought about while alone at night taking care of the business.  I pictured doing things with them.  The girls never factored in.

I know it's going to take time to sort through all this, but I do hope I can sort through it eventually.  I really don't want to be a 5th wheel forever.

Trapped

I'm sitting at home on a Friday night.  It's a usual thing for me.  I just don't feel like going anywhere or seeing anyone.  That's not exactly true I guess.  The problem is I don't know how to do that.  I don't know where to go.  I'm too nervous to just show up someplace by myself, at least a place where I can meet people, and I even if I did know where to go I'd probably just sit in a corner and watch instead of trying to interact with anyone.

It's even the same way online.  I mentioned a couple posts back about sending the message to one guy and getting a couple lines of chat out of him.  I can't decide if I should take that as a polite brush-off and move on or e-mail him again just to say hi one more time.

On another dating site I actually had someone e-mail me (now that is a first), and I have an outstanding non e-mail connection (which honestly is surprising to me since it means they did that on sheer photos and headline).  I haven't responded to either of them.  I don't know if I really find them attractive first off.  I also am still worried if being with another guy is truly the right thing for me.

But honestly I'm also just scared of the whole process.  I've never done it before.  I don't have any experience to draw from.  I don't have anyone who I can trust to lead me through it.  Heck I once had to go to my much younger brother for advice about keeping my work friend a work friend.  How pathetic is that?  Shouldn't it be the other way around.

I'm tired of feeling this way, but at the same time I'm so scared of the unknown.  I can't decide which feeling is worse to endure.  I just feel... trapped.

Downer Day

Today has just been kind of a downer day.  I don't know why.  I just can't feel happy, but I'm not really sad either.  I'm just kind of "meh."  I should be a little happy because I did end up loosing at weigh in, but no.

I'm beginning to feel a little anxious about my appointment with the therapist next week.  I've never done anything like this before, and I question what it's going to be like.  What should I say?  Will I even be able to say anything?  Should I tell anyone that I'm seeing a therapist?  I especially wonder because I know I haven't been me at work and I'm getting a little paranoid that I'll end up pissing someone off and then find myself without a job.

I just have this feeling that my lead is laying the ground work to get me out the door even though I'm sure that's not the case part of me just feels that way.

It's the same way with my friends.  I just don't feel like I trust them.  Every side conversation they have with each other concerns me.  I hate feeling this way.  A big part of my brain knows I'm overreacting, but there's this little voice in my head that keeps telling me, "but what if you're not."

I just wish I could be happy and confident in myself again like I was a year ago.

Lacking Skillz

Probably one of the hardest things I'm going to have to overcome as I venture out into the dating world is my complete lack of experience.  I have no game of any kind.  Not many people in their 30's can say that.  I don't know how to talk to someone or how to show them that I'm interested.

I get extremely nervous in situations where I'm expected to be social, especially when it's with people I don't know.  I can handle most every day situations, and after 5 years at my job I no longer have a problem speaking up when I'm in a meeting with people I've known for a while, but add a couple new people into the mix and I clam up.

So it's understandable that I have no idea how to talk or act around someone who I'd like to date.  So many people take that development from their teens/early twenties for granted.  It's probably the biggest fear I have right now.

"Will they be able to tell I'm completely new to this?"

"Should I tell them my history up front?"

"How do I know that they're having a good time or are into me or are wanting to leave?"

"Do they like me?"

"How was I supposed to take that last thing they said?"

"What am I supposed to do?"

It just scares the crap out of me.  I'm so far behind the curve I feel like I'll never catch up, and I fear that I'll automatically be written off when I don't know what's going on and how I'm supposed to respond.

For instance.  I went out for a night with a good friend of mine.  Like I said in an earlier post I'm still questioning myself and still trying to see myself as someone that somebody would want.  I planned to go out with her as a friend and nothing more.  She'd just broken up with her husband.  My brother and his wife had just moved out of my place.  We were both alone and down and it seemed like a good way for both of us to cheer up a little.

She suggested the restaurant and paid for the meal, then we went to a bar to watch karaoke and I got the drinks.  While we were talking she was kinda looking at me.  At one point I smiled and asked her, "What."  Her response was that I was a smart guy and I should know.

My thought was, "I may be book smart, but I'm at a total loss here."  Obviously her comment clued me into what the look probably meant.

I spent the rest of the night sitting next to her and talking and singing along with the song.  I didn't try anything because frankly I didn't want to see her like that (she's just too good of a friend), and as I said I'm questioning if I even would see her like that.

The end of the night was rather awkward for me.  We kinda went outside, waved, and walked our separate ways.  She had a strange look on her face and I'm not sure if she wanted something more or what.

I was totally clueless and unable to tell anything.  I went over and over the night in my head that evening and the next day.  I do that sometimes when I feel like I've messed up around people.  I try to find my mistakes. I talk down how I acted.  It's like a small bout of depression and obsession that lasts for a few hours to a few days.  It's terrible.  I hate it.  For some reason I always do it tough.  Sometimes I even have bouts after meeting up with friends who I've known for years.

I just don't understand it, but I do know that it is one of the reasons I don't like to do new things that involve social interaction.

Case in point last night.  I sent that e-mail to the guy and waited on pins and needles to see if he'd view my profile and respond.  To my surprise he started a chat.  After just two exchanges each he left the chat.  I've been wondering all day what could have gone wrong with it?  Was he not really looking for a guy?  Was it something I had said or the way I said something in the exchange?  Should I send him another e-mail?  Should I try to chat with him again?  I don't know what's acceptable and what's not.

I'm really hoping when I see my therapist for the first time next week I'll have the courage to mention some of this stuff to her.  Of course I'm already a little anxious about meeting and talking to her and I'm wondering if she's going to see the quiet me, the over-talkative me, or the normal every day me.

Fleeting Moment

One more check in.  Remember how I said I had joined a couple dating sites.  Well tonight I saw this cute guy on who I'd noticed before, so I sent him a quick message saying he was cute.  I've sent a couple guys messages before.  They view my profile and then don't send anything back.  This one viewed my profile.  Then I figured that would be it.

A bit latter I got a chat request.  We had and exchange of a couple sentences and then he left the chat. :(

It was a step though, so thought I should post it.