I'll admit that I've been kind of on an emotional roller-coaster the last week. I just can't explain exactly why. There is a part of me that feels broken and another part that feels lost.
I've been trying (on my own mind you) to define what I want. I know I don't want to be alone. I know I want someone to spent my life with. Someone who's more than just a friend, a companion that will be there for me and I for them.
I just still cannot see who would fill that role. Is it a guy, is it a girl? I think both would be fine, but I question if I could truly "be with" one or the other. It seems easier to picture myself in that situation with a guy, and I don't know why. There's just a part of me that wonders if I could ever make that part of the relationship work with a girl. But there's the other side that still wonders if I even really need that part of the relationship (of course it wouldn't be fair to the other party if they need it).
The thoughts and emotions are all just really too hard to put into words and even though I've make a few posts over at asexuality.org I still don't know if I really feel like I've found anyone who understands and that I can talk it out with.
I've honestly been really depressed lately. My therapist was trying to get me to go to the gym at our last appointment. She was only thinking like 20 minutes every couple days, but I did an hour at least 4 times a week. I don't feel like I'm getting burnt out on it, in fact I'm beginning to like it because I feel like I can escape there.
The reason I mention this is because they say that when you work out your body is supposed to release all these endorphins that give you a better mood. I don't know if I've ever felt that. I don't feel like I've been getting the emotional high I should for working out. Or maybe the emotional high is just returning me to what once was my normal emotional state.
I guess loneliness is probably the biggest emotion I've been feeling as of late. It's weird because as an introvert I really do value my time alone. I enjoy reading and writing. I could sit here and do it for quite a while and be quite content, but even introverts need some interaction. I don't want to be a hermit. So yeah. The loneliness is part of it.
I also feel a sense of loss. Here I am at 33 (almost 34) and I'm still the never dated, never been kissed, lonely looser I was in high school. I feel like I've lost out on the last 10-15 years. I feel like I've failed... at life. You're really only given one thing ever that is all your own. One thing that you have to nurture. One thing that you can't ever take back. You're life is what God handed you and said, "You only get one, so don't screw this up," and I have. I've missed out on so much and I have no idea if I can ever make up for it. I have no idea how to make up for it.
I don't know how to begin to try to get out there. Dating sites don't appear to be working. I've had a couple people indicate interest, but not anyone I feel like I want to connect with. I've tried to take the initiative, but don't hear anything back. I'm I being too picky? I'm a little desperate, but I'm not to the any port in a storm stage yet. Am I coming across as too needy in my messages? Is my profile not good enough? Are my pictures too plain?
I just feel like I'm on the verge of crying all the time. I feel like I don't know who I am or what I want. I feel like I'm going to be this way for the rest of my life. I don't think I can handle that. There was a time when I could, but I can't do it anymore. I can't go through life this way. But I have no idea if it can be changed or how to do it.
All I know is that I just hurt so much.
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