Courage

So I got up the courage to message the guy I mentioned a few posts ago.  It was a simple message.  Non-committal.  I even mentioned I was a little new to the game and that if he wanted to run for the hills I wouldn't blame him.  We'll see what happens.

Honestly I'm not sure if this was a good idea or a bad idea.  I probably should have brought it up with my therapist today, but I just don't think we're quite ready to start delving into the murky waters that is my sexuality on the second session.

I would have been more hesitant if the guy was right around the corner, but he's over 100 miles away, so it's easier for me to just start up an e-mail relationship with him.  By the time we get to discussing meeting in person I'll probably have a chance to ask my therapist if it's a good idea to be doing that at this stage.

I've dwelt for so many years on just what my sexuality is.  The more and more I think about it the more and more I lean toward some kind of strange combination of homosexual leaning bisexual demisexual homoromatic leaning biromatic.  Basically I'm 75% certain I'm gay, but I still question if I could have a heterosexual relationship.  I'm fairly certain I'm highly romantic leaning and will most likely not feel comfortable engaging in sex until I'm in an established relationship.  Honestly though I wonder if I throw the bi in there just to make me feel that there's hope of having a traditional life.

As I said before I believe I can see having a romantic relationship with a woman, but something about the idea of sex with a woman just doesn't feel right to me.

It's very hard to express urges and emotions that in theory I will feel.  Until I actually try to pursue them I don't think I'm never going to know exactly what feels right.

One thing I do know is I get all mushy at every Degrassi, Glee, As the World Turn, etc., gay relationship I ever see.  More mushy then I get at any straight relationship I catch (though those can still get to me).

I'm not going to pretend for a minute though that I have solved an issue that has been dogging me for 15+ years in a matter of days though.  That's just plain crazy.  I only know that if I don't start to try (and at the same time try to prepare myself for the ups and downs it's going to bring) I'll always be questioning and I'll never know the answer.