I decided I could not wait until next week to talk to my brother. Yesterday I sent him a text asking if he could meet me for dinner. He sent one back saying thanks, but they were just setting down to dinner.
So this early this morning I sent him another invite for tonight. I said that even if we couldn't have diner if we could at least talk I'd like to. He responded back saying that if certain things fell into place we could get dinner. By five in the evening everything had fallen into place and I was on the hook.
The last two hours of work dragged on. I was getting increasingly nervous with each passing second. Then I'd take a deep breath, refocus, and calm down only to have it start all over again. I've experienced worse than this in the past though.
I got even more nervous as I got into my car and drove to his house. I even started to question everything that I said about myself last week. I'm not really gay or even remotely interested in guys, am I? Do I really feel attraction to them, or is it just the taboo feeling that I enjoy? I just need to find the right girl. Maybe I should give my friend at work a try just to be sure. Why should I tell him anything when I haven't even tried anything yet.
I started to think that I needed to tell him first thing, or else I'd rationalize my way out of it. Plus if he was really upset he could just get out of the car and go back into his apartment and I could go find a place to drink. If he was fine with it we could discuss things at dinner. It was a great plan.
As I arrived I realized that I forgot my wallet in my desk and had no way to pay for dinner. I told my brother that up front and we agreed to drive back to work and eat near there. This was perfect because it would give us some more minutes to talk.
Once he got in the car he asked how things were going. I said fine. Then he asked what I had wanted to talk about... silence.
I just couldn't talk. I couldn't find the words. I knew what I wanted to say. I knew what I had rehearsed saying (I'd been doing it in my head all day), but when I finally had to find the words they were just not escaping my mouth.
By the time we'd driven the mile or so to the freeway I started to talk about my therapy and social anxiety. It was the only thing that I could think of to talk about that would seem like a big enough deal. So basically I chickened out from my original plan.
We got to work and I went in kicking myself the whole way. I kept telling myself when I got back out there I was going to get into why I had wanted him to come out with me. I went up to my desk, retrieved my wallet and walked town the four flights of stairs to the tunnel leading to the parking lot. The whole time I was telling myself I had to talk to him.
I got back to the car and fumbled with my seatbelt. I needed to find the words... silence.
We drove to the restaurant. After entering and putting out names in the hostess said it would be a 30 minute wait. This was perfect. We could go outside and talk... silence. I couldn't even ask him to go outside to talk.
Dinner was half chatting about nothing and half silence.
The car ride home was him talking about Warhammer 40K updates and me nodding and thinking to myself I HAD to say something.
We pulled into his drive. He said thank you for dinner and unbuckled his seatbelt as he got ready to leave.
"Wait. I need to talk to you about something."
I did it I'd actually said something, but now I was kind of committed to following this through. After a bit of silence where I was struggling to find the words he told me that I could tell him anything.
I started to say how I wanted to let him know that I planned to start dating. He said how great that was to hear. Then I fumbled around the next sentence.
"The thing is... When I start dating... I plan to date... I think I want to date... guys. I'm not saying that I'll end up with a guy, but I've had these thoughts for a long time."
The next hour was filled with him being supportive, me spilling a few things, but not as much as I've spilled here and to my friend.
He said he had a couple gay coworkers and asked if it would be alright if he talked with them. I told him he could and told him about the ex and my friend had put me in contact with so that I could maybe find a friend in the gay community. He said he'd see about the guys at work too.
I told him he could tell his wife if he needed to talk to someone about it. I stressed though that both of them should keep it quite for now. I feel like I don't want to tell many more people until I've been out on at least one date, but I'm fairly certain what I'm feeling is the way it is.
He asked if he was depriving of something by not letting me tell his wife. The thing there is I don't have a lot of trust for her right now. If I were to tell her and ask her to keep it a secret I don't think I'd be convinced it would be kept. If he does it I feel differently. I told him that and he seemed to understand.
We also talked about the reactions I fear I'll see in the family and my friends. Who will accept it, who will reject it. For the most part I think a lot of cousins will be fine with it. Aunts, Uncles, and my grandmother are different stories.
I don't feel quite as freed as I did last week, but I do feel a little better knowing that my bother cares for me still and knows a piece of what I've been going through. I know it has strengthened our bond.
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