I get extremely nervous in situations where I'm expected to be social, especially when it's with people I don't know. I can handle most every day situations, and after 5 years at my job I no longer have a problem speaking up when I'm in a meeting with people I've known for a while, but add a couple new people into the mix and I clam up.
So it's understandable that I have no idea how to talk or act around someone who I'd like to date. So many people take that development from their teens/early twenties for granted. It's probably the biggest fear I have right now.
"Will they be able to tell I'm completely new to this?"
"Should I tell them my history up front?"
"How do I know that they're having a good time or are into me or are wanting to leave?"
"Do they like me?"
"How was I supposed to take that last thing they said?"
"What am I supposed to do?"
It just scares the crap out of me. I'm so far behind the curve I feel like I'll never catch up, and I fear that I'll automatically be written off when I don't know what's going on and how I'm supposed to respond.
For instance. I went out for a night with a good friend of mine. Like I said in an earlier post I'm still questioning myself and still trying to see myself as someone that somebody would want. I planned to go out with her as a friend and nothing more. She'd just broken up with her husband. My brother and his wife had just moved out of my place. We were both alone and down and it seemed like a good way for both of us to cheer up a little.
She suggested the restaurant and paid for the meal, then we went to a bar to watch karaoke and I got the drinks. While we were talking she was kinda looking at me. At one point I smiled and asked her, "What." Her response was that I was a smart guy and I should know.
My thought was, "I may be book smart, but I'm at a total loss here." Obviously her comment clued me into what the look probably meant.
I spent the rest of the night sitting next to her and talking and singing along with the song. I didn't try anything because frankly I didn't want to see her like that (she's just too good of a friend), and as I said I'm questioning if I even would see her like that.
The end of the night was rather awkward for me. We kinda went outside, waved, and walked our separate ways. She had a strange look on her face and I'm not sure if she wanted something more or what.
I was totally clueless and unable to tell anything. I went over and over the night in my head that evening and the next day. I do that sometimes when I feel like I've messed up around people. I try to find my mistakes. I talk down how I acted. It's like a small bout of depression and obsession that lasts for a few hours to a few days. It's terrible. I hate it. For some reason I always do it tough. Sometimes I even have bouts after meeting up with friends who I've known for years.
I just don't understand it, but I do know that it is one of the reasons I don't like to do new things that involve social interaction.
Case in point last night. I sent that e-mail to the guy and waited on pins and needles to see if he'd view my profile and respond. To my surprise he started a chat. After just two exchanges each he left the chat. I've been wondering all day what could have gone wrong with it? Was he not really looking for a guy? Was it something I had said or the way I said something in the exchange? Should I send him another e-mail? Should I try to chat with him again? I don't know what's acceptable and what's not.
I'm really hoping when I see my therapist for the first time next week I'll have the courage to mention some of this stuff to her. Of course I'm already a little anxious about meeting and talking to her and I'm wondering if she's going to see the quiet me, the over-talkative me, or the normal every day me.
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