It's Been a Long Week

So it's been a long week so far.  Monday I wasn't feeling too great (mainly tired and a little down), so I stayed home.  I got a call from my boss saying there was an issue that was delaying the release of our software and that I needed to log in an fix it.  I did.  And then I went into catastrophe mode.

It's funny because I had just read a couple passages a day or two ago in Quiet talking about what happens when introverts go into catastrophe mode, and I had thought to myself that I don't really do that.  When there is an issue I'm usually the level headed one who keeps everything calm.  I'm normally good in a crisis.  That is unless I caused it.

I cried for a good hour.  I called my brother and talked with him (well more like cried in his ear). I felt like I'd done so much wrong.  No only because of the mistake I made at work but because of the general shape my life has been in.  Everything just unraveled.  I was upset for the rest of the day.

The next morning I had urges to go talk with my manager.  I thought I was done for (which is really an overreaction).  I wanted to lay everything out.  But I didn't and I'm glad I didn't.  I was acutely aware of my demeanor though.  I hung my head.  I felt like I was constantly blushing.  I felt shame.  I had a typical introvert's reaction to stress.

Later in the day my boss came over for a one on one and as part of it talked with me about the issue.  I said what mistakes I made.  He acted like it wasn't that big of a deal.  That made me feel a little better.  But I still think its affected me because I still feel like crying.  Yesterday I just couldn't concentrate no matter how hard I tried.

I also am worried that my brother may have gotten onto my computer when I wasn't here and he was over taking care of our dogs.  I am usually good about closing down stuff like my blog, my support websites, my dating profile, my research, and my writing.  But for some reason I didn't.  My computer wasn't password protected (it is now though).

I just don't know.  I can't tell if he's acting weird toward me of I just think he's acting weird.  It's just adding to my stress.  I also called him tonight and found out that they were looking for a babysitter for my nieces tomorrow.  I said if they were in a pinch that I could do it and he said, "That's alright we'll figure something out."

How am I supposed to take that?  Does that mean they just don't want me around my own nieces?  Do they think I can't handle them?  Do they not trust me?  It's only adding to everything that's on my mind.

As If Writing Here Wasn't Enough

For some reason doing this blog and the reading I've been doing has inspired me to write some stuff down as a story.  I'm hoping that it will help me sort through some stuff.  It's loosely autobiographical.  To give an example I just got done writing a scene where the main character first feels confusion about his sexuality.  In reality it didn't happen for me exactly that way.

There are elements of other parts of my experience that helped to develop that scene (speaking of development I think I need to go back and flesh that scene out a little bit more, no pun intended), but I never had the exact experience I'm writing about.

There are other things I plan to do.  I want to get into the time when I considered suicide.  One of the things that stopped me from doing it was a cousin in another state that did do it.  However in the story I'm already planning on it being a close friend that attempts it, but does not succeed.

I don't ever plan to pass it off as 100% autobiographical only to say that it's inspired by my life.

I'm hoping to cover all of my struggles with my sexuality in it including my wondering if I'm asexual or not.  Who knows maybe one day I'll get it published.  Or maybe I'll post it as a blog serial.  Or I could always just keep it for myself.  I know though that simply doing this is going to help me face some thoughts and emotions I haven't faced for years, and I think that will be a good thing.

That Kid From Glee

So it's Father's Day.  My dad passed away a couple years ago.  This is my third Father's Day without him.  I have a tradition I started that first one where I go out to breakfast.  This year I invited my mother to go along with me.

We waited for our table and were seated much quicker then I expected to be.  Our waiter quickly came by to say "Hi" and that he would be right back to wait on us.  He was kinda cute and slightly effeminate and just seemed like maybe he could be into guys.  I tried not to look at him much because A) that's my nature, and B) my mom is sitting right there oblivious to any of the issues I've wrestled with all these years.

So the breakfast has been going well.  We chit chatted a little.  The waiter has been very nice and was really doing a good job the whole time despite the place being packed.  I've gotten up the nerve to make a little eye contact with him, but who am I fooling I'm not the type of person people are generally attracted to.  I know my place.  Once we are done eating and waiting on our check and to-go order my mom leans over to me ad says, "He reminds me of Glee."

I look back at her not quite sure if I'd heard what I thought I did, "What?"

"He reminds me of Glee.  You know the television show.  He reminds me of someone who would be on it."

I just kinda nodded and smiled and understanding.

I didn't know what to think about that comment.  She didn't say it with malice.  I'm pretty sure she knows that Glee is one of my favorite shows because, well that was me in high school.  I was in the choir.  I did solos (even went to state one year).  I was in the elite ensemble.  There was even a time I was seriously considering pursuing a career in vocal performance.

So this makes me question how much I'd be accepted if I did realize I was gay and came out to my family.  What will they think?  Will they be able to accept me?  I think so, but it's scary.  I'm so close with my mom and brother.  I don't think I could bear loosing them.

I'd already decided to keep any dating I do quiet.  I've done the same with my therapy.  Only my medical doctor, therapist, and my high school best friend know that I'm doing it.  I've thought about telling other people (especially my brother who has probably been my best friend as of late), but just haven't been comfortable with it yet.

No one knows how to find this blog.  I've told my therapist that I'm keeping it, but I haven't told her where it is.  I told her I may, but I'm not sure if that will happen.  My high school best friend knows about it too.  I plan to eventually tell him how to find it.  He once let me read a few of the anonymous forum posts he made concerning a very serious struggle he had been going through, so I feel like he should be given the same consideration.

I'm sure everyone important to me in my life will be accepting of me, but it's all still a little scary.

Courage

So I got up the courage to message the guy I mentioned a few posts ago.  It was a simple message.  Non-committal.  I even mentioned I was a little new to the game and that if he wanted to run for the hills I wouldn't blame him.  We'll see what happens.

Honestly I'm not sure if this was a good idea or a bad idea.  I probably should have brought it up with my therapist today, but I just don't think we're quite ready to start delving into the murky waters that is my sexuality on the second session.

I would have been more hesitant if the guy was right around the corner, but he's over 100 miles away, so it's easier for me to just start up an e-mail relationship with him.  By the time we get to discussing meeting in person I'll probably have a chance to ask my therapist if it's a good idea to be doing that at this stage.

I've dwelt for so many years on just what my sexuality is.  The more and more I think about it the more and more I lean toward some kind of strange combination of homosexual leaning bisexual demisexual homoromatic leaning biromatic.  Basically I'm 75% certain I'm gay, but I still question if I could have a heterosexual relationship.  I'm fairly certain I'm highly romantic leaning and will most likely not feel comfortable engaging in sex until I'm in an established relationship.  Honestly though I wonder if I throw the bi in there just to make me feel that there's hope of having a traditional life.

As I said before I believe I can see having a romantic relationship with a woman, but something about the idea of sex with a woman just doesn't feel right to me.

It's very hard to express urges and emotions that in theory I will feel.  Until I actually try to pursue them I don't think I'm never going to know exactly what feels right.

One thing I do know is I get all mushy at every Degrassi, Glee, As the World Turn, etc., gay relationship I ever see.  More mushy then I get at any straight relationship I catch (though those can still get to me).

I'm not going to pretend for a minute though that I have solved an issue that has been dogging me for 15+ years in a matter of days though.  That's just plain crazy.  I only know that if I don't start to try (and at the same time try to prepare myself for the ups and downs it's going to bring) I'll always be questioning and I'll never know the answer.

Arousal

Ok.  This post is going to be rated around PG-13 to R.  Just giving you a heads up (but you should have guessed that from the title).  Don't say you haven't been warned.

I was driving today and my mind started to wonder a little bit.  I started to think about the guy I mentioned a couple posts back, and if we somehow started a relationship, and if we somehow ended up at my house kissing and making out and maybe heading toward something more, and BAM it was getting aroused by the thoughts.

It made me wonder... would I feel the same way if I had been daydreaming about a girl?  I tried to shift my focus, but I couldn't really think of a girl to put in his place.  When I did think of one it of course didn't work because I was aware of what I was trying to do.  Trying to force something like that just doesn't work.

This kind of throws a monkey wrench into the thought of being asexual though doesn't it?  I mean if I can be aroused just thinking like this doesn't it mean that I am somehow sexually attracted?  Or is it the romanticism of the moment that was getting me aroused?  It's all just confusing to me.

I know that having a sex drive doesn't mean that you're not asexual.  And I know I still question if I can feel sexual attraction to anyone.  I know that when I think about having a relationship with someone I think more about waking up next in each other's arms each morning, sitting on the couch together and talking or watching TV, being there for each other each day.  I don't place an importance on sex.  I believe it will play a part in the relationship,but for me if everything else is going great I think I could care less about the sex.

The more and more I think about it I think I may be homosexual or more possibly homoromatic.  I could still be biromatic, but I'm beginning to doubt that I'm bisexual.  Honestly the thought of being with another guy in bed seems less foreign to me than being with a girl.

There's a part of me though that thinks it would just be easier to go out and find some person drunk enough (and that's probably going to have to be pretty drunk) to have a one night stand with.  Of course I know deep down I wouldn't like it at all because the idea of a one night stand is just repulsive to me.  When I have sex I want it to be with someone I have a connection with.  Someone who accepts me how I am.

Ugh, this is such a confusing situation to find myself in.  Writing about it helps clear my head and ease my mind a little, but I don't know if it's getting me any closer to answers.