Broken Promises to Myself

So yesterday's first entry was a little bit all over the place.  I can ramble and often the thoughts just get to flowing freely and I don't really have a way to organize them ahead of time.  It doesn't make for the easiest to read posts sometimes.  Today I'm trying to stay on topic, but it's a lot to talk about.

I'm talking about the major promises to myself I've broken over the years.  I'm also mixing in a little bit of background on me to help paint a better picture.  I'm not going to promise I won't be long winded, but I'm hoping that it will at least be readable and understandable.

I grew up in a small town in the mid-west.  There were about 40 in my graduating class and about 200 in the entire high school.  I was definitely on the low end of the popularity pyramid.

I was the overweight, geeky kid who was nice and kind, but no one really liked.  You know there's got to be someone like that.  In larger schools there's more of you, so you can find each other and bind together.  That doesn't really happen in smaller schools though.

I can't really blame that for my problems.  The truth is I was extremely depressed in high school.  I truly hated myself.  I even considered (though not really seriously) suicide.  It was not a fun time to be me.  I was always a happy kid before puberty.  Always had a smile on my face, but as I got older the only reason I wore a smile was because I was faking it.

I could sit here and blame it on being bullied (which I most definitely was), but that would just be the easy way out.  I honestly just wasn't happy.  I didn't see any worth to me.  I'd often sit and think about how much better everyone would be without me.  I still do that sometimes.  The difference is now I know that there are people who would be affected by it and I just can't do that to them.

Looking back now I realize that I really didn't love myself, I didn't see worth in myself, and if I didn't love or see worth in myself how could anyone else?  That's why I never even tried to find a girl in high school (a guy would have been out of the question for such a small town).  The sad thing is I now think there was probably one or two I could have had some sort of relationship with.  Maybe even lost my virginity to, but I blew that chance.

There I go rambling off topic.  I was an unhappy teen.  I was also the type of person who ate his feelings, and when you feel really bad that's a heck of a lot of food.  I graduated high school somewhere between 280 and 300 lbs.  I made my first real promise to myself. "I'll get my weight under control and I will never weigh more than 300lbs."

I spent that summer convincing myself that when I got to college things would be different.  I promised myself I was going to get some friends and date and have a completely new life.  I went to the floor mixer, went to classes, found at least one new friend, lost a little weight (though admittedly that was because I was kind of starving myself). That all lasted for a good month or two, but inevitably I feel back into depression.

I thought even more about ending it all.  I didn't, but I did get to the point where I barely left my room.  I just couldn't face people.  By the second semester I failed out (this is coming from someone who got a 24 and then a 27 on his ACT without prepping at all.  Someone who aced every test in high school, but got B's and C's in the class because he didn't do the homework).  I'd broken my promise to have a new life and felt like I ruined the crappy one I had.

The depression lasted past college and followed me back home.  It stayed with me for the longest time.  I managed it with food.  By the time I was 21 I'd broken my promise to never weigh more than 300lbs., so now I decided I'd never weigh more than 400lbs.  I also promised myself that by the time I was 25 I'd go out on at least one date.

Twenty-three came and went and I was beginning to tell myself to give up.  I'd never be loved, so why bother worrying about it.  When I turned 26, still dateless, still a virgin, still never been kissed, I decided that I had to accept my life as one where I was always alone.  I'd broken another promise.  I cried a lot at first, and then not at all.

Somehow through all that mess I found something I could enjoy doing for work, when back to college as an older student, and got a degree.  I had a friend or two in college, but never was it a relationship I initiated.  Actually it was weird that I always ended up being friends with people who has a pretty liberal view of the laws regarding marijuana (too this day I'm still confused that I never was offered to try it, though I wouldn't because I was a a good boy and never wanted to be out of control for fear of what I would do).

By the time I was 28 I graduated and went to work full time.  It was a sedentary job, stuck in a cubical, not much interaction with other people... just the way I liked it.  Things were kind of looking up.

That summer I developed an infection in my leg.  I was freaked out because a year or two prior my dad lost his leg to such an infection.  I went to the doctor.  I had to step on a scale for the first time in a while.  It went up to 350.  I pegged it.  It was alright because the last time I weighed myself I was about 380, and I didn't gain weight since then right?  Some chronic medication for diabetes and such, some antibiotics and the infection cleared.  It was back next summer though.  This time it took some IV antibiotic to clear it.

Enough was enough.  That fall they had a health clinic at work and I signed up.  It took two scales and I weighed in at 412lbs.  I realized I'd gained a knack for breaking promises to myself.  Something had to change.  I tried to, but ultimately by the next health clinic I still weighed the same.  I had to make a change.  I tried to eat better.  My work was starting Weight Watchers in January and I promised myself to join it.  I kept that promise.

My first weigh in was just over 390.  I had left 400lbs. behind.  In a month I lost another 20.  Then tragedy struck and my father passed.  A heart attack caused by diabetes.  I stopped watching what I ate and just let myself indulge.  I promised myself by the next week I'd be back on plan.  I kept that promise.

I promised myself that I'd loose 50lbs. total by then end of the first 12 weeks.  I kept that promise.  I promised myself I'd be under 300lbs. by my birthday that summer.  I kept that promise.  I promised myself I'd be under my high school weight by Christmas.  I kept that promise.  I promised myself that I'd keep it all off and never look back.

That's were I'm at today.  I got as low as the 230's and have since gained back between 20lbs. and 30lbs., but have been loosing overall for the past month.  That's what prompted me to go to therapy.  I don't want to backslide.  I don't want to break that promise.

Accomplishing something like loosing 100+ lbs. gives you a confidence you never knew you had.  It's been two years now and that confidence is waning.  I'm loosing focus.  I'm staring to feel those feelings of worthlessness again.  I'm starting to realize I'm going to be alone forever and I'm falling back into depression.  I promise I won't let that happen.